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‘Pet the Bunny’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Pet the Bunny

704. Pet the Bunny

Aired October 7, 2002

Debra and Robert discover that Ray has written an eulogy for Frank, featuring a story about him petting the rabbit Ray had as a kid.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Look, Dad, you weren't supposed to hear the eulogy.
Frank: Yeah, I guess I screwed you up by not being dead.
Ray: Come on, I was just... I was writing it for myself, all right? I don't want you to die.
Frank: Look, I don't care what your screwed-up reason for writing a funeral speech was. I hated that bunny! And by the way, you never cleaned the cage. It was dirty. You kids "Daddy, buy me a bunny. We'll take care of it." I was lied to.
Ray: I was eight.
Frank: And already a liar.
Ray: All right, Dad, I'm sorry.
Frank: I had to pet that bunny. Every night.
Ray: Every night?
Frank: Every night! The damn bunny needed some attention. And that's the thanks I get.

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Quote from Frank

Debra: Frank, it's a nice memory. He thinks it's sweet.
Frank: I don't give a rat's tail what he thinks. It never happened.
Ray: All right, Dad, what are you making a big deal for?
Frank: Because you make things up.
Ray: I don't think so.
Debra: Frank, Ray's trying to share something with you.
Frank: Share a lie?
Debra: No, no. About you. When he saw you pet that bunny-
Frank: I didn't pet a bunny.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Who told you this?
Stan: My wife.
Frank: How the hell does she know anything about this?
Garvin: Your wife. She knows how to get the word out. It's like tom-toms. Frank pet a bunny. Frank pet a bunny.
Frank: You're telling people this?
Marie: Frank, you should be proud of it. Finally you're loveable.
Frank: Would you stop?! I am not loveable, all right?! I am not sweet! I fought in Korea! I am no bunny-petter!

Quote from Robert

Ray: Look, I was writing a real appreciation for someone else, and l... I don't know. I just had some thoughts about what I might say for Dad.
Debra: An appreciation of your father. Really?
Robert: And you know what I'd like to know? Why would you just assume that you get to do the eulogy, hmm? What's gonna be my job at the funeral, keeping your screaming fans off the stage?

Quote from Marie

Ray: You know what? I'm just gonna watch the game with Dad.
Marie: He doesn't have it.
Ray: What?
Marie: The picture you're looking for.
Ray: What- What are you talking about?
Marie: The one with your father's eulogy on the back.
Ray: Oh, Ma! Did he see it?
Marie: Of course not!
Ray: Look, I know it's awful and it's morbid and it's weird.
Marie: Uh-huh. Just tell me one thing: Where's mine?

Quote from Ray

Debra: And that example of sweet is?
Ray: You think I don't got it. I got it. When Robert and I were kids, we had this bunny we kept in a cage in the back. I named him Hoppy.
Debra: Hoppy?
Ray: I'm a writer. Anyway, my dad, he always told me he hated him. But then one day in the middle of the night, I come down to get some juice, and I go in the kitchen and I look out the window, and I see him there. And he's got the cage open, and he's sitting down next to it, petting Hoppy. He was... He was being all gentle. So I don't know, I just something about seeing him like that, it just stayed with me. I guess I just like thinking about him like that. [Debra is crying] See? I told you it's good stuff!
Debra: That's so sad.
Ray: Well, that's what you want in a eulogy. The guy's dead.

Quote from Marie

Ray: What?
Marie: You wrote a tribute for your father. Where's mine?
Ray: It's not a tribute. It's just- I doodled a couple things. It's nothing.
Marie: Uh-huh. So I don't get one.
Ray: Ma, this is a eulogy. I didn't write yours because... Because even thinking about it would make me too too sad.
Marie: Oh. Oh, sweet. I'd like to see something by Wednesday.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Hey, how's Dad doing?
Marie: You didn't tell him about the eulogy, did you?
Ray: No. Why?
Marie: Because ever since he got back yesterday, he's been in a terrible mood. Debra, did you give him something to eat?

Quote from Frank

Frank: I'm telling you, I hate that bunny story! Why the hell would you want to remember me like that? I wanted you to know I was tough! I worked hard at that!
Ray: All right, look, the bunny thing, the only reason I even remember it is 'cause it's so unlike you. You were the toughest son of a bitch I ever knew.
Frank: You gonna put that in?
Ray: I could.
Frank: Write it down before you forget it.
Ray: All right. And I'll... I'll take the bunny thing out.
Frank: No, no, no, no. Maybe leave that in.
Ray: Yeah?
Frank: No, I don't know. I'm not sure now. You know what? Surprise me.

Quote from Robert

Michael: Hi, Uncle Robert. I drew a picture of you, Uncle Robert.
Robert: Oh!
Michael: And that's Mommy in the picture, too.
Robert: Oh, great. And where is your dad?
Michael: I didn't draw him.
Robert: May I keep this?
Ray: Yeah, well, they're not done yet. They still gotta draw the bolts in your neck.
Robert: Now, that, Raymond, is not nice, and that's why you're not in the picture.

Quote from Robert

Robert: What the hell is that, man?
Ray: It's nothing. Sometimes when a sports star dies, I write a column that's like an appreciation for him.
Robert: Oh, I see. Okay. Now it all makes sense, except Dad isn't a dead sports star. Unless he got really good at hockey this morning and then you killed him.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, whoa. What are you doing with those?
Ray: Oh, yeah, these are the kids' pictures. I've just- I'm gonna frame them all.
Frank: That chicken scratch? What does it say to your children if you frame even their worst crap?
Marie: It says you love them.
Frank: No, it says you love crap.
Ray: Okay, all right, I'll see ya.
Frank: Hey, hold on. You can't take those.
Ray: What? Why not? You just said they were crap.
Frank: Well, yes, I did, but they're my crap.

Quote from Debra

Ray: I can't believe it. She wants me to write her eulogy now.
Debra: Ray, she's gonna want you in the coffin with her.
Ray: Yeah, well, I'd rather not do that either.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Why did you have to write your father's eulogy?
Ray: What? It's like a writing challenge.
Debra: A challenge?
Ray: Yeah. How do you make people miss that guy? See, it's all about... Well, I mean, this is kind of technical writer stuff.
Debra: No, try me.
Ray: Okay. Everybody thinks that my father is, well, a jerk.
Debra: How technical.
Ray: So you start by talking about his jerk-like qualities, which everyone agrees with, but it also makes 'em feel a little guilty because he's laying there dead and all. And that's when I hit 'em with an example of him being sweet. And then it's, "Boo-hoo. Frank, we hardly knew ye."

Quote from Ray

Debra: No, it's sad because, what, it's been 35 years? You you never told him this, did you?
Ray: What? Told him what, about petting the bunny?
Debra: Yeah, you gotta tell him that you saw him and how it made you feel.
Ray: Are you new here?
Debra: Ray, you have to talk to him about this.
Ray: No, I'm not!
Debra: So the only way you could have a nice conversation with your father is if he's dead.
Ray: So you see my problem.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I won the lottery 20 bucks.
Debra: Congratulations, Frank.
Frank: Yeah, congratulations. That's what a person says, not what the banshee over there says. "I told you not to buy those things at the drugstore. Where's my prescription?"
Ray: You didn't get her prescription?
Frank: She'll be fine. Look, I won. I reinvested. I already scratched five, but I'm having a bum streak. I need to change up. Here, you scratch.
Ray: I get a cut, right?
Frank: 10%. But if we win big, no one tells your mother till I'm in Rio with Harriet Lichtman.
Debra: Take Ray with you. He likes Harriet Lichtman.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Hey, Dad, remember remember that bunny that me and Robert had?
Frank: Sure. That thing stank.
Ray: I think I named it Hoppy.
Frank: I hated it.
Ray: It's weird, you know, it's silly I think I saw you petting him once.
Frank: What?
Ray: Yeah, yeah, you were petting the bunny.
Frank: What, are you on drugs?
Ray: No, no, I remember. I was like eight years old and I came downstairs to get some juice, and I saw you petting it.
Frank: Maybe you came downstairs to get some drugs.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Frank, you don't understand.
Frank: I never pet a bunny!
Ray: All right, Debra, forget about it.
Debra: No. Frank, what is wrong with you? You showed a gentle side to yourself.
Frank: Why do I come here? I give you a chance to win millions, you give me this!
Ray: Dad, never mind, all right?
Frank: No, you never mind! Give me the tickets. The deal is off. I don't share anything with liars. [storms out]
Debra: Are you sure he wasn't punching the bunny?

Quote from Frank

Ray: Dad, I'm sorry I brought up the thing yesterday. I must have remembered wrong.
Marie: You have nothing to apologize about, Raymond. It's a very sweet story.
Robert: What story?
Marie: The time your father pet the bunny.
Frank: I did not!
Robert: Hoppy? You pet Hoppy?
Frank: No!
Marie: Why would you deny that?
Debra: Exactly.
Robert: Aw, you pet Hoppy. That's so sweet. You want a cookie? I'm gonna get you a cookie.
Frank: Get away from me! You happy? Look what you did.

Quote from Frank

Stan: Hey, you leave this at the lodge? [removes a pink bunny toy]
Frank: What the hell is this?
Stan: I think you know what it is.
Garvin: And I think you know what to do.
Marie: Oh, that's adorable.
Frank: Get outta here! [throws down the toy] You're telling everyone your lies.
Ray: I didn't tell them anything!
Garvin: No, it's the talk of the lodge!
Stan: How you'd go in the backyard and sing songs to the bunny and rub nosies with it.
Robert: [laughs] Rub noses with the bunny!
Frank: There never was any bunny!

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