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‘In-Laws’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: In-Laws

108. In-Laws

Aired November 1, 1996

Debra's parents, Warren (Robert Culp) and Lois (Katherine Helmond), invite the Barones to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Quote from Frank

Frank: What kind of food do they serve here?
Debra: I believe it's French.
Warren: Ever been to France?
Marie: Oh, no, we're not world travelers.
Lois: Oh, France is so lovely. You have to go.
Frank: I don't appreciate the French... as a people. I find them annoying. Truly.

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Quote from Frank

Lois: Oh, I love Stomp.
Frank: Who's Stomp?
Debra: It's sort of like a rhythmic dance. These guys, sort of bang together anything they can find... trash cans, hub caps, brooms.
Frank: And you loved it?
Lois: Oh. Loved it. We're going back.
Frank: How much do they charge for this?
Warren: $40.
Frank: For $20, I'll bang on my garbage cans till your ears bleed.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Isn't this one of those joints with those dressed-up waiters?
Ray: Yeah. What's wrong with dressed-up waiters?
Robert: They give me the willies. They just put me on the spot, you know? It's like authority figures.
Ray: Authority figures? You're a police sergeant. You out-rank the waiter.
Robert: Yeah, but how is he going to know?

Quote from Warren

Lois: Honey, this is beautiful. I love Peruvian art.
Debra: It's Incan.
Lois: Machu Picchu.
Warren: Gesundheit.
Lois: He always says that.
Ray: And it's funny every time.

Quote from Warren

Warren: Remember that time in Provence?
Lois: Oh, this is funny. [laughs]
Warren: We were in Provence... and I asked our waiter, "What are all these little herbs sprinkled on everything?" And the waiter says, "Herbes de Provence." [Lois laughs]
Ray: Oh, Warren.

Quote from Lois

Warren: Frank, I assure you, it's okay. We've been here before.
Frank: So you don't even know when you're being taken?
Ray: Dad, nobody's being taken, all right? Calm down. Just try to enjoy yourself.
Debra: Frank has an eye for value.
Marie: You're really comfortable in a place like this? I mean, it seems so unnecessary.
Lois: Well, of course, it's not necessary, Marie. It's a luxury. But sometimes a little luxury is necessary.
Marie: What does that mean?

Quote from Ray

Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state. My parents like to stay home and watch TV, and your parents honeymoon in Cambodia.
Warren: Excuse me, Sri Lanka.
Ray: Well, who cares?
Debra: Ray!
Ray: I mean, I care. I care, okay. And I know you care because that's the kind of people you are. You like to make jokes about herbs that nobody gets... and you go to France, and you go to Stomp! And you go to some basement in a village... to watch a transvestite carve a yam into a monkey.
Lois: Why, Ray... I had no idea you felt that way about us.
Ray: I don't, I don't. I don't feel that way. I don't, I'm just... I'm making conversation.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Will you stop? You're driving me nuts, Frank. I said stop! This is who you are now? Tearing out coupons
like you're in a home for old ladies?
Frank: I find it relaxing.
Marie: Oh. Fish sticks?
Frank: Yes.
Marie: You don't eat fish sticks. I once made them for you and you said that's not the way God wanted fish.
Frank: You never made them.
Marie: I did, too.
Frank: Not for me. When did you make fish sticks?
Marie: When they first came out.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Come on, Ma, they don't come that often.
Marie: No, they're too busy gallivanting around the world.
Frank: Where did they go for Christmas last year? Morocco?
Ray: So what?
Frank: Well, what are they trying to prove?
Marie: They're so pretentious. I always have to hear about how beautiful it is in Connecticut.
Ray: Look, you have to see your in-laws. They're gonna be across the street. What, are you gonna hide?
Frank: I've got a chair now up in the attic.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Come on. You hate their guts.
Ray: Enough already, okay? All right, look, so they're a little sophisticated.
Frank: He admits it, we're better.
Ray: Look, you know they're not my favorite people, right? But you've got to be nice Saturday. It's for Debra and for me, indirectly.
Marie: I will be my usual charming self. I'll even bring a present.
Frank: Here, 30 cents off, Dijon Mustard. A Poupon coupon.

Quote from Lois

Marie: This is for you.
Lois: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Marie: Now, now, it's a box of the finest milk chocolate.
Lois: Thank you, Marie. I still haven't quite finished the last box. [chuckles]

Quote from Ray

Frank: Warren, how've you been? Where are you going on your next vacation, Maui?
Warren: A little further, actually.
Lois: We're going to Vietnam.
Frank & Marie: What?
Frank: Vietnam? What, do you owe Charlie some payback?
Debra: Oh, I've been reading that Vietnam is a fascinating place to go now. Oh, I would love to see it.
Ray: Yeah, or we could just rent Apocalypse Now.

Quote from Frank

Lois: So, Marie, what's new with you? Have you seen any new shows in town?
Marie: I saw The Three Tenors last week on TV. I think PBS is wonderful.
Frank: Until they start asking for money.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Debra and I were just saying it's a shame we don't spend more time together.
Lois: We were just thinking the same thing. So, why don't we all have dinner together tomorrow night?
Ray: Huh?
Warren: We have a reservation at Le Bernardus. We'll just expand it. We'll all go.
Debra: That's a four-star restaurant.
Marie: No, no, no, thank you. We don't go to those kinds of places because... it's just too much.
Frank: I don't like to get dressed.

Quote from Robert

Warren: How's police work treating you?
Robert: Oh, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next day fishing a skull out of a toilet.

Quote from Marie

Gerard: Hello, I'm Gerard. Here are your menus.
Robert: Excuse me, but there's so much silverware on the table. What's all this silverware for?
Gerard: For you to eat with.
Marie: No, that's too much. I mean, this is wasteful. I've got five forks. Take three back. And all these plates means extra washing. Give me your plates.
Frank: Me, too. I don't need all these glasses. How many mouths do you think I got?
Ray: I have too many parents. Could you take one of them, please?

Quote from Frank

Ray: Look at all that bread. I'm so glad we came here.
Frank: You got any rye bread?
Gerard: No, sir, I'm sorry. We do not.
Frank: I like rye bread.
Ray: They don't have any, Dad.
Debra: I'll have a baguette over here.
Frank: Well, you got all these kinds of bread. You don't have rye bread. Rye bread is a very common bread. What do you do when Jewish people come in here?
Gerard: Would you like to speak with the manager, sir?
Frank: Is he Jewish?
Ray: Dad, just take a roll, okay? Sorry, man.
Frank: Don't apologize. The customer is always right. Am I right?
Warren: I would never argue with you, Frank.

Quote from Frank

Gerard: Perhaps you'd like to hear tonight's specials.
Debra: Please.
Gerard: In addition to the menu... the chef has prepared a crab in a puff pastry. It's a Dungeness crab in a light butter and garlic sauce.
Frank: How much is that?
Gerard: It's $32.
Frank: Oh, geezaloo!
Lois: Now, Frank, you're not allowed to look at the prices tonight.
Frank: Warren, wake up, will you? This guy's got both his hands in your pocket.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I'm sorry. I didn't want to insult them. I was embarrassed and I snapped. I didn't want to insult your parents. I'm sorry I ruined the evening.
Debra: What else?
Ray: There's a "what else?"
Debra: You're going to call my parents tomorrow and apologize...
Ray: Yes, of course, I look forward to it. I'd call them right now, but they're probably at a midnight show of Mummenschanz.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Take a look at your daughter.
Debra: Yeah, so? She looks happy.
Ray: She's happy. That's very happy.
Debra: What, should we call a doctor, Ray?
Ray: I'm just saying, look how good it is to be five. You're truly happy at five. Your happiness peaks at five.
Debra: Oh, come on. I'm happy.
Ray: You're not that happy. You can't be. Look at her. Ally, what are you thinking of?
Ally: Candy.
Ray: Candy! Huh, you're that happy? When was the last time you daydreamed about candy? You can't do that as an adult. Try, you don't get far. Candy. Candy. Oh, cavities. Cavities. No money. Who am I? Why am I here? What am I doing? Am I gay? See? Candy doesn't work.
Ally: [removes gum] Try this candy.
Debra: Happy now?
Ray: Candy.

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