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‘The Lone Barone’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Lone Barone

309. The Lone Barone

Aired November 16, 1998

Ray complains to Robert about marriage with unexpected consequences.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Okay, here's something. You know how when you're sleeping and you, you kind of stop breathing? When you're married, there's always someone there to nudge you alive. All right, I don't know what I'm talking about. Look, look, this is marriage. You wake up in the morning and she's there. You come home at night and she's there. You eat, she's there. You go to sleep, there. And I know that sounds like a bad thing. But it's not. It's not. Not if it's the right person. Then it's good. It's good. It's really, really good.
Frank: I would like a minute for rebuttal.
Marie: If I were you, I wouldn't stop breathing in my sleep.
Ray: Okay, bad example.

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Quote from Robert

Robert: I don't need any more advice, okay? I have my own reasons for not wanting to get married just yet.
Marie: All right, what?
Robert: You really want to know, Ma? Part of it is I've lived with you for most of my life. I've never been on my own. And I finally get my own place and Amy is already bringing me plants. I love Amy, but I'm not ready for plants.
Marie: I think you're being selfish, Robby.
Robert: Good! It's about time. 'Cause this is my life. Not yours, not yours, not yours and not even Raymond's. Raymond had nothing to do with this decision. I made it. Me! And if you think I made a mistake, I don't care. That's right, because I'm in charge of me now. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home. To my home. The Crown view Apartments, unit 9-F. It still says Chung on the buzzer downstairs, but that's me.

Quote from Frank

Ray: I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I was- I'm joking, that's- You know men do that. We joke around about stuff like, like marriage. Right, Dad?
Frank: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ray: Come on! Like how about when you joke about how you wish a tidal wave would come and sweep Mom out to sea.
Frank: I have never been more serious about anything in my entire life.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I haven't had a chance because I've been waiting all day for Debra's damn curtains!
Robert: Curtains? What is it with the curtains? Amy's got a thing with the curtains too. What's with the curtains?
Ray: Tell me about it. I'm sitting here in my own filth for three hours waiting for curtains while Debra is off at all kinds of parties.
Robert: Parties?
Ray: Yeah, yeah. This is my life now. I'm a hostage. Trapped inside these four, all the walls here in this area.
Robert: What do you mean, hostage?
Ray: I'm a hostage! Look at me. I'm trying to blink you a message.
Robert: Huh? Come on, what are you saying? You're not happy?
Ray: I'm happy. I'm as happy as she lets me be. I sleep when she lets me sleep. I eat what she lets me eat. The only reason she keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs.

Quote from Ray

Debra: No, no, you can't shower, honey. You won't be able to hear the delivery guy.
Ray: What delivery guy?
Debra: I told you he's coming today. If we miss it again the package goes back.
Ray: Well, why can't he just leave it at the front door?
Debra: Because it's my very expensive balloon curtains.
Ray: Balloon curtains? What, I'm gonna have to blow something up now?
Debra: No, they're just like puffy drapes for our bedroom. You're gonna like them.
Ray: Yeah, okay, but what time is he coming?
Debra: Between 9:00 and 1:00.
Ray: Oh, so this is it? This is my whole day now.

Quote from Robert

Robert: You might want to cinch that robe. You got a little fruit coming out of the loom.

Quote from Ray

Robert: I know you, Raymond. You wouldn't trade this for anything.
Ray: I'll trade it all right now for a pack of cigarettes.
Robert: Well, Ray, I can see I caught you on a bad day.
Ray: Oh, it's every day.
Robert: Every day? I was at your wedding. I was there when you brought home your little girl, your twin boys.
Ray: Yeah, okay, there's some perks. But that's how they hook you. You know what I'm doing tomorrow night? I'm going to see a movie.
Robert: So what's wrong with that?
Ray: Debra's movie. Yeah, the one with the mother who has the disease and the daughter who learns to care about the mother who has the disease. Yeah, yeah. Huh, who wants to see that sniffle bag? I want to see the one-- the one with the guy with the gun and the car chases and the nudity that has no meaning.
Robert: I saw that one. It was good.
Ray: Sure, rub it in. Why don't you spank a supermodel in front of me?

Quote from Marie

Ray: Ah, witnesses. You kill me, you've got to kill them too.
Marie: How dare you?
Ray: Oh, boy.
Marie: You just can't stop ruining your brother's life, can you?
Ray: I didn't do anything.
Marie: First, you drive him out of my home. Now you take away my grandchildren.
Ray: What?
Marie: If you hadn't interfered they would've gotten married. And Amy would've had four children right away. That's what we talked about.
Frank: She had good hips, that one.
Marie: I put two years into that girl. When I first met her, she didn't even want children. Now it's all gone because Robby talked to this one.
Frank: You've upset your mother. She came to me looking for comfort. I'm not set up for that!

Quote from Marie

Robert: Hey. I'm glad you're all here together because I have an announcement to make and you might as well hear it from me. Amy and I-
Frank: We already heard she dumped you.
Marie: Look at him. No wife, no children. Pathetic!
Robert: Thanks for the kind words.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You know, I was starting to think that this was never going to happen.
Robert: What?
Amy: You moving out of your parent's house and everything finally moving forward.
Robert: Yeah, it's exciting. You know what else I need around here? Ice cubes trays.
Amy: I'm talking about us, Yogi. The plan.

Quote from Robert

Amy: Hey, maybe the couch should be facing the window. What d'you think?
Robert: I really don't like facing the window. You know, snipers. And then it'd be hard to see the TV.
Amy: Oh, we're keeping the TV in the living room?
Robert: No, no, that's just where I set it down and plugged it in and hooked up the cable.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Doug.
Doug: Hey, Ray, I saved the best for last.
Ray: I can't believe it's you. I was just hating you.
Doug: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Ray: Yeah.
Doug: I brought you the thing you've been waiting for. So how do you feel now?
Ray: Oh, now I love you.
Doug: Easy.
Ray: Hey, hey, you're off now, right?
Doug: Mm-hmm.
Ray: Wanna go play some golf?
Doug: Oh-- oh, I can't. I got to get home. I gotta go shopping with my wife.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, Auntie Em. Oh yeah, that smells good.
Debra: Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes. Can you open that jar for me?
Ray: There you go.
Debra: Thanks. Oh, listen there's this big spider up in the bathtub.
Ray: Oh, yeah?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Hope he's not using all the hot water.
Debra: I need you to kill him for me later 'cause that's why I keep you around.
Debra: You want some water with that?
Ray: Yeah, thank you.
Debra: Here you go, bread and water. A meal fit for a hostage.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hostage! Did Robert tell you that I was saying-
Debra: Amy told me.
Ray: Amy? Well, how did she find out?
Debra: She heard it from Robert. Right before they broke up.
Ray: Oh my God! They broke up, why? [Debra folds her arms and stares at Ray]

Quote from Debra

Debra: Who are you to give Robert, or anybody else for that matter, marital advice?
Ray: I'm nobody. I didn't-- what? What happened?
Debra: Amy called me up crying, all upset. She said Robert started acting all weird when she tried to talk to him about their future. And when she finally pinned him down, he started in with this prison talk. Then he said he wasn't sure that he could commit to her just now.
Ray: He broke up with her?
Debra: No, she broke up with him. What else is she supposed to do? She's been going out with him for two years, and this is the return she gets on her investment? "Oh, gee, things are moving kind of fast. Maybe we should pull back, give each other some space."
Ray: It sounds reasonable.
Debra: It's not reasonable! Do you know how hard it is for a woman to get a guy like Robert to commit? And then you, you come along, his happily married brother!
Ray: Yes, yes, very happily.
Debra: Yeah, yeah. And instead of telling him how lucky he is to have Amy at all and how wonderful marriage can be, you dig him a hole and read him his last rites.

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