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‘Net Worth’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Net Worth

520. Net Worth

Aired April 23, 2001

Debra is upset when Ray lends money to a friend without consulting her.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Here.
Ray: What's this?
Debra: A little something I worked up last night.
Ray: "Laundry, $75 a week. General housecleaning, $200 a week."
Ray: What is this, a bill?
Debra: That's right.
Ray: "Full time child care, a thousand dollars a week."
Debra: Yeah, I gave you a break on that one. I billed the twins as one item.
Ray: So, you're charging me now, to be the wife?
Debra: Well, if it's all your money, then "the wife" should get paid.
Ray: Uh-huh. "Personal chef, $300." Yeah, I think we're using the word "chef" pretty loosely.

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Quote from Robert

Robert: Your life made possible by a grant from the Marie Barone Foundation.

Quote from Debra

Debra: What?
Marie: Well, just looking through some of these housekeeping things you claim you do. I think maybe I'm entitled to some of this money.
Ray: Well, looks like someone's padding the bill.
Debra: Look, Ray, I can't help it if people break in here and clean.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Actually, Raymond, the best way to determine the value of someone's life is with a wrongful death settlement.
Debra: Oh, good. Good, 'cause we're about to have one.
Robert: No, really. I dated a wrongful death claims adjuster. And it was her job to figure out what a jury would award a family if a loved one were killed in an accident. In other words, what they were worth. It was fascinating to see what she had to consider. Too morbid for a second date, but fascinating.

Quote from Frank

Robert: Like they consider what kind of person you were. Take Dad, for example. Let's say someone dropped a piano on him.
Marie: Okay.
Robert: A jury would be asked to consider what kind of life he led. Was he a happy person? Did he bring joy to others? Did he stop and smell the roses?
Frank: Yes, yes and yes.
Marie: You don't enjoy life! You spend three hours every afternoon locked in the bathroom.
Frank: Hiding from you. That's how I enjoy life!

Quote from Marie

Debra: Marie, how can you let him talk that way?
Marie: Frank can say whatever he wants, he never controlled the money. When he brought home a paycheck, I did whatever I wanted with it.
Ray: What are you talking about? Dad had no idea about that.
Marie: Well, no, sometimes he'd get nosy. But I'd make him a heavy dinner and then he'd fall asleep on the couch and I started moving the money around.
Robert: Diabolical.
Marie: It's amazing how clueless he is. Do you know that for more than 30 years I've been giving money to buy books for children in South America? You think your father would have approved of that?
Robert: He didn't like buying us books.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, there, Miss Teen USA.
Debra: Hey.
Ray: Hey. What are those, new sheets in the bed? Those look nice.
Debra: They're not new.
Ray: Oh. Well, something about 'em looks nice. Maybe it's the person in 'em.
Debra: What are you after, Ray? Sex or golf?

Quote from Debra

Ray: So you wanna get back in the sheets where you look so nice?
Debra: I can't believe you did this!
Ray: Okay, listen, I screwed up. Okay, but it's my money to screw up with.
Debra: What did you say?
Ray: "With which to screw up"?
[Debra takes her pillow and a blanket off the bed and heads for the door]
Ray: What? What did I say?
[Debra returns to the bed and takes Ray's pillow, the comforter, the mattress cover, and a pillow covering a box.]
Ray: If you're doing a load, I got some socks!

Quote from Marie

Ray: I have a good sense of humor.
Marie: That is true. Tell one of your jokes, dear.
Ray: What? Which one?
Marie: Oh, tell the one about the guy who goes into a bar, and there's a dish of peanuts that says nice things to him. And he asks the bartender "What's with these peanuts?" And the bartender says "They're complimentary." [laughs] Tell that one, dear.
Ray: You you just told it, Ma.
Marie: No, no. You tell it so funny.
Ray: You just told the ending, Ma.
Marie: Well, tell the beginning. I love it when you-
Ray: Ma, I'm not telling the joke because you blew the punch line! You understand that?
Marie: All right, all right!
Debra: What a zest for life.
Ray: She said "They're complimentary"! That's the whole joke!

Quote from Frank

Frank: Ah, stop defending yourself. You bring home the paycheck. Whoever brings home the money is the king. End of story.
Ray: Well put, Father.
Frank: You see? He can do whatever he wants with the money.
Debra: Ugh. Marie, doesn't that bother you?
Frank: She has no choice in the matter. I am the king. And now, His Majesty will retire to his castle, where he will await the royal grilled cheese sandwich. [to Robert] Come, oaf! You amuse me.
Robert: I'll see you in hell.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, listen, some guy called for you three times today. Scott somebody?
Ray: Oh! Scott Preeman, yeah. You know, you met him and Walter at my reunion. Scott and Walter, they were like my best friends in high school.
Debra: Oh, yeah, the dorks.
Ray: Okay, 'cause you were a cheerleader, my friends are dorks.
Debra: No, they're dorks because at the reunion, they talked to each other on walkie-talkies.
Ray: That they built themselves. They're very smart.

Quote from Debra

Ray: People love go-carts. Who likes go-carts?
Kids: Yay! Yeah! Go-carts!
Debra: Yeah, why don't you tell 'em we're moving into a gingerbread house?
Kids: Yay!

Quote from Debra

Ray: Come on, I'm serious about this. These guys know what they're doing. Walter's dad owned an amusement park and Scott's an engineer. Not a "whoo-whoo" engineer, one who actually designs stuff.
Debra: Do they have a plan? Or something on paper that we can see? - I'm sure that they do. I mean, not just a drawing of a go-cart on a napkin. Something tangible, with numbers or...
Ray: All right, don't worry. They got numbers. Jeez, you gotta spell everything out for the cheerleader.

Quote from Debra

Ray: So, what do you think?
Debra: Well, it was very good.
Ray: Very professional.
Debra: Yeah, I was surprised. I mean, they've clearly done their research.
Ray: Yes, they have. So, we in?
Debra: Oh, no!
Ray: Why?
Debra: Look, honey, I said that I would hear their proposal and I did, but nothing in it changes the fact that it's go-carts.
Ray: I know, but come on, that's what's fun about it. Plus, it's a solid investment. Besides, they're thinking of naming a go-cart after you. They are. "The Debra." It's black.
Debra: That is every girl's dream.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Come on, I can't turn 'em down, they did a show and everything. What am I gonna tell 'em? I don't know, tell 'em what you want.
Debra: I gotta go pick up the kids.
Ray: Kids. When we gonna see a dime from that investment?

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, you know remember remember that restaurant we went to in the city and the guy out front was asking for money, and I didn't have any I didn't have change so you gave him a five?
Debra: Yeah, I remember that. He ran away after you tried to get it back from him.
Ray: Yeah. But then I realized, he needed it more than we did and I stopped chasing him.
Debra: We all have fond memories of that day.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Yeah. I was just thinking of that, 'cause I did something similar recently.
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Yeah. I gave Scott and Walter a thousand dollars.
Debra: What?!
Ray: Okay, look, I know you're gonna get upset about this-
Debra: My God! A thousand dollars?!
Ray: Remember the happy hobo.
Debra: I gave him $5!
Ray: Okay, but to a hobo, that's like a thousand.

Quote from Ray

Debra: So you gave Scott and Walter money after I asked you not to?
Ray: No, I gave it to 'em before you asked me not to.
Debra: How could you do that?
Ray: I'm sorry, I'll get the money back.
Debra: It's not about the money!
Ray: Then I really don't understand the hateful screaming.
Debra: You really have so little respect for me, that you would do that without asking me?
Ray: I respect you.
Debra: Obviously not! You wrote the check before you even talked to me about it!
Ray: Because I though you would say yes!
Debra: Well, I'm saying no!
Ray: Okay, you changed your mind!

Quote from Ray

Ray: No wonder! Hey, why is this on 59?
Debra: I was hot last night with all those covers on me. Why? Were you uncomfortable?
Ray: No. I had a towel and a bath mat. I slept like a baby.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Hey. Those Girl Scout cookies I ordered from Ally come in yet?
Debra: No, not yet.
Robert: Damn am I jonesin' for a "Tagalong."
Debra: Have a Hydrox, take the edge off.

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