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‘Grandpa Steals’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Grandpa Steals

712. Grandpa Steals

Aired January 6, 2003

Frank gets into an argument with the produce guy when he visits the supermarket with Ray and Ally.

Quote from Marie

Ray: All right, look, Dad. We think you should know that Ally was kind of upset about what happened with the guy at the market.
Frank: Okay. Turn the TV back on.
Marie: Wait a second. What happened?
Frank: Aw, the jackass fruit guy accused me of stealing.
Marie: Frank, please! They're homosexuals.

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Quote from Frank

Jimmy: Excuse me. No free sampling.
Frank: I'm not sampling. I've had this before.
Jimmy: Yeah, right. Well, it's not a snack bar.
Frank: Relax, pal, I just took a little.
Jimmy: Yeah, well, if everybody steals a little, the store goes a little bit out of business.
Frank: What, are you calling me a thief?
Jimmy: Only 'cause you're taking something without paying for it.
Frank: How much did I take, a nickel's worth? Here. Here's a quarter. Keep the change.
Jimmy: Don't throw money at me.
Frank: Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
Ray: Let's go, Dad. Sorry, I'm real sorry.
Frank: Hey, don't apologize for me. He's the one blowing a gasket over a handful of birdseed.
Jimmy: It's called stealing, cue ball!
Frank: I got hair, porky! Hey, don't turn your back on me, I'm standing right here.

Quote from Robert

Debra: Well, somebody needs to straighten him out.
Marie: No, leave him. He'll watch television, then I'll take him home, make some cannelloni, he'll burp, and he'll feel better.
Debra: You're an enabler. You're actually rewarding his horrible behavior with Italian food.
Robert: That's exactly how the mafia works.

Quote from Robert

Debra: So Ally saw your father steal food and then watched him make a big scene in public.
Robert: Ah, her first time. The rite of passage. I remember mine the New York State Thruway, Dad throwing pennies at the toll collector.
Ray: Yeah. This time he threw a quarter.
Robert: Inflation.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Frank, have you ever heard the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"? I believe that. And I believe that you're a part of our village. We're just trying to teach them proper values.
Frank: Listen, I don't know what the hell village you're talking about... But I live in Real World, USA. So you can spare me your lecture.
Debra: All right, you listen to me!
Marie: Come with me for a minute.
Debra: Well, something has to be done! He's a public menace!
Marie: I know, I know.
Debra: I think our village found its idiot.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Why didn't you let me kill him?
Marie: Well, that would be very nice, dear. But the truth is, this all could've been avoided if Raymond had handled him better in the supermarket.
Ray: What?! He was an animal!
Marie: Yes. And you let him off his leash. If you take a dog to a supermarket, and he has an accident in the frozen food aisle, is it the dog's fault?
Ray: Did Dad ever do that?
Marie: I'm saying, you know how your father is. And there are ways to prevent this kind of scene. First of all, I try to be with him if he's ever going to be anywhere there might be people.
Debra: But Ray was with him. What was he supposed to do?
Marie: Before you even got to the snack section, you should've had a Hershey bar or a Zagnut here in your pocket.
Robert: That's true. He responds to treats.
Marie: Do you know why this kind of thing doesn't happen when I'm around? Because I compensate. He's horrible, and I have a certain... [smiles]
Debra: Oh, that's great, Marie. So you want to be with him all the time, then?
Marie: Uh, no.

Quote from Robert

Robert: So you're telling me that Grandpa sat right here with you and had a conversation?
Ally: Yes.
Robert: For how long?
Ally: I don't know.
Robert: Well, no, was it, like, five minutes? Ten?
Ally: I don't know. Ten, I guess.
Robert: Ten minutes. And it wasn't about food?
Ally: No, not really.
Robert: You had a ten minute conversation with him. What was that like?
Ally: It was okay, I guess.
Robert: And you weren't scared?
Marie: [comes out] Robbie! You said you were gonna move my trash cans for me and you didn't do it. Now the garbage men are here and the garbage is sitting in the back. I'm just gonna have to do it myself like everything else! [goes back inside]
Robert: Now, that one scares the crap out of me.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, what happened with your Dad today at the supermarket?
Ray: What do you mean?
Debra: Ally's pretty upset. She said he was screaming and calling a man names.
Ray: It was nothing. The produce guy accused him of stealing.
Robert: Was he stealing?
Ray: He was sampling the trail mix.
Robert: You're not allowed to sample the trail mix.
Ray: Hence the hullabaloo.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Frank, is this really the way you want to behave in front of your granddaughter?
Marie: You know, Debra, far be it from me to ever take his side, but I do think it's horrible what's happened to that store. They used to give you samples all the time. And they also used to help you take your bags to the car.
Frank: Now I have to take you to the car myself.
Marie: I was on your side.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Frank, stealing is only a part of this. Why did you have to lose your temper and then yell at the guy?
Frank: He was yelling at me!
Debra: But there's other ways to handle the situation.
Frank: Hey, you weren't there! The guy had it coming!
Robert: But not with your granddaughter watching. It could affect her. I still twitch at tollbooths.
Frank: You know what? I'm glad Ally saw that. She's gotta learn you can't take crap from people!

Quote from Frank

Ray: Uh, all right, just, you know, start kind of easy. Say something nice or start with a joke. You know, and then just say what you want to to the girl.
Frank: What joke do I tell?
Ray: I don't know. Okay. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
Frank: What?
Ray: You're too young to smoke.
Frank: That's terrible.
Ray: It's a kids' joke.
Frank: I'm not doing that joke.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, kids. What, are you playing here? Hey, come on, boys, go inside. Your dad's got candy and chocolate fudgey balls for you. Go on inside. Hey, Ally, can I talk to you for a second?
Ally: Okay.
Frank: Can we, uh, sit somewhere?
[Frank sits down on the plastic table, which partially gives under his weight]
Frank: Okay, uh so, Ally, what did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons? Jose and Hose "B." That was one of your father's jokes.

Quote from Frank

Ray: We're gonna go. Dad, let's go look at some meat.
Frank: Yeah, let's get out of here.
Jimmy: You got problems, pal.
Frank: Hey, I'm a veteran!
Ray: Okay, Dad, okay!
Frank: Look at him! You're telling me he's never done any sampling?!
Ray: Come on, Dad!
Jimmy: [to himself] I'm going back to teaching.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Hey, it's not funny, it's not funny. Why can't he behave himself?
Ray: Why can't a dog play the trumpet?

Quote from Frank

Frank: No, the guy who works in the fruit department, the fat one.
Marie: Jimmy? Ooh, I love him. He's the one who gets me the good peaches. What were you stealing?
Frank: Nothing. I just took a little of the snacking mix out of the thing.
Marie: Oh, well, that's not stealing.
Robert: Technically, Mom, it is theft. Petty theft. Unless you ate more than $100's worth. Did you?
Frank: No, I didn't, Officer Doofus. Besides, I paid for it.
Ray: You threw a quarter at the guy.
Frank: Tossed.

Quote from Frank

Frank: What was that about? All of a sudden I have the plague? [stands up] What did you say to her?
Ray: I didn't say a word. Want some candy?
Frank: If you didn't say anything, then you did. You badmouthed me, didn't you?
Debra: I did not. We told you, Ally had some strong feelings about what happened.
Frank: Well, what a coincidence. She just happens to be feeling the same thing that you two were thinking.
Debra: Maybe it was what her grandfather was doing.
Frank: Turning a kid against her grandpa real classy! [exits]
Ray: Couldn't mind your own business?
Marie: That's something to work on, Debra.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Listen, I was thinking maybe I should have a talk with her.
Ray: Oh, yeah?
Frank: Yeah. I, uh... I want to have a talk with her.
Ray: Okay, all right, so-so have a talk with her.
Frank: No big deal or anything. What do I say to her?
Ray: What?
Frank: What do I say to her? I've never talked to her.
Ray: I think I've seen you talk to her.
Frank: No. I've read her stories, I've stolen her nose, I've told her, "Hey, get down from there!" But I've never talked to her. What do I do?

Quote from Frank

Frank: So, uh, listen, Ally, I, uh... I understand you were mad or something about what happened at the supermarket. But what you don't understand is...
Ally: You took that stuff, and then you yelled at that man. It was scary.
Frank: Hey, listen... [Frank drops down the bench] You don't ever need to be scared of me. You see, what I did was take a little sample. And that's not stealing. In fact, they call it "sampling."
Ally: But the sign said "no sampling."
Frank: Oh, you're reading now. I'm proud of you. That's good. But, see, I think the sign is wrong. I think they should allow people to sample because that way, if you try it, you might want to buy it. But I could never get to that because of that jack... man.
Ally: You were yelling at him.
Frank: Oh, listen, Ally, people get mad at people sometimes. You get mad at people sometimes, like your little brothers there. They must be annoying as hell, am I right? So, anyway, I mean, when they really bother you, you yell at them just the way I yelled at the fruit guy. You know? But just because you yell at somebody, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Does it? [Ally shakes her head] Right.
Ally: But if I do that, then I have to apologize to them.
Frank: Not all of the time.
Ally: Yeah, all the time.
Frank: Hey, you know what? I got your nose. But that's not stealing, it's only borrowing because I'm giving it back. [Ally is silent] I used to get a big laugh. You're too smart for that now. Hey, you know what? I'll see you later. [stands up] I'm not so scary, am I?
Ally: Not more than Grandma.

Quote from Frank

Frank: [clears throat] Uh, excuse me. I don't know if you remember me. I was in here, uh, let's see, uh... This morning.
Jimmy: Yeah. What do you want to do now? Put a turkey down your pants?
Frank: [chuckles] No. No, I just want to straighten out a little misunderstanding about the trail mix there.
Jimmy: Yeah, big misunderstanding. Look, I'm a little busy, all right?
Frank: Listen, Jim, I'm just trying to straighten this out, all right?
Jimmy: There's nothing to straighten out. You took some trail mix 'cause you're too cheap to pay for it, and I caught you. I think we're straight.
Frank: [Frank looks back at Ally] I just want to say we're both guys, all right? And whatever happened this morning was a little misunderstanding, and I'm sorry.
Jimmy: Yeah, I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that jerks like you come into my section and take your dirty hands and put it into the food and take whatever you want. And then when I try and do my job, you scream and yell like some red-faced maniac. You want to do me a favor? Go steal from the A&P!
[Frank picks up a tomato, holds it in his hand and flexes his arm. After he turns around and puts the tomato back, Ally comes over and takes his hand]
Ray: Good job, Dad.
[As Frank walks by the oranges, he knocks one down starting an avalanche of oranges which falls by Ray's side. Ray takes a quick look at Jimmy and then runs away]


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