Frank: Hey, it's not that fruit-of-the-month thing again, is it?
Ray: No, no, no.
Marie: Oh, that was the worst!
Frank: They're still coming! We got grapefruit out the wazoo!
Marie: You promised. You promised you'd stop them.
Debra: You're still on the computer. It's gonna take a couple of months.
Marie: Dear God!

Robert: Wow, are you a liar. You know, I know what it is. I got something good and you can't stand it. You never could. Remember when I made that diorama in Mr. Carolan's history class?
Ray: What?
Robert: Everybody said how great it was everybody! I won a prize, remember? But you said it stunk.
Ray: You had George Washington fighting a dinosaur.
Robert: It was a dragon, Raymond! A dragon that represented years of British tyranny! Which just goes to show how stupid you were then and now.

Debra: Tell your father we're doing this the right way.
Frank: Hey, me not having to pay anything is the right way. Oh, holy crap! Look at this scratch!
Debra: Okay, see, here's the thing: When a person drives their car into someone's home, I think that person should be sympathetic and apologetic and try to help the person whose home has been demolished try to make it better!
Frank: Hey, I'm trying, but you won't listen.
Debra: I won't listen?!
Marie: I must say, Debra, that tone doesn't help the situation.
Debra: My tone?! My tone! You just drove a car into my house!

Ray: Debra, please, come on, all right? Just do it for me. [Debra glares at Ray] Great. Great, great. You see? You see? Here's the problem, okay? You think it's just her. Well, I'm gonna say it. We all know that if my wife wasn't so snippy all the time - Yes, I said snippy - none of this would have happened! [Marie nods]
Frank: You'd be snippy too if this one was yammering at you all day long! You got nothing to complain about.
Ray: Hey, how do you know what I've been going' through over here? I actually have to live with her, so don't start with me, 'cause you don't know what the hell you're talking about.
[Frank stands up]
Robert: Wow.

Debra: What are you doin' home?
Ray: Well, I decided to come home early.
Debra: Oh.
Ray: Yeah, I you know, I had some time to kill when I got to Chicago, so I went to get a slice of pizza. You know, they got the deep-dish pizza, and the cheese is so good. And I got to thinkin'... cheese. I love it, and yet I used it as a weapon.

Marie: Wait a minute, Raymond. You have some work, too.
Ray: "Tom Sawyer."
Marie: You need to read that.
Ray: No, Mom, I told you, I don't.
Marie: Yes, you do. I read "Legendary Running Backs of the NFL."
Ray: Yeah, right.
Marie: Poor Gale Sayers. First to lose a friend like Brian Piccolo, and then to have a career cut short because of all his knee injuries. Go. Read.
Ray: You probably just read the one chapter.
Marie: Jim Brown averaged 5.2 yards per carry for his entire career.
Ray: Damn you.

Marie: Shame on you! This lady dies, and this is all she gets?
Frank: Hey, Marie, you two weren't that close. What are you takin' it so hard for?
Marie: Because she was the one, Frank. She was the one I picked for you.
Frank: What?
Marie: I wanted you to be with Rose Caputo.
Linda: Kinky neighborhood.
Marie: Years ago, I decided to pick someone to replace me if I died before you.
Frank: What do you mean? To marry me?
Marie: Yes. Someone to make you happy after I was gone.
Frank: Oh, that's nice, Marie, but, uh... I think I'd be happy enough.