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‘The Invasion’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Invasion

301. The Invasion

Aired September 21, 1998

The tables are turned when Ray and Debra temporarily move into Frank and Marie's house and become an intrusion.

Quote from Marie

Marie: What was the truck in front of the house with the dancing little bugs on top?
Debra: We've got termites.
Marie: Oh my God! Oh, oh, dear! I told you, dear, you have to keep up with your housekeeping.

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Quote from Debra

Debra: Oh, look, it's the Raymond Barone living memorial.
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: So what happens? Every 45 minutes an actor dressed as you comes in and recreates scenes from your life, huh? Yeah. [as Ray] "Oh no, where is my retainer? Oh!" "Hey, what's that? A pimple?" "You know all the other guys have hair down here."
Ray: Yeah, that's it. That's the whole show. Except for the finale where you stare at the Farrah Fawcett poster and... lock the door.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Ray, can't you see? I'm just trying to make a point here. Listen, you could help me. It could be fun. Come on, we never do anything together anymore.
Ray: You are sick.
Debra: If I am sick, it's because your family made me that way.

Quote from Marie

Ray: We're just helping.
Debra: Yeah, I mean you seem to have so much to do. We just wanted to pitch in.
Ray: Why, is this annoying to you?
Debra: Is it bothering you?
Ray: Are we intrusive?
Debra: Because we don't mean to be. We're just trying to help you the way you help us.
Marie: Oh, I see what they're doing. Are you trying to repay us for everything we do for you?
Ray: Well...
Marie: But you see, dear, when we help you, we're actually helping.
Debra: ... What?
Marie: Don't worry. No, no, I'm not mad. I can't be mad at you if you don't know what you're doing.

Quote from Robert

Robert: You know what, Mom? Maybe you haven't spent enough time showing them how to do things.
Ray: Hey, Robert.
Robert: No, no, I say when that tent comes down Ma's over there showing you how to do the laundry.
Ray: Why don't you go complete the outfit and put on the toilet seat cover?
Robert: And maybe Dad could teach Ray how to fix stuff.
Frank: That's true. You don't know a monkey wrench from a monkey's ass, do you, son?
Ray: No.
Ally: [runs in] Hey, they're taking the tent off.
Marie: Oh, we can start right now. I'll go get my cleaning supplies. And we'll make you a starter kit.
Frank: I'll get some tools, hammerhead.
Robert: Hey, Ray! [reveals his nipple and makes a kissing gesture]

Quote from Frank

Frank: [opens fridge and pulls the door off] Ah! Holy crapping crap! What the hell happened here?
Ray: Oh, I wanted to tell you. I tried to fix it. It was too loose.
Frank: It was never this friggin' loose.
Ray: I'm sorry, Dad, I was just trying to help.
Frank: You want to help me? Find my remote.

Quote from Debra

Debra: I'm intruding?! But her coming over to my house every day with food and rewashing the kids clothes and your father fixing things until they're broken, that's not intruding?
Ray: All right, it's one more day.
Debra: No, I really love this.
Ray: Just play along. One more, that's all.
Debra: Boy.
Ray: What? What?
Debra: You know what? She thinks reading is intrusive. [chuckles]

Quote from Debra

Marie: What are you doing?
Ray: We just- We're having a little snack, corn dog.
Marie: Corn dog?! I am making dinner. You should know not to eat- [Robert enters with two corn dogs] Those are hot, aren't they? What's the matter with you people? I have lasagna in the oven.
Debra: Oh my God. I'm sorry, Marie. Was that for dinner? I took it out to make the corn dogs. You want a corn dog?
Marie: No, thank you, dear.
Frank: I still want mine.

Quote from Debra

Marie: I don't understand why you would use bleach on these towels.
Debra: Marie, they just seemed a little yellowy.
Marie: Yes, they're yellow towels. My whole bathroom is yellow. It's my theme.
Debra: Oh.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Children, come on, off the floor right now. Come on, come on, you're all coming to stay with Grandma.
Debra: No, no, we have a hotel we're gonna stay at while they tent the house.
Marie: A hotel? Those places are even dirtier than here. No, no, you're just gonna come across the street and stay with us, period. I'll put out some more towels.
Ray: Well, it would be cheaper.
Debra: Financially.
Marie: How could you even think of going to a hotel?
Debra: Don't you think you ought to check this out with Frank?
Marie: Why?

Quote from Robert

Robert: All right, here we go. The Honeymoon Suite. Got the closet right over here. Toilet down the hall. Light switch.
Ray: Okay, got it. Thank you. [Robert stands there] I'm not tipping you, Robert.
Robert: No, no, I just can't believe you're back.
Debra: Don't worry, Robert, it's just for a couple of days.
Robert: Yeah, that's what I said. I'm sure you'll have a marvelous time. Mom is going all out now that [as Marie] "Raymond has come home."
Ray: All right, thank you.
Robert: All right, by the way, there's a few rules: I take my showers at 6:35 in the A.M. Please refrain from any and all flushing. Despite what Dad thinks, it is not funny. Enjoy your stay. [exits]
Debra: What are you doing?
Ray: Setting my alarm for 6:35.

Quote from Ray

Debra: It's so peaceful here. And I'll say this. It's much smaller than a hotel room would have been.
Ray: Come on, in a hotel room, you- You couldn't get the complete set of the "Book of Knowledge." Hey, let's look up "reproductive organs." That's all I had. Until Farrah.

Quote from Robert

Marie: I can't stand it. I can't live here this way.
Frank: [excited] You're leaving?
Marie: Hey, you're eating the brownies. They're for--
Robert: I know, everything's for our very special guest, Raymond. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.

Quote from Marie

Marie: I'm trying to watch my French class in there and it's very difficult. Très difficile.
Ray: Oh, Ma, don't French, okay? Why? What's the matter?
Marie: Well, Debra's in there reading.
Ray: What, out loud?
Marie: No, but I just don't feel free to participate. It's very intrusive.
Ray: What?!
Frank: Yeah, and one of your kids is clopping around in my shoes. Some people find that cute. I hate that.
Robert: Yeah, and Ray, who flushed this morning while I was conditioning? [off Ray's look] "J'accuse!"
Marie: That's good, Robby, good. He's accusing you.
Ray: I'm ignoring him.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, could you go read in the other room?
Debra: Why?
Ray: My mom's trying to be French in here and you're... "intruding".
Debra: What?!
Ray: I don't know, you're in the way. Look at you.
Debra: Wait, let me get this straight, sitting quietly on the sofa reading to myself is intruding?
Ray: You know how the French are.

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