Debra: Look, just give me the list, all right? I just want to see it.
Ray: Look, just keep in mind, it's not really done yet.
Debra: "Peking duck, goat cheese pizza." What is this?
Ray: I told you, it's goals and stuff.
Debra: These are your goals? These are restaurant specials.
Ray: I've never had the Peking duck.
Debra: So your goal is just to eat things you've never eaten before?
Ray: Not entirely.
Debra: "Enlarged prostate."
Ray: See? That's something that I want to avoid. Not something I wish to eat.

Debra: Well, I just thought that after the kids grow up, it might be nice if, I don't know, we moved upstate and opened a little bed-and-breakfast somewhere.
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bed-and-breakfast? What do you mean, like, strangers coming in and out of our house all the time?
Debra: Yes, Ray, strangers. I'd like to try strangers for a change.

Frank: You know what I always wanted to do, Ray? Sing like Tony Bennett.
Ray: Tony Bennett?
Frank: That's right. But look at me. Am I Tony Bennett?
Ray: No.
Frank: You see, you do a thing, and that's what you are. One guy lives in Brooklyn. One guy lives in Sutton Place. Another guy's a lawyer, one guy is a doctor. Another guy dies, another guy gets well, people are born...
Ray: What the hell are you talking about?
Frank: Don't worry so much. You die. You did what you did.
Marie: Frank, stop saying "die." It's obvious Raymond's afraid of dying.
Frank: Well, what am I supposed to tell him? That it's not going to happen? It's going to happen. You're going to die!
Ray: Thank you, Dad.

Marie: You sold half of our joint burial plot?
Frank: The people next door had an unexpected death. They were very upset. I got twice what I paid for it.
Marie: It wasn't yours to sell.
Frank: I sold my half of the plot.
Marie: How do you know it wasn't my half, Frank?
Frank: I always sleep on the left.
Marie: And when were you going to tell me about this?
Frank: I wasn't. I figured if you went first, you couldn't yell at me. And if I went first, yell all you want.
Marie: You have always wanted to leave me, haven't you?
Frank: Till death do us part, Marie. After that you're on your own.

Marie: Good news. I found a cemetery that can fit us all in.
Debra: [to Ray] Misery, your company's here.
Marie: It's beautiful. But it may be a little tight. See, one of us has to be vertical.
Ray: I don't know, Ma. I'm thinking of going cremation.
Marie: Oh, you want to go off on your own, too? This family is falling apart.
Ray: This does look nice, though.
Marie: See? Debra, would you mind being the vertical one?
Ray: Why Debra, Ma?
Marie: Well, it can't be your brother, his head would stick out of the ground.

Debra: It was two years ago.
Ray: Well, You never acted like you were having a mid-life crisis.
Debra: Ray, look at me. I am rubbing cream on my hands. Do you know why I'm rubbing cream on my hands?
Ray: Because it's hand cream?
Debra: No, because my skin isn't as soft and smooth as it used to be. Have you noticed?
Ray: Well, I didn't want to say anything-
Debra: Shut up, Ray. That is why every night I take this cream and desperately try to turn back the clock. And even though I know it's a losing battle, I still do it anyway. That is how you have a proper mid-life crisis. You do not start planning your death. You go into denial like a normal person.

Debra: "Things to do before I die."
Ray: It's personal, okay? Like you have your feminine products.
Debra: ls this about you shrinking?
Ray: Maybe a little. Look, the guys thought that the reason the shrinking thing is bothering me is 'cause I'm having a mid-life crisis. Yeah, and I need some goals, you know? Something to shoot for.
Debra: You want to have an affair?
Ray: What? Where did that come from?
Debra: Well, how come you won't show me?
Ray: Yeah. I put "have an affair" on paper. That's one of my goals. Disappoint another woman.

Debra: When you started going all nuts about the height thing I bought these as a joke. But now I think they're actually going to help. So stick these on.
Ray: Oh, come on. These aren't going to do anything.
Debra: You want to be 6 feet tall? Put them on.
Ray: I'm not wearing lifts.
Debra: They're not lifts. They're extra-thick Odor-Eaters. Two birds with one stone.

Debra: Well, Ray, come on. You're a writer. Don't you want to do something like write the great American novel, or...
Ray: I thought about that, and then I thought I don't even want to read the great American novel.
Debra: Well, there has to be something else you want to do besides: "never throw up again."
Ray: No. That's it, see? I got nothing. I got no dreams.

Marie: Raymond, why didn't you tell us you were having a mid-life crisis?
Ray: The announcements are still being printed, Ma.