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‘The Cult’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Cult

701. The Cult

Aired September 23, 2002

With tension in the family still running high as Debra and Marie refuse to talk to each other, a stressed-out Robert joins a cult.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh my God! He's in a cult!
Robert: It's not a cult, Ma.
Frank: Then why the hell did you hug me?
Robert: It made me happy.
Marie: Oh my God! He's in a cult!
Robert: It's not a cult. It's just a bunch of people who want to see me happy, who happen to care about me.
Marie: You have that here, you stupid ass.

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Quote from Marie

Debra: I just want to talk to you.
Robert: Why?!
Debra: Because I care about you!
Marie: And I'm your mother!
Robert: Why would I take advice about life from you two? You can't even talk to each other!
Marie: Yes, we can! Oh, Debra!
Debra: Oh, Marie! [both hug and sob]

Quote from Frank

Ray: Come on, I'm not going to one of those things. What if they drug me and I wake up chained to a goat?
Frank: You've just described my wedding.
Marie: [o.s.] I heard that.

Quote from Marie

Robert: Well, they said you might not understand. But that's okay. I'm not gonna judge.
Frank: Back! Get back!
Robert: All right. I'm gonna go up and try to find some old photos. Innerpath wants to do a collage of our former selves. [exits]
Marie: [to Frank] Look what you did. You never hugged him enough as a child. Now he's gonna shave his head and sit on the floor at the airport.

Quote from Marie

Ray: All right, listen, was Robert here?
Frank: Yeah, it was horrible. He hugged me.
Ray: He hugged me too. He's huggin' everything.
Debra: Okay, we have to do something. Robert is so impressionable.
Ray: Yeah, he's a dope. So what do we do?
Marie: [opens serving window] We have to get him out of this. Raymond, you have to talk to him. [closes serving window]
Debra: You know, Ray, maybe you could find out more about this Innerpath. Maybe you could take Robert up on his offer.
Ray: No, I couldn't.
Frank: What offer?
Ray: He asked me to go to a meeting with him.
Marie: [opens serving window] You have to do that, Raymond. These people sound like maniacs. [closes serving window]

Quote from Ray

Debra: What are we gonna do?
Ray: I don't know! That's what I've been trying to figure out. I called the precinct to talk to his partner. You know what she wants to do? She wants to come over and have one of those insurrections or somethin'.
Debra: An intervention?
Ray: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Quote from Frank

Frank: What is this, a party? What? You lock me out to keep me away from cake now?
Marie: Just go home, Frank.
Ray: Yeah, Dad, go. How come you're not at the lodge?
Frank: The pool's got a fungus. Well, what's the party for, the Dalai Lama over here?
Ray: Okay. Come on. Please, Dad, not now.
Frank: [sings] Hello, Dolly.
Debra: Frank.
Frank: [sings] Well, hello, Dolly.
Ray: Dad!
Frank: [sings] It's so nice that my son's head is full of crap.

Quote from Frank

Judy: Frank, could I see you for a minute? See, what we're tryin' to do here is reinforce the family thing let Robert know we're here for him, nurture him a little bit today.
Frank: Oh. Hey, moron! [slaps Robert's head]
Marie: Frank!
Frank: No, this guy's been coddled his whole life! That's why he has no brains! That's why he can't think for himself! That's why he joins a freakin' cult! Snap out of it, lunkhead! You know what the only thing you need now is? A good kick in the pants! [Frank kicks the chair]
Robert: Oh, yeah? What's that, huh? The name of your parenting book? "A Good Kick in the Pants"? Well, thanks a lot, Dad. It's worked wonders for me over the years.
Ray: Come on, Robert. Don't listen to him. He pees in the yard.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Oh, Robert!
Marie: Robbie!
Debra: Robert, please. Sit down.
Marie: Yes, please, dear. Don't join a cult. Have some cake.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Wait. Wait a minute. You guys planned this whole thing?
Marie: What?
Robert: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Judy: You're not mad, are you?
Debra: No, I'm not mad.
Marie: Oh. How could I be mad when you gave Debra back to me?
Ray: Yeah, well, then there's somebody else you should thank.
Frank: [chuckles] And the Oscar goes to...
Robert: Yeah, but what was with that slap in the head?
Frank: I was in the moment.

Quote from Marie

Marie: You were tricking us?
Frank: What? You're mad at me now? How come you're fine with them?
Marie: Because they're nice boys, and you're a gloating nincompoop! [to Debra] Let me show you the cake I made. It's chocolate, but it's different than the usual...
Frank: Robert, this cult... How many wives can you have?

Quote from Frank

Frank: I still don't get why you ever wanted to join a stupid cult.
Robert: All right, Dad.
Ray: You know what that was? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Agh!
Robert: Nice to be back.
Frank: Yeah, this is what it's all about, flagpole. Laughs. The ballgame. Free will. Doin' what you want when you want it. You don't get that in any stinkin' cult!
Debra: All right, TV off. It's lunch.
Men: Okay.
Frank: What are we havin'?
Marie: Chicken.
Frank: We wanted roast beef.
Marie: We're havin' chicken.
Men: Okay.


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