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‘The Cult’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Cult

701. The Cult

Aired September 23, 2002

With tension in the family still running high as Debra and Marie refuse to talk to each other, a stressed-out Robert joins a cult.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh my God! He's in a cult!
Robert: It's not a cult, Ma.
Frank: Then why the hell did you hug me?
Robert: It made me happy.
Marie: Oh my God! He's in a cult!
Robert: It's not a cult. It's just a bunch of people who want to see me happy, who happen to care about me.
Marie: You have that here, you stupid ass.

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Quote from Marie

Debra: I just want to talk to you.
Robert: Why?!
Debra: Because I care about you!
Marie: And I'm your mother!
Robert: Why would I take advice about life from you two? You can't even talk to each other!
Marie: Yes, we can! Oh, Debra!
Debra: Oh, Marie! [both hug and sob]

Quote from Frank

Ray: Come on, I'm not going to one of those things. What if they drug me and I wake up chained to a goat?
Frank: You've just described my wedding.
Marie: [o.s.] I heard that.

Quote from Marie

Robert: Well, they said you might not understand. But that's okay. I'm not gonna judge.
Frank: Back! Get back!
Robert: All right. I'm gonna go up and try to find some old photos. Innerpath wants to do a collage of our former selves. [exits]
Marie: [to Frank] Look what you did. You never hugged him enough as a child. Now he's gonna shave his head and sit on the floor at the airport.

Quote from Marie

Ray: All right, listen, was Robert here?
Frank: Yeah, it was horrible. He hugged me.
Ray: He hugged me too. He's huggin' everything.
Debra: Okay, we have to do something. Robert is so impressionable.
Ray: Yeah, he's a dope. So what do we do?
Marie: [opens serving window] We have to get him out of this. Raymond, you have to talk to him. [closes serving window]
Debra: You know, Ray, maybe you could find out more about this Innerpath. Maybe you could take Robert up on his offer.
Ray: No, I couldn't.
Frank: What offer?
Ray: He asked me to go to a meeting with him.
Marie: [opens serving window] You have to do that, Raymond. These people sound like maniacs. [closes serving window]

Quote from Ray

Debra: What are we gonna do?
Ray: I don't know! That's what I've been trying to figure out. I called the precinct to talk to his partner. You know what she wants to do? She wants to come over and have one of those insurrections or somethin'.
Debra: An intervention?
Ray: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Quote from Frank

Frank: What is this, a party? What? You lock me out to keep me away from cake now?
Marie: Just go home, Frank.
Ray: Yeah, Dad, go. How come you're not at the lodge?
Frank: The pool's got a fungus. Well, what's the party for, the Dalai Lama over here?
Ray: Okay. Come on. Please, Dad, not now.
Frank: [sings] Hello, Dolly.
Debra: Frank.
Frank: [sings] Well, hello, Dolly.
Ray: Dad!
Frank: [sings] It's so nice that my son's head is full of crap.

Quote from Frank

Judy: Frank, could I see you for a minute? See, what we're tryin' to do here is reinforce the family thing let Robert know we're here for him, nurture him a little bit today.
Frank: Oh. Hey, moron! [slaps Robert's head]
Marie: Frank!
Frank: No, this guy's been coddled his whole life! That's why he has no brains! That's why he can't think for himself! That's why he joins a freakin' cult! Snap out of it, lunkhead! You know what the only thing you need now is? A good kick in the pants! [Frank kicks the chair]
Robert: Oh, yeah? What's that, huh? The name of your parenting book? "A Good Kick in the Pants"? Well, thanks a lot, Dad. It's worked wonders for me over the years.
Ray: Come on, Robert. Don't listen to him. He pees in the yard.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Oh, Robert!
Marie: Robbie!
Debra: Robert, please. Sit down.
Marie: Yes, please, dear. Don't join a cult. Have some cake.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Wait. Wait a minute. You guys planned this whole thing?
Marie: What?
Robert: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Judy: You're not mad, are you?
Debra: No, I'm not mad.
Marie: Oh. How could I be mad when you gave Debra back to me?
Ray: Yeah, well, then there's somebody else you should thank.
Frank: [chuckles] And the Oscar goes to...
Robert: Yeah, but what was with that slap in the head?
Frank: I was in the moment.

Quote from Marie

Marie: You were tricking us?
Frank: What? You're mad at me now? How come you're fine with them?
Marie: Because they're nice boys, and you're a gloating nincompoop! [to Debra] Let me show you the cake I made. It's chocolate, but it's different than the usual...
Frank: Robert, this cult... How many wives can you have?

Quote from Frank

Frank: I still don't get why you ever wanted to join a stupid cult.
Robert: All right, Dad.
Ray: You know what that was? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Agh!
Robert: Nice to be back.
Frank: Yeah, this is what it's all about, flagpole. Laughs. The ballgame. Free will. Doin' what you want when you want it. You don't get that in any stinkin' cult!
Debra: All right, TV off. It's lunch.
Men: Okay.
Frank: What are we havin'?
Marie: Chicken.
Frank: We wanted roast beef.
Marie: We're havin' chicken.
Men: Okay.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Mmm. Man, I love a pickle. Juicy. Mmm. You know what's great about a pickle? It's like a food and a drink.
Mmm.

Quote from Robert

Robert: This is a beautiful day, isn't it? It's crisp. You know, I really never knew what people meant when they said it was a crisp day, but today I get it.
Ray: Where'd you get that shirt, "Big, Tall and Samoan"? [Robert hugs Ray] What are you doing? Go away! What are doing?
Robert: I hugged you. Surprised? That's exactly why I hugged you. Oh, there's a new Robert in town.
Ray: Well, he still has that old Robert smell.

Quote from Robert

Debra: So, what's going on, Robert?
Robert: Ah, I'm just happy. I got a new outlook on life. Hey, have you ever heard about "Innerpath"?
Debra: No. What's that?
Robert: I'm glad you asked. It's a group with a great philosophy about life and how to live it. I've been to a couple of meetings already. Gerard got me into it.
Debra: Gerard? Isn't he, like, uh, an idiot?
Robert: I used to think so but that was my baggage. I was making him carry.
Debra: Oh. So is this like a self-help group or something?
Robert: Oh, no no no. It's much more. You see, Innerpath teaches us that we all have the same emotional doors. And the trick is recognizing which doors to bolt shut and which ones to throw open.
[Ray gets up and goes and opens his kitchen door]

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