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‘Civil War’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Civil War

213. Civil War

Aired January 5, 1998

Ray is upset when Frank doesn't ask him to join a civil war reenactment which Robert is also attending.

Quote from Frank

Frank: All right. This house is secure. I want lunch.
Harry: May I escort you across the street, Miss Marie?
Marie: Thank you, Jeb. What a gentleman.
Frank: Hey, if you're gonna act like you're stealing her away, don't tease me. Steal her away!

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Quote from Robert

Ray: You're this big Civil War freak now, just because Dad asked you to go first?
Robert: He didn't ask me.
Ray: What?
Robert: He didn't ask me. Since when does Dad ask us to do anything with him? I had to enlist.
Ray: God, I don't believe this. I only did this because.
Robert: Because you thought he asked me and not you. And now you have to go. [laughs] Hey, better bring a newspaper.
Ray: They had newspapers then.
Robert: They didn't have toilet paper.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Ah, my feet are killing me. I think these boots are a size too small. Tell me, what's it say on the bottom of my right boot?
Ray: "Left."
Frank: Oh, crap. What's it say on the other one?
Ray: Guess.

Quote from Frank

Ray: All right. Forget about it, then. I won't go. I just thought maybe we could do something together for once, you know, like you did with your father.
Frank: What are you talking about?
Ray: What do you mean? What do you mean, what I am talking about? Didn't you just tell me he gave you the knife? He took you hunting and fishing and canoeing. Didn't you just tell me that, Dad? Or what is that all pretend, too? [Frank is silent as he polishes his rifle] It is, isn't it?
Frank: Are you going to help me off with the damn boots, or what?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Turn the foot, Dad.
Frank: You know I tried to be better than him.
Ray: I know, Dad. I know.
Frank: Well, you're good at that, aren't you? Doing stuff with your kids.
Ray: I'm all right. I could be better, too. You know, but they'll probably be better with their kids so we're on the right track here. Your great-great-grandchildren will probably be excellent parents.
Frank: Yeah.

Quote from Frank

Harry: Miss Marie.
Marie: Hello, Harry.
Harry: Please, ma'am, call me Jeb.
Marie: Well. Hello, Jeb.
Harry: You are a sight for sore eyes.
Frank: And mine are pretty sore.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Man, it's pretty cold out there. What is that? Breakfast?
Robert: An authentic Civil War breakfast.
Frank: Your mother makes a hell of a jerky.
Robert: Yeah. You could swear that this was made in 1863, huh?
Ray: You guys are really looking forward to this reenactment thing?
Robert: I can't wait. Violence without paperwork.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What's this?
Debra: That's the invitation to Tom and Mary Anne's baby shower this weekend.
Ray: Baby shower? Why is it addressed to both of us?
Debra: 'Cause you're invited, too. It's for couples.
Ray: Couples? Since when does the guy have to go to that? Come on, they're screwing with nature now.
Debra: You know, it's their first baby. They're still excited. Dear Ray and Debra, we hope each of our guests will make a presentation.
Ray: What?
Debra: You can recite a poem, do a skit. "The proud parents will tape it as a tribute for the child."
Ray: Tribute? Who's she got in there, Gandhi?

Quote from Marie

Marie: Debra, I got the twins down and I made your bed, and I hung up some clothes. I tell you so you won't be shocked later.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Marie, water.
Ray: What are you doing, Dad?
Frank: Attacking your house.
Marie: Harry got your father back into the Civil War reenacting.
Harry: Damn glad I did. I'm proud to lead this beautiful bastard into battle.
Debra: So you're one of those guys who gets dressed up in uniforms and recreates battles and..?
Frank: I like war.
Marie: Your father's a lieutenant.
Ray: It's make-believe, Ma. He could be Lincoln if he wanted to.

Quote from Ray

Ray: My father's about to ask me to go to this war thing. What am I going to do?
Debra: Tell him you can't do it.
Ray: I can't just turn him down. Look how excited he is. No, I got to tell him I'm going somewhere else.
Debra: Well, you are going somewhere else. You're going to the baby shower.
Ray: Oh. Hey, what if I tell him I'm going to the baby shower? Right, he goes to his thing, you go to your thing and I make sure that things are good here?

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, Ray, we're going to get going but I wanted to ask you about next weekend.
Ray: Next weekend I'm going to a baby shower.
Frank: What?
Ray: Yeah. It's for couples. That's how they do it now.
Frank: Well, I was going to ask you, since I'm going to be at war if you wouldn't mind taking out my recyclables.
Ray: That's what you wanted to ask me?
Frank: Yeah. [to Harry] Hey, you know what my son's doing while I'm out fighting? He's going to a baby shower.
Harry: Oh, yeah? Back in Civil War days, we had names for guys like you. They're pretty much like the names we have for you today.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, I was thinking about what we could do for our presentation for the baby shower.
Ray: I was thinking about that, too. Here's what I was thinking. We get up there in front of everybody this will be great and then I put an ax through my head. All right? Then you do the presentation by yourself, because, thank God, I'm dead.
Debra: You know, as much as I like that, it's going to be tough to follow.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Please don't make me go. As bad as this shower might be, it doesn't even compare to your dad's Civil War thing. Think about your poor brother.
Ray: Yeah. Why?
Debra: He's going to it. Can you imagine being stuck in a tent with your dad? That's where you need the ax.

Quote from Ray

Ray: My dad asked him to go?
Debra: Yeah, your mom told me.
Ray: What? Robert's so great?
Debra: No, I don't think that--
Ray: And I get the recycling. He doesn't even ask me. I mean my father should ask me, shouldn't he? Why didn't he ask?
Debra: Well, would you have gone?
Ray: Of course not. But why does he want Robert to go and not me? What's wrong with me?
Debra: Ray, I didn't know that you'd be feeling so... Wait a minute. You're not acting all hurt just so I'll tell you to go with your dad so that you can get out of the baby shower, are you?
Ray: I'm not that smart.

Quote from Ray

Ray: So I guess everybody who signed up. What, are they, they're already signed up already?
Frank: Yeah. Why?
Ray: I don't know.
Frank: What are you saying? You want to go to the reenactment?
Ray: You asking me?
Frank: You want to go?
Ray: I don't know. You asking me?
Frank: If I ask you, would you go?
Robert: Are you asking Raymond?
Frank: I don't know. Does he want to go?
Robert: Why are you asking me?
Frank: Do you want to go?
Ray: All right, I'll go! Thank you for asking.

Quote from Frank

Frank: All right, I got to go over to Harry's and tell him we need another uniform.
Ray: Can't you call him?
Frank: No. In his world, the phone won't be invented for another 13 years.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Do you have any idea what you're getting into?
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: No bed, no heat, no shower. Weather report for next weekend: snow.
Ray: All right.
Robert: Meals are hardtack, jerky and whatever water you can wring out of your socks.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Debra. Newsday or USA Today? Which is softer?
Debra: I don't know.
Ray: Ah, I'll bring them both. I'll read one of them.

Quote from Ray

Debra: What's all that stuff?
Ray: It's for that reenactment. I got to go to my father's house and get ready.
Debra: What are you bringing?
Ray: Essentials. You know, stuff for war.
Debra: Rice Krispies Treats? I don't think they had those in the Civil War.
Ray: I never read that anywhere.
Debra: Itty bitty book light?

Quote from Ray

Debra: I thought you were dreading this thing.
Ray: I am dreading it. The war part.
Debra: "The war part." What else is there?
Ray: Well, there's my father. It's the weirdest thing. At first, I just wanted to get asked. You know, we never did stuff together, me and him. Now I just kind of want to go with him.
Debra: Really?
Ray: Yeah. War makes people do crazy things.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.
Ray: What, like upset?
Frank: No. No, it's got to be realistic. Here. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.
Robert: What caliber, .22 or .45?
Frank: Ray.
Ray: Bang.
Frank: [groans] I'm hit. Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards. Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty, young, non-nagging Civil War wife. Oh, Abigail! See? Getting shot is fun.
Ray: Not if you're watching.

Quote from Frank

Robert: You all right, Dad?
Frank: Sure, sure, thanks.
Frank: See? That's what the Civil War is about. Families coming together.
Ray: To kill other families.
Frank: Amen.
Robert: Hey, you know what just occurred to me? If someone really dies, you don't find out about it till the car ride home.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Hey, look at this old pocket knife. It's got initials on it: "A.B." Who's A.B.?
Frank: Albert Barone, my father.
Robert: Oh, yeah. He gave that to you?
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Ray: Pretty cool. When did he give you this?
Frank: We were always camping, hiking, canoeing. Guess he gave it to me on one of those trips.
Ray: Oh, yeah? This is history. I can take this on the reenactment with me.
Robert: No, no. They had no knives like this during the Civil War. Everything has to be completely authentic. See these pants? No zipper.
Ray: Good luck with that.

Quote from Ray

Frank: The South's short of a few guys so you're going to have to fight on their side. [Robert chuckles]
Ray: South? Come on, I don't want to fight on the South. I want to be with you guys at this thing.
Harry: A rebel in a Union camp? That is out of the question, soldier.
Ray: I'm not a rebel! Come on, I don't know those guys. I'm going to be all shy.
Harry: Don't make me slap you.
Ray: I'm never going to pass for a Southerner, okay? What if they hear me talk?
Robert: Maybe they'll hang you as a spy.
Harry: Robert, want to give me a hand? I have a cannon in the trunk of my car.
Robert: Sir, yes, sir!
Ray: Wait. Robert, talk to this guy, will you? I don't want to fight for the South. I can't eat grits and say "y'all."
Robert: I like you on the other side. It's more authentic. Brother against brother. [whistles "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]

Quote from Frank

Ray: Dad, you sure I can't be on your side at this thing?
Frank: I told you, the South's a few guys short. Look, try yanking from the heel, okay?
Ray: I kind of thought I'd be on your side in this thing, you know? With you.
Frank: Look, I know what you're worried about. If we should come face to face out there, I'll just shoot you in the hand, all right? Ah, you're twisting. What's the matter with you?
Ray: Either I'm on your side in this thing, or I'm not gonna go.
Frank: You can't desert now.
Ray: There's no desert, Dad. There's no war here! It's just dressing up in costumes like it's Halloween with your friend Harry/Jeb.
Frank: You shut up now. This means something to us. There's camaraderie here. There's spirit. You don't understand anything about this! You have no idea what it feels like to stand on a battlefield pretending to fight for something you believe in!

Quote from Frank

Ray: Look, I'm not talking about that, Dad.
Frank: Then why do you want to go?
Ray: Believe it or not, to be with you! Why can't you do something with me for once?
Frank: What are you talking about? We do stuff.
Ray: What do we ever do, Dad?
Frank: I can't believe you're giving me all this grief just because you're not on my side in this thing. I'm sorry I asked you to go.
Ray: You didn't ask me to go.
Frank: Yes, I did!
Ray: No, you didn't!
Frank: I said, "Do you want to go?"
Ray: Yeah, you said, "Do you want to go?" Not, "Do you want to go, because I want you to go."
Frank: Oh, my God. You are going to get passed around the campfire like a bag of chips.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Debra, you've got to see this. Come on.
Robert: We're just here to say farewell to our kinfolk.
Debra: Ray, your ride's here.
Ray: Listen, if I don't come back, it's because I died of embarrassment.
Debra: [as a Southern Belle] Well, I do declare, you look so very fine in your uniform. I believe I've got the vapors.
Ray: Where were you last night?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, kids, when I come back from the war we're gonna go to The Happy Zone, right?
Ally: I hope you win, Daddy.
Robert: Don't bet on it, kid.
Debra: Hey, Ray, here, sign this card for the baby shower.
Ray: Sorry, got to go.
Debra: Come on, what am I going to tell Tom and Mary Anne?
Ray: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Quote from Robert

Ray: I got to lie here all afternoon?
Robert: It's got to be authentic.
Ray: What authentic? Stonewall Jackson's wearing a beeper.
Robert: His wife's pregnant.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Yeah, come here. I got to teach you the Civil War handshake. Not like that. You got to clasp forearms, like this. It's stronger.
Ray: Like this here?
Frank: Yeah.
Ray: Okay. You're shaking hands with a Confederate here.
Frank: Yeah. You don't have much of a grip there, Nancy.


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