Debra: Ray, are you gonna sit there all day? Just join the party.
Ray: No, no. It's not right. My mom and her boyfriend.
Debra: I thought you made him gay.
Ray: I'm the only one who knows that. Come on, my dad should be here.
Debra: What is it that you miss the most? The burping, the finger in the frosting, the wiping his mouth on the curtains?
Ray: If you must know, I miss the shirttail out the fly.

Marco: Where's Frank?
Marie: Oh, Frank's not coming.
Marco: Why not?
Marie: He's sick. Swine flu.

Frank: You want a beer?
Marco: Is your wife here?
Frank: Yeah, but she won't bother us. Sit down. Open your pants.
Marie: [enters] Who is it- Oh! Hello, Marco. What a nice surprise.
Marco: Buongiorno.
Frank: Yeah, buongiorno. That's Italian for "beer, Marie!"
Marie: Right away, Frank. Would you like it in a bottle over your head or in a can somewhere else?

Frank: Now? We're gonna have a beer here!
Marie: Beer? Here is a man who thirsts for something more than alcohol. Here's a man who wants music in his life.
Frank: I could use a little music in my life. The sweet sound of the white coats coming to take you off to the nut farm.

Frank: Would you can it? I'm trying to watch the game here. Chips, Debra!
Ray: Hey, Dad, if you're gonna be like that, why don't you just watch the game at your own house?
Frank: I can't. Your mother's giving Marco another piano lesson.
Robert: Didn't he have one yesterday?
Frank: Every day for two weeks now.
Ray: Marco? The only thing I see that guy playing is the organ in a haunted house.

Frank: It's not just the lessons anymore. They're hanging out now. They're friends.
Debra: Chips, Frank.
Robert: Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean, friends?
Frank: They're together all the time playing piano, swappin' recipes. Sometimes they sit and listen to opera and cry!
Debra: Sounds like this is bothering you a little bit, Frank.
Frank: Opera. Just what the world needs: more fat women screaming!

Marie: Marco is my friend. Now I never see him anymore. He's always with your father. They're watching sports or swimming nude at the lodge.
Debra: There isn't enough chlorine in the world.

Frank: Marie, door!
Marie: [o.s.] I'm in the kitchen. Put your pants on and get it yourself!
Frank: I got pants on. [doorbell rings again] I'm comin' already! [Frank opens the door] Marco.
Marco: Is this a bad time?
Frank: No, no, no. For you, I zip.

Frank: Hey, come on in. It's, uh, good to see you.
Marco: Nice seeing you.
Frank: Maybe sometime we play bocce, like in Italy.
Marco: Yeah, great.
Frank: So, how do you like livin' in America? How's the restaurant business?
Marco: Ah, it's not like home. Everybody, they steal here. All the time.
Frank: They don't steal in Italy?
Marco: In Italy, they steal only once.

Marco: My daughter Stefania says you're a great teacher of piano. With respect, I ask you for favor. Could you teach me?
Frank: What, are you kidding?
Marco: My mother, all her life, she loves music. She always wants me to play. But then when she gets sick, I promise her to learn... then she die.
Frank: So you're off the hook.
Marie: Frank! That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard, Marco.
Marco: But it was a long time ago. I'm afraid now, maybe I'm too old.
Marie: Oh, no. You're never too old to do something for your mother. I'll teach you right now.