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‘Frank Paints the House’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Paints the House

524. Frank Paints the House

Aired May 21, 2001

Marie gets Frank to paint Ray and Debra's house.

Quote from Frank

Ray: How are you right? How are you right?! It's my house and you wanted to paint it yellow! How is that right?
Frank: Because yellow covers better! It won't fade as fast! And you got white houses on either side of you! It makes your house pop a little! And it goes with your trim and the frigging little daisies you got!
Ray: Well, why didn't you just say that?
Frank: I shouldn't have to say it!
Ray: What?
Frank: Because if I say it's yellow, that should be good enough for you! I shouldn't have to explain everything! I'm right!
Ray: Okay, you're right, but it's not always about being right.
Frank: Yes, it is! Being right is all that matters. Everything else is crap! "Oh, you have to consider people's feelings." "Oh, what if they don't like you?" They should like me because I did the job right!

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Quote from Marie

Marie: Well, you two always talk about having your house painted so, I put your father on the job.
Debra: But, Marie, we were going to hire professionals.
Marie: Oh, but Frank is very good. He did a nice job on our house. And he likes the fumes.
Debra: Well, yes, he did do a nice job on your house and I would hate to kill anyone's buzz, but...
Ray: Yeah, but we were kind of thinking that we would be the ones to make that decision, 'cause it is kind of our house.
Marie: Yes, but we're the ones who have to look at it.
Ray: All right, I'm going to use this french toast to lure him off the ladder.
Marie: Okay, okay, okay. Just let your father do this. I need him out of my house. Ever since he's retired, he's around all the time.
Debra: Yeah, but that's what happens when you retire.
Marie: I know, but I never thought he'd live this long.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Something hit the wall.
Ray: [opens curtains; screams]
Frank: Jeez, you scared the crap out of me!
Ray: What the- What the hell are you doing?!
Frank: I'm painting your house. What's it look like?
Ray: Looks like we have the world's ugliest shutters.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Come on, Ma, look. That's not our problem, all right? You've had 40 years to poison him.
Marie: Okay. Fine. Raymond, please I need space. I need a little time to myself. I don't want him around when I'm trying to do things.
Ray: Do what things?
Marie: When I'm trying to improve myself. This doesn't just happen. I practice my languages, I have my opera, and I'm starting yoga.
Debra: [laughs] You-
Marie: What? Is that so strange?
Ray: Yes.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Look, Ma, I think you're overreacting, okay? This wasn't that big of deal!
Marie: It was a big enough deal for him to make up a story to me about hurting his back. You're his son. How do you think that made him feel?
Robert: I hope you're happy, Raymond.
Ray: Oh, shut up! And why should I worry about his feelings? He doesn't care about anybody else's.
Marie: You don't think he cares about you? He's your father. He just isn't good at...
Ray: Living among humans.
Marie: You know, I think you're the only one who thinks you're funny.
Robert: Amen to that.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Raymond, go talk to your father.
Ray: No, no!
Debra: You know, you should.
Ray: Oh, excuse me. Who's speaking? Is that white Debra or yellow Debra?
Debra: You know, you really should. I know your father can be a real jerk sometimes.
Marie: Right, no one is arguing that. He's a bully, he's obstinate and he doesn't bathe every day. But I know that man and I know he needs one thing. He needs to be needed. Do with that what you will. [exits]
Robert: He's your father.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Listen. Frank, we were going to hire painters to do that.
Frank: So, you can thank me later. I like fine chocolates.
Ray: Dad, please, get down from there, okay? We're- We're trying to sleep here.
Frank: Oh, sure, yeah. I got you. A little Saturday morning wake me up? Just close the window. I won't listen.
[Ray closes the window and the curtains]
Ray: You know, I'm not worried about the listening. It's the heckling.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Hey, what do you got? They're finally making Popsicles in your size?
Robert: Would you stop? I can't take the old man anymore. He's driving me nuts. Ordering me around like a monkey. Calling me every name in the book: Nancy, powder puff, princess, monkey.
Ray: So? I'm getting dopey, idiot, moron. At least yours make sense.
Robert: Well, best of luck.
Ray: Oh, no. No, no, no! Come on, you're not leaving me here with him! You knew what it was going to be like working with Dad.
Robert: I had him too, Raymond. He was up on the ladder. Would have looked like an accident.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey! What's with all this standing around?! You two working for the government?!
Ray: No!
Frank: Well, I hate to break up this meeting of the Camp Fire Girls, but let's get to work! Chop! Chop!
Robert: We're working, Dad.
Frank: Oh, yeah? Are you finished caulking, Lady Chatterley?
Ray: That is a good one.
Frank: Why aren't you done caulking?!
Robert: There's a wasps' nest by the down spout.
Frank: So, you take a stick and knock it down.
Robert: They're wasps. They don't like that.
Frank: Oh, well here's what you do. If they come at you, you pull your skirt over your head and run.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Hey, Dad. He doesn't have to caulk by the down spout. It's not that important.
Frank: It's important if I say it's important.
Ray: Okay, but this is my house.
Frank: And this is my job! People see me working out here. They're going to know that Frank Barone did this job, so it's going to get done right! [to Robert] Why are you still here?
Robert: I- I don't think-
Frank: Hey, hey, it's just a couple of bugs. Knock it down with something. A stick, a broom, your pinky! I don't care! Get up there and knock out that nest!
Robert: All right!
Frank: And what about you? Are you going to scrape that paint or do a dance?
Ray: I'm scraping.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Here I thought it'd be so nice, all the Barone men working together.
Robert: No one works with Dad, you work for him.
Ray: 'Cause nobody can do anything right except him.
Robert: Yeah, remember the fort?
Ray: That's right. Robert and I were building a fort in our backyard nothing fancy, just this little fort. Yeah, just a place we could read our comic books and... other periodicals.
Debra: Ugh!
Robert: And we were having fun too, building the fort all by ourselves, right? Till Dad came home and told us we were doing it all wrong.
Ray: Yeah. Didn't show us how to do it right, just called us stupid, stinking humps and did it himself. That's why when you get mad that I'm not the handiest guy around here, you know, it brings up a lot of stuff.
Debra: I'm sorry. So it has nothing to do with you being lazy and watching TV all the time?
Ray: That's how I cover the hurt.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Your father never retired from Pelk Accounting.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Robert: If he's not retired, why does he buy his pants at the pharmacy?
Marie: He told me he retired, but I found out the truth. They fired him.
Ray: What? Why?
Marie: Why? I have to tell you? Why did you fire him? Your father believes that his way of doing things is the only way. And after 25 years, it starts to get on people's nerves.
Debra: So Frank never told you he was fired?
Marie: How could he? You don't understand, Debra. In my generation, the men had their jobs and that's who they were. Oh, it must have been so humiliating for Frank to have that little Alvin Pelk fire him from his job. And now you boys just did the same thing to him!
Robert: It was Raymond.

Quote from Debra

Ray: What are you doing?
Debra: Getting the kids ready for school.
Ray: What are you talking about? It's Saturday.
Debra: Oh, my God. It is Saturday. Because yesterday was Friday.
Ray: Very good. [chuckles] You don't know the days.
Debra: Ooh, an extra hour of sleep. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Ray: Minus five minutes of heaven.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Well, look who finally decided to get out of bed?
Ray: Ma!
Debra: It's 7:30, Marie.
Marie: Well, Debra, I was coming over here with french toast for Frank, and then I noticed that your children were starving.
Kids: Yay! French toast!

Quote from Robert

Ray: What are you doing?
Robert: Painting your house.
Ray: Oh, come on! You too?
Robert: Ma said we had to.
Ray: So, you do everything Ma tells you?
Robert: It's a little late for rebellion, Raymond.
Ray: Come on, look. I don't need both you guys hanging off my house, okay? So go back in your truck, ring a bell and sell some fudge pops.

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