‘Robert's Wedding’ Quotes Page 1 of 2
724. Robert's Wedding
Aired May 19, 2003
It's finally Robert and Amy's wedding day, but things don't go off without a hitch.
Quote from Ray
Ray: Well, I gotta be honest. I didn't know what I was gonna say today. Uh... I wanted to do a nice toast, but everybody does a nice toast. I wanted it to be special, 'cause it's a special day for my brother Robert, and his new wife Amy. So, uh... I didn't know what I was gonna say. But then, sometimes, material presents itself. Like today, for example. A lot to talk about. But I think I can put a good spin on it. I think, uh I think there's one thing that can make it all better. Editing.
Yes, I think there's a portion of today's ceremony that we won't need to save on the videotape. Editing.
You know, Robert and I, when we remember our childhood, we kind of use that technology in our heads. We only remember the good stuff, like the food. We don't remember when Mom would yell at Dad not to scratch his rear end with a spatula... in the bakery. Editing.
Yeah, you know, anybody who knows our family probably wasn't surprised by what happened today. I mean, Amy knew what she was getting into when she married into this family, and that's why I got her a wedding gift I know she can use... cyanide. Yeah.
And by the way, Robert, if you think it was annoying today when Mom interrupted the ceremony, wait till she interrupts tonight, yeah. "I gotta say, Robert, I don't think you're doing that correctly." She's involved, our mom. I liked it today when my mom said, "I'm a mother, you are my business." You know what we're waiting for, Ma? Your going-out-of-business sale.
Well, I think Amy understands that that's what marriage is about. I mean, she's not only getting a husband, she's getting an entire mental hospital. My wife Deb likes that, right? That's my wife over there, the drunk one. I'm just playin'. She couldn't be drunk here unless she took out a loan for a whiskey sour.
I want to thank Amy's family Hank and Pat for throwin' a wonderful party. They really know how to throw one. Yeah. You know, if you wanted my mom to be speechless, you should've shown her the buffet before the ceremony. But I kid. I kid the MacDougalls.
We get along great with them, especially with Peter, who, by the way, ladies, is still single. Yeah. Still single. But you know, I'm sure there's somebody for him out there, and she'd better be really out there. Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know, one more thing about the editing I, uh I think you're gonna remember about today what you wanna remember. You know, I guess our brains are good like that. Like I remember my wedding day as the day that I got to kiss the most beautiful girl in the world. Yeah.
I think she remembers it. At least I hope she does. It was a good day. The start of a lot of good memories. We completely blotted out the part where Mom was hangin' onto my pants leg yellin', "Don't go! Don't go!" Yeah.
We didn't save those pictures. Just the good ones. Just the good ones. So here's to my brother Robert, and the best thing that ever happened to him... my new sister Amy. You'll keep the good ones.
Quote from Marie
Marie: I'm just so worried that Robbie might only be getting married today because of me.
Robert: Ma, what are ya talkin' about?
Marie: I may have pressured you into getting married, and you weren't ready yet. And I need to do what's best for my son, don't I?
Robert: Could it not be today?
Marie: I'm sorry. You know I never like to interfere. But I pushed you because I was so worried that you'd wind up with nobody, and even though this is wonderful... [Ray sits down] and I'm thrilled to be here, and I love Amy - Hi, Amy - but it all happened so fast, I'm not sure how Amy's family feels about you.
Robert: Ma, this is none of your business.
Marie: How could you say that? Of course, it's my business. You're my son, you're my business.
Quote from Marie
Robert: Do you realize that you have ruined every single event I've ever had in my life?
Marie: What are you getting so upset about? We're just talking.
Robert: The elementary school play? You tried to put different pants on me.
Marie: You got yours dirty. Any mother would've done the same.
Robert: Not while I was on stage! Huh? You don't see a pattern here?!
Marie: A pattern of love. I mean, for years I kept thinking if only I had spoken up at your first wedding to that terrible dancer. And as I recall... [The reverend sits down] As I recall, you were fine with me interfering when you needed someone to throw that hussy out of the house. [to Amy] Not that that would ever happen here, dear. [to Robert] All I'm saying is I love you, and I love Amy, and I just want to make sure that you're marrying today for love, and only for love, because that's the only way a marriage can stay together. Isn't that right, Frank?
Frank: I don't know who you are, lady.
Marie: Robbie, I said what I had to say, and it came from love. Now you do what you want. This is your life. I feel better now. Go ahead, Reverend.
Quote from Pat
Pat: Thank you, Marie, but perhaps Frank is right. Perhaps you should go.
Pat: You know, this wedding, whether we like it or not, was for Amy and Robert, and you shouldn't have intruded on their moment of happiness in the chapel.
Marie: I was doing it for them.
Pat: Oh, Marie, I think maybe you were doing it for you, and you were so busy thinking about what you needed to express, you weren't thinking about anyone else, including your son. I think that's called narcissism.
Quote from Hank
Hank: You know, I'm sorry that our two families seem to have gotten off on such a wrong... what's the word... foot. I mean, I like to think that I'm a nice fella, and I was always taught to find the good in people, and I would like to with you, Frank. [extends hand]
Frank: Well, I think you are a nice fella, Hank. [shakes Hank's hand] But I gotta tell ya, you're not gonna find much good in people when they drive all the way to Pennsylvania for a big, long wedding and you screw them on the booze.
Frank: "Well"? That's all ya got? "Well"?
Hank: Yes, because "well" is what one says when one is shocked, but not particularly surprised, by someone's boorish behavior. Well.
Frank: [chuckles] That is so frickin' sad.
Hank: Oh yes, Frank, that's sad? Well, I want my money back. Now who's sad? Oh, Mr. Bartender, don't give this man any alcohol. He seems to have had more than enough over the course of his life.
Frank: I'm a veteran!
Hank: A veteran of the Bad Manners Army.
Frank: Take a hike, boy scout!
Quote from Frank
Frank: I just found out it's gonna be a cash bar. And the scuttlebutt is the food will be skimpy.
Robert: Of course, the only reason why you're here today is so you can stuff your face.
Frank: I enjoy life. So anyway, no offense, but the party's gonna blow.
Robert: Well, I think it's nice that the MacDougalls have offered to help me and Amy pay for the wedding at all.
Frank: You sayin' I shoulda chipped in?
Robert: No. Yeah, I...
Frank: I chipped in your last wedding, and Ray's wedding. And, by the way, the broad's family is supposed to pay, and it is to be a full bar free of charge, with top-shelf hooch. Read your Bible.
Robert: Must've missed that passage.
Quote from Robert
Robert: Would ya hurry? Ma's already yelling at Dad because he dripped egg and cheese sandwich on his tux. Just get in the van! This is the biggest day of my life.
Ray: That's what you said at your last wedding.
Robert: What's that a smart remark?
Robert: Huh? You're bringin' up my first marriage today, huh? You tryin' to jinx me, Raymond?
Ray: No, no.
Robert: Don't mess with me today, Raymond.
Ray: I'm just-
Robert: Do not mess with me today! This is my wedding day, and I'm in no mood for fun!
Ray: Then you're gonna love marriage.
Quote from Marie
Robert: Ma, this is the men's room.
Marie: Raymond told me you were in here. What are you doing?
Robert: Nothing, Ma. I just wanted a little alone time before the ceremony.
Marie: Oh, okay. I'll stay with ya. Can- Can we go somewhere else?
Robert: No, Ma, I want to stay in here. Remember last time I got married, I saw Joanne before the wedding? I think that put the whammy on the whole marriage.
Marie: Oh, honey. The problem there was you saw her after the wedding.
Quote from Amy
Debra: Amy, where's your mom?
Amy: Oh, she's runnin' around like a headless chicken... [imitates Pat] making sure all the relatives are comfortable and are seated properly. Oh, dear, tiny Aunt Florence. Can you see from there? Would you like a cushion or a phone book? [normally] Hi, Mom!
Amy: I'm sorry, Mother. You know I was just foolin' around.
Pat: Oh, I know, honey. That never bothers me. And you're so good at it.
Quote from Marie
Reverend Stevens: We are gathered here today in the sight of God to join together in marriage Robert Charles Barone and Amy Louise MacDougall. If there is anyone here who knows any reason why these two people should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. [Ray and Robert look at Peter] We will begin this morning-
Marie: Excuse me. I need to say something.
Quote from Ray
Reverend Stevens: Pardon me? What was that?
Marie: I'm sorry, but I feel the need to say something.
Ray: Did you bring your gun?
Quote from Frank
Frank: Hey, can I have a beer?
Waiter: Sure. That's $3, sir.
Frank: Jeezaloo! Hey look, tell you what. I think I left my wallet home when I changed into the monkey suit. Could you let one slide?
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. I'm not allowed.
Frank: Oh, come on. Listen, pal, I don't care what the rules are at this stinkin' hump of a wedding. I am the father of the gigantic groom and I want beer now. Beer now, beer now!
Quote from Peter
Ray: Peter! [Peter lifts his feet off the ground in the bathroom stall] Come on, Peter, I know you're in there.
Peter: [o.s.] I'm very busy.
Robert: What's goin' on?
Ray: He was supposed to pick up the reverend guy, and nobody can find him.
Robert: Peter, come out there right now!
Ray: Let's go!
Robert: I can see you! [Peter emerges from the stall]
Ray: What did you do to him? [a man enters the bathroom]
Robert: Ah, Reverend Stevens.
Reverend Stevens: Somebody was supposed to pick me up. I had to hitchhike. Let's get this over with. [exits]
Peter: Well, gee, who did I pick up, then?
Quote from Debra
Debra: Here they are! Aren't they beau- Ray! I left you up here an hour ago. I showered, did my hair, got the kids up, got them dressed... Kids, go downstairs. Mommy's yelling and you can't even do yourself?!
Ray: What? I'm ready.
Debra: Everyone is waiting for you. Oh, look at this. Look, this goes on after the pants, Einstein. Here, here. Do you realize that it is a- It's a three-hour drive to Pennsylvania. Amy is waiting for me. Robert is a nervous wreck. I mean, come on...
Ray: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You might be a little too angry to do the zipper.
Debra: What have you been doing?
Ray: I got the speech, the frickin' toast thing I gotta do.
Debra: Would you stop obsessing about the toast? Just say something funny and heartfelt. Nobody cares.
Quote from Frank
Frank: You got some nerve complaining I haven't given enough. Need I remind you of 40 years of room and enormous amounts of board?
Robert: Dad. Dad, I'm sorry, okay? I'm just a little, you know... I want it to go well today, so I apologize. I appreciate everything, and you're a sensational father.
Frank: Well, you know, I apologize too. I guess everyone's kind of on edge today, but you'll be okay. You're used to this type of thing bein' a cop, seein' murders and whatnot.
Robert: Thanks. I feel better.
Frank: Good. Let's hope you picked a winner this time.