Frank: Can I watch TV now?
Marie: No, Frank.
Frank: Then what the hell are we gonna do all night?
Hank: Less cursing, I hope.
Frank: Who cursed?
Hank: You referred to the antipode of heaven.
Frank: What the hell kind of moon-man talk is that?

Debra: Uh, Ray, why don't you help us set the table?
Ray: Oh, uh, can't you guys do it? I'm a little tired.
Debra: Yeah. He was up all night with your mother.
Ray: We were just doing a puzzle.
Debra: Mm-hmm. And talking till 2:00 in the morning. And not just small talk. Very meaningful, hmm? Him and Pat.
Robert: You had a meaningful conversation with her?
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: Just not enough mothers in the world for you, are there, Raymond, huh?

Hank: That reminds me. We don't want to miss the morning's worship. Do you know of any good Presbyterian churches around here? I left my directory at home.
Marie: We were thinking that it would be easier if we all went to our church.
Hank: You mean your... Catholic church?
Frank: Yeah. Problem?
Hank: I don't know.
Pat: Oh, why not, Hank? It's interesting to observe other denominations.
Frank: Yeah. It'll be like a safari for you. Who knows? On the way, we might even spot a herd of Lutherans.

Pat: I brought one from home.
Hank: Ah, there you go.
Pat: I thought this would be nice for Easter. Oh, my.
Ray: "Sacred Death"?
Amy: Is that a heavy-metal band?
Pat: This must be one of Peter's. It was dark in the closet, and I just saw the word "sacred."
Robert: A heavy metal puzzle.
Pat: Look, it says, "500 pieces of head-banging fun."

Ray: Anyway, this section's all done. Shall we keep goin'?
Pat: Oh, I don't know. Well, why not?
Ray: Yeah, why not? So, what do you think of my dad?
Pat: I think we should finish the puzzle.

Pat: You know what it could be? Maybe she doesn't read your column so much anymore because she's feeling a little jealous.
Ray: Jealous?
Pat: Well, I wouldn't blame her. You have such an exciting life, Ray. You meet a lot of interesting people, and you go to so many exotic places.
Ray: You mean like Tampa?
Pat: You've been to Tampa?
Ray: Couple times, yeah.
Pat: Well, there you go. You know, sometimes I feel a little jealous of Hank's work.
Ray: He's a high-school principal, right?
Pat: Vice-principal. But you'd think he was the principal the way he always comes home with such interesting stories. And I just want to say, "My gosh, what I would give to be a fly on the wall of that teachers' lounge." Excuse my language.
Ray: That's okay. I like how you talk.

Marie: It is a wonderful day. The Lord has risen, and now my brunch.

Marie: Well, Raymond it appears that you will do everything in your power to avoid talking to me, your own mother, and, yet you seem to bare your soul to a total stranger.
Ray: Ma, there was no baring, okay? And I always talk to you. You know I love it.
Marie: All right, then. Why don't we go for a nice long walk right now?
Ray: Well, I can't right now.
Marie: Oh, you can't right now?! I'm sure you'd be happy to go for a walk with Pat!
Robert: I'll walk with you, Ma.
Marie: Robbie, please. I'm busy.

Hank: Pardon my curiosity, but what exactly were you and Mrs. MacDougall talking about all evening?
Ray: Nothing to get upset about.
Hank: I do not get upset. There are just certain subjects I feel should remain between a husband and a wife.
Debra: Yes, I agree, Hank.
Hank: And, so, I am somewhat eager to know, what did the woman say about me?
Ray: I don't know. She just- She talked about all the interesting things that happen in your teachers' lounge.
Hank: Good Lord! It was a Christmas party! I do not drink! I had no idea those little rumballs would trigger a slightly salty pirate impersonation.
Frank: Hot damn, Hank! I'm startin' to like you! Hey, someone get Captain Hook a boilermaker.

Pat: It's all right, Ray. We'll always have Sacred Death.