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‘The Bachelor Party’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Bachelor Party

723. The Bachelor Party

Aired May 12, 2003

Ray is in charge of throwing Robert's bachelor party.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Raymond, how could you?!
Ray: What?
Amy: We just got off the phone with Robert.
Marie: He told us about your so-called party. You completely let him down on his special night.
Ray: What? We had a good time.
Marie: Then why did he sound so depressed?
Ray: Because he's Robert.

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Quote from Amy

Amy: Actually, he's been talking about a bachelor party for months.
Ray: He has?
Amy: Yes. He was all excited, wondering what you had in store for him. I'm sorry, Ray. I don't want to make you feel bad about this. I just think that maybe you... really screwed up.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Raymond, you're gonna have to give him another party!
Ray: What?
Debra: Yes. And this time do it the way you're supposed to. Make it a big deal.
Marie: Debra's right.
Debra: Ray, he's your brother. Make it something he'll remember.
Ray: Are you giving me permission to get a stripper?
Women: No!

Quote from Marie

Debra: Ray, you're doing this.
Ray: I'm not having a shindiggy, accordionic sing-along at the lodge! I mean, do you hear yourselves? This is as lame as it gets!
Marie: No, Raymond. When a person breaks the heart of his only brother, that's as lame as it gets!

Quote from Robert

Ray: Listen, Robert, sorry. You know him, he's crazy. You know him. He's "Peter, Peter, Ritalin eater."
Robert: It's true what he said, Raymond, isn't it?
Ray: What?
Robert: That the girls made you throw me this party, and that the other one wasn't a decoy and that that was all you were gonna do.
Ray: No, man, no, no.
Robert: No, no, look, Raymond, it's okay. I know you. I know that sometimes you can be a little selfish and thoughtless... dishonest. Remember Halloween, 1967? You unwrapped a chocolate bar out of my bag and replaced it with a cat poo?
Ray: I'm sorry. I don't blame you for being mad at me.
Robert: No look, I'm not mad at you, Raymond. And you know why?
Ray: Because somewhere there's a cat poo waiting for me?
Robert: No. In spite of all of this, when you said that you were happy that I was happy, you meant that. And that was the best surprise.
Ray: Yeah, okay-
Robert: No, no. You- You meant that. And that means the most to me. Well, I gotta hug ya!

Quote from Marie

Debra: Uh-oh. So what did you guys do?
Robert: [to Amy] Enough talking. Maybe you should take me home.
Amy: Oh my.
Marie: I bet there were strippers. Were there strippers?
Ray: No! That's why we're here. [to Debra] Hi.
Debra: Oh, God. Every woman's dream.
Marie: I can imagine what's waiting for me at home. Good night. [runs out]

Quote from Gianni

Gianni: I gotta tell ya, Ray, this is the worst bachelor party I've ever been to.
Robert: I'm enjoying it.
Ray: Yeah, come on it's is his last chance for fun before he moves out and becomes Mr. Amy MacDougall. Besides, what are you complaining about? You've won every hand.
Gianni: It's three people. I'm up 35 cents.

Quote from Robert

Robert: [knock at the door] All right, what'd you guys do? Who's this gonna be? [opens door] Hector?
Hector: I need to show a guy the apartment.
Robert: Yeah, but, Hector, I'm right in the middle of my bachelor party.
Hector: We'll just be one second. This is the living room and here is the kitchen. The bedroom's back there. Don't worry, I have a chemical that will completely take care of the smell.
Man: I'm kinda looking for something a little bigger.
Hector: Bigger? No no no! He's lived here for four years, and he's muy grande!

Quote from Gianni

Gianni: That's my beeper.
Ray: So?
Gianni: This is that waitress I met. She said she'd page me if we could hook up after work.
Ray: So call her and tell her you'll see her later.
Gianni: Ray, this girl's into me right now. Time is my enemy.

Quote from Gianni

Gianni: Hey, I'm sorry, man. You understand, right?
Robert: Aw, yeah, of course. I'm gettin' married, but I'm still a guy, right?
Gianni: Thanks, Robert. Hey, congratulations on your wedding. Amy's a great girl. I wish you all the best. Let's go, Ray.
Ray: What? I'm not goin'.
Gianni: My car's at your house, you idiot. You gotta drive me back.

Quote from Robert

Hector: All finished.
Robert: Thanks, Hector.
Hector: Robert. Let me ask you, just man to man, what is that smell?

Quote from Ray

Debra: Hey, what are you doing home?
Ray: Nothing. We had the party, and it's done.
Debra: The bachelor party's over already?
Ray: Yep.
Debra: Ray, it's 8:30.
Ray: Honey, uh, I want some of this Jell-o, but I don't want to get a spoon. Is that going to upset you?

Quote from Amy

Amy: He told me he spent the last half hour gambling with his super.
Ray: Oh well, see? The party kept going even after I left.
Amy: He lost his security deposit.

Quote from Ray

Marie: How is that a party?
Ray: Look, this is what Robert wanted. When we talked about it, he said, "Don't make a big deal."
Debra: Well, of course he said that. When someone says, "Don't make a big deal," it always means make a big deal!
Ray: No, no. Robert doesn't do that womanish double-talk.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What then? What are we talkin' about?
Debra: Just make a fun party. A big shindig.
Ray: "Shindig"?
Amy: Oh, could he invite my father and my brother?
Debra: Of course he can!
Ray: Well, wait a minute. They hardly know Robert. Or like him.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Actually, this party could be the first step in bringing everybody together and ending the tension. Oh, now I am getting excited!
Marie: Oh, me too!
Debra: Ask Frank if he can have it at the lodge.
Amy: He can make it a surprise party!
Marie: Ooh, yes! And when Robert comes in, everybody should sing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"!
Debra: Oh!
Marie: And I'll ask Cousin Gerard to bring his accordion.
Debra: I love that!
Amy: Oh, that sounds wonderful!
Debra: Ray, make sure when you call the guys to tell 'em it's a surprise party.
Ray: Oh, they'll be surprised.

Quote from Ray

Debra: This is a good thing you're doing. You know, whether someone says so or not, everybody likes to be treated special.
Ray: Listen, if you want to treat me special right now...
Debra: I'm a little tired.
Ray: I've got Jell-o.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, Garvin.
Garvin: Hey, Ray's here! [cheers]
Ray: What are you doing? You're supposed to be outside watching for Robert, come on!
Garvin: Oh, yeah! I'd better get out there! Look out!

Quote from Frank

Gianni: Ray, you know, they got no alcohol here.
Ray: What do you mean? There's a bar right here.
Frank: You're supposed to bring your own liquor, dopey. We don't keep liquor here at the lodge.
Ray: You guys swim naked together. You- You're telling me there's no alcohol involved?
Frank: No. We lost our liquor license after Vinnie tried to shoot an owl with a flare gun.

Quote from Frank

Hank: Hello, Raymond.
Ray: Oh, hey. Hi, Hank.
Frank: Well, if it isn't Hickory and Dickory.
Hank: Hello, Frank.
Frank: Hello, Hickory!
Ray: Dad. come on.

Quote from Peter

Ray: Guys, I'm really glad you could come.
Hank: Well, Amy had a long talk with me, and she's asked me to make an effort with your family.
Peter: And I'm going to make an effort because I'm a Christian.

Quote from Ray

Stan: Hey, Ray, you wanna liven things up? I'll put in a call to Carol. She's a real favorite at these kind of events.
Hank: Oh my.
Ray: No, that's okay. Look, Stan, no strippers.
Hank: Good for you, Raymond.
Frank: No strippers?!
Crowd: No strippers? Come on!
Man: I had my boss pay me in singles!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Whoa! Wait, wait! You guys can't leave, man.
Bernie: No drinking? No strippers? I'm a married man! You can't do this to me!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell is this?
Max: It's the banner you ordered. It's supposed to say "Congratulations, Robert."
Albert: I think on the phone you said "Woody."
Ray: No! No! Robert! "Congratulations, Robert." I can't use this!
Max: Well, we've got some balloons, but we can't blow 'em up.
Ray: Look. Just get something, we'll cover up the "Woody" part. Just get something, and we'll cover it up.
Robert: Hey, Ray. What's goin' on? Who's Woody?
Ray: You are.
Robert: What? [Gerard plays "He's a Jolly Good Fellow" on the accordion as Ray sings] Whoo-hoo! They were supposed to sing-along, but I forgot to tell 'em.
Robert: Wow! So all of these people are here for me?
Ray: Yeah. It's your, uh, surprise bachelor party. Surprise!

Quote from Ray

Robert: Wow! I had no idea! Thank you. You know, when Ma told me to come down here with a change of pants for Dad, I was prepared for the worst!
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: But you already had a party for me at my apartment.
Ray: Yeah, but that was lame. Or- Or the decoy. Or something. That was pretty good, right?
Garvin: He's coming!
Ray: Yeah, uh he's actually right here, Garvin.
Garvin: Oh. I saw him get out of the car... then I must've dozed off.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Wow, Raymond. So you did all of this for me? Yeah. The place looks great.
Ray: You like this?
Robert: Who wouldn't?
Ray: Well, that's great. I'm glad you're happy.
Robert: What are you saying, Raymond? You're glad that I'm happy?
Ray: Yeah. Actually, yeah.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Hey, hey, hey! Look who's here.
Hank: Hello, Robert. Congratulations.
Peter: Yeah, dude!
Robert: How are you? I gotta tell ya that you two came really means a lot to me.
Ray: Yeah, it's good. It's nice.

Quote from Hank

Ray: Hank, want some soda?
Hank: Actually, I never drink carbonated beverages.

Quote from Peter

Peter: So how ya doin'?
Robert: I'm doin' great. This is nice. It's nice to have all these friends here.
Peter: Yeah. So, uh, Amy told me that Ray threw you another one of these parties last week. Like, uh, a really bad one, huh?
Robert: Yeah, yeah. The decoy.
Peter: Oh. Oh, that was a decoy. Jeez, you know, now I'm confused because, um, I had heard that because of that one, Amy, Debra, and your mom forced Ray into throwing this one. Yeah. No, I mean, Amy begged us to come, but, um... Hey, it turned out great, right? Look, everyone's having a blast. Jeez, your brother must really love you there... Woody.

Quote from Peter

Peter: Ray! Hey, happenin' party.
Ray: What the hell is wrong with you?
Peter: What?
Ray: Why would you say that to him?
Peter: I don't know what you're talking about. Dad? I think I'm getting one of my dizzy spells.
Do you think we could leave now?
Hank: But we just got here.
Peter: You know, Ray, I'd love to stay here and talk with you, but I am really getting lightheaded here. Is someone wearing a citrus-based cologne? Come on, Dad-
Ray: No, I want to talk to you.
Peter: Hey! Hey! Don't go all mafia on me here, okay?

Quote from Hank

Hank: Maybe we should go home, son. You can lie down in the van. Raymond, thanks so much for inviting us. I enjoyed the fact that you didn't have stripping women.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Why didn't you punch that guy in the nose?
Ray: All right, Dad, not now, okay?
Frank: I was ready to deck that Hank.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hello, ladies.
Amy: Did you boys have a good time?
Ray: Yes, we did.
Robert: So good that we had to take a cab home.
Ray: You gonna tell them everything? Hi, Mommy!
Marie: Oh, I love to see you boys like this.
Debra: Loaded?
Marie: No, happy! Look at them.
Amy: So the party was a big success, huh?
Ray: The party stunk. But never underestimate the importance of the after party.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Shall we?
Amy: I've never seen you like this. You're not gonna throw up, are you?
Robert: I already did!

Quote from Ray

Debra: What are you looking at?
Ray: Nothin'. But I know I'm goin' upstairs with one of you two.


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