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Everybody Loves Raymond: Golf

205. Golf

Aired October 20, 1997

Ray feels guilty after tricking Debra into letting him play golf.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Listen, I know this has been hard on you, honey. And you're doing everything you can for Raymond. But maybe the way you can help him relax is very simple.
Debra: What do you mean?
Marie: Well, I couldn't help wondering, dear, are you making yourself available to him? You know what I'm talking about?
Debra: Please, Marie!
Marie: Listen, you know Raymond doesn't like to ask for things.
Debra: Do we have to talk about this?
Marie: I'm just trying to help.
Debra: You know, I didn't say anything when you told me how Ray liked his underwear folded, but this is over the line.
Marie: Well, I'm sorry, but Raymond needs your help. Debra, you... Have a glass of wine first!

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Quote from Ray

Doctor Sundram: Ray, your mind is like, for lack of a better word, a donkey. You can only throw so many bags on its back before it lies down and won't get up.
Ray: Right.
Doctor Sundram: Right. So you've got to relieve some of that stress. Do things that relax you. What do you enjoy doing?
Ray: Well, I like to golf.
Doctor Sundram: Well, then, by all means, get out there and play as much golf as you can.
Ray: Well, wait a minute. Wait. That's where this episode happened.
Doctor Sundram: Oh, that could have happened anywhere. You've been on the road a lot. You got a wife, three kids, parents across the street. This was a long time coming. Play some golf.
Ray: So I have to go home, and tell my wife that I need to play more golf?
Doctor Sundram: Doctor's orders.
Ray: Okay. Let me ask you, would I see a podiatrist or a proctologist to get a foot removed from my ass? [chuckles]

Quote from Frank

Frank: What the hell? Who's throwing chicken bones in here? Holy crap.
Ally: Oh, time-out for Grandpa.
Debra: Frank, do you have to curse?
Frank: Do you want it fixed? Bastard chicken bones. I need my frigging needle-nose. [to Ray] Bones in the garbage!

Quote from Ray

Ray: No, I can't tell Debra I want to go golfing now. I just got back from five days on the road.
Kevin: Just see what she says, Ray.
Ray: No. I'll get in trouble just for asking. I'm not even going to try. You know what we could do? If you ask me in front of her, as if you're asking me for the first time, right? And then I'll turn you down. She'll think that I'm "being thoughtful," you know? And then we just hope Santa takes the cookies.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Well, yeah, I mean, if you guys can save $100, then yeah, go. But then maybe you could lay off the golf for a while after that, okay?
Ray: Okay.
Debra: And I mean you know, playing golf, golf on TV, computer golf. Dorf on Golf.

Quote from Ray

Doctor Sundram: Hey, Ray. Have a seat.
Ray: Oh, boy, what's that supposed to mean?
Doctor Sundram: It means you're welcome to sit. Let's see. Your EKG's fine, blood pressure is fine. Did I see your brother Robert in the waiting room?
Ray: Yeah. How are his feet doing?
Doctor Sundram: Have they cleared up yet?
Ray: It's been a while since I've seen his feet, really.
Doctor Sundram: I'll tell you, that was an uphill battle.
Doctor Sundram: Anyway, Ray, from what I see here, you're in good health. I think it was nothing more than a little anxiety.
Ray: Oh, man, is that it? What did I have, an anxiety attack?
Doctor Sundram: I prefer to call it an episode. Robert's feet was an attack.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Could you go? Could you guys go, really?
Frank: All right, I'm hungry anyway. Come on, Marie.
Marie: No, feed yourself. My son needs me.
Frank: Ah, cut the cord.

Quote from Robert

Debra: Robert, are you staying with us for dinner?
Robert: No. Amy's taking me out. Someplace called Jozu.
Debra: Oh, that Japanese place.
Robert: Japanese? They make you take your shoes off?
Debra: Yes.
Robert: I've got to make a call.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Golf again? I could walk through here naked, you wouldn't even notice.
Ray: You're not Tiger Woods. [to Kevin] Twenty-one years old. You know, he started when he was three.
Kevin: I should have been out there when I was three. What the hell was I thinking? Unbelievable. Oh, man.
Ray: It's amazing. What's that, three wins already this year?
Kevin: That's four.
Ray: Where's he going?
Kevin: Where he always goes, to hug his father, you idiot.
Ray: All right. Take it easy.
[Ray and Kevin get increasingly emotional as they watch Tiger Woods hug his father on TV]
Kevin: Check the car.
Ray: Yeah. Do you want a soda?
Kevin: Yeah.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, did you check Michael's diaper?
Ray: I think he's okay.
[Debra picks up Michael, takes a sniff and then carries him off]
Kevin: Man, I don't even think I could pass that test.

Quote from Ray

Ray: As soon as she comes down.
Kevin: You want me to make a noise?
Ray: What do you mean, make a noise? She's not geese. Just relax.

Quote from Ray

Kevin: Supposed to be nice tomorrow, Ray.
Ray: Oh, yeah? I heard.
Kevin: Hey, we should golfing.
Ray: Yeah, tomorrow? No, no, I just got back from the road. I want to be home. [stands up and walks over to Debra] Good to be home.
Kevin: We'll go to Westchester. They just resodded.
Ray: Did they? Did they resod that?
Kevin: New grass.
Ray: Oh, man, sounds great, but I can't. I can't go golfing.
Debra: No. I'm reading that.
Ray: Oh, sorry. So I can't, Kevin. Maybe some other time.
Kevin: Some other time, we might not get out for free.
Ray: Free?
Kevin: My buddy Mike, he works down at the pro shop. He can comp us. You know, save us $100.
Ray: It's not about the money. I've been gone for a week. No, I can't.
Debra: I think you should go, Ray.
Ray: No. Yeah? I just got back from the road. I want to... Yeah?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wait a minute. I'm not feeling right here.
Robert: What is it, Raymond?
Ray: I don't know. Something's going on here.
Robert: You have any tingling in your left arm or chest pains?
Ray: No.
Robert: Well, it's not a heart attack.
Kevin: All right. Let's get going then.
Ray: Back up a little, will you? Back up. Come on. Give me room.
Robert: How far do you want us to go?
Ray: I'm feeling crowded here.
Kevin: Ray, relax. You just got to relax.
Robert: Yeah, sit down.
Ray: Would you shut up for a second?
Robert: Get him some water.
Ray: Make it a ginger ale!
Kevin: I'm going to need $1.

Quote from Ray

Robert: How are you doing?
Ray: I'm fine. I'm sorry about that.
Kevin: You know what it could have been, Ray?
Ray: What?
Kevin: Tick bite. From a deer tick. A deer tick bite.
Ray: No. This wasn't a bite. This was something internal.
Robert: Maybe you have a fear of public speaking.
Ray: Maybe this whole thing is from guilt.
Kevin: Guilt? From what?
Ray: From that trick we pulled on Debra.
Kevin: That was not a trick on Debra. We put on a little play for her, that's all.
Ray: It was harmless, right?

Quote from Debra

Debra: So, it must have been a good game. You're two hours late.
Ray: Yeah, well, something strange happened.
Debra: Really, what?
Ray: After golfing we were in the locker room, and I got this weird feeling.
Debra: Oh, Ray, you are not gay.
Ray: No, I know. You told me. But this was something else.

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