Ray: Hey speaking of baseball, did I ever tell you the story about me and Little League? It's kind of funny. It's, uh I was a little older than you, and right before the game, I had just drank a lot of Kool-Aid. So I had to go to the bathroom, but I decided to hold it, 'cause when I was a kid I didn't like going to the bathroom. Now I like going to the bathroom. I like it a lot. So it's the third inning, and I'm playing second base, and I've gotta go real bad. And I'm scrunching my legs together. I'm banging my mitt against my thigh. I'm trying to keep up the chatter real loud. I thought if I screamed loud enough, it would distract me. You know, "Hey, batter, batter. Hey, batter batter, swing!" But... I couldn't hold it. I started to go.
Michael: You were on the field?
Ray: Right between first and second. It- It- It felt so bad... and yet so good. I still tried to keep up the chatter, but it was more like "Hey, batter, batter. [voice breaks] Hey, batter, batter, swing." So this this dark spot is getting bigger and bigger. But nobody seemed to notice, so I just thought soon as the inning's over... I'm just gonna run off the field, jump on my bike, and ride home. Just then I look up, and there's Dave Malloy on our bench. [slowly] "Hey! Look at Barone!" [normally] I look up, and all the kids are laughing at me. My own teammates, they were pounding the fence, they were laughing so hard. And there I was, at second base right in the middle of everything.
Michael: What did you do?
Ray: I did exactly what you're supposed to do. I cried. I bawled my eyes out. I should've cried earlier. Maybe it would have diverted some of the pee into tears.
Michael: Really?
Ray: No, the body doesn't work that way. Anyway, you know how in baseball you want a cool nickname? You know, like "Hammerin' Hank" or "The Big Hurt"? You know what the kids called me? "Pee Pee" Raymond. That's pretty clever, huh? "Pee Pee Raymond! Pee Pee Raymond!" That was me. Pee Pee Raymond. Yeah, that was a bad day. It was like I had a rain delay in my pants. So that's baseball. Oh, by the way, a couple of days later, Kevin Saganski is at the blackboard. He bends down to pick up some chalk, his pants split wide open. All of a sudden, I'm off the hook, you know? Pee Pee Raymond, it's old news now. The talk of the town? "Butt-Crack" Saganski.

Michael: The kids teased me.
Ray: What?
Michael: In my class, all the kids laughed at me.
Ray: The kids laughed at you? Why?
Michael: I went up to the teacher to ask her a question, and I accidentally said "Mommy."
Ray: You called the teacher "Mommy"? [Michael nods] Why? Was the teacher yelling? [Michael shakes his head]
Michael: Then I cried, and everybody called me "crybaby."
Ray: [sighs] I made you eat the fiber.

Marie: How come Michael doesn't want to go to school?
Ray: Nobody wants to go to school. He didn't do his homework.
Frank: Listen to me. You wanna know how to motivate a kid? You get him something he really loves, then take it away.
Debra: All right, Frank.
Frank: He likes trains, right? So you get him a nice, new, steam locomotive. Something that makes his face really light up. Then you get a hammer!
Debra: We're not gonna smash his trains.
Frank: Does he have a turtle?

Debra: I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Frank: Hey, Deb, I could show you a couple of techniques I used to get these two mutts out of bed.
Ray: We're not gonna put ice cubes down his pants, Dad.
Frank: I'm not saying you start with that. I'm saying you start with what I used to call The Dirty-Sock Alarm Clock.
Marie: Oh, Frank, that was disgusting.
Frank: You reach way down to the bottom of the hamper...
Debra: We're not doing that, Frank.
Frank: It's called Tough, Smelly Love.
Robert: Sometimes he'd use my own sock against me.

Marie: I'll tell you what the problem is, Debra.
Debra: I was hoping you would, Marie.
Marie: You let the kids play those computer, video-tronic games, and after that, school is just boring to them. It's just an old lady talking.
Frank: Where do you get those video-tronic games?
Marie: Why do I say anything?
Frank: Exactly.

Robert: Something wrong with Michael?
Debra: No.
Marie: He missed school two days in a row.
Robert: Two days? Is he sick?
Debra: No.
Robert: That's truancy. Not that I'd report it, but please, don't make me choose between Robert the Uncle and "Robert the Sworn Defender of the Law."
Ray: How about you just stay Robert the Stink-Footed Oaf?
Robert: Ha oh, that's funny.

Debra: Yeah, then you run off to work, and I'm stuck. I had a lot of things to do today, and I couldn't because I had to stay here with Michael.
Marie: There's always time to get your hair done, dear.
Debra: I wasn't going to do my hair.
Marie: Oh. We should talk about that too.

Ray: Michael! Put it down. Put it down. You know what you just did? Do you know who that was on the phone?
Michael: No.
Ray: It doesn't matter. George Steinbrenner! So none of this, okay? None of this Captain Sugar's Chocolate-Covered Sugar for you! You're hungry? All right, if you're hungry, here. Here's what you're gonna eat. Fiber 100, all right?! Yeah, that's right. No fun stuff, okay? No cartoons on the box for you, you're-- You're getting two grandmas on a bike, the kind of crap I have to eat every day. Yeah. Yeah. No maze to Chocolate Land. Yeah, you can read about colon health. So dig in! Here you go. Here's some delicious skim milk for you. Welcome to my world. All right, listen, here's how it's gonna go today:. No cartoons, no video games, no computer games, no fun, okay? First, you're gonna eat this wood. Then you're gonna get your homework, and you're gonna come downstairs to my office. It's study hall. That's right. You're gonna work right in front of me where I can keep an eye on you, you got that?
Michael: I don't have any homework.
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who do you think you're dealing with here, huh? I may seem stupid, but that's just to get your mother to not ask me to do stuff, okay? I know all the angles, pal. I know all the excuses. If my dog Shamski had eaten as much homework as I said, he would have pooped the "Encyclopedia Britannica." All right? So you just eat this, then you're getting your homework and you're coming downstairs.
Michael: I don't have any.
Ray: You're sticking' with that story, huh? All right. Well, you know what? You're just gonna come downstairs and you're gonna watch me work. You think school is boring and meaningless, wait till you see what I do for a living. Oh, Captain Sugar. He's coming with me. Hey look, a prize!

Ray: By the way, I know why he didn't go to school.
Debra: Why?
Ray: Some of the kids were teasing him 'cause he called one of the teachers "Mommy."
Debra: He called one of the teachers "Mommy"?
Ally: Why? Was the teacher yelling?

Debra: Michael, come on. I let you stay home yesterday, now get up! The bus is gonna be here any minute. You can't miss school again, Michael. [Ray walks into the room] Michael, get up! I am sick of this- [Ray turns around and leaves] Wait a minute! Come back here! Come back here right now.
Ray: Ow!
Debra: You've got to help me. Michael's not getting up.
Ray: All right, all right. Michael. [deep voice] Michael, this is your father speaking. Get up. All right, what are you gonna do? Easy. Easy! All right, all right. Come on, Michael. Get up, will you? Come on!
Michael: I'm sick!
[Ray lifts up the bed spread to reveal Michael is laying upside down with his feet on the pillow]
Debra: He's not sick.
Ray: Let's go, come on. You're not sick. Don't try to fool around. What's the matter with you?
Michael: It's my stomach.
Ray: Where does it hurt? Point. Show me where.
Michael: It's my head.