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‘The Car’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Car

115. The Car

Aired January 31, 1997

Ray agrees to buy Frankie and Marie's old car, but Debra is unhappy driving the Valiant - especially when she finds out it was the place Ray first got "lucky".

Quote from Frank

Debra: Hi.
Frank: Good. A witness.
Debra: A witness to what?
Frank: The inevitable triumph of technology over Marie. See, we're putting your money to good use. Look what I bought. A bread machine.
Marie: I can still make it faster and better myself.
Frank: [chuckles] We'll see. Hey, I'm kneading already. Look who's still mixing.
Marie: If I win, I'm getting rid of this stupid bread maker.
Frank: Same if I win.

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Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, thank God, you're home. Sing the A-B-C.
Debra: What?
Ray: Sing the alphabet song. A-B-C...
Debra: [sings] A-B-C-D-E-F-G...
Ray: Okay, now sing Twinkle, Twinkle.
Debra: Ray.
Ray: Will you just sing Twinkle, Twinkle?
Debra: [sings] Twinkle, twinkle, little star- Oh, my God.
Ray: Uh-huh.
Debra: It's the same song!
Ray: Thank you. We're going nuts here.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Here's another one. [sings] This old man, he played one He played knick-knack on my thumb
Debra: Yeah, so?
Ray: Okay, now, just slow it down and think of the kids' favorite doofy dinosaur.
Debra: Oh! [gasps]
Ray: I knew he was a big, purple hack.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hello, old friend.
Marie: What's that?
Ray: Well, I think I can tell you this now. Ma, this is what's known as fake lD.
Marie: Raymond, this isn't even you.
Ray: See, Ma, all week long, I was 17-year-old Ray Barone but on Saturday nights I was 43-year-old Ahmed Abdullah Khan.
Marie: Oh, I'm very disappointed in you.
Ray: I was a holy man.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Well, thank you very much, Ray, for that wonderful car. It broke down.
Ray: What did you do to it?
Debra: I tried to drive it, Ray. I'm coming out of the supermarket. It's pouring down rain. So I run us all to the car. I get the kids all strapped in. And the stupid thing wouldn't start.
Ray: Oh, you probably flooded it.
Debra: Oh, now it's my fault.
Ray: When you turned the key in the ignition, what did it sound like?
Debra: The rustling of divorce papers.

Quote from Marie

Frank: Your mother and I have reached a decision. It's the end of an era.
Ray: Well, at least it was amicable.
Frank: No. We're selling the old car.
Marie: [downbeat] Yeah, it's just the car.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Why didn't you tell me you were interested? You can buy the car.
Marie: We couldn't ask them to pay $800, Frank.
Frank: That's right. There's already another offer. The bidding starts at $800.
Marie: That's nonsense. Ray, if you want the car, you can have it.
Frank: Hey, I'm not going to give it away.

Quote from Debra

Debra: You know, I had to go get us towed to the garage.
Ray: So the kids got to ride on a tow truck, they must have loved that.
Debra: Yes, that was magical, Ray. Especially the part where Mommy had to pay $300 for a new fuel pump. I'm telling you, that car's a piece of junk. Your dad sold us a lemon.
Ray: Well, we got a deal. So what if we have to put a little money into it?
Debra: That's easy for you to say. Because you have to commute, you get the good car. And because I'm just the housewife, I get to drive the bucket of bolts. I want you to return it and get our money back.
Ray: No, I can't do that. Look, my father sold it to us for half of what he wanted. That's practically a gift.
Debra: The gift that keeps on taking.
Ray: I love that car. I'll take a look at it. I can fix it.
Debra: Yes, Ray. You're very mechanical. That's why I had to return your button-fly jeans.

Quote from Frank

Debra: You know, the car seems to have some problems.
Frank: Oh, the car doesn't have problems, sweetheart. It has character.
Debra: Well, you know, a part of its character is that it doesn't start.
Frank: What did you do? Flood it?
Debra: No.
Frank: Well, look, you got to treat it right. You have to fiddle with it. Like the heater, you got to slide the thing all the way to cool first and then really jam it back to heat. Trust me, I'm very good with machines. [to Marie] Still punching the dough, loser?
Marie: [pounding dough] Guess who I'm thinking about?
Debra: You know, Frank, it's not just the heater. The mechanic seems to think it's going to need some major repairs.
Frank: There's your problem, right there. You're talking to mechanics. [bread maker dings] I think I'm baking already. Ah, I love the smell of fresh bread in the morning. Smells like victory.

Quote from Robert

Robert: [enters] I smell bread. [awkward silence] Is this about me? It's about the will, isn't it?
Frank: Debra doesn't like the Valiant.
Robert: Well, you can't blame Debra. If I was married to someone who wanted to hold on to their old make-out mobile I'd feel the same way.
Debra: Make-out mobile?
Frank: That's right. He used to drive around with that girl, Lisa-somebody.
Robert: Lisa Constantine. That's when he first started calling the car Lucky.
Marie: I thought she was such a nice girl.
Robert: Oh, she was very nice to Raymond.
Debra: So, Robert, you're saying that Ray wants to hang on to this car because that's where he first got "lucky"?
Robert: Yeah. You didn't know?
Debra: No.
Robert: Perhaps I've said too much.

Quote from Ray

Debra: It's a great car, isn't it, Ray?
Ray: Oh, you just got to spend some time with her. Get to know her.
Debra: Uh-huh. And you know her pretty well, don't you?
Ray: Every inch of her. You know, I learned how to drive in this car.
Debra: What else did you learn, Ray?
Ray: Well, I learned that you got to be patient. You can't just jump in and expect her to turn over right away.
Debra: ls that right?
Ray: Yeah. And always remember to warm her up, otherwise she'll quit on you.
Debra: All right. You make me sick.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What did I do?
Debra: Stop. I know all about you and your past and Lisa Constantine. And, oh, you make me sick, Ray.
Ray: Is Lisa in town?
Debra: Robert told me.
Ray: Oh. Well, wait a minute. I told you about Lisa Constantine years ago.
Debra: Yeah, but you didn't tell me where. You didn't tell me she's the reason you wanted to keep this car and what's worse I'm the one who's stuck driving this piece of crap. Lucky! I'm taking it to the junkyard.
Ray: No, wait. You don't understand. This car isn't just about luck. It's a part of me. You know how it is in my house. This used to get me away from there. We'd go to Shea Stadium and Jones Beach. Sometimes we'd pile in the car and drive, just to drive. When my father was really mad at me, he'd take the car away. Oh, that was the worst thing that you could do to me. This car, it wasn't just a car, it was like freedom. I guess that's why I want to keep it.

Quote from Ray

Debra: It's just a little too used, you know. Why don't you drive it? It's your car, your memories. You drive it.
Ray: All right, I'll drive it. Fine.
Debra: Good.
Ray: I don't mind driving it.
Debra: Okay, good.
Ray: You're sure you're okay?
Debra: I'm fine. I'm fine. You go enjoy it.
Ray: All right. But you know, this sounds a lot like a setup for one of these: Click-click. Hmm? Click-click. Boom!

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, things are uneven now.
Debra: What?
Ray: You know about me and my first time. What about you? Where were you?
Debra: Honey, come on. We talked about this. You never wanted to hear about it. You said it would make you uncomfortable.
Ray: Come on, where were you? I can take it. I just watched someone go through this.
Debra: No, it's gonna bother you too much.
Ray: So what if it bothers me? What's the worst that could happen?
Debra: Look, for one, you're never gonna wanna go into a supermarket again.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Listen, you give us whatever you want.
Frank: What are you talking about? This is a fine automobile. It's in good shape. Okay, I'll tell you what. You're my son. And I like you. Give me $750.
Ray: I guess that sounds--
Debra: Incredibly overpriced. That car's over 20 years old. We'll give you $150 for it.
Frank: You don't have to insult me.
Ray: That is insulting.
Debra: All right, $200.
Frank: $200? Look, I'll tell you what. We will split the difference. Make it $700.

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