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‘Pants on Fire’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Pants on Fire

314. Pants on Fire

Aired January 18, 1999

Marie is upset with Ray on his birthday after learning that he threw a house party as a teenager.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Can we please put on the heat?
Frank: It's too expensive.
Marie: I'm freezing, Frank. What is it with you? We all have to get pneumonia so you can save 3 cents?
Frank: You know, most of the body's heat escapes through the head. So you might want to seal up any large openings.

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Quote from Marie

Frank: There was no party. We just smeared chocolate on your face and took the picture.
Marie: Frank!
Robert: What's he talking about, Ma?
Marie: Well, you see, dear, little babies really don't have any idea it's their birthday.
Frank: They're too dumb.
Marie: So we took a picture, so we'd have something to show you when you got older.
Robert: What about this picture of Raymond on his first birthday? Looks like he's having a party.
Marie: Well, of course, Raymond had a party.
Robert: What?!
Marie: Let me tell you what I learned about children, dear. See, with the first one, you might make a couple of mistakes. But if you're sensitive, you don't make the same ones with the second child.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Can I cut you a piece to go, Ray?
Ray: Yeah, just so you know, that's my cake, okay? She actually made it for my birthday.
Robert: Huh, for your birthday. Okay, let's see... "Happy Birthday, Robby." So what is that like a typo?
Ray: Come on, you know she's just trying to make me feel guilty for that high school party I had.
Robert: Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. You know, I sort of feel a little sorry for you, cubby, I really do.
Ray: Get outta here! Get outta here.
Robert: Look at you, huh? Your whole life, you've always been Mom's favorite, right? It's always been 75% you, 25% me.
Ray: What do you got? A pie chart?
Robert: No pie. Cake! And it appears the numbers have changed.

Quote from Marie

Robert: Hey, you're really on his case, huh, Ma? I've never seen you like this before. I mean, would you be this mad at me if it had been my party back in high school?
Marie: What?
Robert: Ma, I'm just saying you seem to be so mad--
Marie: Wait a minute. Are you saying it was your party?
Robert: What? What did I say?
Marie: Oh my God, it was your party.
Robert: It wasn't.
Marie: All right, Robert, please. No more. No more lies.
Robert: It's not a lie.
Marie: No, no, no, no! I see now! Raymond said it was his party to keep you from getting into trouble. And you let him!
Robert: No, no!
Marie: Oh, he lied to protect you. I knew my Raymond was a good boy! I knew I was a good mother. I need to talk to Raymond. [runs out; comes back for the cake and leaves again]

Quote from Marie

Marie: [enters] There he is. There's my boy! [hugs Ray]
Robert: You two like to be alone?
Marie: So Raymond, three more days before your birthday, huh? Getting excited?
Ray: Yeah, one year closer to looking like this. [points to Frank]
Marie: Well, just make sure I can find you at 8:46 to give you your birth-minute kiss.
Ray: You always find me, Ma.
Marie: But don't be in the shower this time. That was awkward.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Hey, Ma, how about this picture of me at my first birthday party?
Marie: Oh yes, dear, look, you're so adorable.
Robert: Yeah, big smile, face full of cake, so happy. [to Raymond] You weren't around yet.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh my God! What else did you lie to me about? Did you smoke?
Ray: What? At that party?
Marie: Oh my God. Did you smoke?
Ray: Smoke what?
Marie: Oh my God! Oh!
Ray: Come on, Ma, what?
Marie: This is how I raised you? Didn't I tell you not to smoke? How many times did I tell you not to smoke, or drink, or do anything? And how many times have you lied to me?
Ray: This was the one time.
Marie: It's another lie. You lied to your mother.
Ray: Everybody lied to their mother.
Marie: I don't care about everybody else. You're my son. I trusted you. And every day that you pretended to be a good boy you were lying to me.

Quote from Marie

Robert: Hey.
Marie: Robby! Oh, Robby! [hugs Robert]
Robert: What? What?
Marie: I'm just so happy to see you. Oh, you brought your laundry. Good, honey. Is this everything?
Robert: No, that's the socks and underwear.
Marie: Oh.
Robert: The rest is in the patrol car.
Marie: No, no, no, no. Come here, come here. Sit down, sit down. Are you hungry?
Robert: I'll have whatever Raymond's having.
Marie: He isn't having anything. And I made you your favorite: Steak and macaroni and cheese and ham Alfredo.
Robert: Lay it on me, Mamacita.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I'm cold too.
Frank: Oh you cupcake! Why don't you go back to your house?
Ray: There's kids there.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Marie: Snuggling for body warmth.
Frank: Putting on the heat! Don't get too comfortable there. What is that sound?
Robert: It's like rattling.
Frank: I know it's rattling, Columbo. Where's it coming from?
Marie: Where your heart should be.

Quote from Robert

Ray: All right, Ma, I was. What do you want me to say, Ma?
Marie: Nothing. I don't want you to say anything.
Ray: Ma.
Robert: I, for one, am shocked and disappointed.

Quote from Ray

[As Ray drinks out of the orange juice carton:]
Debra: Ew! Ray!
Ray: My birthday.
Debra: All right, okay. If you're sure that's the one special thing you want to do today.
Ray: [chokes] No, no, no. No, no, that's not it. By the way, that one special thing, we're doing it twice.

Quote from Ray

Frank: Happy Birthday, Ray. You wanted skis, right?
Ray: It's funny. Big skis, small box. Tell you what? I'll keep the gift and return the joke.

Quote from Marie

Ray: So, Ma, how are you?
Marie: I'm fine.
Ray: All right, come on, let's go. Let out any of that anger you've got built up in there.
Marie: I'm not angry. Hurt, confused, disillusioned maybe.
Frank: Stop overreacting, Marie. So he did a little rebelling when he was a kid.
Marie: What rebelling? I never gave him anything to rebel against.
Ray: [scoffs] Oh, yeah.
Marie: You had a nice childhood, do you hear me? Nice, nurturing and nice. I was a good mother.

Quote from Frank

Ray: She's nuts.
Frank: Yeah, and water's wet. You know, I never told you this, but I used to think of you as kind of a weak little mamma's boy.
Ray: You told me that.
Frank: Well, not anymore. Now, I see you're a troublemaker. I'm a troublemaker too. [chuckles]
Ray: Yeah?
Frank: Oh, yeah.
Ray: All right, I'm going in here now.
Frank: During the war, I found this freak show in Korea where the star attraction-
Ray: Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Frank: Swapping stories with you. Diz the whiz!

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