Marie: And now I'd like to inquire as to the whereabouts of my possessions my sofa and my piano.
Robert: They're in the basement.
Marie: Ah the basement. So, I'm not gone a month and my 100-year-old, priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement. And has been replaced by you... with this.
Robert: Do you even know what that is, Ma?
Marie: Yes, I do know what that is! I may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but I'm still able to know what things are! This is a sex machine.
Robert: Ma!

Amy: No, wait. You know, maybe we could save up for our own place quicker if we stay here for a while. And besides, we just spent a fortune on furniture, and we can't even return the couch or the Muscleflex because you just ruined them... sweetie.
Robert: My life! What has happened to my life? [looks to the heavens] Was this your plan? Huh? You sat up there and you put me through everything and then let me end up like this? Well, let me tell you something, mister: You are not funny.
Debra: He does screw with him a lot.

Debra: Now hold on. We are not gonna sit here and listen to you run down these good people. I don't think you've even considered that the problem just may be everyone else.
Katie: Well, l...
Debra: Frank and Marie Barone are fine, religious people. Oh, sure, they might be opinionated, but I find that refreshing. And Marie may have bruised some feelings, but it's important to remember that everything she does comes from love.
Scott: I understand that you're upset.
Debra: Please don't make us take them back!
Scott: I'm sorry.
Debra: Is it money? 'Cause we could pay more money.

Ray: Yeah, my mom said I need to sign some insurance form for her. And also ask about a rollaway bed for me.
Scott: Yes, Mr. Barone, I'm glad you came by. We need your parents to move out.
Ray: What?
Scott: I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there have been a number of issues, and they need to go.
Debra: Wait a minute. You're kicking them out?
Scott: Yes.
Debra: I don't understand. Frank and Marie seem incredibly happy here.
Scott: I assure you, they're the only ones. Your father's been tearing around on his golf cart endangering pedestrians.
Ray: Oh?
Scott: When our security guards warn your father, he turns his cart and aims for them. One time he shouted, uh "Hit the monkey, win a cookie!" If this were the only issue, we might be able to work through it. But your father's overall demeanor is sort of like a maniac. One night we caught him inside the walk-in fridge eating an entire bologna.

Katie: But as bad as your father is...
Ray: Oh, boy.
Katie: Your mother has brought the morale of our community to an all-time low.
Scott: Go ahead, Katie.
Katie: None of the other women want to be around her. You know, she has this way of appearing to give a compliment when actually she's insulting you. And she's critical of everything... clothing, hair, cooking.
Ray: I just-
Debra: I don't know where this is coming from. Marie must be making some friends. Isn't she in the cast of "The Unsinkable Molly Brown"?
Katie: That is now a one-woman show. And when I tried to talk to her about all this, she said that my rude tone might be the reason I don't have a husband.
Scott: So, we'd like you to take them with you.
Katie: We have people to help you pack.

Amy: So you're not living there anymore? Just like that? Isn't there some sort of appeals process?
Debra: I'm sorry.
Amy: Is it money? We can pay more money.
Debra: Amy, Amy I tried. There is no amount.

Marie: I liked that condo! I was the lead in a Broadway show!
Ray: All right, stop it! Enough! Everybody just calm down. I think I know what the problem is. Part of me always thinks, "Why can't Mom and Dad get along with Debra and me and Robert and Amy?" And I say to myself, "Maybe it's us." Maybe it's us, because they're the parents and we're supposed to respect them and and honor them, like they're Chinese or something. And we don't. We don't always. And maybe it's us. But today after 40 years, I think I've actually figured something out. It's not us. It's you. People from your own World War II world have spoken. And it's you! Had to be said.

Debra: Boy, I have never seen your parents this happy. Then again, I've never seen them happy.
Ray: Yeah. So how long we gotta stay?
Debra: Ray.
Ray: I'm just saying, you'll eat your sandwich, then we'll get a jump on the traffic on the way back.
Debra: All right, enough with the traffic. So you have to do a little driving. That problem is more than outweighed by the fact that I have been allowed to exit hell.

Robert: Does someone want to explain to me what is happening now?
Ray: Yeah, you might have a problem.
Robert: A problem? Um-hmm. I bought this house fair and square for $26,000, Raymond.
Ray: Okay, all right. But where are they gonna go? Where are they gonna go? How about your house?
Ray: I don't think so.
Robert: Oh, I do think so.
Debra: All right, all right. All right. Robert, you have every right to be upset. But I will get a stepladder and fight you to the death over this.

Marie: Stop! Stop! Stop! There's all this strange food in the refrigerator. But first, let's put everything back where it was, and then I'll go food shopping.
Robert: No, Ma, we're not putting anything back. You understand? The furniture is staying right here, and so is my Muscleflex. Okay? This is our house now! And if you'll excuse me, good night.
[After Robert sits down on the exercise machine and does one rep, his arms are jolted back and a bar swings up and hits him in the stomach]
Robert: Aaah! Oohh! [the bar swings up again] Oohhh! Oohhh!
Amy: Robert, may I say something?
Robert: No! No, see, I know you, okay? And you're gonna start talking, and then you're gonna be all nice and sweet and loving, and then we're screwed! [stands up] This is definitely not a sex machine.