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‘Not So Fast’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Not So Fast

902. Not So Fast

Aired September 27, 2004

As Robert and Amy settle into their new house, the manager at Frank and Marie's retirement community wants to speak to Ray.

Quote from Marie

Marie: And now I'd like to inquire as to the whereabouts of my possessions my sofa and my piano.
Robert: They're in the basement.
Marie: Ah the basement. So, I'm not gone a month and my 100-year-old, priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement. And has been replaced by you... with this.
Robert: Do you even know what that is, Ma?
Marie: Yes, I do know what that is! I may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but I'm still able to know what things are! This is a sex machine.
Robert: Ma!

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Quote from Debra

Debra: Now hold on. We are not gonna sit here and listen to you run down these good people. I don't think you've even considered that the problem just may be everyone else.
Katie: Well, l...
Debra: Frank and Marie Barone are fine, religious people. Oh, sure, they might be opinionated, but I find that refreshing. And Marie may have bruised some feelings, but it's important to remember that everything she does comes from love.
Scott: I understand that you're upset.
Debra: Please don't make us take them back!
Scott: I'm sorry.
Debra: Is it money? 'Cause we could pay more money.

Quote from Robert

Amy: No, wait. You know, maybe we could save up for our own place quicker if we stay here for a while. And besides, we just spent a fortune on furniture, and we can't even return the couch or the Muscleflex because you just ruined them... sweetie.
Robert: My life! What has happened to my life? [looks to the heavens] Was this your plan? Huh? You sat up there and you put me through everything and then let me end up like this? Well, let me tell you something, mister: You are not funny.
Debra: He does screw with him a lot.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Yeah, my mom said I need to sign some insurance form for her. And also ask about a rollaway bed for me.
Scott: Yes, Mr. Barone, I'm glad you came by. We need your parents to move out.
Ray: What?
Scott: I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there have been a number of issues, and they need to go.
Debra: Wait a minute. You're kicking them out?
Scott: Yes.
Debra: I don't understand. Frank and Marie seem incredibly happy here.
Scott: I assure you, they're the only ones. Your father's been tearing around on his golf cart endangering pedestrians.
Ray: Oh?
Scott: When our security guards warn your father, he turns his cart and aims for them. One time he shouted, uh "Hit the monkey, win a cookie!" If this were the only issue, we might be able to work through it. But your father's overall demeanor is sort of like a maniac. One night we caught him inside the walk-in fridge eating an entire bologna.

Quote from Ray

Katie: But as bad as your father is...
Ray: Oh, boy.
Katie: Your mother has brought the morale of our community to an all-time low.
Scott: Go ahead, Katie.
Katie: None of the other women want to be around her. You know, she has this way of appearing to give a compliment when actually she's insulting you. And she's critical of everything... clothing, hair, cooking.
Ray: I just-
Debra: I don't know where this is coming from. Marie must be making some friends. Isn't she in the cast of "The Unsinkable Molly Brown"?
Katie: That is now a one-woman show. And when I tried to talk to her about all this, she said that my rude tone might be the reason I don't have a husband.
Scott: So, we'd like you to take them with you.
Katie: We have people to help you pack.

Quote from Amy

Amy: So you're not living there anymore? Just like that? Isn't there some sort of appeals process?
Debra: I'm sorry.
Amy: Is it money? We can pay more money.
Debra: Amy, Amy I tried. There is no amount.

Quote from Ray

Marie: I liked that condo! I was the lead in a Broadway show!
Ray: All right, stop it! Enough! Everybody just calm down. I think I know what the problem is. Part of me always thinks, "Why can't Mom and Dad get along with Debra and me and Robert and Amy?" And I say to myself, "Maybe it's us." Maybe it's us, because they're the parents and we're supposed to respect them and and honor them, like they're Chinese or something. And we don't. We don't always. And maybe it's us. But today after 40 years, I think I've actually figured something out. It's not us. It's you. People from your own World War II world have spoken. And it's you! Had to be said.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Boy, I have never seen your parents this happy. Then again, I've never seen them happy.
Ray: Yeah. So how long we gotta stay?
Debra: Ray.
Ray: I'm just saying, you'll eat your sandwich, then we'll get a jump on the traffic on the way back.
Debra: All right, enough with the traffic. So you have to do a little driving. That problem is more than outweighed by the fact that I have been allowed to exit hell.

Quote from Debra

Robert: Does someone want to explain to me what is happening now?
Ray: Yeah, you might have a problem.
Robert: A problem? Um-hmm. I bought this house fair and square for $26,000, Raymond.
Ray: Okay, all right. But where are they gonna go? Where are they gonna go? How about your house?
Ray: I don't think so.
Robert: Oh, I do think so.
Debra: All right, all right. All right. Robert, you have every right to be upset. But I will get a stepladder and fight you to the death over this.

Quote from Robert

Marie: Stop! Stop! Stop! There's all this strange food in the refrigerator. But first, let's put everything back where it was, and then I'll go food shopping.
Robert: No, Ma, we're not putting anything back. You understand? The furniture is staying right here, and so is my Muscleflex. Okay? This is our house now! And if you'll excuse me, good night.
[After Robert sits down on the exercise machine and does one rep, his arms are jolted back and a bar swings up and hits him in the stomach]
Robert: Aaah! Oohh! [the bar swings up again] Oohhh! Oohhh!
Amy: Robert, may I say something?
Robert: No! No, see, I know you, okay? And you're gonna start talking, and then you're gonna be all nice and sweet and loving, and then we're screwed! [stands up] This is definitely not a sex machine

Quote from Frank

Debra: So, how are you, Frank?
Frank: Fat. The dining hall is open 24 hours, plus Marie is cooking up a storm. Some days I eat 10 times.
Debra: Well, I'm glad to see that condo living still agrees with you.
Frank: Yep, I'll tell you all about it after I visit the throne room. The seat in there is cushioned and heated. Ray, before you go home, you gotta give it a test drive.
Ray: Try and stop me.

Quote from Ray

Scott: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We have to think of the entire community. See, our philosophy here is "Let's all be happy till the end."
Katie: Some of our residents have threatened to stop taking their medication.
Debra: I understand, but isn't there something that we... Just something? Ray?
Ray: Can we live here?

Quote from Robert

Amy: Don't you love our new couch?
Robert: You know what? I really do. I'm starting to love everything now. I was gonna do my workout on the new Muscleflex after dinner but you know what?
Amy: What?
Robert: Drinking makes you happy with your body the way it is.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Where are my things?
Ray: Okay, all right, Ma, calm down.
Marie: No, you calm down. First your father gets us kicked out of my dream condominium, and now these two have ruined the house.
Robert: Kicked out?
Frank: Me? You're the one who sunk us, Molly Brown.
Marie: And you're the one who ate the whole bologna.

Quote from Robert

Marie: Stop. Stop. This has been a very upsetting day for me and for your father. And I don't know which is worse, honestly the heartlessness of a society that has such little regard for its aging population, or the rejection of one's own family.
Robert: All right. You know what, Ma? You win. You can take the house. We're gonna move back into Amy's apartment. Call your landlord.
Amy: Um, unfortunately, that's impossible. It was rent-controlled and it's gone already.
Robert: Gone.
Marie: Well, you're welcome to live here until you find a place.
Robert: Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. You see, that is never gonna happen, okay? So just get that out of your big, blonde head. No way!

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