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‘A Date for Peter’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: A Date for Peter

909. A Date for Peter

Aired January 3, 2005

Debra and Ray try to find Peter (Chris Elliott) a date.

Quote from Hank

Pat: We got to see Peter's apartment for the first time.
Debra: How's Peter doing?
Hank: He's doing great. [Pat sobs]
Amy: Mom, what's wrong?
Pat: I'm sorry. It's just that Peter's really not doing great.
Debra: What's the matter?
Hank: Mother's concerned because Peter is an unkempt layabout who constantly disappoints us, that's all.

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Quote from Peter

Debra: You are ruining this for Peter!
Peggy: Okay, that's it. I'm just gonna go.
Peter: No, Peggy, don't go yet.
Peggy: You know what? Listen, it was really nice to meet you, but I came here for a drink, not an arranged marriage. But you have all been lovely. Good night.
Peter: Peggy, wait. Don't go yet. Peggy, I'm not like these people. They're freaks.

Quote from Debra

Debra: What is wrong with you? You are ruining this for Peter.
Ray: I am not. You don't care about Peter. You just want her here so she can torture me, because "She's a strong lady who doesn't take any crap."
Debra: No, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? What is wrong with that? In fact, I would love it if Peggy and Peter got married, 'cause I could use another strong woman around here.
Ray: Oh, I get it now. This is not about me. You want another soldier in the fight against your enemy.
Marie: Who's that?

Quote from Robert

Robert: It's bad enough you ruined my life but you had to do the same to my brother-in-law? You are a selfish ass who walks among regular humans. But now it is time for everyone to see the truth, that you are... ass. Listen, don't tell Amy, but Stefania's here.

Quote from Hank

Pat: He lost the lease on his comic book store, and now he just sells everything out of that apartment, and he never leaves. It was almost lunchtime, and he was still in his Green Lantern pajamas.
Hank: We had hoped that getting his own place might mean that Peter would find a wife and start a family.
Amy: Poor Peter. I just wish he could be as happy as I am.
Robert: Well, maybe he just needs a little advice, you know, man to man.
Hank: That is a great idea. Ray, maybe you could go over and you know, talk to him.

Quote from Pat

Ray: Me? Well, about what..?
Hank: Perhaps you could encourage him to get out there and meet someone.
Pat: Yes, we all know how much he looks up to you. He's over there right now.
Ray: You know, I would, but it's Sunday, and I'm very busy with my... worship.
Pat: But Peter's running out of time. I'm afraid his manly charms are starting to fade. I'm sure the Lord wouldn't mind if you were to miss just one Mass if you were to save one of his lost lambs.

Quote from Peter

Ray: Well, uh so how's it going with the ladies? I mean, now that you got this awesome bachelor pad?
Peter: Well, I don't know. To be honest with you, Ray, when it comes to the ladies, I have rather high standards.
Ray: You do?
Peter: Yes, I do. You see, I'm a DC Comics man, and if the woman is into Marvel, well, then it's "See ya!" Oh, who am I kidding? Women hate me.

Quote from Peter

Peter: You know something, Ray? When I first moved here, I said, "Okay, I am tired of being Mr. Lonely Jeans." So I went down to that bar down the street, and there were women there, and I sat for, like, two hours, and I finally force myself to go up to somebody and say, "Hey, how are you doing?" And she said, "Um, fine." And then the woman turned to her friends and said, "But I'm not desperate." And I just, you know, stood there while they laughed. And then I just I walked home.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You wanna go to a cocktail party?
Peter: What?
Ray: Yeah, that's why I came by, to invite you to my fun cocktail party.
Peter: That's nice, Ray, but-
Ray: No no, listen, Peter. I know what you're going through. I understand. I could never get a girl either.
Peter: Oh, please. We both know that's crazy, you good-looking son of a bitch.
Ray: No, I'm telling you, you gotta just keep trying. When I saw Debra the first time, I was scared to talk to her.
But I forced myself, just like you did to the mean lady in the bar. Only in this case, I got to marry the mean lady.

Quote from Peter

Peter: So, um... Hi. You're a scienceficionado as well, huh?
Peggy: Yeah, well, more so in college. But I did just finish reading "Double Star" by Robert Heinlein. Do you know him?
Peter: I have a statue of him.
Peggy: Ah. Well, I certainly enjoyed the book. I'm Peggy.

Quote from Debra

Ray: What are you doing?
Debra: What?
Ray: You got a million single loser friends, and you gotta invite my sworn enemy?
Debra: Just because Peggy's a strong woman and doesn't take any crap. Get over it. And by the way, this is not about what's best for you. This is about what is best for Peter.
Ray: I know, and what's best for Peter is not to go out with a she-beast who once tried to beat me up.
Debra: Ray, I was there. She did beat you up.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I got it. Nobody move. It's going swimmingly. [opens door] Agh!
Stefania: Hello, Roberto.
Robert: [high-pitched] Stefania.
Debra: Stefania?
Robert: Well, what are you doing here?
Stefania: Is tonight not the party?
Robert: No. No, it is. It's just you're Stefania.
Amy: Don't be rude, Robert. I invited her.
Robert: But why her?
Amy: Well, why not her? She's nice and single.
Robert: But she's my Stefania. I mean... I mean, she's my ex-Stefania. No. No, I mean you're my Stefania now. Baby. I need a drink.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Peter, did you know that Peggy beat me up once?
Debra: Ray.
Peter: What?
Ray: Yeah, real bad.
Peggy: Will you please just get over that?
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you see that? You gotta watch the temper on that one, Peter.
Debra: No, you don't. Look, they got in an argument one time that was a little heated.
Frank: I think it's hilarious that you beat Ray up, 'cause you're a girl.
Peggy: Well, listen, it wasn't easy. I mean, Ray is quite a girl himself. [all laugh, particularly Robert]
Peter: Hey, she's funny.
Ray: No, no, no.
Peggy: Are you finished sticking your nose into our conversation, or does that thing just get stuck in every conversation?

Quote from Robert

Debra: Oh, Hank and Pat.
Hank: Hi, Debra. Hi, Ray.
Debra: I didn't know you guys were in town.
Hank: Yes, Amy and Robert are taking us sightseeing.
Robert: Yeah, gonna show 'em the Big Apple, and get away from Mom and Dad for five hours.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Okay, all right, I guess I can stop by on my way to church.
Pat: Thank you, Ray.
Ray: Okay.
Pat: And, Robert, we still need you to be our tour guide.
Hank: Off to the city. Tight grip on that purse, Mother. [Amy, Hank & Pat leave]
Robert: Maybe when you're done with Peter, you can heal a leper.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Well, you know what? Why don't you tell Peter to come Friday night?
Ray: No, we don't want him over here.
Debra: No, listen. I'll just invite a bunch of my single friends. We'll have a cocktail party and I'll match him up.
Ray: A cocktail party? No, no, no. I'm not putting on a tuxedo and walking around all night going, "Cheerio, guv'nor." No, forget it. Cocktail party. You want a cocktail party? Have a couple drinks, and when I'm done, I'll swing by and maybe you'll get lucky. [exits]
Debra: Maybe I'll meet somebody at the party.

Quote from Peter

Peter: Welcome to "Peter's Apartment of Comics".
Ray: Thanks. Thanks. How's business?
Peter: Not good. No, most of my customer base is still in Pennsylvania, and they can't get their moms to drive 'em here.

Quote from Ray

Peter: I'm so excited you're here. Come on in. This is terrific.
Ray: Well, yeah, I can't can't stay too long. Ally's got a thing, and the twins got this other thing.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Why couldn't you just hire a bartender? The girl over there wanted a Singapore Sling. I don't know what the hell that is. I'm not Asian.
Ray: Well, would you rather have Amy's job keeping Mom occupied over there, watching a three-hour opera video? Yeah, I didn't think so, all right? So just mix some drinks, or I'll demote you to coat rack.
Robert: I'll be making you a "saliva" Colada.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Um, Ray? Who are those women you invited?
Ray: That's, uh... It's Andy's sister and Robert's friend from the morgue, yeah. What?
Debra: They just don't seem very outgoing.
Ray: Well, I can't wait for the party animals from your book club to show up.

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