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Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Meatballs

215. Marie's Meatballs

Aired January 19, 1998

After Debra gets upset with Ray for chosing his mother's food over hers, Ray inadvertently talks Marie into teaching Debra how to cook her meatballs.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Do you still think she's trying to help me, hmm?
Ray: Listen, why would she go to all that trouble? Isn't it easier to leave out an ingredient?
Debra: For an amateur! My God! This even looks like basil! Look at the label. It fits perfectly on here. My God! You know, this is the work of an evil genius!
Ray: I don't get it.
Debra: You know what I don't get? I don't get that you couldn't see my side in this! You're so busy defending your saint of a mother that you make me out to be some kind of ungrateful nutcase! Well, who's the nutcase now, Ray? Who's the nutcase now?

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Quote from Marie

Ray: You know, Debra's right. She's right. I don't stick up for her enough. I always give you the benefit of the doubt 'cause I don't wanna upset you and you pull something like this. Do you know what you did? Do you know how crazy you drove Debra?
Marie: I didn't mean to make her crazy. I just wanted her to try to make the meatballs, fail, and give up. That way, everything would stay right.
Ray: Right? What makes that right? You have a problem, Ma!
Marie: Okay, I have a problem, but let me ask you something, Raymond. Would you come over here so much if I didn't make food for you?
Ray: Yeah! I'd come over for other things.
Marie: What other things?
Ray: These special moments.
Marie: Raymond, I'm your mother. I used to do everything for you. And then, like, I blinked, and you grew up. What do I do for you anymore? I mean, what's left? My food!

Quote from Ray

Debra: Oh, you don't think it's possible that she deliberately sabotaged my meatballs, huh?
Ray: Do you hear yourself? Are you listening to yourself?
Debra: Ray, this is the same woman who walked into my Thanksgiving dinner with her own turkey.
Ray: That's 'cause you made fish.
Debra: You told me you liked the fish!
Ray: All right, look, okay, listen to me. I know, I know cooking is the one thing that you're sensitive about, okay?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Yeah. But this is crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy stuff here, okay? There's no conspiracy. No, no, no, listen. The meatballs are not exactly like my mother's. And I'm saying to you: We have a house. We have a car. Our student loans are paid off. You should be able to sleep! Good night!

Quote from Robert

Debra: Robert, could you do me a favor? Could you just show me where your mom keeps the recipes? Because I just wanted to see if I jotted it down correctly.
Robert: You want me to give you my mom's recipe?
Debra: Please, Robert? I mean, I can't explain it. I just feel like second best.
Robert: Second best? I can explain it to you.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Well, here's your official Marie Barone spaghetti and meatballs kit. Marie Barone included. Good luck.

Quote from Marie

Debra: You know, Marie, you don't have to go to all this trouble.
Marie: Yes, but Ray tells me that this is something you really want to learn.
Debra: Yeah, I'm sure he told you that. I'm sure he would love for me to cook like you. I'm sure he would love for me to be you.
Marie: [chuckles] Oh, well, let's start with the meatballs and see how far we get.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Raymond, what happened? Why did you call? ls everybody okay?
Ray: Yeah.
Marie: You hungry?
Marie: No. Then what's wrong?
Ray: This, Ma. What is this?
Marie: This is a jar of tarragon. Why?
Ray: Just stop, all right? 'Cause we know. We know all about it. This is very bad, Mom.
Marie: How did you find out?
Ray: Your fake label came off.
Marie: Damn glue stick.

Quote from Marie

Marie: So you see, dear. This is a list of who gets what when l, you know... And here's you. You were gonna get all the recipes anyway. I just wanted to wait till I was gone before I was replaced. Can you understand?
Debra: I understand.
Marie: So here they all are.
Debra: Oh, boy.
Marie: Can you forgive me?
Debra: Will I be able to make meatballs as good as yours?
Marie: Yes.
Debra: Okay, I forgive you.
Marie: All right. Use them in good health.
Debra: All right.
Ray: That's nice. Isn't that nice?
Debra: Hey, where's the Steak Pizzaiola?
[Marie runs out of the house]

Quote from Marie

Marie: To make the perfect meatball, the most important ingredient is the love. Without the love, it's just a ball of meat.
Debra: [writes] Ball of meat.
Marie: [picks up bottle of wine] This is the most essential thing. Without this, you can't do anything.
Debra: Okay. How much do I put in?
Marie: Well, it depends on how much is left, dear.
Debra: All right, Marie. [grabs two wine glasses]

Quote from Debra

Debra: Maybe I sauteed the garlic too long. Was that the weird taste?
Ray: Come on, look, we went over this 10 times, and remember what we decided? I don't care.
Debra: Come on, how bad were they?
Ray: They're not bad. They're different from my mother's. That's all. You know what? They might even be better.
Debra: Oh, better? You spit them out!
Ray: All right. Okay. Look, maybe you got the recipe wrong, okay? That's all.
Debra: How could I get the recipe wrong? She was right there with me.
Ray: Well, maybe my mother forgot to tell you something you were supposed to put in it.
Debra: Yeah. Yeah, maybe she forgot. Or, maybe...

Quote from Marie

Marie: Hi. Raymond, I saw the car. Are you hungry?
Debra: Oh, Marie, I already made him some lemon chicken.
Marie: Yeah, but you know how he loves my spaghetti and meatballs.
Debra: Ray, go ahead. If you want spaghetti and meatballs, go ahead.
Ray: No, the lemon chicken. I'm eating the lemon chicken.
Debra: Look, you could just eat whatever you want, 'cause I can wrap this up for later.
Ray: What, nobody cares, right? Give me the meatballs.
Marie: There.
Ray: Great, great, great.
Marie: Well, Debra, sit down, there's plenty. Here, let me get rid of that for you.

Quote from Debra

Debra: God, why didn't you just come out and say it? You hate my cooking.
Ray: No, I don't. Come on, you're very... Hey, since when do you care so much about cooking?
Debra: I don't. I don't. My mother cares about cooking. I don't care about it.
Ray: Okay, all right. Then why are we talking about it?
Debra: Because I care about it, okay? I don't want to care about it. It's just... Ugh, it's the one thing that I'm sensitive about.
Ray: The one thing?
Debra: All right, the big thing. Look, all I'm saying is that given everything that I do around here, why do I care so much that I can't make spaghetti and meatballs for my husband as good as his mother?
Ray: Because you're a good wife.
Debra: Don't you ever, ever call me that again.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Frank, what are you doing putting back an empty thing?
Frank: That's not empty. There's some left there.
Marie: Two drops? Who's going to drink two drops of juice?
Frank: I am.
Marie: All right. Let me pour you a nice glass of juice. Say when.
Frank: Right there's perfect! [drinks] Ah, that was good. I think I'll save the rest for later.

Quote from Ray

Ray: How's it going on Mt. Everest? Anybody die yet?
Debra: Just go watch your sports, okay?
Ray: Why, what did I do? What?
Debra: You... You picked your mom's spaghetti and meatballs over my lemon chicken.
Ray: Wait a minute. You said, "Have whatever you want."
Debra: I know. It's just... I don't know. Oh, forget it. It's stupid. Just forget it, okay? [Ray turns the TV on] What the hell is wrong with my lemon chicken? [Ray turns the TV off]

Quote from Marie

Ray: Let me ask you something. How do you make those meatballs?
Marie: What do you mean?
Ray: I mean, you know, I know there's meat and there's balling... But what do you put in it? ls there like a recipe or something?
Marie: I stopped using a recipe years ago. I cook from here. [points to heart]
Frank: And you nag from here. [points to mouth] Hey, how about a sandwich for me?
Marie: [rips off a scrap of bread] Here. You can wash it down with that.

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