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‘Tissues’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Tissues

613. Tissues

Aired January 7, 2002

After Ray asks to have more input around the house, he goes grocery shopping and gets a great deal on tissues.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Last week, I sent you for a simple garden hose. You came home with that tiny thing. It's totally useless.
Ray: What? That's a good hose.
Debra: It's two feet long. The water doesn't even reach the plants!
Ray: So you squirt it over there. Use your thumb, that's what people do.
Debra: Just so you know, that hose is goin' back.
Ray: Oh, that's it right there.
Debra: What?
Ray: That is how you get your way. "Just so you know." Yeah, yeah. "Just so you know, Ray, we're getting the flower drapes." "Just so you know, Ray, I ordered the boring couch without the footrests." "And, Ray, we're going to move in across the street from your parents, just so you know." Yeah, that's right. I remember saying, "No, no. In the name of all that is holy, no!" But look where we are. Nice work! Sorry I'm coming on a little strong, but the truth has set me free.

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Quote from Debra

Debra: You gave up the right to make decisions when you stopped taking responsibility. You don't help me at all. You can't even wash a dish.
Ray: Maybe I'd wash a dish if I didn't have to look at those repulsive curtains.
Debra: Fine, fine. You be that way. But until you start helpin' out, I'm makin' all the decisions.
Ray: But-
Debra: Good night.
Ray: But you you can't do that. We're married. It's a two-way street.
Debra: No, it's not.
Ray: What do you mean, "No, it's not"? Marriage is a two-way street. You can't just make it a one-way street. Think of all the accidents you're causin'. "Not making any decisions..." I'll make all the decisions I want. Maybe I'm deciding to sleep down here tonight.
Debra: I already made that decision. Just so you know.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wait! How 'bout we go to Marco's, huh? Just the two of us. Ma, can you take the kids to your house for dinner?
Marie: Sure. They could use a home-cooked meal.
Debra: It's okay, Marie.
Ray: No no, come on. It'll be fun, huh? Just you and me. Like when we were dating, except now I know not to expect sex after.
Marie: I don't like that, Raymond.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I'm not scared. What happened tonight caused me to have a revelation.
Debra: Which was what?
Ray: That I'm always the one who has to back down around here. I constantly have to shut my mouth to keep the peace.
Debra: Excuse me? [Ray makes the peace sign] This is unbelievable. You're going to act like a big baby because you didn't get your way tonight?
Ray: Try every night, okay? I'm talking about 12 years of marriage now! You have to get your way at everything, all the time.
Debra: That is not true!
Ray: Oh, it's not true? How about the dog that I've always wanted? And wait a minute! If you don't always get what you want, then I guess we have one. Hey, Floppy! Here, boy! Floppy? That's right, Floppy. You can't even let me name my imaginary dog.
Debra: So because we don't have a dog, you never get your way?

Quote from Marie

Marie: I just think that your bathroom needs as much help as it can get!
Ray: Look, no, this is not about Debra and her lousy housekeeping. It's about me finally getting some say.
Marie: Raymond, why are you being so stubborn?
Ray: Well, let's not forget, when I was growing up, you never let me make any decisions either. I was 15 you were still picking out my clothes.
Marie: There was nothing wrong with my putting together special outfits.
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, Ma, let me tell you something. When kids at school find out you're wearing an "outfit", all they want to do is hit you in it.
Marie: Well, you just give me the names of those kids-
Ray: I am all grown-up now, Ma! All grown-up!
Marie: And look how you dress.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Raymond, if I may. Did you ever stop to wonder why these tissues were on sale? The bad color, the disgusting texture, the fact that they're only 100-count when a typical box of tissues holds 160? Hmm? You got ripped off, my brother. Nobody wanted these things. Nobody but poor ol' Mr. Bumblepuss. That's you.

Quote from Frank

Ray: All right, everybody out!
Marie: Raymond, I don't understand why you're acting like this.
Frank: Yeah, we didn't buy the stupid tissues.
Ray: Because this is ridiculous! I get one thing I want, and everybody's got to jump all over me!
Robert: Get something better next time.
Ray: Get out!
Frank: I'll tell you one thing. I've blown my nose for the last time in this house!
Ray: Oh. Oh, boy, there goes our Saturday night.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh my God. You have ants here, too, Debra.
Debra: I know, Marie. Your son keeps leaving food out. Ray! Can you come here?
Marie: They seem to like your meatloaf, dear.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What? What's up?
Debra: More ants. Just so you know, I'm calling the exterminator.
Ray: Oh, no. I hate that guy and his chemicals. The counter tasted funny after he left last time.
Debra: What are you doin' lickin' the counter?
Ray: I saw somethin' that looked like jelly.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Listen, why don't you round up the kids, huh? I don't feel like getting any more food out, so we'll take them to Marco's for dinner.
Ray: Come on, don't make this into a whole thing.
Debra: The kitchen is covered in ants.
Ray: But you know the kids and restaurants. Come on. Look, it's late, they're tired. They're gonna be fighting. Food's gonna be everywhere. I say we eat in front of the TV, like a regular family.
Debra: So we can never take the kids to a restaurant?
Ray: We can go when they can drive us.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Bye, Marie. Don't bother to clean up. I'll get to it later.
Marie: [to herself] She'll get to it later. Even the ants are laughing.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Listen, uh, I'm sorry about last night. You know, you brought something up, and I shouldn't have dismissed you like that. I mean, you're right. Sometimes I do just disregard your opinion. Sometimes I might think, wrongly, that your decision-making ability is suspect- Are you okay there?
Ray: Yeah, I'm all right.
Debra: Anyway, I apologize.
Ray: Okay, yeah. I'm sorry if I was a little jerky last night, too. The curtains are not actually repulsive.
Debra: But you have a point. Just because you would name a dog "Floppy" doesn't mean you shouldn't get a say.
Ray: Really?
Debra: Yeah. And you know what? We have a vacation coming up. Why don't you decide where we go?
Ray: Me? I decide the vacation?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: The family vacation? That's big.
Debra: I trust you. I do. I'm going to have to trust you.

Quote from Ray

Debra: What's all this?
Ray: No, no, no, no, no, no. You told me to get some milk at the store, and, I thought, 'cause I'm helping, that I would get some stuff that I wanted to get.
Debra: Oh.
Ray: Yeah. Let me show you. Let me show you. This is for the ants. It's great. It's all natural. Made from some oil or something. You can spray it wherever you want.
Debra: Ray, watch it. Don't, don't.
Ray: No, no, it's made from, like, oranges or something. You squirt it on a cracker, you got yourself a snack.
Frank: I'm in.
Ray: So I was thinkin' we could cancel the exterminator.
Debra: Well, if you want to go around and spray every nook and cranny of this house, then you can cancel the exterminator.
Ray: Ha ha! I can do things. I'm a thing-doer.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Mom, what do you think of these?
Marie: I don't buy this kind. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. However, I would say that accents like tissues are one of the most crucial decisions in the look and character of a household.
Ray: You do realize that people use them to blow their nose?
Debra: Yes, but before they blow their nose, the right tissue box invites them to do so.
Ray: Yeah? Okay, well, I think these are inviting.
Robert: Well, you are alone.

Quote from Frank

Ray: You see? I still can't make my own decisions. You never let me, and you never let me. You're both the same.
Debra: Hey!
Marie: Hey!
Frank: Game's all over. Still no sandwiches. [Robert hands Frank a sandwich] Oh. Hey, those tissues stink.
Ray: What?
Frank: Yeah. They got the lotion on them. They're all greasy. You pull one out to blow your nose on it, you think you did it already.
Ray: Yeah, right. Knowing you, Dad, you probably did.
Frank: Seriously. That is a disaster of a product.
Ray: These tissues are fine, Dad! They're fine! All right?

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