Robert: Wow, are you a liar. You know, I know what it is. I got something good and you can't stand it. You never could. Remember when I made that diorama in Mr. Carolan's history class?
Ray: What?
Robert: Everybody said how great it was everybody! I won a prize, remember? But you said it stunk.
Ray: You had George Washington fighting a dinosaur.
Robert: It was a dragon, Raymond! A dragon that represented years of British tyranny! Which just goes to show how stupid you were then and now.

Amy: All right, let's all just relax. I think we're making too big of a deal of this.
Debra: No, Amy, I have been putting up with this for 15 years. I am not gonna let him do this to you too. You know, when I need to talk to Ray about my feelings or our children, I know I have until the commercial's over. That gives me 30 seconds. And if there's a girl in the commercial, or a truck with big wheels, or God forbid, a monkey, forget it.

Amy: You know what? It's taken some time, but even Robert has started opening up to me. Like, he finally told me why he sleeps with a tennis racket under his bed.
Ray: He still does that?
Amy: For the burglars.
Ray: That's what he told you it's for? No, no, no, that's- That's his ghost swatter.
Amy: What?
Ray: Yes, yes. Ever since we were kids, he would- Listen to this. One time, he was about 12, and he thought he heard something in the attic. And so of course I'm making fun of him. So to prove that he's not scared, he went up there with his "ghost swatter." So I took a broom and I went, "Boom boom boom." And all of a sudden, two giant legs come crashing through the ceiling boom!
Amy: Just his legs?
Ray: Yeah, well, he fell on a beam... "Aah!" And it's just two giant legs just sticking out, and they were still trying to run... "Aah."
Amy: Was he injured?
Ray: Well, you tell me.

Ray: Come on, Amy, we should get in there. Dad's probably got the fondue pot on his head like Winnie the Pooh.

Ray: Me and Amy, we had a nice long chat.
Robert: All right, that's really nice. What did you guys talk about?
Ray: Oh, gosh, pretty much everything, I think.
Robert: Yeah, Amy's great, huh?
Ray: Yeah, Amy's great. She's great. Yeah. She's kind of like a little... Lady Chatterley.
Robert: Lady Chatterley?
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: What do you mean?
Ray: Oh, you know, like she always she always wants to know how everybody is, and she gets real excited about Fondue Date Night. And she told me about this interesting salesgirl that sold her a sweater and-and-and whatever. It's all good stuff. It's all good.
Robert: Are you saying that Amy talks too much?
Ray: No, Robert, I love Amy.

Robert: Everybody thinks my wife is great! Everybody! So you have to tell me that she's a Lady Chatterbox who won't shut up? Oh, I know how it goes. Jealous ass.
Ray: Come on.
Robert: Jeal-ass! Yes!
Ray: Stop it. No. Come on, don't go, Robert. Stay. Come stay and watch the game. Come on. You wanna say something bad about my wife, you can. I don't care. Come on. Say it. Say it. "She's a bad cook and she's mean." [turns around and sees Debra] Hey. Hi. One second, one second. And you may think that, Robert, you'd be dead wrong. Dead wrong. Debra is a caring, beautiful, skinny person. So how's it going? [Debra walks off] Look, I saved you this chip it looks like a heart.

Amy: You've been quiet all night. Are you okay?
Robert: Yeah, I'm fine. Everything okay with you?
Amy: Fine and dandy. Ooh, did I show you this sweater I got?
Robert: It's nice.
Amy: The salesgirl I bought it from, Bridget, she was so sweet and smart. She's taking some time off of school to make some money, but I really hope she finishes, because she's really great...
Robert: And then you bought the sweater. Got it. [off Amy's look] I'm sorry. Actually, you know, I kind of did have a bad day.
Amy: Oh? What happened?
Robert: Oh, nothing. It's just like every other day, dealing with the scum of the earth.

Frank: You know, you wouldn't think it, but this chocolate and salami is a great combo.

Debra: Look, Ray, we're not asking for that much. It's just talking and listening. Watch. Hello, Robert.
Robert: Oh, hello there, Debra.
Debra: How's it going?
Robert: Not so good. I've got a brother who lacks even rudimentary social skills.
Debra: I'm sorry to hear that.
Robert: Well, thanks for asking. And by the way, those are lovely earrings.

Marie: Oh, that was very good. Raymond, do it with me now. Hello, Raymond.
Ray: Hello, Mother. Oh, look, Mom, a bear in pants.
Marie: Yes, your brother is quite hairy.
Robert: No, Ma, he's not doing it right.
Ray: Yes, he is, Ma. He's also ugly. He should really wear a welder's mask.
Robert: Why don't I weld your mouth to your ass and make a doughnut out of you?!
Ray: You don't know how to weld.
Robert: I'm a damn fine welder.
Ray: Oh, you stink at everything.