Trending ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ Quotes

Quote from Ray in Civil War

Frank: The South's short of a few guys so you're going to have to fight on their side. [Robert chuckles]
Ray: South? Come on, I don't want to fight on the South. I want to be with you guys at this thing.
Harry: A rebel in a Union camp? That is out of the question, soldier.
Ray: I'm not a rebel! Come on, I don't know those guys. I'm going to be all shy.
Harry: Don't make me slap you.
Ray: I'm never going to pass for a Southerner, okay? What if they hear me talk?
Robert: Maybe they'll hang you as a spy.
Harry: Robert, want to give me a hand? I have a cannon in the trunk of my car.
Robert: Sir, yes, sir!
Ray: Wait. Robert, talk to this guy, will you? I don't want to fight for the South. I can't eat grits and say "y'all."
Robert: I like you on the other side. It's more authentic. Brother against brother. [whistles "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]

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Quote from Frank in The Sneeze

Robert: Hey, you know, Ma, I'm thinking that since I've been here, my throat's a little scratchy, too.
Marie: Oh, honey, give me your head. You sit down. I'll get you a bowl.
Gianni: [coughs]
Marie: What is it, Gianni? Maybe you'd better have some soup, too.
Gianni: Oh, okay.
Andy: I got hit in the face with the ball today.
Marie: Oh, I have plenty of soup.
Frank: I've had a pain in the ass for the past 45 years. You got any soup for that?

Quote from Marie in Christmas Present

Marie: What is a DVD player?
Ray: Come on, not now, Ma, please.
Marie: Is it for pornography?
Debra: Yes, Marie, I got Ray a porn machine.
Marie: I don't like that, Debra.

Quote from Frank in Your Place or Mine?

Frank: That was not tuna salad. It had no celery in it.
Marie: So once I forgot the celery. So what?
Frank: So what? So it's not tuna salad. It had no bite. It had no crunch.
Marie: Oh, poor you.
Frank: Yeah, poor me. Raymond, what is it that makes tuna salad, tuna salad? [Ray is silent] Come on.
Ray: It's the celery.
Frank: Yeah, it's the celery that makes tuna salad, tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop.
Marie: I put in mayo, I put in dill, I put in pepper. I mashed it, I mixed it, I spread it. And you have the nerve to say slop to me.
Frank: Yes. Slop to you. Slop to you!
Ray: [to Debra] He was on the debate team.

Quote from Robert in The Can Opener

Robert: So, trouble in paradise?
Debra: Oh, no, it's just that... Eh, why would you wanna hear me complain about Ray?
Robert: Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Robert Barone.

Quote from Marie in Mozart

Marie: What's that note?
Ray: C.
Marie: C? No, that's not a C, sweetie. Does it have a line running through it?
Ray: Yes.
Marie: Well then, how can that be a C? F-A-C-E, "face," are the ones in the spaces.
Ray: Right.
Marie: And E-G-B-D-F are the ones with the line running through it. You know that. What's E-G-B-D-F?
Ray: "Ellen Garvey's behind deserves framing."
Marie: I don't like that, Raymond.

Quote from Ray in Hackidu

Robert: It's Amy's brother Russell. He owns a comic book shop. He's got cards there.
Ray: "Russell's Vintage Comics."
Robert: Yeah, he's a good guy. If anyone has Scramisaur, he does.
Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is in Hohokus, New Jersey, all right? I'm not going all the way out to freakin' Hohokus. Come on. It's an hour and a half! Some of that's still Indian territory.
Debra: Ray, you-
Ray: No, look, I'm sorry Ally's upset, but I'll talk to her, all right? I'm putting an end to this card baloney. $65, come on.
Robert: [sings] Buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu.
Ray: Yeah, okay, knock it off, upper-thigh-hole.

Quote from Lois in Fighting In-Laws

Warren: You are so damn negative. You don't think we need a little help? How about the sex? What about the sex?
Lois: I am not withholding sex from you! I'm tired! Can I ever be tired?! Is that allowed?!
Warren: Well, I'm never too tired. We're both down on this. That's a good quality.

Quote from Frank in Home From School

Debra: I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Frank: Hey, Deb, I could show you a couple of techniques I used to get these two mutts out of bed.
Ray: We're not gonna put ice cubes down his pants, Dad.
Frank: I'm not saying you start with that. I'm saying you start with what I used to call The Dirty-Sock Alarm Clock.
Marie: Oh, Frank, that was disgusting.
Frank: You reach way down to the bottom of the hamper...
Debra: We're not doing that, Frank.
Frank: It's called Tough, Smelly Love.
Robert: Sometimes he'd use my own sock against me.

Quote from Andy in All I Want For Christmas

Andy: Hey, Erin, you're a woman.
Erin: Thanks.
Andy: Come here. Have a seat. We gotta talk to you about something.
Ray: Don't, Andy.
Erin: No, it's okay, I'll talk to him. It's Christmas.
Andy: Thank you, Erin. Our question is this: Why can't I score? What the helI's with you people? Why do women look at me like I'm some kind of homunculus?

Quote from Robert in The Disciplinarian

Robert: Oh, you can't win. No matter what you do, they're still gonna grab your booze and go to a concert.
Debra: No concerts! Shirts can come off at concerts, too.
Robert: I gotta start a band.

Quote from Marie in Mozart

Marie: Get up.
Ray: Why?
Marie: Because it's too hard for you. You need the purple book. There. All right? What's this note?
Ray: "B."
Marie: Get up. The orange book.
Ray: Orange? You skipped the blue book.
Marie: You have to earn the blue book. You don't even know the basics, Raymond. Don't you listen to me when I talk?
Ray: That was 25 years ago.
Marie: You remembered Ellen Garvey.
Ray: Her behind deserved framing.
Marie: Oh, you think that's funny? Well, you listen to me. There's nothing funny about throwing away your talent.
Ray: Come on, Ma. What talent?
Marie: You had talent. You had potential. You had sensitivity. Look at your fingers, they're beautiful. [sobs]

Quote from Marie in Mozart

Marie: Get up.
Ray: What?
Marie: You're obviously unprepared for this number. We need a practice book.
Ray: Oh, I hate the practice book.
Marie: Here's the brown one.
Ray: Oh, brown.
Marie: Now, do you want Pretty Polly or Eskimo Boy? Well?
Ray: Pretty Polly.

Quote from Frank in Pilot

Frank: Ray, you want to watch the game?
Ray: What are you doing, everybody? Debra's gonna be... Okay. I'm gonna ask you to quickly and quietly move to your nearest exits!
Frank: It's the fourth quarter.
Ray: Dad, please. Buckle up and go!
Marie: You know, when somebody does you a favor, you're supposed to say, "Thank you."
Ray: Thank you, Mom and Dad. You're wonderful grandparents. You're not evil at all.
Frank: Let me just smell their heads once more.
Ray: Dad, please.
Frank: It's the fountain of youth. I'm sucking in that youth.
Ray: I'm begging you, Dad, let go of their heads. I'll give you money. Do you want the money?
Frank: Hey, save your money. You're gonna need it. Victoria's not a secret anymore.

Quote from Ray in The Will

Debra: He's meeting with us about our wills.
Ray: Wills? No, no, no. I do not want a will. It's bad luck.
Debra: Look, you've been putting this off for years. And I would think you'd want to be prepared, especially after your near-death experience.
Ray: Near-death, I was going for pity sex.
Debra: You know, I don't understand you. You were fine when we did the life insurance.
Ray: Insurance is too dull to be scary. By the way, how much do you get if I die?
Debra: $800,000.
Ray: That was a little fast. Right? Yeah. Your social security number, you got to look that up, but that number, oh yeah. Right there, right on the tip of your tongue.

Quote from Ray in Fighting In-Laws

Robert: So you're stuck with Debra's parents for the whole weekend?
Ray: Well, we hardly get to see them. So when they come to town, we want to spend as much time as possible with them. I've been told that's how I feel.

Quote from Ray in Pet the Bunny

Ray: It's not it's not a eulogy. I jotted a few things down.
Robert: Oh, jotted. You jotted, did you? There's like eight paragraphs right here.
Ray: Hey, I'm a professional writer, remember? For me this is like doodling. In fact, I wrote more than this. Wait a minute. Hey, guys, is this all that you drew?
Geoffrey: No, we drew a lot.
Ray: Really? Good, great. Where are the other pictures?
Geoffrey: We gave them to Grandma.
Ray: No! [runs out]
Geoffrey: Daddy's weird.

Quote from Ray in Counseling

Debra: Therapist? What, you mean like a marriage counselor?
Linda: Yeah. We've been going for about a month now. We really had to do something. We were starting to fight a lot.
Ray: Huh. Who wants coffee?
Debra: So, is it helping?
Bernie: Oh, you wouldn't believe the difference.
Debra: Really?
Ray: Forget the coffee. How about some drinks, put on some music?
Linda: You know, it's so great to be able to take our fights to a third party.
Bernie: Yeah. Now I've actually won a few. Of course, it's not about winning.
Linda: Pamela's trying to help us understand the deeper reasons why we fight.
Debra: That is so important, because-
Ray: Whoa! Whoops! Dropped a cup. It's my favorite, so how about a moment of silence?

Quote from Marie in Homework

Marie: Obviously you just did enough work to get by. And now you're proud of it.
Ray: Well, yeah! I am proud of it! All those sports books I read and all the sports I watched on TV, that's how I got to be where I'm at.
Marie: "That's how I got to be where I'm at"?
Ray: Yeah. That's right.
Marie: You're a writer, and that's how you use the English language?
Ray: What? What are you talkin' about?
Marie: You do not end a sentence with "at."
Ray: All right, big deal, I ended it with a proposition.
Marie: Preposition, it's a prep - Oh, my God!
Ray: What? What are you getting so upset about?
Marie: Because this is the end of civilization! People like you don't want to work or learn anything because they're too busy with their remote control television or playing with their hula-hoops! And before you know it, that's where we're at!

Quote from Frank in Ally's F

Ray: You did that? Well, why didn't you tell me?
Marie: Because you should respect teachers. Plus, Robert would've wanted me to do it for him.
Robert: Why wouldn't you do it for me? How about when I was 13 years old and my basketball coach called me "the useless giraffe"?
Frank: You were 6'5". You couldn't get a couple of rebounds?