Ray: Ma, I saw that girl eat a fly!
Marie: Stop it, Raymond! Why can't you just accept that your brother is different? I accept you, Robbie.
Robert: Listen, Ma, I would love nothing more than to tell you I'm gay.
Frank: Marie, look what you're doing!
Robert: But I'm not, Dad, all right? So you can unclench your intestines. I wish I had a good reason why I'm always striking out. But I don't. It's me. It's me. Most people find their other half. And I just have to wake up and accept already that maybe there is no other half... for this.
Marie: Oh, Robbie!
Robert: See you later.

Ray: Robert's weird. He doesn't like to go out to eat because he has a fear of busboys. He can't carry his dollar bills facing each other because it would be like they're kissing.
Debra: That's just quirky.
Ray: Yeah? Quirky? He separates his Good 'n Plenties into "goods" and "plenties." Which one is which again?
Robert: Never mind.
Ray: No, no, go ahead. Go ahead.
Robert: The pinks are the "goods," and the whites are the "plenties." 'Cause there's always more of them. And they're not as good. And then there's a third category of "irregulars."
Ray: And they're called...
Robert: "Cuties."
Ray: I rest my case.

Ray: All right, listen, Mrs. Gorman, I was just seeing if maybe I could get you to take your pills.
Mrs. Gorman: Fix my radio, I'll take a pill.
Ray: I don't know how to fix a radio.
Mrs. Gorman: Then you've used up what's left of my life for nothing.
Ray: Okay then. Well, nice talking to you, ma'am.
Mrs. Gorman: You sit in the press box?
Ray: What, at the game?
Mrs. Gorman: Yeah. I've never sat in a press box before.
Ray: Well, um, if you want to sit in a press box, you've got to get better. And if you want to get better you've got to take your pills.
Mrs. Gorman: Oh, you tricky, tricky white boy.

Amy: Deb, can we watch TV over here? Frank fell asleep with the remote tucked into his boxers.
Robert: And then the channel changed so we got the hell out of there.

Ray: It's a different fruit every month.
Marie: Every month?
Ray: Yes. Yes. That's why they call it Fruit-of-the-Month Club.
Marie: It's a club? Oh, my God! What do I do with all this fruit?
Ray: Well, most people like it, Ma! You share it. Share it with all your friends.
Marie: Which friends?
Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan.
Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit.
Ray: Well, give it to-
Marie: Oh, why did you do this to me?
Ray: My God!
Marie: I can't talk. There's too much fruit in the house!

Debra: She wanted to hear the twins tell their "knock, knock" joke, and I told her it was a bad time and we went upstairs.
Ray: Ha. Did they do the Goliath one?
Debra: No, l...
Ray: 'Cause that's a good one. Knock, knock. Say "Who's there?"
Debra: What is with your family?
Ray: Come on. Say "Who's there?"
Debra: Who's there?
Ray: Goliath.
Debra: Goliath who?
Ray: Goliath down. You looketh tired.

Ray: Hey, your parents seem to be doing okay. It's nice.
Debra: It's not nice. My father just said, "Holy crap."
Ray: What? You always wanted our parents to get along.
Debra: Yeah, but I didn't want my parents to convert. Look at them.
Lois: You were right, Marie. Debra could get this rug a lot cleaner.
Warren: [groans] Oh, Frank, I got to tell you. I overdid it this year. [unbuttons belt]
Frank: You know what you need, pal? A pair of my special stretchy pants.

Debra: Robert, I think you're getting carried away.
Frank: Debra, please. We're talking.
Robert: Oh, come on, Deb. Come on! You know how she is! Now's your chance. Tell her how you feel! It's time to rise up and cast off the shackles!
Ray: Easy there, Spartacus.
Debra: Yeah, Robert, in hindsight, maybe faxing that letter wasn't the best idea, but I think Marie was only trying to help.
Robert: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're gonna stand there and tell me that she doesn't wrap her tentacles around every part of your life and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze?! Is that what you're gonna tell me right now?!
Debra: Okay, but she's not a saboteur.

Ray: Come on. You know, they say couples shouldn't go to bed angry.
Debra: I'm not angry anymore, Ray. Good night.
Ray: Look, you're not angry anymore? I might not believe you. You might have to prove that. Oh, okay. I see. That's how you're gonna get me, holding back sex? Oh, how original. You think that's gonna get me? I'm a sex camel. Without sex. Sex camel. That's a good one. Sex camel. I should write that one down.
Debra: Laugh it up, funny man.

Robert: Yeah, yeah, you know what? Laugh all you want, 'cause I'm done.
Debra: What do you mean you're done?
Robert: Done. I'm done dating. I'm done trying to meet someone. I'm done with humiliation. I can't anymore.
Frank: There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Ray: Okay, Deb. Here you go. Hope you like it.
Debra: "To Kill a Mockingbird."
Ray: Yeah, it's one of those first editions.
Debra: Yeah, I know. This is this is so great. Oh, I love this. Thank you so much. How did you... Oh, I love you.
Ray: I'm glad you like it.
Frank: I killed a bird once.
Debra: I have to tell you, Ray, when you told me you bought something thoughtful for me, I didn't totally believe you. I'm so sorry.
Ray: It's okay. Seeing your face now, that's like your gift to me.
Debra: Oh! [hugs Ray]
Ray: [clears throat] So... Um, Harper Lee won the Pulitzer Prize for that, didn't she, Deb?
Debra: Yeah. Oh God, this is so wonderful, Ray.

Robert: I don't know. There's something about Debra's mom. She gives me the willies.
Frank: What about the husband? He's the weird one. He got all that lotion on him. He's all slick and moist like a beaver running through the woods.

Ray: What are you talking about? I'm just trying to help.
Marie: You should be quiet.
Debra: Yes. Yes. Oh, no, he is trying to help. Look what he did. Look what he bought me. Magic pills, huh? Maybe I should try some. Oh, look, Ray's clothes just flew off the bed and into the hamper. These really work.
Marie: Oh, let me have one. Oh, Frank's toenails just crawled right into the garbage can.
Ray: What are you what are you doing, Mom? It's me, Raymie.
Marie: Raymond, you know that I always let you two fight your own battles, but I can't let you go on with this cycle of your father's imbecility.

Russell: How old is your daughter?
Ray: 7.
Russell: 7. I'll tell you what she needs. Are you familiar with "Little Lotta"? You see, Lotta is a little girl with a bow on her head and although she's morbidly obese, she still finds happiness.
Ray: Do you have a partner? 'Cause maybe I could talk to him about this.
Russell: Don't you get it, you Long Island suburban automaton? You can't hear the truth over your lawnmower, man!

Amy: Maybe we should all go.
Robert: [shushes] Where were we?
Ray: Oh, just shut up, okay? You're not perfect!
Robert: Never said I was, but I'll tell you what I do say: I am more than happy to wait for my wife. And I'm sure that Amy will attest to the fact that I have waited for her plenty of times with nary a peep.
Amy: When have I ever made you wait?
Robert: Well, no, no. You know, we always get to wherever we're going on time. But when it's time for us to leave, you always like to talk to everybody one last time... because you're so sweet and sociable. So it takes you a little longer to go. But- But it's cute, honey, what you do. A- A- And when anyone asks me why am I just standing at the door doing nothing, I tell them, "I'm waiting for my wife. She's on her goodbye tour." And everybody laughs.
Amy: The Goodbye Tour? You have a name for it?
Robert: A funny name. [faint chuckle]

Ray: Okay. You know her, uh, famous homemade sauce?
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: You wanna know the secret ingredient?
Debra: Okay.
Ray: Gasoline which she puts in her car to drive to Waldbaum's to go to aisle six to pick up a jar of Ragu!
Debra: No way!
Ray: Yeah!
Debra: Wow!
Ray: Look, I know it's a little early, but happy anniversary!

Frank: Grandpa Sal, very scary. He once made Mussolini wet himself. My dad used to tell me horrible stories about how his father used to hit him... when he wasn't hitting me.
Robert: Grandpa Joe hit you?
Frank: Sure. I got hit every day.
Ray: Wow, Dad. I didn't know it was like that for you.
Frank: It was like that for everybody. That's just the way it was.
Ray: So your dad's dad hit him, he hit you, and you never really hit us.
Frank: I couldn't. I don't know. I was always weaker than him.
Robert: Maybe you didn't want to be like him.
Frank: I didn't.

Debra: Game? That's a very good idea, Marie. It's about time we did something together as a family for once.
Ray: You really want to play, like, a board game?
Frank: I don't like games. Follow the rules, pay attention, wait your turn... It's just like work, dressed up like play.

Frank: Hey. You know what the guys at the lodge were just telling me? Apparently if you install it yourself, a satellite dish is actually quite affordable. Makes you think, doesn't it? Anyway, make me a sandwich, will ya?
Marie: You want a sandwich?
Frank: Uh, roast beef, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, cheese, easy onion.
Marie: Sounds nice. What kind of bread?
Frank: Let's go with the whole wheat today, shall we?
Marie: All right.
[Marie hits Frank with the bread]
Frank: Ow! Hey! Hey! Ow! Okay, white bread, then!
Marie: You didn't think I'd catch on to you, Mr. Sleazy Man? Oh, I caught on. Oh, did I catch on! Sure, getting the two of us to wait on you hand and foot, exploiting the situation. I wish this bread was stale, I would give you a concussion!

Frank: This is dumb. You still need reassurance after 45 years of bondage? All right, I'm gonna tell you something now I've never told anyone else before. I could have had my chance with Claudia.
Ray: What?
Frank: That's right. There was one day I was dropping off your old highchair, and there was no one at your apartment except her. And she let me in, and she asked me if I wanted something to drink, and I said, "Yeah." I was thirsty from luggin' the freakin' highchair up your damn steps. She poured me some iced tea, and when she stuck her hand out to give it to me, and I went for it, she pulled it back a little, you know, like playfully?
Marie: That whore.
Frank: And you know what? Even though she was not what you would call classically beautiful, I could see what Ray saw in her.
Ray: Dad!
Frank: No, no, she had something. There was always a little rumba in the horn section.
Ray: I never looked at her horn section. I swear to God.
Frank: And I said, "Just give me the tea," like that, and she gave me the tea. And I drank it, and I handed her the glass back, and she washed it, and I left. And that was it, because I have a wife named Marie.
Marie: Oh, Frank.
Frank: There you go.
Debra: Wait a minute. You watched her wash the glass?
Frank: Well, yeah. I'm not a monk.