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‘The Skit’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Skit

617. The Skit

Aired February 25, 2002

Ray and Debra perform a skit about Frank and Marie for their friends' anniversary party.

Quote from Ray

Ray: And finally this is how Lee and Stan might visit someone's home. "Ding-dong! Hello! Thank you for inviting us."
Debra: "Oh, Stan, isn't this a lovely house?"
Ray: "It certainly is, and you are lovely too, Lee."
Debra: "Oh, thank you, Stan. I love you."
Ray: "And I love you, Lee." Now, let's take a look at how Frank and Marie might visit someone's home, shall we?
Debra: "Do you think Raymond is home?"
Ray: "Let's find out."
Both: "Ba-boom!" [mime kicking the door down]

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Quote from Ray

Debra: "Oh my God, look what they leave lying around! The 'Sports Illustrated' Swimsuit Issue!"
Ray: "Holy crap! Gimme that!"
Debra: "Frank, you know that's not what real women look like."
Ray: "No kidding."
Debra: "And just what magazine are you in, Frank? 'Bald and Gassy?'"
Ray: "Hey, my problem is, I got a lifetime subscription to you!"
Debra: "And I can cancel it at any time!"

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, you know what? That's what you should do, stuff about your parents.
Ray: What? It's Lee and Stan's thing.
Debra: I know, but you could do like a marriage comparison. You know, where Lee and Stan are a classic, successful marriage, and your parents are less classical.
Ray: That's true. I would love to be able to bring up the time they drove a car through the living room wall.
Debra: Yeah, as opposed to Lee and Stan, who prefer to ring the doorbell. [both laugh]
Ray: That's good.
Debra: Yeah. Yeah.
Ray: Or or how 'bout the time my father accidentally gave out condoms for Halloween?
Debra: How 'bout the time that they fought for a week because they were literally comparing apples and oranges!
Ray: Right, right. I remember that. I had to vote.

Quote from Robert

Robert: You know what I always like? A good song parody.
Debra: A song parody? Like what?
Robert: How 'bout something like... [sings to the tune of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain"] Lee and Stan have been married 45 years Lee and Stan have been married 45 years Oh, they like to play canasta and take walks around the malls and why not? It's marvelous exercise.

Quote from Ray

Debra: "Hello, dears."
Ray: "Make me somethin' to eat!"
Debra: "Don't mind me, I'll just be going through your mail."
Ray: "And I'll just be watching your television."
Debra: "Oh, Frank, zip up your pants!"
Ray: "Zip up your mouth!"

Quote from Ray

Ray: "Make me somethin' to eat!"
Debra: "Make it yourself!"
Ray: "If I could make it myself, you'd be out on the curb!"
Debra: "You'd love that, wouldn't you?"
Ray: "I think we'd both love it." And you know what else we both love?
Both: Lee and Stan!

Quote from Robert

Robert: All right, so let me get this straight it's okay to poke fun at Mom and Dad, but you guys are strictly off-limits?
Ray: No, no... No.
Debra: I mean, come on, Robert! There is a huge difference here! We had to think up what we were gonna say. They were so ready with their attack!
Ray: Yeah, it's like you practice it in your basement.
Robert: You know, I think what we're seeing here is that humor, while so often a tonic, can be a poison to those unprepared to take it.
Frank & Marie: Ah.
Ray: Yeah, great. Why don't you ba-doo-dee-do outta here?
Robert: Okay well, see, a line like that just rolls off my back, whereas if I call you a name like "Nosey Nosenstein"... You get your big honker all out of whack! Beep! Beep!

Quote from Frank

Debra: Look, our skit was all in fun. We were even worried about offending you.
Marie: Why would you be offending us?
Frank: Yeah, you think you're telling us stuff we don't know? Marie knows she's a big pain in the ass!
Marie: And Frank knows he's a pig with shoes.
Frank: Yeah. Yeah, I tell you what would have been funny, if you had talked about the time we drove the car through your house. [both laugh]
Marie: Now, that was hysterical!

Quote from Debra

Debra: Your mother thinks I am a moron. I agree to help her and heat up some things for the party tomorrow. Listen to her directions for me "Debra, these are mini quiches," then in parentheses, "French cheese pies." "Put in the oven tomorrow at 6:00 P.M." P.M. is underlined!
Ray: So what? It's not that bad.
Debra: Oh, no? Listen to this, "Caution: oven gets hot."

Quote from Frank

Stan: Give us a little, Frank.
Marie: No, no, you two just do us some more.
Ray: No, no. Go ahead.
Frank: "No, no. Go ahead."
Stan: That's him! With the nasal voice.
Ray: Yeah, nasal voice, all right.
Frank: "Oh, I hurt my pinky when I was typing! The keys were so hard! I can't do this anymore!"

Quote from Robert

Robert: Ten, eleven... Wait a minute. There's a teaspoon missing! There's supposed to be twelve teaspoons, there's only eleven! Ma!
Frank: What the hell! What are you yappin' about?!
Robert: There's supposed to be twelve teaspoons. This is an incomplete set!
Frank: What party are you gonna give with twelve guests?
Robert: A big party, 'cause it'll be the reading of your will! Maybe it got scraped into the trash can. Maybe it's in the trash.
[Ray appears in the window with a spoon balanced on his nose. He knocks on the window. Robert turns around, his hands caked in dirt from the trash.]
Robert: That is not funny!

Quote from Frank

Ray: What's goin' on in there?
Marie: Robbie is helping your father write a funny speech for Lee and Stan.
Frank: Get back here! We're not done!
Robert: Oh, we're done, old man!
Frank: Fine, fine! I don't need your help anymore! Marie, I'm not doing the stupid speech.
Marie: It's the one thing you have to do for the party!
Frank: Well, now the one thing I have to do is eat shrimp.
Marie: You have to write something. They're our dearest friends.
Frank: To hell with them.

Quote from Ray

Robert: What's up, Shakespeare?
Ray: Shut up!
Robert: How goeth it?
Ray: I don't know. Here, look at this.
Robert: "It's no wonder Stan was attracted to Lee. He's an accountant, so he appreciates good figures." What are you saying? That Lee has a good figure? Have you seen Lee?
Ray: Stop it! I know, all right? It's not funny. These people are not funny. They play cards and walk around the mall for exercise. They're boring people.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Yeah, it's too bad it's not Ma and Dad's anniversary, then you'd have material!
Ray: You know what I was thinkin' of the other day? Remember the time Mom sewed his fly shut?
Debra: What? When was this?
Ray: We were in high school and she was sick of him sittin' on the couch all open and unzipped.
Robert: It didn't work, though. He'd just come home, rip off his pants, and hang 'em on the front door knob.
Ray: And then he'd come in the house.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Well, Raymond, it's official. They love you no matter what you do.
Ray: No matter what I do? You mean like provide crowd-pleasing entertainment?
Robert: It just should be noted that everybody was drunk.
Debra: Drunk with laughter.
Robert: Oh, my my. You know, I expect that from Raymond, but not from you, Debra. I'm very disappointed.
Ray: [sings to the tune of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain"] No one's going to listen to Robert anymore No one's going to listen to Robert anymore
Robert: All right
Ray: [continues singing] You were wrong and we were funny And you can't stand it, honey Did I mention that you're due back at the zoo?

Quote from Frank

Marie: "Oh, stop, Ray. I'm trying to heat up soup from a can. And it's very tricky."
Lee: That's you, Donna!
Debra: It's Debra.
Frank: "Who cares! Pay more attention to me! I'm a needy, whiney baby! My pinky! Oh!"
Robert: [laughing] Stop! Stop!
Marie: "Ray, you never help me with anything around here. Idiot!"
Frank: "You're so mean to me! I want my mommy!"
Robert: [laughs]
Marie: "Then go over there, because I'm too busy to be nice to you."
Lee: That's perfect, 'cause she's so mean to him, always!
Stan: And he's such a baby!
Ray: I am not!
Stan: See!
Robert: [laughing] Stop! My stomach! You're killing me!

Quote from Robert

Frank: What the hell are you talking about? We were being funny, just like you.
Ray: Being funny, just like us? Let me explain something about humor to you people.
[Robert eagerly sits down and holds his face in his hands]
Ray: Yeah, see? Right there. That's a perfect example of something that's not funny! And also ugly! I think that you need to learn that usually what makes something funny is its tone, a light, comic feeling. That's why people were laughing during our skit. We had the spirit of fun about us. Therefore, the audience was free to feel comfortable and amused.
Robert: Will this lecture be available on audio cassette?

Quote from Debra

Ray: Okay, but you know, I really did hurt my pinky that time.
Marie: Oh, Raymond. Raymond, you have to believe me, we didn't mean to hurt your feelings with our little imitations. But now that I know you both are so sensitive, we will never make those kinds of jokes again. All right?
Debra: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I mean, you're implying that we can't take a joke. And, of course, we can.
Ray: Of course we can. I love to take a joke.
Debra: Yes. Now that we know that you were just kidding around, we are fine. We laugh at ourselves all the time.
Ray: All the time. Laughin' and jokin' all the time.
Debra: I mean, everybody knows that he's a whiney baby who needs his mommy and never does anything around the house... [both laugh]
Ray: That's right, and you're like an uptight, cranky yell machine. With stick-out ears.
Debra: Yeah. So you see, we have a perfectly good sense of humor!

Quote from Robert

Robert: You know, I gotta tell ya, I really misjudged you guys. You're much better sports than I gave you credit for. And your skit was funny, too.
Debra: Thanks, Robert.
Ray: Thanks, man.
Robert: You know, like I always say "Live, love, laugh." [winks] I'll see ya.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Whatcha doin' there?
Marie: Oh, this? This is called "polishing silver."
Debra: Yeah, I know that. It's just that we don't often see your silver.
Marie: Please, stop hinting, Debra. The silver's going to Robbie. It's already in the will.

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