Marie: Debra? May I say something as an impartial observer? Wouldn't your time be better spent talking things out with Raymond, instead of turning your children into gamblers?
Debra: Marie, I try to talk to Raymond all the time, but he doesn't listen. You don't know how bad it can get.
Marie: There's a chocolate-covered old man sitting on my good couch, and I don't know how bad it can get?
Ray: Yeah.
Marie: This is a good husband. Any time you want to trade places, just say the word. I mean, if I were 40 years younger and he wasn't my son...
Ray: Okay, Ma. All right, all right.

Ray: Listen, Dad. Uh... In the past, I may have been under the impression that you were maybe not such a good guy. But I'm starting to think that I may have been led to believe that you were worse than you are. Okay? So I'm thinking that maybe you're not so bad. I- I guess I just wanted you to know that.
Frank: Am I dying?
Robert: No, Dad, you're not dying.
Frank: Then turn the TV back on.
Ray: Dad, listen. Ma used to talk bad about you behind your back when we were kids. Every Saturday she would sit me down and complain about you.
Frank: And?
Ray: Well, that doesn't bother you?
Frank: What would bother me is if I had to listen.

Ray: Hey.
Debra: Hey, listen, I was thinking about-
Ray: I'm sorry.
Debra: No, no, I'm sorry.
Ray: Oh, well okay, but I just want you to know that I'm going to try harder around here. So you know, you can shut down the casino, okay? Look, I even got you that yogurt you said you wanted.
Debra: Oh well, this is sour cream, but I appreciate the effort.

Ray: Does Mommy do other bets besides the haircut one?
Ally: Yeah.
Ray: Like what?
Ally: Well, sometimes when you call and say what time you'll be home from work, she bets us what time you'll really be home.
Geoffrey: It's funny 'cause you're always so late.
Ray: Ha ha. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny, yeah. What else?
Ally: She bets us what you'll forget at the grocery store.
Geoffrey: And if you did the laundry.
Michael: And how long you'll take in the bathroom.
Geoffrey: I always say "infinity."

Ray: Listen, I noticed it, I'm just- No, it looks good. It totally compliments your head. Yeah.
Ally: Daddy, you didn't notice my haircut, either.
Ray: I- No, I did, I did. It's totally different.
Ally: I didn't get a haircut.
Debra: Nice one.
Ray: Ha. Very funny. You know, Ally, you shouldn't do that. One day you're gonna want me to notice, and now you're the Girl Who Cried Haircut.

Debra: Ray, I don't understand why you're so upset. You're always making jokes about me.
Ray: Yes. Yes, I am. To my friends. Not impressionable children.
Debra: Take another look at your friends.

Debra: Okay, Ray, if the bets bother you, I can certainly stop.
Ray: Good.
Debra: Fine. But there is another solution. You want them to think you're Superman?
Ray: I am! I am like Superman!
Debra: I'm not talking about just walking around in your underwear.
Robert: [laughs] Walkin' in the underwear!
Debra: Let me ask you: Would Superman have called me tonight to say he's running late at work even though I could hear Gianni's PlayStation in the background?
Robert: Look! Up in the sky! It's Bad Husband! That's right.

Marie: And Raymond is also an excellent father, which Frank, I can assure you, was not. I spent most of my time shielding these boys from his bad moods.
Ray: That's right. Every night Mom would secretly tell us how bad a mood Dad was in on a scale of one to five.
Robert: Yeah, I remember. One meant regular grouchy, and five meant "Run! Run for you lives!"
Ray: That's right.
Marie: You remember what a skinflint he was?
Ray: That's right, I remember. I remember you said, "Skinflint's the perfect word for your father, because he's cheap and bald."

Ray: Oh my God.
Marie: What?
Ray: You did it too.
Marie: Did what?
Ray: Tried to turn us against our dad. Just like Debra.
Debra: Ray, that's ridiculous.
Marie: I don't do anything like Debra.

Robert: Yeah, that's a little nuts, Raymond.
Ray: Oh, really? You don't think that Mom wanted us to think that Dad was a jerk?
Robert: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think he is a jerk.
Ray: Of course you think that now after 40 years of anti-papa propaganda! Don't you remember when we were kids and Mom would sit you down in the kitchen for one of her chats?
Robert: That never happened to me.
Ray: Well, I remember that was my whole Saturday. Dad would be at the lodge, and Mom would sit me down and just go on and on about how she can't stand him, and she doesn't know how anybody can live with him, and... And then when she was finished, I'd get a Cadbury egg.