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‘Whose Side Are You On?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Whose Side Are You On?

813. Whose Side Are You On?

Aired February 2, 2004

Ray is upset to learn that Debra makes bets with the kids about him.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Debra? May I say something as an impartial observer? Wouldn't your time be better spent talking things out with Raymond, instead of turning your children into gamblers?
Debra: Marie, I try to talk to Raymond all the time, but he doesn't listen. You don't know how bad it can get.
Marie: There's a chocolate-covered old man sitting on my good couch, and I don't know how bad it can get?
Ray: Yeah.
Marie: This is a good husband. Any time you want to trade places, just say the word. I mean, if I were 40 years younger and he wasn't my son...
Ray: Okay, Ma. All right, all right.

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Quote from Frank

Ray: Listen, Dad. Uh... In the past, I may have been under the impression that you were maybe not such a good guy. But I'm starting to think that I may have been led to believe that you were worse than you are. Okay? So I'm thinking that maybe you're not so bad. I- I guess I just wanted you to know that.
Frank: Am I dying?
Robert: No, Dad, you're not dying.
Frank: Then turn the TV back on.
Ray: Dad, listen. Ma used to talk bad about you behind your back when we were kids. Every Saturday she would sit me down and complain about you.
Frank: And?
Ray: Well, that doesn't bother you?
Frank: What would bother me is if I had to listen.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Listen, I noticed it, I'm just- No, it looks good. It totally compliments your head. Yeah.
Ally: Daddy, you didn't notice my haircut, either.
Ray: I- No, I did, I did. It's totally different.
Ally: I didn't get a haircut.
Debra: Nice one.
Ray: Ha. Very funny. You know, Ally, you shouldn't do that. One day you're gonna want me to notice, and now you're the Girl Who Cried Haircut.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Does Mommy do other bets besides the haircut one?
Ally: Yeah.
Ray: Like what?
Ally: Well, sometimes when you call and say what time you'll be home from work, she bets us what time you'll really be home.
Geoffrey: It's funny 'cause you're always so late.
Ray: Ha ha. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny, yeah. What else?
Ally: She bets us what you'll forget at the grocery store.
Geoffrey: And if you did the laundry.
Michael: And how long you'll take in the bathroom.
Geoffrey: I always say "infinity."

Quote from Debra

Debra: Ray, I don't understand why you're so upset. You're always making jokes about me.
Ray: Yes. Yes, I am. To my friends. Not impressionable children.
Debra: Take another look at your friends.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Okay, Ray, if the bets bother you, I can certainly stop.
Ray: Good.
Debra: Fine. But there is another solution. You want them to think you're Superman?
Ray: I am! I am like Superman!
Debra: I'm not talking about just walking around in your underwear.
Robert: [laughs] Walkin' in the underwear!
Debra: Let me ask you: Would Superman have called me tonight to say he's running late at work even though I could hear Gianni's PlayStation in the background?
Robert: Look! Up in the sky! It's Bad Husband! That's right.

Quote from Marie

Marie: And Raymond is also an excellent father, which Frank, I can assure you, was not. I spent most of my time shielding these boys from his bad moods.
Ray: That's right. Every night Mom would secretly tell us how bad a mood Dad was in on a scale of one to five.
Robert: Yeah, I remember. One meant regular grouchy, and five meant "Run! Run for you lives!"
Ray: That's right.
Marie: You remember what a skinflint he was?
Ray: That's right, I remember. I remember you said, "Skinflint's the perfect word for your father, because he's cheap and bald."

Quote from Marie

Ray: Oh my God.
Marie: What?
Ray: You did it too.
Marie: Did what?
Ray: Tried to turn us against our dad. Just like Debra.
Debra: Ray, that's ridiculous.
Marie: I don't do anything like Debra.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Yeah, that's a little nuts, Raymond.
Ray: Oh, really? You don't think that Mom wanted us to think that Dad was a jerk?
Robert: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think he is a jerk.
Ray: Of course you think that now after 40 years of anti-papa propaganda! Don't you remember when we were kids and Mom would sit you down in the kitchen for one of her chats?
Robert: That never happened to me.
Ray: Well, I remember that was my whole Saturday. Dad would be at the lodge, and Mom would sit me down and just go on and on about how she can't stand him, and she doesn't know how anybody can live with him, and... And then when she was finished, I'd get a Cadbury egg.

Quote from Robert

Marie: All right, all right that's enough, Raymond. You have been hurtful to both me and Debra today, and I think you owe a full apology to me.
Ray: Oh, I'm gonna apologize... to Dad!
Marie: Raymond!
Ray: Excuse me. My father likes cake. [exits]
Marie: Robby!
Robert: Oh, you're talkin' to me now? Because I believe you still owe me half a cake and a couple hundred Cadbury eggs!

Quote from Frank

Marie: Hello.
Ray: Oh no, don't even try it, Mom, okay? I'm talkin' to Dad now, all right? You had the first 40 years. Dad, Mom's the reason that I think you're cheap and bald!
Frank: You didn't get that on your own?
Ray: No! No, she didn't give me a chance. She was always complaining about you.
Marie: So men are allowed to do whatever they want, and the women just have to put up with it. This is the problem with America!
Frank: You're right. You should leave America.

Quote from Robert

Marie: Listen, Raymond, I spent the best years of my life trying to get an ounce of compassion out of this man, and he gave me nothing.
Ray: Well, don't tell me, tell him.
Marie: You gave me nothing, Frank!
Frank: Thanks a lot, Ray.
Ray: Just leave him alone, Ma.
Marie: So, this is whose side you're on now?
Ray: No, I'm the son. I'm not on anybody's side.
Robert: Well, I am! And since it's been you and Raymond all these years, it's gonna be me and Dad now. That's right. Us two against you two. Right, Dad?
Frank: Sure. Get me some milk.
Robert: All right! And I'm also available to talk behind Raymond and Ma's back.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Listen to me, Ray, your brother's a candy-pants. But guys like us, we've got to be strong. Because the truth is, your mother was gonna complain no matter what I did. So I figured, the hell with it! I'm gonna do what I want. Right?
Ray: Well, uh... Okay.
Frank: Right! Because the more the wife yammers, the more you can't listen. I've been through "Why can't you be a better person?!" Look at me! [eats cake] Am I a better person?
Ray: No.
Frank: I win!

Quote from Debra

Debra: Listen, I wanna talk about Daddy.
Ally: What's the bet?
Debra: Um... [clears throat] No, you know what? We're actually not going to do betting anymore, because I think it's left you with the impression that Daddy's not so cool. And Daddy is cool. [kids giggle] No, he is! You know that. You know that, right? Listen, I just want you to understand that when were doing all that stuff, like betting on haircuts and the grocery store and "ls Daddy zipped up today?" [kids laugh] Listen, I want you to know that I think your daddy is a great guy. He works very hard, he has a lot of fun with you guys, and we're lucky to have him. I love Daddy very much. And you know what? I would rather be married to him than Superman.
Geoffrey: You would?
Debra: Yes, I would.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, guys. Daddy's pulling in. Hurry up and finish your meatloaf.
Ally: I like your new haircut, Mommy.
Debra: Thank you, honey.
Ally: Do you think Daddy'll notice?
Debra: I don't know. You wanna bet?
Kids: Yeah!
Debra: Which side do you want to take?
Ally: I bet he won't notice.
Debra: I was gonna take that one! Okay, he's coming. Hurry up. Quiet.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, Gladys Knight and the Pips.
Debra: Hi, honey.
Ally: Hi, Daddy.

Quote from Debra

Ray: What's up?
Debra: Nothing.
Ray: Looks like somebody had a glass of wine.
Debra: No, no.
Ray: So, what? What are you doing?
Debra: Nothin'. Just looking at you.
Ray: You're drunk. Look at this. They spelled NCAA with three A's. How do they not catch that?
Debra: Ta-da! [the kids laugh]
Ray: What? What's so funny?
Ally: We bet Mommy you wouldn't notice her haircut, and we win.
Debra: What did you think I was doing, checking for lice?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, guys.
Ally: Daddy, can you help me with my homework?
Ray: Ah, forget that. Listen. Listen. I thought of a funny bet that we can do to Mommy, okay? We'll turn on the TV, and then we'll bet how long it takes her to say, "Turn it off." Ha ha!
Ally: But I don't get it.
Michael: Yeah, Mommy's bets are funny.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Hey, no TV during homework.
Ray: Ha ha! I win! I win the bet! I win the- Ho ho, Mommy! That was hilarious, huh? All right! Yeah! That was funny.
Debra: What are you doing?
Ray: Oh, nothing. I bet that you would say, "Turn the TV off," and you did! So predictable! Whoa! Man, that was classic, right?
Debra: Wait, I don't understand. You bet that I'd be a responsible parent?

Quote from Marie

Marie: What's so funny?
Debra: Not Daddy.
Marie: What? No, I always thought that Raymond's sense of humor was wonderful.

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