Marie: Frank, why can't you put a little more thought into what you got me?
Frank: Slippers are very thoughtful. Every day, I see your feet when you get out of bed. So I thought and I thought and I thought... "What can I get to cover up those things?"

Debra: You know, Ray what was it that we were doing in the city that reminded you of "To Kill a Mockingbird"?
Ray: What?
Debra: Remember? Remember, you said, "We were in the city," and I said, "Oh my God!" What was that?
Ray: Right. Right. Well we were in the city, and you said, "Oh my God," because of all the pigeons that there were that day in the city. And I thought, "Pigeons... Birds... Of a feather flock together... Flock, mock-ing bird" Merry Christmas!
Debra: Oh, wow!
Robert: Wow!
Ray: I know, right? It's funny how the mind works, isn't it?

Robert: It was me!
Debra: What?
Robert: You should be happy with me! I told him to get you that book! It was my idea, not Raymond's! Me, mine, all me!
Ray: Wait, Robert-
Robert: Oh, you never even heard of "To Kill a Mockingbird"!
Ray: Oh yes, I did!
Robert: You did not. You never read the book, you never saw the movie! I bet you didn't even know there was a movie about it! Huh? Who's the star of the movie, Raymond?
Ray: What- What- What is the diff-
Robert: Gregory Peck! Gregory Peck! He played Atticus Finch! Gregory Peck! "All right, Scout, step aside while I shoot this rabid dog." He won the Oscar in 1962! You moron!

Marie: So you two didn't even help pick them out?
Robert: No no, I-I helped. I wrapped it.
Marie: Don't lie, Robbie. Everybody knows you can't work a tape dispenser with your giant fingers.

Ray: What's this guy talkin' about?
Debra: So you took credit for Robert's idea? You made up that whole city thing? You lied to me?
Robert: Yes, yes, and yes.
Amy: Robert, what are you doing?
Robert: What do you mean?
Amy: Why is it so important Debra knows that the book was your idea?
Robert: Because it's the truth! Raymond's a glory hog. He did it to Ma, and now he's doing it to Debra. He's got to be stopped!

Marie: Maybe you should take these figurines back. They should be in a happy home.
Ray: No. What are you talking about?
Marie: 'Cause every time I look at them now, I'll think of you boys fighting. Take them back.
Ray: Come on, Ma, I'm not taking them back.
Marie: Take them back. They're tainted.
Ray: I'm not taking them back! You're keeping 'em and you're gonna cherish 'em! I spent weeks trying to figure out what to get you! Weeks! And then I remembered you talking about your mom and her figurines. You think it's a coincidence that I got the same exact ones? I remembered! Then I went to every antique shop in the city until I found the little bastards! I didn't care how much it costs because it's what you wanted. And then you're telling me to take 'em back?! I won't! I just won't do it.

Ray: Okay, Ma, here you go. Happy birthday. Oh, this one's from me, Robert and Dad.
Marie: Oh, a present from my sweet sweet boys. And Frank. Oh! My mother had figurines like these and I used to stare at them, hoping that maybe when I grew up they could be mine. But one day they all broke. My mother fell into them when I told her I was marrying Frank. But now I have my very own set. Oh, thank you so much.
Ray: Ah, you're welcome.
Marie: Oh, thank you. Come here, Frank.
Frank: Let's not ruin the moment.

Frank: Nice job, Ray. Letting her know you paid more wasn't enough?
Robert: It was all part of his plan to find the glory and then hog it.
Ray: You know what? I'm sorry I bought the damn things.
Marie: Well, I'm sorry my birthday was an inconvenience.
Ray: No, Ma, I didn't mean-
Marie: You take them back. I can't look at them! [exits]
Frank: Well, Raymond, nice going. You ruined that old crow's birthday.

Ray: I've gotten you plenty of thoughtful stuff. Huh? You're not making any sense. Maybe you're delirious from lack of sex.
Debra: You mostly get me gift certificates and back-rub IOUs or stuff that I've had to hint that I wanted, like... Like these pajamas, for instance.
Ray: You never hinted about those pajamas.
Debra: I gave you the color, the size, directions to the store, directions from the front of the store to the pajama department. I still had to return them 'cause you got the wrong ones!
Ray: See, if you sleep naked, we don't have this problem.

Amy: Hi. We just came from across the street. It's not the holidays until you've seen Frank in his Santa-face underwear.