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‘Your Place or Mine?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Your Place or Mine?

107. Your Place or Mine?

Aired October 28, 1996

After an argument with Frank, Marie goes to stay in Ray's house, where she starts mothering him like a child again.

Quote from Debra

Marie: Where's your iron?
Debra: Oh, no, no, Marie. You don't have to iron our clothes.
Marie: Well, you know, you never know when relatives are gonna come barging in.
Debra: Ah, that's true.

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Quote from Marie

Marie: Maybe there's a big occasion and the house is filled with relatives.
Ray: Like what occasion, Ma?
Marie: I don't know. Birth, graduation, Christmas, death.
Ray: All my favorites.
Marie: I'm serious. God forbid if someone should die. If you were to die, Debra, everyone would be here. And imagine them up in that messy closet trying to pick out something for you to wear.
Ray: Ma.
Marie: And then afterwards, they'll want to take clothes. You drawers should be very neat, so they can look through it and see what they like.
Ray: So how will she die?
Marie: Oh. No, the thing is, you want to be remembered as a beautiful, clean person.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I went to the supermarket. Yeah, I want you to taste this great new thing they have now. It's called salsa.
Ray: I've had salsa, Dad.
Frank: No kidding?
Ray: Yeah, yeah.
Frank: I bet you never put it on a chip.
Ray: Yeah, even on a chip. I know. It's good.
Frank: Good? It's genius. And the woman in the supermarket was giving it away. No charge.
Ray: That's called a sample, Dad.
Frank: I must have had 50 of them. No, this woman, she was great. She had on a big sombrero, she was sitting on a plastic burro. Hey, I'll take you to see her.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Listen, Dad. About Mom, you can't-
Frank: Forget Mom. Look at me. This is the real me. I can do what I want, when I want and how I want it. I am a free man! Can you imagine what that feels like?
Ray: It's better if I don't.
Frank: Look, like tonight, no more women's entertainment. No Emma. No Sense and Sensibility. No Howard's End. I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Except the one where he gets pregnant.
Ray: What can I say? Look at you. Yeah, you're having a good time. All right. Good for you, Dad.
Frank: You want to join me later?
Ray: Oh, I might have to.
Frank: It's the perfect evening. Terminator II and salsa. [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] You'll be back.

Quote from Frank

Frank: That was not tuna salad. It had no celery in it.
Marie: So once I forgot the celery. So what?
Frank: So what? So it's not tuna salad. It had no bite. It had no crunch.
Marie: Oh, poor you.
Frank: Yeah, poor me. Raymond, what is it that makes tuna salad, tuna salad? [Ray is silent] Come on.
Ray: It's the celery.
Frank: Yeah, it's the celery that makes tuna salad, tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop.
Marie: I put in mayo, I put in dill, I put in pepper. I mashed it, I mixed it, I spread it. And you have the nerve to say slop to me.
Frank: Yes. Slop to you. Slop to you!
Ray: [to Debra] He was on the debate team.

Quote from Debra

Ray: I was thinking, my mother should probably spend a little more time here.
Debra: What happened? Didn't you talk to him?
Ray: I tried. I think I pushed a little too hard. 'Cause I let him have it and then he threw me out.
Debra: You're lying.
Ray: All right, how do you always know? How do you know? What, does my nose get longer?
Debra: I don't think that's possible.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, your father has finally done it.
Ray: What's that, buckle his pants?
Marie: I wish. That man has been sitting in front of the TV every day for 45 years. "Get me this. Get me that. You're clipping them too short." That ingrate can't stop hounding me for five minutes. [sees carpet stain] Ooh, that's interesting.
Debra: Yeah. We've seen the stain.
Marie: You know, Debra, for something like a spill, I find it best to wipe it the day it happens.

Quote from Frank

Frank: This is a nuthouse. I'll come back when it's calmer. Let's go, Marie.
Marie: I'm not coming.
Frank: But I'm still hungry.
Marie: And I'm still not coming. Chop your own damn celery.
Frank: Fine. Who needs you? I'll do it myself! [walks away, returns] Where are the knives? [Marie laughs] Never mind. I'll use my razor.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Anything she cooks for me, you're tasting first.
Ray: Don't worry, she'll be gone soon. My father can't last alone much longer.
Debra: Why don't you go in there and give her a little nudge?
Ray: Is it really our business?
Debra: Ray, she's in there chiseling my headstone.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Listen, we gotta talk.
Frank: All right, sit down. First, I want you to try something. I was someplace today I haven't been in 30 years. Guess where I went?
Ray: Uh... The barber.

Quote from Ray

Debra: What are you doing here without Frank? Where's Frank?
Ray: Right now, he's probably taping the toilet handle down, so he never has to flush.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Are you ready for the surprise?
Debra: Mmm, I'm starved.
Frank: Okay. Here it is.
Debra: Ooh, a dinner of eggs.
Frank: But not just any eggs. Eggs with salsa on them. They're called huevos rancheros. This dish is gonna sweep the nation. Yes, sir. Fill your face. I made mucho.
Debra: Thank you. That's really sweet of you, Frank.
Frank: I can be sweet. It takes people time to discover that. I'm sorry. Did I spray you a little?
Debra: That's okay.

Quote from Marie

Ray: What, all three kids asleep? How'd you do that?
Marie: What is it, hard? I cuddled them I read a story, I sang. You forget I'm a mother?
Ray: How could I? Listen, Ma, about Dad.
Marie: No, I'm not talking to him until he apologizes.
Ray: Yeah, but don't you think you should at least... Hey, what's the steak for?
Marie: My son.
Ray: You left the fat on? Debra always cuts the fat off.
Marie: On steak pizzaiola? What, do I look insane?
Ray: Steak pizzaiola, the real steak pizzaiola with the cheese on the top?
Marie: Of course. A thick layer. Why? Debra doesn't use cheese?
Ray: No, no. She cooks for health.
Marie: What could be healthier for you than the food you love?
Ray: Thank you, Doctor.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Look at this. I made a pecan pie. [Ray hugs Marie] Go take a nap. I'll call you when it's ready. Ooh, you want some milk to tide you over?
Ray: Okay.
Marie: Sit down. I got skim and whole in here.
Ray: I'll take whole.
Marie: You want some chocolate in it?
Ray: Okay.
Marie: I'll have some, too.
Robert: [enters] I found you.
Marie: Oh, Robbie, sit down. We're having chocolate milk. You want some?
Robert: Okay.
Marie: Oh, good boys. I love taking good care of my boys.
Ray: I like a lot of chocolate.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Hey, according to this, we can afford a car phone.
Ray: No. No car phone.
Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology?
Ray: Oh, I'm against technology?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Who introduced you to the Wonderbra?
Debra: Well, a man that radical should welcome a simple car phone.
Ray: Why? So you can just talk to your friends wherever you go? Look, just sweat it out. Soon the phone will be a little chip you can implant in your head.
Debra: Well, good. I can't wait.
Ray: Yeah, you would love that. "I got a call coming. Hi, Linda. How are you? Yeah. Oh, my other line. I gotta put you on hold. Julie. Hi, Julie. Linda's right here. No, I'll put you on conference. Don't go anywhere. How are you guys? Whoa, hold on guys. I'm getting a fax."

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