Debra: No, I think we were all a little bit insensitive.
Ray: Robert's got no sense of humor about himself.
Frank: That's right. You've got to be able to laugh at yourself. Look at me, I laugh at your mother all the time.
Marie: I'm not you, Frank.
Frank: I know. But I'm married to you, so the joke's on me.

Robert: All right. Now let's move on, Timmy. Don't you have a question for Ma? "Sure. Marie, is it? Hi, Marie. Okay. Now, when you get into the car what are you supposed to do before you begin driving?"
Marie: Oh, I know that. You buckle your seat belt.
Robert: "Good."
Marie: And you check your mirrors.
Robert: "Correct."
Marie: You look to the left, the right, and behind you.
Robert: "Very good. Anything else?"
Marie: No, I think that's it.
Robert: "Oh, that's it. She thinks that's it." Isn't that everything, Timmy? "Oh, yeah, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico?"
Ray: Well, that's awfully specific. ls that in the binder?
Marie: Robbie, that was 30 years ago.
Robert: I don't have a problem with it. [camera pans to Timmy]
Debra: Uh-oh.

Robert: "Yeah, remember that? Big road trip, fun family vacation. Driving out to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room."
Frank: How do you know? You weren't there!
Ray: Oh, we got a real battle of wits going on here.
Marie: We thought you were sleeping in the back. It was only an hour driving and then we noticed. We turned right around.
Robert: "Oh, only two hours. Excellent mothering."
Frank: I remember that. We missed the tribal dances. You would've liked that, Ray. I hear those ladies don't wear very much.
Robert: "Ah, Poor Raymond missed the tribal dances. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. Meanwhile, back at the rest stop a couple of truckers want to braid Robert's hair."
Marie: We happen to be very good parents, Timmy.
Robert: "Oh, yeah, great family, right? As long as everybody's eating, everybody's happy, right, Mama? Just ask your husband, Burp 'n' Slurp."

Robert: All right, Timmy, tell everybody what we'll be learning next.
Ray: Wait a minute, Robert. Come on, you're really going to do this?
Debra: Ray, this was your idea.
Ray: Did anybody hear me say "puppet"?
Robert: "That's quite enough out of you. Now why don't you sit down, Big Nose?"
Ray: What?
Frank: [chuckles] He called you "Big Nose."

Robert: All right, Timmy, let's behave ourself. We're here to teach traffic school. "Yeah, right. Okay, let's see who can answer this. When you're behind another vehicle, what is the proper following distance, Frank?"
Frank: Well, if the guy's going really slow, I like to be right on his butt. So if he looks back, he can read my lips.
Robert: No, Dad. It is one car length per 10 miles of speed. "Yeah, remind me to never drive with you, you crazy old bastard."
Frank: How's that?

Robert: My whole life, every time I felt bad for myself, Mom would say: "The family will help you. We'll make you feel better." I'd fall for it every time.
Ray: Well, Mom and Dad. You know, this parenting stuff, it's just not their field.
Robert: They did all right by you. You're the golden boy.
Ray: Will you stop that? They messed me up just as much as you, pal.
Robert: Yeah, you're as messed up as me?
Ray: Probably more so.
Robert: You're insulting me now?
Ray: You don't own "messed up." You were neglected. Try being smothered.
Robert: I used to pray for smothered.

Ray: Oh, you want smothered? How about in school when Mom became cafeteria monitor to make sure I ate all my food, kept my sweater on, and sat with her?
Robert: That was bad.
Ray: Yeah. All right?
Robert: And how about when you'd walk to school, and Mom would follow you the whole way?
Ray: She did?
Robert: Yeah, she'd hide from tree to tree.
Ray: Oh, my God. Oh, my- That's the crazy tree lady from the dreams.

Robert: Look, can we get back to the course, please? Who can answer this question? At 55 miles an hour, you will travel over 800 feet in 10 to 12 seconds. So will an oncoming truck. "To pass safely, how many feet will you need?" [Frank raises his hand] Dad.
Frank: Sign my thing.
Robert: Come on! What are you doing?
Debra: Robert, that question is really complicated. ls that something they would ask?
Robert: It's in the binder.
Debra: You know what? Maybe we don't have to do this class exactly like it is in the binder.
Robert: What do you mean? The binder's not just a guide, Debra. The binder is... binding.

Robert: There may not be any money. Got my first student evaluations today.
Marie: Yeah? What did they say, dear?
Robert: You want to know what they say? Okay, Ma, here's what they say: "This class is a sure cure for insomnia." "Next time, just please take away my license."
Marie: Nah, nah, that's just a couple of people. Who cares what they say?
Frank: "After 10 minutes, I wanted to take the officer's gun and end my misery."
Robert: I stink.
Debra: Come on, Robert. It was your first time teaching.
Robert: Yeah? The supervisor said it might be my last. He's sitting in on my class tomorrow.
Debra: Oh, well, that's not fair. You probably just need a little practice.
Robert: It's really not the type of thing you can practice. You know, it's all about relating to people.
Frank: You're a dead man.

Robert: Now, I would like each of you to tell us what offense led you to be here today. Let's start with Raymond.
Ray: I killed my brother.
Robert: Traffic offense.
Ray: Oh. Oh. Could you go lie down in the driveway for a minute?