Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Traffic School’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Traffic School

221. Traffic School

Aired April 20, 1998

When Robert practices his traffic school lesson on his family, he introduces a ventriloquist dummy, Traffic Cop Timmy, who voices some of Robert's lingering resentments.

Quote from Frank

Debra: No, I think we were all a little bit insensitive.
Ray: Robert's got no sense of humor about himself.
Frank: That's right. You've got to be able to laugh at yourself. Look at me, I laugh at your mother all the time.
Marie: I'm not you, Frank.
Frank: I know. But I'm married to you, so the joke's on me.

Rate

Quote from Robert

Robert: All right. Now let's move on, Timmy. Don't you have a question for Ma? "Sure. Marie, is it? Hi, Marie. Okay. Now, when you get into the car what are you supposed to do before you begin driving?"
Marie: Oh, I know that. You buckle your seat belt.
Robert: "Good."
Marie: And you check your mirrors.
Robert: "Correct."
Marie: You look to the left, the right, and behind you.
Robert: "Very good. Anything else?"
Marie: No, I think that's it.
Robert: "Oh, that's it. She thinks that's it." Isn't that everything, Timmy? "Oh, yeah, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico?"
Ray: Well, that's awfully specific. ls that in the binder?
Marie: Robbie, that was 30 years ago.
Robert: I don't have a problem with it. [camera pans to Timmy]
Debra: Uh-oh.

Quote from Robert

Robert: "Yeah, remember that? Big road trip, fun family vacation. Driving out to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room."
Frank: How do you know? You weren't there!
Ray: Oh, we got a real battle of wits going on here.
Marie: We thought you were sleeping in the back. It was only an hour driving and then we noticed. We turned right around.
Robert: "Oh, only two hours. Excellent mothering."
Frank: I remember that. We missed the tribal dances. You would've liked that, Ray. I hear those ladies don't wear very much.
Robert: "Ah, Poor Raymond missed the tribal dances. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. Meanwhile, back at the rest stop a couple of truckers want to braid Robert's hair."
Marie: We happen to be very good parents, Timmy.
Robert: "Oh, yeah, great family, right? As long as everybody's eating, everybody's happy, right, Mama? Just ask your husband, Burp 'n' Slurp."

Quote from Robert

Robert: Look, can we get back to the course, please? Who can answer this question? At 55 miles an hour, you will travel over 800 feet in 10 to 12 seconds. So will an oncoming truck. "To pass safely, how many feet will you need?" [Frank raises his hand] Dad.
Frank: Sign my thing.
Robert: Come on! What are you doing?
Debra: Robert, that question is really complicated. ls that something they would ask?
Robert: It's in the binder.
Debra: You know what? Maybe we don't have to do this class exactly like it is in the binder.
Robert: What do you mean? The binder's not just a guide, Debra. The binder is... binding.

Quote from Robert

Robert: All right, Timmy, tell everybody what we'll be learning next.
Ray: Wait a minute, Robert. Come on, you're really going to do this?
Debra: Ray, this was your idea.
Ray: Did anybody hear me say "puppet"?
Robert: "That's quite enough out of you. Now why don't you sit down, Big Nose?"
Ray: What?
Frank: [chuckles] He called you "Big Nose."

Quote from Robert

Robert: All right, Timmy, let's behave ourself. We're here to teach traffic school. "Yeah, right. Okay, let's see who can answer this. When you're behind another vehicle, what is the proper following distance, Frank?"
Frank: Well, if the guy's going really slow, I like to be right on his butt. So if he looks back, he can read my lips.
Robert: No, Dad. It is one car length per 10 miles of speed. "Yeah, remind me to never drive with you, you crazy old bastard."
Frank: How's that?

Quote from Robert

Robert: My whole life, every time I felt bad for myself, Mom would say: "The family will help you. We'll make you feel better." I'd fall for it every time.
Ray: Well, Mom and Dad. You know, this parenting stuff, it's just not their field.
Robert: They did all right by you. You're the golden boy.
Ray: Will you stop that? They messed me up just as much as you, pal.
Robert: Yeah, you're as messed up as me?
Ray: Probably more so.
Robert: You're insulting me now?
Ray: You don't own "messed up." You were neglected. Try being smothered.
Robert: I used to pray for smothered.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, you want smothered? How about in school when Mom became cafeteria monitor to make sure I ate all my food, kept my sweater on, and sat with her?
Robert: That was bad.
Ray: Yeah. All right?
Robert: And how about when you'd walk to school, and Mom would follow you the whole way?
Ray: She did?
Robert: Yeah, she'd hide from tree to tree.
Ray: Oh, my God. Oh, my- That's the crazy tree lady from the dreams.

Quote from Robert

Robert: There may not be any money. Got my first student evaluations today.
Marie: Yeah? What did they say, dear?
Robert: You want to know what they say? Okay, Ma, here's what they say: "This class is a sure cure for insomnia." "Next time, just please take away my license."
Marie: Nah, nah, that's just a couple of people. Who cares what they say?
Frank: "After 10 minutes, I wanted to take the officer's gun and end my misery."
Robert: I stink.
Debra: Come on, Robert. It was your first time teaching.
Robert: Yeah? The supervisor said it might be my last. He's sitting in on my class tomorrow.
Debra: Oh, well, that's not fair. You probably just need a little practice.
Robert: It's really not the type of thing you can practice. You know, it's all about relating to people.
Frank: You're a dead man.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Now, I would like each of you to tell us what offense led you to be here today. Let's start with Raymond.
Ray: I killed my brother.
Robert: Traffic offense.
Ray: Oh. Oh. Could you go lie down in the driveway for a minute?

Quote from Ray

Debra: Let's hear about your little offense.
Ray: What? It was nothing. I ran over one of those orange cones, that's all.
Frank: Tell her why.
Ray: I don't remember, Dad.
Frank: I remember. I was there. It had something to do with a halter top.
Ray: Okay.
Frank: Halted you pretty good.
Ray: Dad. [to Debra] You know how these things happen. You see somebody and you think they're naked. Then you look and they're just wearing a beige top. And the next thing you know, you've run over a couple of cones.
Robert: Reckless driving.
Debra: So you just ride around looking for naked?
Ray: Well, if it won't come to me...

Quote from Robert

Robert: No, Raymond was right. This doesn't have to be torture. I just got to learn to lighten up. And to that end, I'd like to introduce you to Traffic Cop Timmy!
Debra: Oh, my God.
Robert: Timmy's going to help teach us the rest of the class tonight. Isn't that right, Timmy? "10-4, Sarge."
Ray: Look, Robert. I'm sorry, what I said about lightening up here. This might be too light.
Robert: No, it's okay, Raymond. My partner Judy uses Timmy to teach the kids about safety and they all love her. "Yeah, and Judy has warmer hands." Sorry, Timmy.
Marie: Oh, Robbie, you're very good.
Frank: Hey, make his eyes move again. How do you do that?
Robert: I'm not doing anything. "Frank, why don't you park it over there? And I mean legally."

Quote from Robert

Frank: Hey, how come you haven't said anything about Debra yet?
Robert: "I don't have a problem with Debra. You're all right, cookie. Ha-cha-cha!"
Ray: I think traffic school's over now.
Frank: Me, too. I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.
Robert: "Yeah, sit down, shiny."
Frank: You want to start with me?
Ray: Dad, dad, dad. Puppet.
Robert: "Yeah, right. If it was Raymond's traffic school everybody would be sitting here without a peep. But the minute this poor slob needs something, everybody's too busy. Everybody makes with the jokes. Nobody cares. Come on, flatfoot. Let's get the hell out of here." [exits]
Ray: Timmy's mean.

Quote from Debra

Robert: Hey.
Debra: Hey.
Robert: [points to Frank & Marie's] There's nobody home.
Debra: I wonder what that's like.

Quote from Frank

Marie: How was your class today, dear? Did the children listen to you?
Robert: I teach traffic school, Ma.
Ray: Since when?
Robert: Since today. Lots of cops do it, you know. Chance to earn a little spending money.
Frank: How about spending a little on rent?

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode