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The Gift

‘The Gift’

Season 2, Episode 9 - Aired November 17, 1997

Ray and Robert break with tradition and each buy Frank a present on his 65th birthday.

Quote from Marie

Frank: Hey, it's not that fruit-of-the-month thing again, is it?
Ray: No, no, no.
Marie: Oh, that was the worst!
Frank: They're still coming! We got grapefruit out the wazoo!
Marie: You promised. You promised you'd stop them.
Debra: You're still on the computer. It's gonna take a couple of months.
Marie: Dear God!

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Quote from Ray

Ray: Don't you see? I've set a precedent now. I got him a tropical fish tank. Now every year I got to get him something bigger and better.
Debra: No, no, no. Nobody says you have to keep topping yourself.
Ray: Yes, you do. That's the way gifts are. You have to. You can't get him an aquarium one year and the next year, Isotoners.
Debra: Your dad loves the gift. Just enjoy the moment.
Ray: I've had no training for that.
Debra: The good news is you don't have to worry about this for a year.
Ray: You know nothing about worry. It's not that I don't have to worry for a year. It's that I have a year to worry.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Okay, I understand. That's more of the symbol thing. You don't want me to replace the fish because you don't want me to replace you when you, you know? When you're dead.
Frank: When I'm dead? What are you bringing that up for? I don't want you to replace the fish because I found out it costs $40! Who the hell buys a $40 fish? Salmon costs $13.95 a pound, and you can eat it!
Ray: That's what you're mad at?
Frank: Yeah, yeah. Then I find out the whole fish tank costs $600! Where do you get off spending that kind of money? How's that supposed to make me feel?
Ray: Happy?
Frank: Jeezalou. $600 on a box of water!

Quote from Frank

Frank: What the hell is this?
Robert: The remote boat.
Ray: A what?
Robert: A remote boat. Look. See? You put your remote controls right here. Then you can put your TV guide right here. That way you can take it to any chair. Maybe I'll go over here, I'll go over there. Right? And you have a special compartment for your soda.
Frank: Holy crap!

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, Ray. I got to hand it to you. That aquarium is a huge hit.
Ray: Yeah?
Debra: Everybody loves it. I mean, your mom can't stop talking about it and the kids are over there right now trying to pet the fish. Your dad just sits there and stares at it. He doesn't even come over here anymore. It's a miracle. [hugs Ray]

Quote from Frank

Ally: Where's Stan?
Marie: I think he's hiding in the treasure chest.
Ally: He's too big for the treasure chest.
Marie: No. I think he goes there sometimes just to get away from the other fish.
Frank: [opens serving hatch] He's not in the damn treasure chest. He's dead.
Ray: What?
Frank: That's what fish do. They die!
Ray: Dad, I'll replace him for you.
Frank: I don't want him replaced! Do me a favor, Ray! Don't get me any more presents! [closes serving hatch]

Quote from Ray

Ray: Maybe he had some weird bond with that fish. You know? Like Flipper.
Debra: All right. I don't think it was the particular fish, Ray. I think it was more of a symbolic thing.
Ray: You mean, like... What do you mean?
Debra: It's his 65th birthday and then, on top of that, Stan dies. You know, it's bound to bring up the question of his own mortality.
Ray: Okay, but it was Stan, "the Fish."
Debra: Yes, Ray, that's the symbolic part!
Ray: I don't think that's it.
Debra: Why not?
Ray: My father isn't that deep. He doesn't make those connections. He thinks the moral of the Adam and Eve story is: "Don't eat when you're naked."
Debra: No, Ray. I think that's definitely it and I think that your father is hiding his feelings. It's normal. You know, he's afraid of dying, and then you give him the gift of death.

Quote from Frank

Ally: Can we name them?
Frank: Yeah. Let's call these two Lee and Stan. And that big one with its mouth open we'll call Marie.

Quote from Ray

Andy: Hey, where have you been?
Ray: Thought I'd get a birthday card for my father.
Andy: Well, you got, like, six cards here.
Ray: I'm only getting him a card. So I got to get him a good one. Help me pick one out here.
Andy: These are all funny ones.
Ray: Yeah, you get him a funny card, he laughs at the card. You get him a sentimental one, he laughs at you.

Quote from Ray

Andy: Hey, here's a knee-slapper. It's a guy walking over a hill. Get it? Over the hill! He's old, your father.
Ray: Look at this one. This one's funny. On the front, it looks like big breasts. Not so fast. Open it up. The butt of a chimpanzee. My father wins either way.
Andy: Well, they're all so good. Why don't you just pick one?
Ray: You know what? It's got to be this one. The baby crying with a bowl of spaghetti dumped on his head.
Andy: That'll be funny to your father?
Ray: He laughed when he did it to me.

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