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‘The Gift’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Gift

209. The Gift

Aired November 17, 1997

Ray and Robert break with tradition and each buy Frank a present on his 65th birthday.

Quote from Marie

Frank: Hey, it's not that fruit-of-the-month thing again, is it?
Ray: No, no, no.
Marie: Oh, that was the worst!
Frank: They're still coming! We got grapefruit out the wazoo!
Marie: You promised. You promised you'd stop them.
Debra: You're still on the computer. It's gonna take a couple of months.
Marie: Dear God!

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Quote from Ray

Ray: Don't you see? I've set a precedent now. I got him a tropical fish tank. Now every year I got to get him something bigger and better.
Debra: No, no, no. Nobody says you have to keep topping yourself.
Ray: Yes, you do. That's the way gifts are. You have to. You can't get him an aquarium one year and the next year, Isotoners.
Debra: Your dad loves the gift. Just enjoy the moment.
Ray: I've had no training for that.
Debra: The good news is you don't have to worry about this for a year.
Ray: You know nothing about worry. It's not that I don't have to worry for a year. It's that I have a year to worry.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Okay, I understand. That's more of the symbol thing. You don't want me to replace the fish because you don't want me to replace you when you, you know? When you're dead.
Frank: When I'm dead? What are you bringing that up for? I don't want you to replace the fish because I found out it costs $40! Who the hell buys a $40 fish? Salmon costs $13.95 a pound, and you can eat it!
Ray: That's what you're mad at?
Frank: Yeah, yeah. Then I find out the whole fish tank costs $600! Where do you get off spending that kind of money? How's that supposed to make me feel?
Ray: Happy?
Frank: Jeezalou. $600 on a box of water!

Quote from Frank

Frank: What the hell is this?
Robert: The remote boat.
Ray: A what?
Robert: A remote boat. Look. See? You put your remote controls right here. Then you can put your TV guide right here. That way you can take it to any chair. Maybe I'll go over here, I'll go over there. Right? And you have a special compartment for your soda.
Frank: Holy crap!

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, Ray. I got to hand it to you. That aquarium is a huge hit.
Ray: Yeah?
Debra: Everybody loves it. I mean, your mom can't stop talking about it and the kids are over there right now trying to pet the fish. Your dad just sits there and stares at it. He doesn't even come over here anymore. It's a miracle. [hugs Ray]

Quote from Frank

Ally: Where's Stan?
Marie: I think he's hiding in the treasure chest.
Ally: He's too big for the treasure chest.
Marie: No. I think he goes there sometimes just to get away from the other fish.
Frank: [opens serving hatch] He's not in the damn treasure chest. He's dead.
Ray: What?
Frank: That's what fish do. They die!
Ray: Dad, I'll replace him for you.
Frank: I don't want him replaced! Do me a favor, Ray! Don't get me any more presents! [closes serving hatch]

Quote from Ray

Ray: Maybe he had some weird bond with that fish. You know? Like Flipper.
Debra: All right. I don't think it was the particular fish, Ray. I think it was more of a symbolic thing.
Ray: You mean, like... What do you mean?
Debra: It's his 65th birthday and then, on top of that, Stan dies. You know, it's bound to bring up the question of his own mortality.
Ray: Okay, but it was Stan, "the Fish."
Debra: Yes, Ray, that's the symbolic part!
Ray: I don't think that's it.
Debra: Why not?
Ray: My father isn't that deep. He doesn't make those connections. He thinks the moral of the Adam and Eve story is: "Don't eat when you're naked."
Debra: No, Ray. I think that's definitely it and I think that your father is hiding his feelings. It's normal. You know, he's afraid of dying, and then you give him the gift of death.

Quote from Ray

Andy: Hey, where have you been?
Ray: Thought I'd get a birthday card for my father.
Andy: Well, you got, like, six cards here.
Ray: I'm only getting him a card. So I got to get him a good one. Help me pick one out here.
Andy: These are all funny ones.
Ray: Yeah, you get him a funny card, he laughs at the card. You get him a sentimental one, he laughs at you.

Quote from Ray

Andy: Hey, here's a knee-slapper. It's a guy walking over a hill. Get it? Over the hill! He's old, your father.
Ray: Look at this one. This one's funny. On the front, it looks like big breasts. Not so fast. Open it up. The butt of a chimpanzee. My father wins either way.
Andy: Well, they're all so good. Why don't you just pick one?
Ray: You know what? It's got to be this one. The baby crying with a bowl of spaghetti dumped on his head.
Andy: That'll be funny to your father?
Ray: He laughed when he did it to me.

Quote from Frank

Ally: Can we name them?
Frank: Yeah. Let's call these two Lee and Stan. And that big one with its mouth open we'll call Marie.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Look, it was a bad gift to give you, and I want to apologize.
Frank: Okay, so we done?
Ray: No. No. No, no. See, I think maybe I understand why you're so upset about the dead fish.
Frank: I don't give a flying Wallenda about a dead fish.
Ray: Yeah, I know. I know, but I think maybe the fish was a symbol.
Frank: Huh?
Ray: The fish dying, I think maybe, made you think about. Not that it's going to happen anytime soon. I mean, everybody thinks about this. I think about it, too.
Frank: What in sweet hell are you talking about?

Quote from Frank

Ray: Come on, Dad. I wanted to do something nice!
Frank: Nice? That's more than I paid for my first car! Next year, why don't you get me a coffee mug that says: "l make more than you"? And if I want a fish tank, I'll get my own damn fish tank!
Ray: I know you can, Dad, but then it wouldn't be a gift.
Frank: You know what's a nice gift? I'll tell you. One of those magnetic coin holders for your car. $1.50 at any car wash! That's a nice thing for a son to give a father!
Ray: Dad, come on. Look, I make a good living. I can afford to buy you this.
Frank: I know! Okay? I know! How would you feel if little Geoffrey went out and got you some big, expensive thing?
Ray: I'd wonder why Michael didn't get me something. But then, I would feel proud. I'd feel proud that one of my boys could do that.
Frank: You think that's how you'd feel!
Ray: No, I would. I would feel proud. So you don't feel proud of me.
Frank: No, no, no, no. There's some of that. But then there's me. I still have to feel about me.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Oh, a sweater. Didn't you buy me a sweater once already?
Marie: But you didn't wear that one.
Frank: So why did you buy me another one?
Debra: It's a beautiful sweater, Marie.
Frank: I'm probably allergic to this.
Ray: See, Ma? I don't know why you keep trying. You're going to have to return it like always.
Marie: Nuh-uh. Not this year. It's a final sale item. No refunds and no exchanges.
Frank: That's what her parents said when we got married. [chuckles] I do like the buttons.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What the hell am I going to get my dad now? He's never liked anything I've ever gotten him. I thought I developed the perfect system: I get him nothing. He seemed to like that. I got everybody to go along with it, and all of a sudden he likes the remote boat.
Debra: Well, it is his 65th birthday, Ray.
Ray: Come on, you're the shopper. Help me.
Debra: Why don't you take him to a ball game?
Ray: Hmm. No. It's got to be something I ordered. That much we know. It's late because I ordered it. Hey. Hey, if I got him the universal remote, he wouldn't need the remote boat. [chuckles] Robert.
Debra: What about the TV guide and the soda?
Ray: Damn.

Quote from Ray

Ray: When we go to Wo-hop's, he always takes a table by the tropical fish tank. He likes that. Maybe I'll get him a fish tank.
Debra: Yeah. You know, that's good. That really is good, Ray.
Ray: Wait. Wait. Would I have had to order an aquarium? That's important. It has to fit in with my lie.
Debra: Maybe you special-ordered him a fish.
Ray: Special fish.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: I like that. I like that.
Debra: Good.
Ray: Somebody, some scuba diver in Fiji is just combing the coral reefs looking for Frank Barone's very special fish. That's it. That's our story.
Debra: Good, Ray.
Ray: Okay. Now repeat it back to me.

Quote from Marie

Marie: The other night we ate dinner in here just so we could watch the fish.
Ray: No kidding?
Marie: Not tonight, though. We're having baked salmon.


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