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‘Jazz Records’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Jazz Records

810. Jazz Records

Aired December 15, 2003

Ray tries to make up for the ruining Frank's jazz records as a kid by buying him CDs of his favorite albums.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Look, see. Listen. When you get the plastic off, all you do is insert the disc, you close the tray, put the selector on CD, and press "play."
Marie: We're not astronauts, Raymond.
Ray: Fine. I'll write it down for you, Ma.

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Quote from Frank

Frank: [chuckles] What goes around comes around, huh, Ray?
Ray: What do you mean?
Frank: Just like when you ruined my jazz records.
Ray: Oh, all right. Dad, look, we all know the story, okay, so not again.
Frank: Why not? It's a short story. Once upon a time, I had great jazz records. You were born, now I don't.
Ray: All right! You know, you've been on me for this for over 30 years.
Frank: I believe it was the winter of '69.
Ray: Will you stop it?
Frank: I had just come home from a hard day's work...

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, Marie, let's go. I need a damn sandwich before I get cranky.
Ray: Dad, look at all this stuff. It's just sittin' here.
Frank: What, Mount Crapmore?
Ray: This stuff, it's not crap, Dad. Mom, you should put this microwave in the kitchen. It's great. Debra has the same model.
Marie: Well, I'm sold.
Ray: Dad, you want a pot roast? You can have it in 15 minutes with this.
Marie: I can get it in 10 with this. [points to Marie]
Ray: Okay, how about this, automatic garage-door opener? You don't gotta break your back liftin' the door. [Frank points to Marie again]

Quote from Frank

Frank: This is where I used to listen to 'em. I'd come home from a hard day's work, your mother would mix me a drink, I'd come down here, put on the hi-fi, and let Duke and Dizzy take me away... from your mother.
Ray: I almost got it, Dad.
Frank: Then one day, I came down, and where my records used to be, you had set up your stupid race-car track thing. My records were over there, pushed up against the furnace. They didn't stand a chance.

Quote from Debra

Ray: I'll tell you what. My mother and my father, we're through with 'em!
Debra: You read my letter to Santa.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I wanna say something. That Christmas day in 1969... Um...
Debra: What is it, Robert?
Robert: [mumbles] I'm gonna tell you what it is right now. All right. That Christmas I wanted the Hot Wheels race-track set so bad. I would see those commercials, and I would think, "This is my year, man." I could see myself setting up that beautiful bright orange track with the maroon connectors. And you know what was under the tree waitin' for me? Custom-order corrective shoes.
Marie: Well, Dr. Fishman said that they were the best for oversized feet.
Robert: I looked over, I saw Raymond elbow deep in a box of Hot Wheels. My Hot Wheels.
Ray: [gasps] You moved his records.
Robert: Excuse me. May I finish my story, please?
Amy: Go ahead, Robert.
Robert: Ah, Thank you very much, sweetie. [to Ray] I hated you. You got my Hot Wheels for Christmas. Everything I ever dreamed abou, the track, the cars, the loop-de-loop.
Ray: You moved his records.
Robert: Later that day, after Raymond was tired of playing with his new Hot Wheels for a total of four minutes, I pulled off my clunky corrective shoes and slipped downstairs. Now it was my turn. Raymond, of course, had the track set up all wrong. An oval. Oh, what a visionary you are. I wanted to set it up like the kid on the box... that happy, brotherless boy. And, in doing so your records may have been moved.
Frank: They may have?
Robert: I moved your records.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Listen, you got a CD player?
Marie: Yes, we do. Would you like it? Because we need the space.
Ray: No, Ma. We gave it to you.
Marie: And we love it.
Ray: Okay, all right, where is it?
Marie: It's over there.
Ray: Oh my God, look at all this stuff!
Marie: Ooh, would you like a popcorn popper? You didn't give us that, did you?
Ray: Here it is. The CD player Debra and I got you. And look at this, it's a clock radio. A DVD player. A microwave oven. Another microwave oven. Look at this. You didn't even finish taking the wrapping off.
Marie: Well, we don't need an electrical knife. Cutting meat is your father's only exercise.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Debra, what the hell happened to my dictionary?
Debra: Oh, yeah, Ray. I'm sorry. I was going to tell you. I caught the boys sliding down the stairs on it.
Ray: Oh, come on. It's ruined. Look at this. The leather binding's all coming off, the pages are missin', the cover's comin' off it.
Robert: Calm down, Ray. It's just a dictionary.
Ray: It's not "just a dictionary," Robert, all right? I won this in the seventh-grade spelling bee.
Robert: Ah. Another one of Raymond's triumphs. Seventh-grade spelling. Gosh, what word put you over the top, Raymond? "Boat"?
Ray: For your information, I had to spell "vacuum." Okay? Two "U's." Or two "C's." I don't know 'cause there's no "V" in here.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, if you're gonna do this, then just go home. Tell your story somewhere else.
Robert: Yeah, let's get Ma to make us some hot chocolate.
Frank: Ray, if you need me, I'll be across the street not listening to my favorite jazz records. You never touched my stuff, Robert. It's too bad Ray wasn't more like you.
[As Frank leaves he closes the door behind him, causing Robert to walk into it]
Ray: Putz. P-U-T-Z. The putz walked into the door. Putz.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, Mom, what are you doin'?
Marie: Well, your father says the dryer makes his pants too tight.
Ray: I think that's the refrigerator.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Look at all those wires. You know what loves wires? Dust.
Frank: Don't touch my tools.
Ray: I don't need tools, Dad.
Marie: Look how complicated it looks.
Ray: Ma, it's simple. You just plug it in.
Frank: Yeah, I can see the electric company rubbin' their mitts together right now.
Ray: Dad, it only uses a little power, and it's easy to use. You just push that button, you open up the tray, you grab a CD, and you pop it in. Voila! Just gotta- You take the wrapping off put the thing in. [Marie walks away] All right. A little, uh...
Marie: [holding electric knife] Raymond, maybe you could use this.
Ray: I don't need that, Ma.
Frank: Maybe you could use a blowtorch.

Quote from Debra

Ray: He's- He's unbelievable! You know, I try to do something nice. I- I try to make things right.
Debra: Uh... Ray? [removes the bra stuck to Ray's shirts] What happened over there?
Ray: This is my mother's. You wanna know what happened? Nothing happened. He wouldn't listen to the CDs because they're not records. Ew!
Debra: All right. Calm down.
Ray: Listen, you gotta get rid of that.
Debra: Okay, I'll wrap it. I need a stocking stuffer for your mother anyway. At least I know she'll like it.

Quote from Ray

Debra: What are you doing?
Ray: I'm waiting for my parents. When they come home, I'm gonna play the CD. They're out doin' their last-minute, Christmas Eve, save-a-dollar-on-tinsel shopping.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Holy crap!
Ray: Too loud. I'm sorry.
Debra: Turn it down!
Ray: I'm trying. You're blockin' the laser beam thing. See, with a CD, you can turn it loud, no distortion.
Marie: Oh, my heart. Oh, my eggs.
Frank: What are you tryin' to do to us?
Marie: Oh, that was awful, Raymond.
Frank: Yes, and these ornaments were on sale.
Ray: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wanted to give you the opportunity to hear your jazz records Iike you've never heard 'em before.
Frank: Yeah, that's like I've never heard 'em before. I didn't realize it was gonna be the soundtrack to my funeral.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Ho ho ho!
Debra: Watch out, watch out, watch out!
Robert: What am I sittin' in?
Marie: Eggs... and eggnog.
Robert: And what is very sharp?
Frank: That might be the menorah.
Robert: Menorah?
Frank: It was a big sale.

Quote from Frank

Amy: What happened here?
Marie: Oh, it was Raymond's horrible machine.
Ray: It's not a horrible machine, Mom. It's a CD player. Please, let me just play you one song.
Marie: Oh, God, no! He's gonna turn it on again!
Frank: I don't wanna hear any CDs. It's bad enough you ruined my records, you ruined my floor, my ornaments, and my cook!
Ray: Look, please, just listen to it.
Frank: No!
Ray: But listen!
Frank: No!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Huh? Listen to that sound. It's like Oscar Peterson is sittin' right here at the piano. Play it, Oscar. Play it, you swingin' jazz cat. [Frank turns the CD player off] What are you doin'?
Frank: I want to hear my jazz records.
Ray: You just can't give it to me, can ya? Those CDs, they sound great, and you know it, but you can't give it up. You just gotta keep torturin' me.
Frank: I loved those damn albums. I was hoping someday you might love them too instead of your hippie jungle crap.
Marie: Those Beatles were awful, Raymond.
Ray: I know, Dad. I know you loved 'em. That's all I ever heard. "Shut up, kids! I'm listenin' to my records!"
Frank: Then why the hell did you ruin 'em?
Ray: I don't remember. I was 10! Why do you keep taking this out on me?
Frank: 'Cause you did it!
Ray: Well, I didn't do it on purpose!
Frank: I'm not so sure!

Quote from Frank

Ray: Great. So what am I supposed to do with my CDs now?
Frank: You take them, you listen to them, you might like them. You should try to keep an open mind about things.

Quote from Marie

Amy: Oh, look, Marie. There's one more thing left in your stocking.
Marie: Thank you, dear. "To Marie from Debra." [unwraps bra] Oh! Thank you, Debra.
Debra: You like it?
Marie: Well, to be honest, it's not a style I'd ever wear. Nice try, though.


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