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‘Look, Don't Touch’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Look, Don't Touch

105. Look, Don't Touch

Aired October 11, 1996

Ray feels guilty about finding a new waitress at Nemo's attractive.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Hello, dear.
Debra: Oh, hi, how are you?
Marie: Good. Good. Where are the children?
Debra: Oh, I got them plugged in. Barney's in charge for the next half hour.
Marie: [chuckles] Well, enjoy your break. You deserve it, honey. I remember, before television, we actually had to be with the kids.

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Quote from Ray

Debra: Just tell me one thing. Do you wish I looked like Angelina?
Ray: No, of course not. How could I tell you apart?
Debra: What is it with you guys? Why is it when one of you sees a pretty girl he becomes a basket case? Why is how a woman looks the most important thing?
Ray: That's God's way. That's why the eyes are in front. If what a woman said was the most important then the ears would be here. That's just natural selection. There were guys like that, but they died out.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Ray, wake up. Ray, wake up. Wake up.
Ray: [wakes up] There's pudding everywhere!
Debra: Ray, I think I hear something.
Ray: Does it sound like you talking?
Debra: Come on, Ray, I'm serious.
Ray: All right. All right. How come I'm the noise checker-outer?
Debra: Because it would look pathetic on the news if I were beaten up while you were sleeping. Careful, honey, it could be dangerous.
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: And Ray if it's nothing dangerous, could you get me a yogurt?
Ray: Okay.
Debra: In fact get me a yogurt either way.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I didn't go to Nemo's.
Debra: Well, your wallet made it there somehow. Do you have your wallet? [Ray pats his pockets] She said she just waited on you.
Ray: Oh, Nemo's, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Might have been a waitress over there. Even though we usually go to the counter. But today Nemo forced us into this table, where the waitresses go. So we had to have a waitress. Not "have" a waitress. We had waitress service.
Debra: So how pretty is she?
Ray: Uh, I didn't say she was pretty.
Debra: You didn't have to. You're being so defensive about it. My gosh, you'd think something was going on.
Ray: [chuckles] No, no, no, no. No, no.
Debra: You're a freak.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Come on, can't you be honest? Look, Ray, if you saw someone pretty today, you could tell me.
Ray: I saw nothing.
Debra: Wow, she must be beautiful.
Ray: Look, she's Nemo's niece. How beautiful can she be, huh? You've seen Nemo. All right, look, some men might find her attractive. Nothing like you, though. Which means that you are the more attractive one. I... I have the right to an attorney.
Debra: Okay, so she's beautiful. That's all I wanted to know. No big deal.
Ray: Good. So it's over, done. All right, what's for dinner?
Debra: Lasagna. So would you sleep with her if we weren't married?
Ray: What? No!
Debra: Let's just pretend I didn't exist.
Ray: I don't like this ride. It's scary.
Debra: What are you afraid of?
Ray: [stops Debra from grating Parmesan] Look, if you didn't exist I'd never meet another woman because I'd be a sailor. I'd just sail around the world by myself married to the salt and the sea.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Okay, so you're a sailor. You pull into the port of Queens to take on supplies and you go ashore to Nemo's. You know, you're lonely from this long journey and you come upon this lovely pizza wench. Would you sleep with her?
Ray: You don't exist?
Debra: It's like It's A Wonderful Life. There's no Debra.
Ray: Well, then it's not a wonderful life, is it? [hugs Debra] How many months have I been at sea?
Debra: Seven.
Ray: And there's no wind, there's nothing, I'm just stuck there for a long time?
Debra: No me, no wind, stuck on shore.
Ray: Well, yeah. Sure, yeah. I guess so. Break out the Funky Cold Medina.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Dad, why are you here?
Frank: [chuckles] I came to see the new waitress.
Ray: Oh, God, Dad!
Ray: Hey, relax, I'm having lunch.
Angelina: Hi, will you be joining them?
Frank: Holy crap! Yes. Yes, I will, thank you.
Angelina: Okay. What can I get for you?
Frank: I'll have a meatball sandwich, dear.
Angelina: And to drink?
Frank: A non-alcoholic beer, s'il vous plait.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Have you been getting enough rest? Because you look a little tired.
Debra: Well, occupational hazard.
Marie: Oh, boy. Honey, I know. I've been there. [chuckles] Have you ever wondered why Frank and I have such a good relationship?
Debra: No.
Marie: Well, you know, it's because I know the importance of keeping up my appearance. Here's something I use for those little wrinkles around the eyes.
Debra: Marie, this is hemorrhoid cream.
Marie: It stings a little, but it really works, see? You might want to try it.

Quote from Marie

Marie: So how are things between you and Ray?
Debra: Well, I'm not sure we need this.
Marie: Well, you know me, Debra I'm the last person who'd want to cause any trouble. But I've heard some things.
Debra: Things? [Marie nods] Marie, all Ray did was leave his wallet at Nemo's.
Marie: Ooh, I said too much. Maybe I should go. I was never here.
Debra: Marie, I'm not worried about Ray.
Marie: Oh, I trust Ray, too. I don't trust that pizza parlor puttana.

Quote from Ray

Bernie: Come here, I thought we'd eat at the booth today.
Ray: Why? You breaking up with me?

Quote from Ray

Angelina: And you?
Ray: Okay, water. I'll just start with a glass, though. And then what, we're going to have the usual?
Angelina: I just started on Saturday. Nobody has a usual yet.
Ray: It's four slices, everything on it.
Angelina: That should be an occasional.

Quote from Ray

Bernie: Man, look at her. If I wasn't married, you know what I'd do?
Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day.

Quote from Ray

Bernie: Come on. You don't think she's hot?
Ray: Yeah, she's all right. Relax, you're gonna pull a muscle.
Bernie: She's all right? She's built like the lady from the mud flaps.
Ray: Mud flaps?
Bernie: You know, the lady you see on the trucks. You know, like this.
Ray: Don't you do it.
Angelina: Your order will be up in just one minute.
Bernie: Did you smell her?
Ray: No, I read the sign, Bernie. "Thank you for not smelling the help."

Quote from Ray

Bernie: Come on. What are you looking so guilty about?
Ray: That's my natural look.
Bernie: Look, lighten up. You didn't do anything wrong.
Ray: Let me tell you something. This has been bothering me. I did not need that much Parmesan cheese.

Quote from Ray

Bernie: You know who she smells like? Do you remember Carla D'Amico from high school?
Ray: Yeah, Carla D'Amico. She smelled like vanilla and apple and strawberry. You know what she was like? The syrup caddy at the House of Pancakes.
Bernie: Let's go there later.

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