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‘Jealous Robert’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Jealous Robert

607. Jealous Robert

Aired November 5, 2001

Robert is jealous after he learns Gianni joined Amy on a night out with Debra and Ray.

Quote from Frank

Frank: You know, this knob is nothing. I was once so jealous over your mother that I put my fist through a DeSoto.
Ray: You punched a car?
Frank: Yeah. Your mother and I were still dating when she started to turn the screws on me to get engaged. But there was still plenty of fish in the sea, and I wasn't ready to hang up my tackle box. Then I hear through the grapevine she's gonna make dinner for Chuck Pecorella. Long story short, I spent the night in the hospital trying to pull his headlight out of my knuckle.
Ray: You got that way over mom?
Frank: Yeah. I don't know. When your mother cooks, it's something... What do you call it? Special. I didn't want her doing that for some other guy. They stitched up my hand. I went straight to her house and from then on, she cooks only for me.
Ray: Wow. I didn't know that's how it all started. That's a nice story, Dad.
Frank: Yeah, I don't like to tell it 'cause it doesn't have a happy ending.

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Quote from Marie

Ray: I'm telling Robert.
Debra: Wait a minute. Let me ask you something. You want Robert to be alone for the rest of his life?
Ray: No, but still...
Debra: Don't you think Robert deserves to be happy and to have a family?
Ray: Yes, but it's just supposed to happen. You're evil. I'm telling Robert.
Marie: You hold it right there, Raymond. Years ago, I gave birth to two beautiful boys and I wanted nothing more than to see them grow up, get married, and give me grandchildren. Now, if you want to take that dream away from me, by all means, you go and tell that to Robert. And I'll just be back across the street living out the rest of my life as best I can with a hole in my heart.

Quote from Marie

Robert: How can this help out any relationship? This is sick! It's sick!
Debra: Sorry, Robert. We didn't mean it to go this far.
Robert: Oh, really? How was it supposed to go, huh?
Marie: Well, I'll tell you. Back when your father and I were seeing each other, he found out that I had a date with a man called Chuck Pecorella. And Frank came running back to me. It was so sweet. It was the first time he ever expressed his true emotions.
Ray: Yeah, Ma, those were his true emotions 'cause it wasn't a scheme. It just happened.
Marie: Don't be naive, Raymond.
Ray: What? What do you mean?
Marie: Chuck Pecorella was gay.
Ray: What?
Marie: Your father didn't need to know that. All he needed to know was what he was feeling.

Quote from Ray

Marie: So what's the matter with Robert? Does it have to do with Amy?
Ray: Yeah. How'd you know that?
Marie: Well, he was over at the house for breakfast, and I happened to mention that Gianni went with Amy to the play last night.
Ray: Of course. That's how he knew. "Eyes all over the city."

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How could you tell my mom two days ago about Gianni and Amy when your friend didn't cancel till yesterday?
Debra: I don't know, Ray. I'm late. Who cares when I told her?
Ray: Oh, my God! There was no canceled ticket, was there? Huh? You planned this whole thing!
Debra: What thing?
Ray: This- This "Get Robert jealous" thing.
Debra: Please. Why would I do that?
Ray: Because- Because Amy's your friend, and Robert broke up with her, and this will make him run back to her, and men are bad, and women have to stick together so one day they can be president!

Quote from Ray

Debra: Let me tell you something. The fact that Robert got jealous only means he still has feelings for her.
Ray: You did do it. And the genius part of it all was leaking it to my mother. Because you knew. Oh, you knew that telling her was just like whispering it into Robert's ear. Unbelievable. You believe that, Ma? She played you. She played you like a fiddle! [Marie is silent] Mom! Mom?
Marie: Your eggs are ready, Raymond.
Ray: Oh my God! You're in on it! This is it's sick! Who else is in on it? Amy and Gianni in on the whole thing, too?
Marie: All I needed was Debra.
Ray: It was your idea?!
Marie: Yes, it was, and it's a good one. Robert needed this to happen to him so he could realize what Amy meant to him before it's too late.
Ray: But you can't do this. You're trying to create fate! You can't create fate. Then it's not fate. Then it's like voodoo. This is unbelievable. The two of you are finally working together.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wait a minute! They set this whole thing up, Robert, to get you jealous. They put Amy and Gianni together. It was a big scheme. Don't you go back out with Amy because of what just happened. You think about how you feel and not how they say you feel. They're throwin' the voodoo at you! And look at what happened, huh? People are starting to get hurt. Let me tell you something, ladies, you're not going to stop me from doing what's right, because you cannot manufacture love! [falls down]

Quote from Frank

Frank: All right. The knob's fixed. But go easy on it, 'cause it ain't giant-proof.
Robert: I think I'm going to go home and work my way through a carton of Ho-Hos.
Marie: You know what, dear? Tomorrow maybe you and I can pick up Amy and drop by Robert's apartment, and then the four of us can work this whole thing out.
Robert: You stay away from me... women! I'm starting to think maybe Chuck Pecorella has the right idea.
Frank: What? Chuck Pecorella?
Marie: Never mind, Frank.
Frank: That guy owes me. I'm serving his life sentence!

Quote from Debra

Ray: Boy, Amy and Gianni really got something going, don't they?
Debra: All right, Ray. I saw.
Ray: I'm just sayin' they were really diggin' each other.
Debra: Okay, Ray. You were right.
Ray: I was right.
Debra: Should've learned my lesson the first time.
Ray: What do you mean, first time?
Debra: Oh, it was nothing. I had this boyfriend in college, and he was really something. When he broke up with me, I had this whole plan to get him back.
Ray: What did you do?
Debra: I married you.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, glad you're here. Either one of you free tonight?
Gianni: Debra, this is a little uncomfortable. I mean, right in front of Ray?
Debra: No, seriously. Ray and I are going to a play with some friends tonight. We have an extra ticket.
Andy: Is there nudity?
Debra: All right, come on! Gianni. It's an extra ticket that's gonna go to waste. It's just me, Ray, and Amy.
Andy: Robert's Amy?
Debra: No, it's just Amy. She dropped the "Robert" when they broke up.

Quote from Ray

Debra: All right, forget it. I'll give the extra ticket to one of my girlfriends.
Ray: Oh, no, three women and me at a play? Gianni, please go, come on. I'll buy you dinner.
Gianni: All right, I'll go.
Ray: Gianni's going!
Debra: All right.
Ray: Good. This is what a true friend is for. You saved me.
Andy: If you get one with nudity, I'm in!

Quote from Ray

Robert: So, I heard you went on a little double date with Amy and Gianni.
Ray: It wasn't a date. How'd you know about that anyway?
Robert: What, are you forgetting I'm a cop? I got eyes all over the city, baby.
Ray: Yeah, any of those eyes watch you get dressed this morning?

Quote from Robert

Robert: So did they sit next to each other in the theater?
Debra: Who, Amy and Gianni? Yeah, those are the seats we had.
Robert: Ah, the assigned seats. Good for you. That's the way to go. Oh, my Iookin' like we're gonna get a little rain today.
Ray: Nah, really?
Robert: Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. So, what do they have there, seats with armrests?
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: Did they share one? Did they share an armrest?

Quote from Ray

Robert: I just want to make sure that she's not getting hurt.
Ray: Gettin' hurt?
Robert: Yeah. You know what Gianni is like, Raymond, when it comes to the women. What are you talking about? Oh, you don't have to play dumb, Raymond. You're the one always beggin' him to tell his latest erotic escapade.
Ray: What are you lyin' for liar? Don't drink our coffee and lie like that.
Debra: Nice try.

Quote from Robert

Debra: Look, I know you're concerned about Amy, Robert, but she's an adult, and she's not gonna let anybody take advantage of her.
Robert: Yep, you're right. You're right. She can handle herself. Well, I should be getting out of here before that rain starts. That's really all I was worried about. She is free to date whoever she wants, and if that's a "ladies' man" like Gianni, so be it. I hope they're happy. I really do! [pulls the door handle off]

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