Marie: So that's how you both fell? A race around the house, which you often do as a tradition?
Ray: Uh, yeah.
Frank: Stupid, humped-up termite trap!
[Frank falls through the stairs into the basement]
Marie: Oh, my God! Frank, are you all right?
Frank: [o.s.] Holy crap!
Marie: Don't move, I'm coming right down!
Frank: [o.s.] I'm in enough pain!

Marie: What I don't understand is, how did you both fall? Were you going down the stairs at the same time?
Ray: Yes, we were. That is indeed what we did do.
Marie: But why?
Ray: I don't know. It was kind of like a Jack and Jill situation. I went, and then she, you know... Came tumbling after.
Marie: I don't understand.
Ray: Well, there's no shame in that. We all get old.

Frank: I was thinkin' it should be pretty easy to finish those stairs. The hard part's already done... where I fall through them.
Ray: Yeah, well, you know, it's all right. I can hire somebody to do it now.
Frank: No, no, no. No way. I want to fix your stairs. Me, not some guy!
Ray: That's nice. But listen, I feel bad you got hurt, so... So... l...
Frank: Hey, don't feel bad. This is what it's all about.
Ray: What do you mean?
Frank: I'm not an idiot. Remember when you were a kid, you gave me that mug that said "World's Greatest Dad"? I hated that. Because I knew I was not that mug. And now you've got kids of your own... The way you are with them...
Ray: What? What, Dad?
Frank: I liked it when you moved in across the street, 'cause I could come to your house, you could come to my house. Nothin' much, just doin' stuff, watchin' the game, playin' some pool. By the way, one of us should get a pool table. It's good what we got... 'cause we're pals now.

Doctor: You're doing surprisingly well after taking such a fall, Mr. Barone. No injuries other than a broken rib.
Marie: Thank God! [kisses Frank]
Frank: You heard what he said. I'm fine. No kissing.
Marie: I told him not to fix the stairs. I knew something like this would happen. I can't bear to see him hurt. Why are you such a stubborn idiot?!
Frank: Doctor, can I have this removed?
Marie: Doctor, before you go, is there such a thing as a personality transplant?

Ray: All right, here you go.
Debra: So how's that rib doin', Frank?
Frank: Oh, it's coming along, although I still can't burp the way I like.
Ray: Well, you stick to your rehab.
Frank: I'm happy to be out of that hospital. They had me so drugged up, I didn't know whether I was comin' or goin'.
Marie: I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm gonna call Mexico and try to get some for the house.

Marie: Doctor, while you're still here, would you just take a look at my son's wrist?
Frank: Yeah, and, Ray, when was the last time someone looked at that testicle?
Ray: Dad!
Frank: What? No one's checked it since he was a kid.
Ray: It's all right, Dad.
Frank: Hey, hey, hey, nothin' to be ashamed of.
Ray: Okay, Dad.

Ray: Look, this is not our fault.
Debra: Yes, it is! This is 30% my fault and 70% yours!
Ray: Where do you come up with those figures?
Debra: You started the whole thing. None of this would have happened if you didn't have to tell all your friends what a big stud you are!
Ray: Oh, why couldn't the nurse hear that? Look, the truth is, none of this would've happened if you didn't have that second glass of wine that night, okay? Or if you let me buy a king-size bed. Or if just once, God forbid, you listen to me, and we could start on the floor!

Ray: Debra and I didn't fall down the stairs.
Frank: What?
Ray: We actually hurt ourselves in the, you know, bedroom.
Frank: A bedroom race?
Ray: No. No, there are no races, Dad.
Frank: But they're a tradition.
Ray: We... We fell off the bed, both of us. Hmm? Dad. We fell off the bed when we were having sex. That's how we got hurt.
Frank: Then this is about your testicle.
Ray: What? No. Dad, no, it's not. I lied to you. I told you the stairs were bad so you wouldn't know what Debra and I were doing, and you wouldn't have broken your rib if it wasn't for me, and I'm buying you a satellite dish, all right?
Frank: Oh. Now, that's a good story. Why didn't you just tell me that story?
Ray: Because it's like a sex story. And I don't feel comfortable, you know, telling you that kind of stuff. It's...
Frank: But we're pals.
Ray: Okay. We're pals.

Robert: Dad, those nachos were for me.
Frank: I like cheese. You knew the risks.

Frank: But, Doctor, really, you should take a look in his shorts.
Ray: No!
Frank: There's a problem with one of the man berries.
Ray: Dad! It's... Never mind.
Doctor: Okay, then, if you don't need me, Mr. Barone, you try and take it easy.
Frank: Okay. And, hey, you take it easy, too. Hey! Peace.