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‘Frank Goes Downstairs’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Goes Downstairs

606. Frank Goes Downstairs

Aired October 29, 2001

Frank injures himself fixing Ray's staircase after being told it was the cause of Ray and Debra's bedroom-related injuries.

Quote from Frank

Marie: So that's how you both fell? A race around the house, which you often do as a tradition?
Ray: Uh, yeah.
Frank: Stupid, humped-up termite trap!
[Frank falls through the stairs]
Marie: Oh, my God! Frank, are you all right?
Frank: [o.s.] Holy crap!
Marie: Don't move, I'm coming right down!
Frank: [o.s.] I'm in enough pain!

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Quote from Ray

Marie: What I don't understand is, how did you both fall? Were you going down the stairs at the same time?
Ray: Yes, we were. That is indeed what we did do.
Marie: But why?
Ray: I don't know. It was kind of like a Jack and Jill situation. I went, and then she, you know... Came tumbling after.
Marie: I don't understand.
Ray: Well, there's no shame in that. We all get old.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I was thinkin' it should be pretty easy to finish those stairs. The hard part's already done... where I fall through them.
Ray: Yeah, well, you know, it's all right. I can hire somebody to do it now.
Frank: No, no, no. No way. I want to fix your stairs. Me, not some guy!
Ray: That's nice. But listen, I feel bad you got hurt, so... So... l...
Frank: Hey, don't feel bad. This is what it's all about.
Ray: What do you mean?
Frank: I'm not an idiot. Remember when you were a kid, you gave me that mug that said "World's Greatest Dad"? I hated that. Because I knew I was not that mug. And now you've got kids of your own... The way you are with them...
Ray: What? What, Dad?
Frank: I liked it when you moved in across the street, 'cause I could come to your house, you could come to my house. Nothin' much, just doin' stuff, watchin' the game, playin' some pool. By the way, one of us should get a pool table. It's good what we got... 'cause we're pals now.

Quote from Frank

Doctor: You're doing surprisingly well after taking such a fall, Mr. Barone. No injuries other than a broken rib.
Marie: Thank God! [kisses Frank]
Frank: You heard what he said. I'm fine. No kissing.
Marie: I told him not to fix the stairs. I knew something like this would happen. I can't bear to see him hurt. Why are you such a stubborn idiot?!
Frank: Doctor, can I have this removed?
Marie: Doctor, before you go, is there such a thing as a personality transplant?

Quote from Marie

Ray: All right, here you go.
Debra: So how's that rib doin', Frank?
Frank: Oh, it's coming along, although I still can't burp the way I like.
Ray: Well, you stick to your rehab.
Frank: I'm happy to be out of that hospital. They had me so drugged up, I didn't know whether I was comin' or goin'.
Marie: I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm gonna call Mexico and try to get some for the house.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Doctor, while you're still here, would you just take a look at my son's wrist?
Frank: Yeah, and, Ray, when was the last time someone looked at that testicle?
Ray: Dad!
Frank: What? No one's checked it since he was a kid.
Ray: It's all right, Dad.
Frank: Hey, hey, hey, nothin' to be ashamed of.
Ray: Okay, Dad.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Look, this is not our fault.
Debra: Yes, it is! This is 30% my fault and 70% yours!
Ray: Where do you come up with those figures?
Debra: You started the whole thing. None of this would have happened if you didn't have to tell all your friends what a big stud you are!
Ray: Oh, why couldn't the nurse hear that? Look, the truth is, none of this would've happened if you didn't have that second glass of wine that night, okay? Or if you let me buy a king-size bed. Or if just once, God forbid, you listen to me, and we could start on the floor!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Debra and I didn't fall down the stairs.
Frank: What?
Ray: We actually hurt ourselves in the, you know, bedroom.
Frank: A bedroom race?
Ray: No. No, there are no races, Dad.
Frank: But they're a tradition.
Ray: We... We fell off the bed, both of us. Hmm? Dad. We fell off the bed when we were having sex. That's how we got hurt.
Frank: Then this is about your testicle.
Ray: What? No. Dad, no, it's not. I lied to you. I told you the stairs were bad so you wouldn't know what Debra and I were doing, and you wouldn't have broken your rib if it wasn't for me, and I'm buying you a satellite dish, all right?
Frank: Oh. Now, that's a good story. Why didn't you just tell me that story?
Ray: Because it's like a sex story. And I don't feel comfortable, you know, telling you that kind of stuff. It's...
Frank: But we're pals.
Ray: Okay. We're pals.

Quote from Frank

Robert: Dad, those nachos were for me.
Frank: I like cheese. You knew the risks.

Quote from Frank

Frank: But, Doctor, really, you should take a look in his shorts.
Ray: No!
Frank: There's a problem with one of the man berries.
Ray: Dad! It's... Never mind.
Doctor: Okay, then, if you don't need me, Mr. Barone, you try and take it easy.
Frank: Okay. And, hey, you take it easy, too. Hey! Peace.

Quote from Frank

Ray: What? It's nothin'. I hurt my wrist, that's all. I fell down the stairs. They're old and creaky, those stairs.
Frank: What a marvelous story. And you tell it beautifully.
Ray: I told you it was nothing.
Frank: How many years have I got left? You gotta waste my time with that story?
Ray: What? I didn't want to tell it to ya.
Frank: Then you should cut your losses now and stop talking. A stair story.
Gianni: Debra fell, too.
Ray: Hey, would you shut up! All right? Just shut up! What are you bothering my father for? He's watching the game, and he told me he doesn't like you.
Frank: Two people falling. Now maybe you got a story!

Quote from Marie

Marie: Hello, dears.
Debra: Hi, Marie.
Marie: Frank wanted some ice water.
Debra: Believe it or not, Marie, we have the ingredients for that right here.
Marie: I know. But Frank likes his ice cubes a little less murky.

Quote from Ray

Debra: We were having a race.
Ray: Huh?
Marie: A race? In the house?
Ray: Yeah, mm-hmm.
Marie: Something doesn't make sense.
Debra: It doesn't have to. It's a tradition.
Marie: A tradition? I never heard anything about these races.
Ray: It's just kind of our thing, you know? I mean, we do it all the time. Sometimes we do front door to back door. Sometimes we do three times around the couch. Friday, we usually do the stairs.
Debra: Okay, Ray.
Ray: "Friday on the stairs," that's what we call it.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Okay, crazies, we're in public here.
Frank: Hey, Doc, what's this stuff drippin' into me?
Doctor: Oh, that's just some painkiller to help with any discomfort.
Frank: But I'm not experiencing any discomfort.
Doctor: That's because it's probably starting to work.
Frank: Oh. Way to go, tube and baggie.
Doctor: Yes. Now, a nurse will be in at the end of the day to give you your discharge papers.
Frank: Papers? Don't you guys have bedpans anymore? [laughs; grimaces]

Quote from Debra

Debra: We can never have sex again.
Ray: What?
Debra: Look at your father, lying in there hurt, and all because we... And now, whenever... I'm gonna think of him, workin' on those stairs, and then all of a sudden, his little bald head dropping out of sight.
Ray: Well, here's something you might try. Think of me when we're having sex.
Debra: This is awful, Ray. We lied to him, and now he has a broken rib. We broke his rib! We may as well have rolled off that bed and onto him.
Ray: Hey, are you trying to put images in my head? 'Cause we may never have sex again!

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