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‘Sweet Charity’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Sweet Charity

716. Sweet Charity

Aired February 17, 2003

Debra signs Ray up to volunteer at a hospital.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Now, Timmy, that's a little rude. These kind people didn't come here to get insulted. [as Timmy] "Then maybe they should close their robes!"
Ray: What are you doing?
Robert: Now, Timmy, it won't do to have you talk like that while you're on duty, so let me remove your badge. "Gentle. It's nailed on. I hope the doctors here have some wood glue!"
Ray: That doesn't make sense. It's not a wood puppet.
Woman: Shh!
Robert: "All right. Now I can loosen up. Hello, doll face. What's your name?"
Margaret: Margaret.
Robert: "Well, you're a real looker. Maybe if you break your hip, I can be your splint. Ha-cha-cha-cha!" Easy, Timmy! I'm sorry.
Ray: He's not wood. He's made of plastic.
Robert: "Hey, folks, what do you think this guy's doing in the hospital, huh? Probably dropped in for an emergency nose reduction. Ladies and gentlemen, my cousin Pinocchio!"

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Quote from Debra

Debra: You know what? Just forget it.
Ray: Wh- You see? This is what I don't like about charities. It's all about making people feel guilty.
Debra: What? What did I do? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I asked you to volunteer for something. You refused. Your guilt is your own.
Ray: You know how to work it.
Debra: Look, Ray, all I'm saying is that I just really love the charities that I'm involved with. And I feel like we have a lot and I really enjoy giving something back. I mean, that's what people do.
Ray: No, they don't!
Debra: All right, you know what? I'm not gonna argue with you. If you don't want to volunteer at the hospital, you don't have to. This is between you and Him.
Ray: Oh, you are shameless! Don't- Don't bring Him into it, okay? That's not gonna work with me. Take it back!

Quote from Ray

Claudia: Hey, are you Ray Barone, the sportswriter?
Ray: Ha ha! Yeah, yeah.
Jean: And you've never seen blood before?
Ray: Sure. Just not "to go." But I'm all right though, now.

Quote from Ray

Mrs. Gorman: If you're the Angel of Death, I'm ready.
Ray: No. No. No, no. I'm not the Angel of Death.
Mrs. Gorman: Then you could use a mint.
Ray: Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm Ray. I'm helping out here today. So, I hear you like baseball.
Mrs. Gorman: What are you doing?
Ray: I'm Ray Barone. I'm a sportswriter for "New York Newsday."
Mrs. Gorman: Oh, yeah? Can you fix a radio?
Ray: What do you mean?
Mrs. Gorman: What do you think it means when somebody says they need their radio fixed?
Ray: No, I've come here to just talk to you. You know, cheer you up.
Mrs. Gorman: They finally send a man in here, and it's you.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, listen, Mrs. Gorman, I was just seeing if maybe I could get you to take your pills.
Mrs. Gorman: Fix my radio, I'll take a pill.
Ray: I don't know how to fix a radio.
Mrs. Gorman: Then you've used up what's left of my life for nothing.
Ray: Okay then. Well, nice talking to you, ma'am.
Mrs. Gorman: You sit in the press box?
Ray: What, at the game?
Mrs. Gorman: Yeah. I've never sat in a press box before.
Ray: Well, um, if you want to sit in a press box, you've got to get better. And if you want to get better you've got to take your pills.
Mrs. Gorman: Oh, you tricky, tricky white boy.

Quote from Robert

Robert: So where's Ray?
Debra: At the hospital again. He's up to three nights a week. He's a big hit there. I guess 'cause he writes for "Newsday," he's a celebrity.
Robert: Yeah, what is it, a mental hospital?

Quote from Robert

Ray: Well, I've got an idea. Why don't you do your thing on another night?
Debra: Because I've made a commitment.
Ray: Yeah, but this is for the hospital.
Debra: Right, and my thing is for the homeless.
Ray: I'm helping sick people.
Debra: Are you saying your charity's better than mine?
Robert: Oh, you are so disgusting! Debra is the real humanitarian in this family, and everybody knows that "homeless" kicks "hospital" butt!

Quote from Marie

Marie: But Raymond's doing very important work!
Robert: But Debra's been doing her charity stuff for a long time! Raymond's just a good-doer-come-lately.
Debra: No, Listen, Robert, he should go. I'm the one that wanted him to do this, and I'm glad he got involved. So go ahead, Ray.
Ray: Really? Yeah?
Marie: The hospital wins! And who knows how many spirits will be lifted just because my son was there? You are a son who truly shines!
Robert: And so it is my honor to present you with this award.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Yeah, but I was I was helping people. I shouldn't let Robert spoil that for everybody. I mean, what I was doing in the hospital, it's important, and I was good at it.
Debra: Yeah. But you're quitting, right?
Ray: When I go in there to volunteer, you should see how happy everybody is to see me everybody the nurses, the patients. You know they all give me stuff? Even the sick people, when they get their gift baskets from people who don't want to visit them, there's always a cookie or a brownie or a nice piece of fruit for me. The cafeteria staff, they're always bringing me Jell-o. And you know that pimple on the back of my neck that won't go away? Doctor's gonna give me a cream for that for free!
Debra: Oh, my God!
Ray: I know! It's amazing, right?
Debra: No! You're not there for them, you're there for you! You're doing this for all the wrong reasons.
Ray: I'm doing it for your reasons. You're the one who signed me up.
Debra: I signed you up to help other people, not to help yourself to free fruit and pimple cream!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. "Debra suggested"? You sent him in there?
Debra: Ray, I just... come on!
Ray: Oh, oh, oh! Dirty laundry is coming home to roost!
Debra: What are you talking about?
Ray: You wanted him to take my place so I could stay home and you could pretty yourself up and go out on the town with your face paint and your gewgaws! Yeah. You don't care about the old or the sick! You don't care that their entertainment now is a large man with his hand up the behind of a small plastic man! You were spending all your time there.
Debra: You were never here.
Ray: I was doing charity, and because it wasn't convenient for you, you wanted me to stop.
Debra: Ray, all l-
Ray: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-ba! I don't think you should be talking to me. I think you should be talking to... [points to the heavens]
Debra: But l-
Ray: Bhup!

Quote from Ray

Ray: [on the phone] No no, listen to me. Listen to me. The problem, it's with your satellite. I was in the middle of the movie, and it went out for 23 minutes, and now I've missed the middle of the movie. And the ending, it doesn't make sense! Like, who the hell is that guy?
Debra: [enters] Hi!
Ray: Wait! Yes. Yes, it's back on right now, but I don't know what's happening. Oh, look at this! Why is she shooting him? They were in love! I just forget about it. My whole evening is ruined. Okay. Thank you. [hangs uo] Drunks!
Debra: Another stressful night of watching TV, Ray?
Ray: It's not funny. I was emotionally hooked.

Quote from Debra

Ray: What are you so happy about?
Debra: Nothing. We had a great night at our church meeting. It was all about signing up for different community services.
Ray: Oh, God.
Debra: I signed up for a couple of things.
Ray: Oh, okay. So we're covered.
Debra: And I thought it might be nice if you would volunteer to help some people in need.
Ray: Nah, that's not really my thing.
Debra: Well, you might want to make it your thing because I signed you up, too.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Yeah, one hour a week at St. Theresa's Hospital.
Ray: An hour?!
Debra: Yes. This is about giving your time, getting involved.
Ray: Look, I'll write 'em a check.
Debra: No, Ray, 'cause it's not about money.
Ray: Oh, no? Listen, money talks, and we all know what walks, okay? Believe me, they'll be very happy with my $20.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hi. Hi, uh I'm here to volunteer.
Claudia: Oh, are you with the church program?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, Ray Barone. I signed up 'cause that's what I'm all about.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I'm totally fine, and I want to volunteer, so so, uh, what do I do?
Claudia: You know Mrs. Gorman in 408? Maybe he could help out with her.
Jean: I think she already knows how to fall down.
Claudia: No, she likes baseball. He might be able to talk about sports, cheer her up get her to take her pills. She's kind of a lonely old lady. You want to try it?
Ray: Yeah, okay. Sure. So just talk to her and tell her to take her pills?
Jean: Yeah.
Ray: Okay. Right in there?
Jean: Yeah.
Ray: Okay. She's not bleeding, is she?
Jean: Why didn't you just write a check?

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