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‘Prodigal Son’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Prodigal Son

414. Prodigal Son

Aired January 31, 2000

Ray is upset when Ally draws a picture of him in hell because he doesn't go to church.

Quote from Marie

Frank: 12 years of catholic school down the toilet. Go to church!
Marie: Frank, you can't just scream at someone to go to church.
Frank: Well, 40 years of your guilt hasn't worked.
Marie: I need more time.

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Quote from Frank

Frank: Look what you're doing to her! Go to church!
Ray: No, no! I don't feel like it.
Frank: "I don't feel like it." That's the problem with you kids today. Everything has to feel good. Do you think World War II felt good? You think Korea felt good? In my day, nothing felt good!
Ray: Why don't you go back to your day and stop ruining mine?!

Quote from Marie

Marie: See, now, I would never scream at you like that, Raymond, because I know that your failures are my fault.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, listen, when I go there, I should be thinking about God, right? Instead, I'm thinking about some column I'm working on, "What's up with this guy's scalp?" "Oh, that lady sneezed, I'm not shaking her hand." I'm not focused. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and that's not respectful, right?
Debra: Yeah, you're right. I mean, you shouldn't go if you're just going through the motions.
Ray: What are you doing?
Debra: What? I'm agreeing with you.
Ray: No, you're trying to make me feel guilty.
Debra: No, I'm not.
Ray: You're just like my mother.
Debra: Why do you have to insult me?

Quote from Debra

Ray: Let me tell you something. I practice being a good person every day. Okay? I'm a decent fellow. I do good things. I always leave a big tip. If a squirrel runs in front of the car, do I not swerve? I'm considerate of people's feelings. Remember the plumber who came over with the big eye? I treated him like a completely normal person. Okay? So so so why do I have to go to church every Sunday to prove my goodness? I'm living it!
Debra: Well, you know, since you are so good during the week, maybe on Sundays we should have everybody come over here and sit around you.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Dad doesn't do it.
Ray: What do you mean?
Robert: I do it. Mom, Debra, the kids do it. Dad, he's an usher.
Ray: So?
Robert: So that means he spends most of his time out here, not in there. Back here, he doesn't have to listen to all the, as he puts it, "mumbo-jumbo". That's right, Ray. Oh yeah, occasionally he'll go down the aisle with the collection basket, wink at the pretty ladies, then he hustles back to count the money and clocks out. It's a beautiful setup. Mom can't get on his case for not going to mass. He's here every Sunday serving the Lord. He's just doing it from the first-class lounge.
Ray: Oh, my God. Debra told me this was the best part of him. I knew there was no best part of him.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Look, I all I'm saying is, from now on, if Ally asks you something about religious stuff, or government, or minorities, please refer her to me!
Frank: How do you think I feel? It's embarrassing. I'm in church, people are saying, "How come Ray is never here? Didn't you raise him right?"
Ray: They say that?
Frank: Shut up.
Ray: Look, I'm not going just to make you look good.
Frank: Go to church!
Ray: No!
Frank: Then thou art doomed to suffer the fires of eternal damnation! [Frank takes the cake into the living room]

Quote from Ray

Ray: That's right, the whole thing. You married a man. 24 grams of fat. Yeah, but don't worry. I'll be burning it off in hell. Okay, I'm going up.
Debra: Okay. You know, I kind of understand how your father feels.
Ray: Okay, good night.
Debra: No, Ray, wait, wait, wait. You still consider yourself Catholic?
Ray: What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm Catholic. You can't change that. It's like being Italian, or... Or sexy.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Well, well, well, the prodigal son returns. Of course, no one applauds the faithful son, because the faithful son never leaves.
Ray: The faithful son has nowhere to go.

Quote from Marie

Frank: All right, everybody, let's go. Church time, chop-chop.
Robert: [to Ray] You usually hide upstairs until we leave. A little more brazen in your blasphemy.
Debra: Don't tell him how to do his job. Come on, let's go.
Ray: Hey, I don't know why God put church and football at the same time. As a matter of fact, bring that up today!
Debra: Wait up, wait up, kids.
[Frank shakes his head at Ray]
Marie: Unwashed, unshaven, scratching himself. All my love, all my caring I poured my heart into this boy. This is my one regret as a parent.
[Marie gives Robert a scornful look as she bumps into him while turning around to leave]
Robert: I'm the one going to church!

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, Ray.
Ray: [holding up a fork] Hey, Debra, look at this.
Debra: What?
Ray: You're in jail.
Debra: Going on 10 years now.

Quote from Frank

Ray: See this picture, Dad? It's a picture of me in hell. My seven-year-old daughter drew it because her grandpa told her that's where her father's going to hell! What kind of a mind does that?!
Frank: Mmm, this cake almost makes marriage bearable. [Ray takes the slice of cake] Hey!
Ray: Why did you tell her that?
Frank: I never told her you were going there. She asked me what happens to people who don't go to church. I said, "They go to hell, sweetie." She must have put two and two together. Smart kid.
Ray: Go over there right now and tell her that I'm not going to hell!
Frank: You know, I would love to, but I don't make the rules.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Mom, I don't want him telling-
Frank: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? Are you talking to my wife?
Ray: What?
Frank: Don't talk to my wife.
Ray: All right, all right, Dad, don't be cute.
Frank: Hey, hey, hey, hey, you wanna be like that? You don't talk to her. Only I talk to her! [to Marie] Hello, sweetheart, how are you?
Marie: Oh, I'm fine, but I have a thing with my-
Ray: Oh, stop it, Mom! He doesn't care how you are!
Frank: Hey! You're talking to her. Stop talking to her.
Marie: No, it's all right, Frank. He can talk to me. Unless you wanna talk to me some more. I liked it.
Frank: I was just making a point.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Okay, all right. Why do you go, Miss Holy Moly?
Debra: Why do I go?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: I go you know, to thank God for you and the kids, and to pray for the strength to get through another week with you and the kids.
Ray: Okay, all right.
Debra: No, no, really. I go to get re-energized, to be part of something that's bigger than me and my little problems. You know, it reminds me that I'm not the be-all and end-all. There's something out there that's greater than me.
Ray: Why do you have to have an answer for everything?
Debra: And you know what else? I like the feeling of community, the tradition. And I think that's what's bugging your father. You know, he wanted to pass his faith onto you. It's probably the only valuable thing that he thinks he can give you, and you've rejected it.

Quote from Ray

Frank: Hey, you working the church carnival next weekend?
Stan: Yeah, my wife signed me up for the dunking booth again. She loves seeing me wet.
Garvin: Hey, Ray is here! [cheers]
Ray: And also with you.

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