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‘The Children's Book’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Children's Book

208. The Children's Book

Aired November 10, 1997

Fed up of reading the same stories each bedtime, Debra asks Ray to help her write a children's book.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Debra, sweetheart, settle a bet. ls this container microwavable?
Debra: No, Frank.
Marie: [o.s.] I told you that wasn't the sauce. You're eating melted plastic.
Frank: Wow, everything is better with cheese on it.

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Quote from Marie

Frank: Your mother was just telling the story of how you wet your pants at home plate.
Robert: Ma.
Marie: It's for Debra's children's book.
Robert: It's gonna be in a book?
Debra: No, Marie. Marie, please, I don't think I'm gonna use the story.
Robert: That's my story. You can't use it. I have the rights to that story.
Debra: Robert, I'm not using the story.
Marie: Why not? It's an important story. It has a moral about how kids shouldn't tease other kids and how you should listen to your mother and not hold it.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I tell you what. Whatever you do, I'll do the pictures for it.
Debra: Pictures?
Frank: I've dabbled in the visual arts. I've painted some bullfighters, some nudes.
Marie: You painted naked ladies off a deck of dirty cards.
Frank: I had to. After Robert was born, you stopped posing for me.
Marie: Frank!
Robert: What?
Ray: Oh. Okay, I have to gouge out my eyes.
Robert: You can't gouge out your mind's eye.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I'm so sick of the same stories every night. I'm taking them out of the rotation. Wait a minute. You finished cleaning up the kitchen already?
Ray: Well, the thing is...
Marie: Debra, they make sponges with the scrubby sides. Remind me. I'll get you some.
Ray: I didn't call her up. She just came over.
Debra: That's very mature, Ray having your mother come over to do your chores for you.
Ray: My mommy loves me.

Quote from Debra

Debra: She probably thinks that's women's work and I'm just lazy. Now, I've got to go in there.
Ray: No, let her do it. Don't take away her reason to live.
Debra: That's supposed to stop me?

Quote from Marie

Marie: Don't talk about sex. We're here.
Ray: We're not. Debra's thinking of writing a book.
Frank: A sex book?
Debra: No. A children's book. I was just thinking of trying it.
Marie: Oh, I have a wonderful story for you, Debra. When Robert was 10, he was in Little League. And before one of his games, I asked if he had to go to the bathroom. And he said no. So it's his turn with the bat and sure enough, he wets his pants.
Ray: Oh, isn't that charming?
Robert: [enters] Hey. [awkward silence] ls this about me?

Quote from Debra

Debra: So, here's what I was thinking. Do you remember that time when Ally wanted to run away from home and we let her pack her suitcase with all her toys and her clothes?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Yeah. Then she started talking about each thing and where she got it, who gave it to her.
Debra: Yes. And by the time she was done packing, she'd forgotten she wanted to run away from home.
Ray: Right, because of all the good memories in the stuff. Yeah. I like that idea. I really do.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Look, it doesn't have to be the dinosaur. I just hate the bunny.
Debra: Well, you've got nothing, sweetie, so it's gonna be a bunny, okay?
Ray: Well, take my name off it.
Debra: Off of what? We haven't even started yet. We spent the whole time going through your satanic rituals.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I don't know how you do it. Every day, writing? It's hell. Hell.
Ray: Well... Yeah. I try not to bring it home. Guess you've gotten a little peek there. I mean, it's not all hanging out at the games with the guys and the hot dogs and the make-your-own sundaes.
Debra: Well, I suck. Good night.
Ray: You know, it's not easy for anybody. Come on, in the beginning I remember when I was just a beat writer covering the local high-school games. I was obviously pretty talented, but I was just a diamond in the rough, really. [notices Debra's gone] We'll pick up on this tomorrow, all right? Remind me where I was.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You should feel better about yourself. You came up with the whole idea for the story. I just found a way to make it work, that's all.
Debra: Great, so I'm just the idea person. You're the guy that can make it all happen.
Ray: Sometimes I'm just the idea person. Right? Like with raising the kids. I think they should eat. You know how to feed them. Right? I think they shouldn't be naked. You know what to do there, too. Right? If it was up to me, they'd be eating cereal every day and wearing the boxes.

Quote from Frank

Robert: [enters] Hey, Raymond. Thought I'd better warn you. Dad's on his way over with his favorite portrait.
Ray: Oh, no. Mom?
Frank: [enters] Hey, everybody. So you don't think your old man's a painter?
Ray: Dad.
Frank: Look at this. The greatest bullfighter of all time. El Cordobes. I found him on the back of a king of spades.
Debra: That's really good, Frank.
Robert: Yeah.
Frank: Oh, yeah. And here's one of your mother. [all scream]

Quote from Ray

Debra: You know, every night, for five years... Ugh. Little Engine that Could, Goodnight Moon, Cat in the Hat. I am sick of them.
Ray: They're not for you. All right? What do you want to read the kids? Jackie Collins?

Quote from Ray

Debra: So what do you think about this book idea?
Ray: Yeah, it's a great idea. If you need any help, you let me know.
Debra: That's what I was thinking.
Ray: What?
Debra: You could help me. We could write it together.
Ray: Oh, wait a minute.
Debra: No, come on. You just said, if you need any help...
Ray: You didn't let me finish. By help, I meant that when you're done I would read it and tell you it's very good.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Come on. I want to do this with you. Wouldn't this be so much fun to spend time together like this?
Ray: No! Writing is what I do for a living. I don't want to spend my free time writing.
Debra: But you love writing.
Ray: No! It's torture. It's excruciating.
Debra: Yeah, but I already have an idea. I just need you to help me flesh it out, you know? Because you are such a good writer, Ray. I respect your talent so much.
Ray: Don't even start with that, unless you're willing to back it up with sex.

Quote from Robert

Robert: You know, Debra, I got a great story for you. It's about a tall crime fighter.
Ray: Does he live with his parents?
Robert: Could.

Quote from Marie

Marie: No, no, no. I have another story for you, dear. We're on a long car ride -and before we leave, I warn Robert-
Robert: Ma!

Quote from Frank

Robert: Raymond, if you're gonna use the baseball story, at least put in I was the one who scored the winning run.
Frank: Nobody wanted to tag you.

Quote from Ray

Debra: What are you doing?
Ray: Getting ready. Getting ready. I play a little Galactic Defender first.
Debra: What about the story?
Ray: In a minute. In a minute. I just got to save the planet Krimulac.
Debra: Are you almost ready? Because I have all these ideas.
Ray: One second. One second, sweetie. I got you, you ugly green bastard.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Okay, I was thinking...
Ray: Hold it. Hold it.
Debra: What is that?
Ray: I like to squeeze this 12 times.
Debra: Why?
Ray: You've got to respect the process. Gets the juices going.
Debra: Yeah, you got enough juice there?
Ray: Yeah.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Where are you going?
Ray: The bathroom.
Debra: But we just got started.
Ray: I know, but when a good idea hits, I have to go to the bathroom.

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