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‘The Children's Book’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Children's Book

208. The Children's Book

Aired November 10, 1997

Fed up of reading the same stories each bedtime, Debra asks Ray to help her write a children's book.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Debra, sweetheart, settle a bet. ls this container microwavable?
Debra: No, Frank.
Marie: [o.s.] I told you that wasn't the sauce. You're eating melted plastic.
Frank: Wow, everything is better with cheese on it.

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Quote from Marie

Frank: Your mother was just telling the story of how you wet your pants at home plate.
Robert: Ma.
Marie: It's for Debra's children's book.
Robert: It's gonna be in a book?
Debra: No, Marie. Marie, please, I don't think I'm gonna use the story.
Robert: That's my story. You can't use it. I have the rights to that story.
Debra: Robert, I'm not using the story.
Marie: Why not? It's an important story. It has a moral about how kids shouldn't tease other kids and how you should listen to your mother and not hold it.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I tell you what. Whatever you do, I'll do the pictures for it.
Debra: Pictures?
Frank: I've dabbled in the visual arts. I've painted some bullfighters, some nudes.
Marie: You painted naked ladies off a deck of dirty cards.
Frank: I had to. After Robert was born, you stopped posing for me.
Marie: Frank!
Robert: What?
Ray: Oh. Okay, I have to gouge out my eyes.
Robert: You can't gouge out your mind's eye.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I'm so sick of the same stories every night. I'm taking them out of the rotation. Wait a minute. You finished cleaning up the kitchen already?
Ray: Well, the thing is...
Marie: Debra, they make sponges with the scrubby sides. Remind me. I'll get you some.
Ray: I didn't call her up. She just came over.
Debra: That's very mature, Ray having your mother come over to do your chores for you.
Ray: My mommy loves me.

Quote from Debra

Debra: She probably thinks that's women's work and I'm just lazy. Now, I've got to go in there.
Ray: No, let her do it. Don't take away her reason to live.
Debra: That's supposed to stop me?

Quote from Marie

Marie: Don't talk about sex. We're here.
Ray: We're not. Debra's thinking of writing a book.
Frank: A sex book?
Debra: No. A children's book. I was just thinking of trying it.
Marie: Oh, I have a wonderful story for you, Debra. When Robert was 10, he was in Little League. And before one of his games, I asked if he had to go to the bathroom. And he said no. So it's his turn with the bat and sure enough, he wets his pants.
Ray: Oh, isn't that charming?
Robert: [enters] Hey. [awkward silence] ls this about me?

Quote from Debra

Debra: So, here's what I was thinking. Do you remember that time when Ally wanted to run away from home and we let her pack her suitcase with all her toys and her clothes?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Yeah. Then she started talking about each thing and where she got it, who gave it to her.
Debra: Yes. And by the time she was done packing, she'd forgotten she wanted to run away from home.
Ray: Right, because of all the good memories in the stuff. Yeah. I like that idea. I really do.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Look, it doesn't have to be the dinosaur. I just hate the bunny.
Debra: Well, you've got nothing, sweetie, so it's gonna be a bunny, okay?
Ray: Well, take my name off it.
Debra: Off of what? We haven't even started yet. We spent the whole time going through your satanic rituals.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I don't know how you do it. Every day, writing? It's hell. Hell.
Ray: Well... Yeah. I try not to bring it home. Guess you've gotten a little peek there. I mean, it's not all hanging out at the games with the guys and the hot dogs and the make-your-own sundaes.
Debra: Well, I suck. Good night.
Ray: You know, it's not easy for anybody. Come on, in the beginning I remember when I was just a beat writer covering the local high-school games. I was obviously pretty talented, but I was just a diamond in the rough, really. [notices Debra's gone] We'll pick up on this tomorrow, all right? Remind me where I was.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You should feel better about yourself. You came up with the whole idea for the story. I just found a way to make it work, that's all.
Debra: Great, so I'm just the idea person. You're the guy that can make it all happen.
Ray: Sometimes I'm just the idea person. Right? Like with raising the kids. I think they should eat. You know how to feed them. Right? I think they shouldn't be naked. You know what to do there, too. Right? If it was up to me, they'd be eating cereal every day and wearing the boxes.

Quote from Frank

Robert: [enters] Hey, Raymond. Thought I'd better warn you. Dad's on his way over with his favorite portrait.
Ray: Oh, no. Mom?
Frank: [enters] Hey, everybody. So you don't think your old man's a painter?
Ray: Dad.
Frank: Look at this. The greatest bullfighter of all time. El Cordobes. I found him on the back of a king of spades.
Debra: That's really good, Frank.
Robert: Yeah.
Frank: Oh, yeah. And here's one of your mother. [all scream]


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