Frank: Debra, sweetheart, settle a bet. ls this container microwavable?
Debra: No, Frank.
Marie: [o.s.] I told you that wasn't the sauce. You're eating melted plastic.
Frank: Wow, everything is better with cheese on it.

Frank: Your mother was just telling the story of how you wet your pants at home plate.
Robert: Ma.
Marie: It's for Debra's children's book.
Robert: It's gonna be in a book?
Debra: No, Marie. Marie, please, I don't think I'm gonna use the story.
Robert: That's my story. You can't use it. I have the rights to that story.
Debra: Robert, I'm not using the story.
Marie: Why not? It's an important story. It has a moral about how kids shouldn't tease other kids and how you should listen to your mother and not hold it.

Frank: I tell you what. Whatever you do, I'll do the pictures for it.
Debra: Pictures?
Frank: I've dabbled in the visual arts. I've painted some bullfighters, some nudes.
Marie: You painted naked ladies off a deck of dirty cards.
Frank: I had to. After Robert was born, you stopped posing for me.
Marie: Frank!
Robert: What?
Ray: Oh. Okay, I have to gouge out my eyes.
Robert: You can't gouge out your mind's eye.

Debra: I'm so sick of the same stories every night. I'm taking them out of the rotation. Wait a minute. You finished cleaning up the kitchen already?
Ray: Well, the thing is...
Marie: Debra, they make sponges with the scrubby sides. Remind me. I'll get you some.
Ray: I didn't call her up. She just came over.
Debra: That's very mature, Ray having your mother come over to do your chores for you.
Ray: My mommy loves me.

Debra: She probably thinks that's women's work and I'm just lazy. Now, I've got to go in there.
Ray: No, let her do it. Don't take away her reason to live.
Debra: That's supposed to stop me?

Marie: Don't talk about sex. We're here.
Ray: We're not. Debra's thinking of writing a book.
Frank: A sex book?
Debra: No. A children's book. I was just thinking of trying it.
Marie: Oh, I have a wonderful story for you, Debra. When Robert was 10, he was in Little League. And before one of his games, I asked if he had to go to the bathroom. And he said no. So it's his turn with the bat and sure enough, he wets his pants.
Ray: Oh, isn't that charming?
Robert: [enters] Hey. [awkward silence] ls this about me?

Debra: So, here's what I was thinking. Do you remember that time when Ally wanted to run away from home and we let her pack her suitcase with all her toys and her clothes?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Yeah. Then she started talking about each thing and where she got it, who gave it to her.
Debra: Yes. And by the time she was done packing, she'd forgotten she wanted to run away from home.
Ray: Right, because of all the good memories in the stuff. Yeah. I like that idea. I really do.

Ray: Look, it doesn't have to be the dinosaur. I just hate the bunny.
Debra: Well, you've got nothing, sweetie, so it's gonna be a bunny, okay?
Ray: Well, take my name off it.
Debra: Off of what? We haven't even started yet. We spent the whole time going through your satanic rituals.

Debra: I don't know how you do it. Every day, writing? It's hell. Hell.
Ray: Well... Yeah. I try not to bring it home. Guess you've gotten a little peek there. I mean, it's not all hanging out at the games with the guys and the hot dogs and the make-your-own sundaes.
Debra: Well, I suck. Good night.
Ray: You know, it's not easy for anybody. Come on, in the beginning I remember when I was just a beat writer covering the local high-school games. I was obviously pretty talented, but I was just a diamond in the rough, really. [notices Debra's gone] We'll pick up on this tomorrow, all right? Remind me where I was.

Ray: You should feel better about yourself. You came up with the whole idea for the story. I just found a way to make it work, that's all.
Debra: Great, so I'm just the idea person. You're the guy that can make it all happen.
Ray: Sometimes I'm just the idea person. Right? Like with raising the kids. I think they should eat. You know how to feed them. Right? I think they shouldn't be naked. You know what to do there, too. Right? If it was up to me, they'd be eating cereal every day and wearing the boxes.