Debra: Come on, admit it. You're a little self-centered.
Ray: Self-centered?!
Debra: Yeah, all you can see is how this news affects you. And can I tell you something? This isn't just with Andy.
Ray: Where is this coming from?
Debra: It's coming from those of us orbiting around you.
Ray: You think I'm self-centered? Me? Me? Me?!

Marie: You're the one who's self-centered. I slave over those muffins and you don't even have the decency to eat it because they're not sliced right!
Frank: How about you? I got to eat my muffin your way!
Robert: I'll eat the muffin.
Marie: No, you go upstairs and get your brother a blue toothbrush. They're not all for you!
Robert: Oh, what are you saying? I'm self-centered now?
Frank: You? Definitely! "I can't buy clothes where normal people buy clothes!" "I need my own apartment." "Everyone shoots at me!"

Ray: Hey, we're out of milk.
Marie: Help yourself. You want to hear the latest? Your father wants to shave his head.
Ray: Why don't you just stick your head out the car window?
Frank: Where's my razor?
Marie: Oh, sit down. We do not shave our heads in this house.
Frank: It's my house and my head!
Marie: I'm not going to be seen with you like that.
Frank: Another advantage!
Marie: I'm hiding all the razors.
Ray: You're not going to shave your head.
Frank: Of course not. I just want to read the paper.

Ray: But with Andy, I was very nice. I was very understanding, very patient. And then he embarrasses me by crying.
Debra: You made him cry?! Ray!
Ray: He wasn't crying crying. He was just kind of breathing hard and shuddering. Everybody's looking at us.
Debra: Oh, I'm so sorry you had to sit next to your crying friend.
Ray: Listen, it's a lot harder to watch the person in pain than it is to be the person in pain.
Debra: You said that to me when I was in labor.
Ray: You were screaming. I'm surprised you heard that.

Debra: Here's your "Sports Illustrated."
Ray: [throws it in the trash] Very nice.
Debra: Wait a minute. What was that?
Ray: Oh, uh, I don't like it anymore.
Debra: So you're giving up reading altogether?
Ray: I still have cereal boxes. Unless Count Chocula suddenly lowers his standards.

Frank: Hey, hey, what are you doing there?
Marie: I'm cutting an English muffin.
Frank: You don't cut it. You use a fork.
Marie: You don't use a fork to cut things.
Frank: Not to cut, to split.
Marie: What?
Frank: Yeah, it says it right on the wrapper there. Look at it. Fork split. Fork! With a fork!
Marie: All that means is they've split it with a fork at the factory.
Frank: If they split it at the factory, it would be open already and I wouldn't have to talk to you!
Marie: You want this or not?
Frank: Not now. Look what you've done with your knife! Not only have you killed the crannies, you smooshed them into the nooks!
Marie: I'm gonna smoosh you into a nook.

Ray: Mom, am I self-centered?
Marie: Of course you are, dear.
Robert: Aha!
Marie: But you have every right to be. You're very special.
Robert: Here we go. All aboard!
Marie: You are handsome, you are charming, you're successful. You're a marvelous father and a beautiful son.
Frank: And you wonder how you turned out self-centered.

Debra: I'm just saying it probably meant a lot to Andy to get your feedback, and maybe you could have been a little bit nicer.
Ray: Hey, you weren't there. I was very nice. I tried to give him the key to the Mint.
Debra: The key to the Mint? You didn't say that, did you?
Ray: It's an expression.
Debra: Oh, and you are the keeper of the key to the Mint?
Ray: No, I- I happen to have one of the keys.

Marie: Don't read at the table.
Frank: Hey, I'm reading that! I didn't finish!
Marie: No! And stop playing with your hair. You're gonna make it fall out!
Frank: You can stop worrying about my hair 'cause I'm going to shave the rest off!
Marie: What?!
Frank: That's right, I'm shaving my head today.
Marie: Oh, that's asinine!
Frank: It's not asinine, it's hip.

Ray: I have some minor, minor things.
Andy: Oh God, I'm gonna be a stat guy for the rest of my life.
Ray: Stop it, all right? It's very good.
Andy: Don't say that!
Ray: What? What do you think very good means?
Andy: Very bad!
Ray: Do you want my notes or not?
Andy: Yes!
Ray: All right.
Andy: Oh my God! Look at all the red marks!