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Everybody Loves Raymond: The Article

308. The Article

Aired November 9, 1998

Ray is jealous when Andy gets an article published in Sports Illustrated after asking for his advice.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Come on, admit it. You're a little self-centered.
Ray: Self-centered?!
Debra: Yeah, all you can see is how this news affects you. And can I tell you something? This isn't just with Andy.
Ray: Where is this coming from?
Debra: It's coming from those of us orbiting around you.
Ray: You think I'm self-centered? Me? Me? Me?!

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Quote from Frank

Marie: You're the one who's self-centered. I slave over those muffins and you don't even have the decency to eat it because they're not sliced right!
Frank: How about you? I got to eat my muffin your way!
Robert: I'll eat the muffin.
Marie: No, you go upstairs and get your brother a blue toothbrush. They're not all for you!
Robert: Oh, what are you saying? I'm self-centered now?
Frank: You? Definitely! "I can't buy clothes where normal people buy clothes!" "I need my own apartment." "Everyone shoots at me!"

Quote from Frank

Ray: Hey, we're out of milk.
Marie: Help yourself. You want to hear the latest? Your father wants to shave his head.
Ray: Why don't you just stick your head out the car window?
Frank: Where's my razor?
Marie: Oh, sit down. We do not shave our heads in this house.
Frank: It's my house and my head!
Marie: I'm not going to be seen with you like that.
Frank: Another advantage!
Marie: I'm hiding all the razors.
Ray: You're not going to shave your head.
Frank: Of course not. I just want to read the paper.

Quote from Ray

Ray: But with Andy, I was very nice. I was very understanding, very patient. And then he embarrasses me by crying.
Debra: You made him cry?! Ray!
Ray: He wasn't crying crying. He was just kind of breathing hard and shuddering. Everybody's looking at us.
Debra: Oh, I'm so sorry you had to sit next to your crying friend.
Ray: Listen, it's a lot harder to watch the person in pain than it is to be the person in pain.
Debra: You said that to me when I was in labor.
Ray: You were screaming. I'm surprised you heard that.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Here's your "Sports Illustrated."
Ray: [throws it in the trash] Very nice.
Debra: Wait a minute. What was that?
Ray: Oh, uh, I don't like it anymore.
Debra: So you're giving up reading altogether?
Ray: I still have cereal boxes. Unless Count Chocula suddenly lowers his standards.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, hey, what are you doing there?
Marie: I'm cutting an English muffin.
Frank: You don't cut it. You use a fork.
Marie: You don't use a fork to cut things.
Frank: Not to cut, to split.
Marie: What?
Frank: Yeah, it says it right on the wrapper there. Look at it. Fork split. Fork! With a fork!
Marie: All that means is they've split it with a fork at the factory.
Frank: If they split it at the factory, it would be open already and I wouldn't have to talk to you!
Marie: You want this or not?
Frank: Not now. Look what you've done with your knife! Not only have you killed the crannies, you smooshed them into the nooks!
Marie: I'm gonna smoosh you into a nook.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Mom, am I self-centered?
Marie: Of course you are, dear.
Robert: Aha!
Marie: But you have every right to be. You're very special.
Robert: Here we go. All aboard!
Marie: You are handsome, you are charming, you're successful. You're a marvelous father and a beautiful son.
Frank: And you wonder how you turned out self-centered.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Don't read at the table.
Frank: Hey, I'm reading that! I didn't finish!
Marie: No! And stop playing with your hair. You're gonna make it fall out!
Frank: You can stop worrying about my hair 'cause I'm going to shave the rest off!
Marie: What?!
Frank: That's right, I'm shaving my head today.
Marie: Oh, that's asinine!
Frank: It's not asinine, it's hip.

Quote from Andy

Ray: I have some minor, minor things.
Andy: Oh God, I'm gonna be a stat guy for the rest of my life.
Ray: Stop it, all right? It's very good.
Andy: Don't say that!
Ray: What? What do you think very good means?
Andy: Very bad!
Ray: Do you want my notes or not?
Andy: Yes!
Ray: All right.
Andy: Oh my God! Look at all the red marks!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Listen, listen. What separates the men from the boys is the willingness to take notes, rewrite and make it better. Okay? I'm giving you the key to the mint here.

Quote from Ray

Ray: [o.s.] Hey, Deb, where's my toothbrush?
Debra: I threw the old ones out. I got a bunch of new ones when I took the kids to the dentist today.
Ray: So which one's mine?
Debra: The red.
Ray: I don't want to be red!
Debra: Take the blue one.
Ray: The blue one is wet.
Debra: I just used it.
Ray: Ew!
Debra: You know, I used the soap in there too.
Ray: Not my soap? Oh, I have no toiletries.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Would you please, all right? I already had to deal with three maniac kids at the dentist today. By the end of it I needed the Novocain. Couldn't believe Geoffrey.
Ray: Yeah well, I had a bad day too, okay? I had to talk to Andy about his article.
Debra: Oh well, that must have been awful. Sitting and talking with an adult.

Quote from Ray

Ray: It was awful. You know how Andy wants to be a writer. So I gotta help him.
Debra: Ray, I'm trying to tell you something here.
Ray: Okay, but you know, I read his stuff and then I got to think about it, and then I gotta make notes on his stupid thing.
Debra: Maybe it was your attitude.
Ray: What attitude?
Debra: "His stupid thing"? Did you call his article a stupid thing?
Ray: Not to him. To him, I said it was very good.
Debra: Oh God.
Ray: What?
Debra: Very good? Hmm, yeah, I know what very good means. What'd you said about my stir-fry last night?
Ray: That was very good. Mmm-good.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I'm just saying it probably meant a lot to Andy to get your feedback, and maybe you could have been a little bit nicer.
Ray: Hey, you weren't there. I was very nice. I tried to give him the key to the mint.
Debra: The key to the mint? You didn't say that, did you?
Ray: It's an expression.
Debra: Oh, and you are the keeper of the key to the mint?
Ray: No, I- I happen to have one of the keys.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Poor Andy. Why do you think he gave you his article?
Ray: Because I'm a sucker.
Debra: Because he looks up to you and respects you and whatever you say to him he's going to listen to.
Ray: Yeah, he didn't listen when I told him to stop crying.
Debra: Listen, you are very successful and he's just starting out, and you really have to try to go out of your way to be encouraging to him and kind. You've got to understand that other people have feelings too.

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