Mary Beth: You know, your mother's wonderful.
Ray: Yeah?
Mary Beth: Oh yes. She gave me some great advice on how to have a long and happy marriage.
Ray: Really? Long and happy?
Mary Beth: Yes. She says it's important to remember you're not just his lover, you're his best friend. She's so smart. Thank you, Marie.
Marie: Oh, anytime, sweetheart. And I'll see you at Tai Chi, okay?
Ray: You told her you and Dad were best friends?
Marie: I also told her that childbirth isn't that painful. She's on her honeymoon. She's got the rest of her life to be disappointed.

Ray: What? What happened to you?
Frank: I was bringing the suitcases down. The bum knee popped out again.
Marie: You're so clumsy.
Frank: That's the thanks I get for blowing my knee out in Korea making the world safe for your mother.
Ray: You told me you slipped off a massage table in Tokyo.
Frank: Nevertheless.

Robert: You... You're not limping.
Frank: Oh, yeah. Uh, it's a miracle.
Robert: Dad?
Frank: Honest. I was watching one of those religious channels. I pledged five bucks. Praise the Lord!
Robert: You faker! The moaning and groaning and flopping on the couch.
Frank: Pretty good, huh?
Robert: What kind of a person are you?
Frank: I'm a very smart person. Marie will be much better off without me anyway. And what are you complaining about? You're free to go. Everybody gets what they want.
Robert: I guess. Everybody except Raymond.
Frank: God bless that magnificent bastard!

Marie: Oh, look how cute this is.
Ray: This is the deluxe package? All right, look. I want to get mad but I don't think I can fit another emotion in here.
Marie: Oh. I'm gonna bring Debra back one of these shower-caps to thank her for letting me have you for the weekend.
Ray: Yeah, the one thing she lets me do.
Marie: Oh, look how adorable this little toilet is.
Ray: Oh, that's great. They stuff you full of food then they give you baby's first potty. Come on, let's just get the hell out of here. Single file!

Robert: How was your trip?
Ray: Yeah, not bad. I'll tell you one thing, if Dad's the first to go, Mom is gonna do just fine.
Robert: Oh, yeah? Well, if Ma's the first to go God help us all.

Robert: Oh yeah. Ring a bell and the whole world comes running.
Frank: I'm done. Help me out of this thing.
Robert: I got your macaroni and cheese on the stove. I gotta stir it, 'cause you like your cheese evenly distributed.
Frank: Now, please.
Robert: [takes bell] That's it.
Frank: What are you doing? What's the big idea?
Robert: I'll get you out when I'm good and ready.
Frank: I'm ready now.
Robert: But I'm not.
Frank: I am the father. You are the son. The son must serve the father.
Robert: Oh yeah? You want to be served? All right, I'll serve you. But first, I'm gonna cook you. [turns hottub up]
Frank: What are you doing? Robert.

Ray: But, Mom.
Marie: What?
Ray: Maybe I'll-- I don't know. I'll go with you.
Marie: No, that's all right, dear, you don't have to.
Ray: No. I want to.
Marie: You want to go dancing?
Ray: Well, I don't know about that, but we can hang.
Marie: Don't be silly. We'll foxtrot.
Ray: Look, I don't know how to do that.
Marie: Yes you do. You remember your cousin Gene's wedding?
Ray: I was 13.
Marie: But you were very good. All right, just follow me now. It's step-step, quick step. Count with me.

Frank: Ow! Hey, hey!
Marie: Keep still.
Frank: Hey, come on. Try a little sensitivity here.
Marie: Too bad you're not a horse, we could shoot you.

Ray: No, Ma, you wanna go. I want you to go. Come on. What's it gonna take to get you just go?
Marie: I don't know... [smiles at Raymond]
Ray: No. Ma, look, Debra would never let me do that.
Marie: Now that would be a real present.
Ray: Ma, I would love to go but that wouldn't be fair to Robert.
Robert: No, no. I don't mind. I think it's fair. In fact, it's more than fair. It's funny.
Marie: Then, Robert, you can stay home and take care of your father.
Ray: Also funny.
Marie: Oh, Raymond! [hugs Ray]
Ray: This day started out so good.

Ray: Oh God, activities.
Marie: Whoo, I've always wanted to do shuffleboard. And bingo and candlemaking.
Ray: Oh good. Skeet shooting. I'd like to sign up as skeet.