Season 5, Episode 23 - Aired May 14, 2001
Debra is upset to learn her parents are separated when her mother, Lois (guest star Katherine Helmond), comes for a visit.
Quote from Warren
Warren: Don't cry, honey.
Debra: I can't help it. I mean, why the hell do you take vows if they don't mean anything?
Warren: We meant it then. We meant it when you were kids. But when your sister and then you went off to college, it kept getting harder.
Debra: Well, what about all the kissing, the traveling together and the Pookums 1 and 2 license plates? What was that?
Warren: I know. I know. I guess, by the end, most of that was just a show. And we had enough. We both had enough. It's not like Ray's parents.
Warren: They seem to have the secret.
Warren: They know how to do it. It's not a facade for them.
Debra: But they're maniacs.
Warren: Yes, but they're honest with each other. Everything's out in the open with them. "Eggs, Marie, and hold the chatter." I love that. I'll tell you, they're the ones who oughta be giving the seminar.
Quote from Frank
Marie: No, not those pants. They go to Goodwill.
Frank: Hey, I love these pants. Who the hell are you to give 'em to Goodwill?!
Marie: There are holes in the seat! You've worn through them!
Frank: Then you can't give 'em to Goodwill! That's bad will!
Marie: There are other pants in the dryer. Put on one of those.
Frank: No! These are the pants!
Marie: No, you are not wearing those pants, Frank! You're just like an animal!
Frank: Animals don't even like pants! [Marie and Frank have a tug of war over the pants] You did that on purpose!
Marie: I did not!
Frank: You're the animal!
Quote from Warren
Debra: I'm so sorry, Dad.
Warren: Yeah, me, too.
Debra: Sorry she's doing this to you.
Warren: What do you mean?
Debra: I know how she is.
Warren: Here, sit down. This is not your mother's fault.
Debra: Don't you defend her.
Warren: Listen to me. We have both been unhappy for some time now. Now, you know that.
Debra: All right, but you're the one who at least tries to make an effort, like wanting to go to that marriage counseling.
Warren: Can I tell you something? I never really wanted to go to New Jersey. You want to know why I picked that place? Because I was looking forward to how much your Mother would hate it. Well, she loved it, and I was the one bored out of my freakin' skull. Those workshops... "Polishing your soul mate's soul." So... You really mustn't blame your mother, honey. I'm the one who actually said it was over.
Debra: I don't believe it.
Warren: It's true.
Debra: And what did she say?
Warren: Well, she knew. We both knew.
Quote from Lois
Robert: People make mistakes.
Lois: I would say she's the one that made the mistake.
Robert: Thank you. [Lois puts her hand on Roberts] Oh, listen.
Lois: No, I was just trying to be consoling.
Robert: Good luck to you.
Lois: No, I didn't mean-
Robert: Good luck to you! [runs out]
Lois: [to herself] I'm sorry, he really is crazy.
Quote from Ray
Debra: I know they had problems, Ray.
Ray: Then why are you so surprised?
Debra: Because they're my parents! They're splitting up! What I can't believe is that they're the ones getting a divorce. It should be your parents.
Ray: Well. I don't think that's a particularly nice thing to say.
Debra: I'm sorry.
Ray: I think someone's awfully competitive.
Debra: All right, I'm sorry, Ray.
Ray: No, that's fine. Say what you want about my parents. You usually do. But I will say this. Maybe... Maybe your parents are splitting up because they kept everything inside for so long that they finally just exploded. Like when you put a pudding cup in the microwave. Which was not me, by the way.
Quote from Debra
Debra: Is that my new lipstick? Give me this. Now listen, you go upstairs and wash your faces. Hey hey, we don't have to have this cowboy party on Saturday. I'll get my scissors and cut your birthday right out of the calendar. [doorbell rings] Oh, come on! Maybe this is a bourbon salesman.
Quote from Marie
Debra: You know, you're early. The birthday party's not for two days.
Lois: No, I know. I came today because I wanted to talk to you.
Debra: Okay. But why didn't you call?
Lois: Your father and I have separated.
Marie: Hello, Lois.
Lois: Hi, Marie.
Marie: I saw you drive up. Was I given the wrong day for the party? What? What's going on? Did I miss something? I think I missed something.
Debra: It's okay. We'll see you later, okay, Marie?
Marie: But I think I missed something. If anybody needs to talk to me, I'm just right across the street. [Debra closes the door] I have marble cake!
Quote from Debra
Debra: What are you talking about? What do you mean you've separated?
Lois: Well, I don't suppose it's any secret that your father and I have had our problems. We even tried that marriage counseling thing in New Jersey.
Debra: Okay, one week of counseling and this is what you come up with? This is how you work things out?
Lois: Oh, honey, this can't be a complete surprise. You know we were never truly compatible and New Jersey actually made us see that.
Debra: Oh, yeah, that's right, New Jersey, "The Just Give Up State."
Quote from Lois
Lois: Well, it was 41 years, so you can't say we didn't give it a shot. Now please, don't be upset, because I'm not, really. I feel wonderful and free.
Debra: You're unbelievable. And what about Dad?
Lois: Well, he's fine too, and we'll stay close. We'll probably be better friends than before. And you know Pat and Cyril went through this, and they're much happier now. They share custody of the dogs.
Debra: This is just like you, you know? Your hip and trendy lifestyle. It's chic to get separated now, so that's what you do instead of putting any effort into-
Lois: Oh, come on, Debra, now that's not fair. It's been nothing but effort, and I have tried.
Debra: You have never tried anything for longer than it was on a magazine cover.
Quote from Frank
Lois: [knocks, enters] Marie. Hello?
Frank: [in his underpants] Hiya, Lois.
Lois: I was looking for Marie.
Frank: Oh, yeah? For me, just the opposite. [drinks from the bottle, wipes it with his sleeve] Juice?
Lois: No, thank you. Would you mind if I just hung out here for a bit? [Marie enters]
Frank: Nothing's going on.
Marie: What are you? Put on some clothes with company in the house.
Frank: What company? She's family. Hey, there's nothing here she ain't seen on Warren. Am I wrong? Hey, where is Warren? Abu Dhabi or something?
Lois: Could be. That's why I came over. I want to tell you that Warren and I are splitting up.
Frank: I'll put pants on.