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‘Peter on the Couch’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Peter on the Couch

806. Peter on the Couch

Aired November 3, 2003

After helping to move furniture into Robert and Amy's apartment, Peter ends up staying on their couch.

Quote from Robert

Peter: Man, I just didn't see this one coming. I mean, every night my mother would leave a plate of cookies and a cup of hot cocoa outside my door. Does that say "Get the hell out" to you?
Robert: Yeah, they send you all these mixed signals. My mom was the same way. With the food, all the meats and the sauces. You're all doped up like a bear in the zoo. You don't want to be there, but you lose the will to escape.

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Quote from Frank

Frank: Those two think their troubles are over. Believe me, you don't want a relative like that living so close to you. You can never get rid of 'em.

Quote from Peter

Peter: You know something? Enjoy your movie. I'm going back to Mom and Dad's.
Robert: Finally.
Amy: Peter, wait.
Peter: No. I'm walking to the bus station.
Amy: You're never gonna be able to get a bus home tonight.
Peter: Then I'll sleep there overnight. Nobody judges you on the floor of the bus station.
Amy: You can't sleep down there! Robert, please, do something!
Robert: All right! I'll drive him back to Pennsylvania.
Peter: Oh yeah, that's what I need: you, me, and no witnesses.

Quote from Pat

Peter: So, that's it?
Pat: I'm sorry, Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus.
Peter: Jesus doesn't need a room! His dad didn't throw him out! I need my kitty! Where's Miss Puss? Miss Puss-Puss!
Hank: She's outside.
Peter: What?! Outside?! No! Miss Puss is an inside cat!
Pat: Not anymore.

Quote from Marie

Amy: But that just doesn't sound like my parents. They loved having him there. They did everything for him.
Marie: Amy, dear, you have to understand. A child is like a baby robin. You feed him, you nurture him, you get him strong so when the time comes, he's ready to fly away and bring you back grand-robins. And no matter how much you want him to, sometimes there's a robin who just won't fly away.
Frank: And before you know it, you got a 40-year-old robin who can't lift his ass out of the nest.
Amy: I guess it had been going on for so long that we all just got used to it, but I know...
Debra: Yeah. A 40-year-old man still living at his parents' house is a little weird.
Marie: Well, the boy gets used to certain things. Your mother doing your laundry for you and fixing your meals.
Frank: Changing your diaper.
Ray: Taking your temperature the old-fashioned way.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Did you notice he was wearing my shirt? I guess he just went into the drawer and helped himself.
Amy: Actually, I gave it to him.
Robert: Ah!
Amy: He needs something to wear while he rinses out his clothes. He only had the one outfit.
Robert: Yeah, I noticed his underwear hanging on the doorknob, which reminds me... If you go out today, pick up a new doorknob.
Amy: Oh, that's right. I also gave him a pair of your briefs. I had to pin them.

Quote from Amy

Robert: Amy. Um, maybe it's just me, but all you did was ask him to dinner, and now he's living on our couch.
Amy: Oh, Robert, he's been nothing but nice and helpful since he got here.
Robert: I'm sorry. Honey... I can't live like this. [Amy cries] Okay. What are you doing? Come on. Amy, stop crying. Please don't cry. You know I can't stand it when- Look! Fruit!
Amy: No, you're right. It's my fault. I know you never liked Peter. I never should've let him stay. But I thought maybe you'd get to know him, 'cause he's really very sweet.
Robert: No no, I know, but you have to admit, he's a little...
Amy: No, I know. We all know!
Robert: Then why do we need him here?
Amy: Because he's my brother. You know, Robert, I make an effort with your family. I try because they're a little... too!

Quote from Peter

Amy: So, Peter have you spoken to Mom and Dad?
Peter: Yeah, I called them yesterday. You know what I told them? I told them how much I love it here. And they go, "When are you coming home?" And I go, "I'll see ya when I see ya. New York is my lady."
Amy: That's great, Peter. What did they say?
Peter: They didn't know what to say. You know, they're so wrapped up in their little puritanical Pennsylvanian snow globe of a world. I mean, this really shook 'em up, man!
Robert: That's great, man.
Peter: Listen, guys, when you're done eating, just put the plates in the sink, and I'll get to them later. Right now there's a mudpack with my name on it!

Quote from Pat

Pat: Hello, Ray. What a surprise.
Ray: Hi. Hi, Mrs. MacDougall. Uh, it was quite a long drive. Could I use your facilities?
Pat: Certainly. Come in. Right through there and to the left. There are cherubs on the door.

Quote from Pat

Peter: Uh, Mama, what are you working on here?
Pat: Oh, just tidying up a bit.
Peter: Yeah, Mama, but these are all my Foghat albums. What are you doing touching these?
Hank: Pat, you won't believe the filth he's got down there. Have you ever heard of something called "Mad Magazine"? [looks up] Oh, Peter.
Peter: My stuff! What are you doing touching my stuff?!
Hank: Well, you see, Peter, we're sort of reconsidering the layout of the basement.
Peter: What do you mean?
Pat: How it would lay out if you were... gone.

Quote from Hank

Peter: So, wait a second. I take off for a week, and you're moving me out?
Hank: We're changing the basement into a prayer-and-Bible-study room.
Peter: What?!
Hank: Well, Peter, when you said New York was your lady, we were a little concerned, but then we sort of got used to the idea.
Pat: And as time went by, we thought, "Our boy's growing up. He's ready to be on his own."
Hank: Good luck, son.

Quote from Frank

Amy: What happened?
Ray: Well, your father said they're going to turn his room into a prayer chamber or something.
Frank: Now, why doesn't that guy just put a steeple on his roof and call it a day?

Quote from Robert

Robert: Rough night, huh?
Peter: Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard you all in there laughing.
Robert: I wasn't laughing.
Peter: Oh, yeah right.
Robert: Listen, Peter, I know what you're going through.
Peter: No, you don't. Do you know that if I had come home 10 minutes later, I would've had to go through the garbage to find my blueprints to the Batcave?
Robert: Well, I wasn't out of my folks' house 10 minutes before my dad started putting in a Jacuzzi where my bed used to be.
Peter: They put in a Jacuzzi? Well, your parents are cool.
Robert: Come look at 'em use it. Not so cool.

Quote from Robert

Robert: And I thought I was doing them a favor by staying.
Peter: Yeah, me too.
Robert: They want you there until they don't want you there.
Peter: You know, I got the raw deal 'cause I was the oldest. You know, so they made all their mistakes with me.
Robert: Yeah, me too. It's like I was the practice kid. It's like, "Oh well, now we know not to drop Raymond."
Peter: You know, in my house, it was, "Not now, Peter. Amy's playing the piano. Take off your cape and eat your dinner."


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