Roland: My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.
Johnny: My son is pansexual.
Roland: Mm-hmm, I've heard of that. I know what that is. That's, uh, that cookware fetish.
Johnny: No.
Roland: Mm-hmm!
Johnny: No, no.
Roland: No, I read about that.
Johnny: No. He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I'm his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would've been less confusing.
Roland: Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can't tell our kids who to love. Who said that?
Johnny: You did.

Johnny: You didn't hear us last night?
Roland: Nope.
Johnny: Banging away?
Roland: Now, whatever you and the missus do after hours, that's your business, not mine.
Johnny: On the walls, Roland, with our fists!
Roland: And if you're into that kind of stuff, that doesn't bother me at all.

Johnny: It's been three days without any contact.
Roland: Johnny, you wouldn't know this, but statistics tell us you have a 48 hour window before you can assume somebody is dead.
Johnny: Yeah, I just said it's been three days.
Roland: Then do we call off the search?
Johnny: Oh, my God!

Hank: But why do you do it? Are you using your chin to test the temperature of your food?
Pat: Oh, that's silly, Hank. He'd have a big red mark on his chin every time the food was too hot.
Hank: That's true. So it's not that?
Peter: That's where his mouth was when he got here. He's still growing. [laughs]

Peter: No, Mama, I'm sorry. I have tried to keep certain details from you, but now you have to know. Isn't it true, Lieutenant Baro-nay, that while you were seeing Amy, you were also seeing two other women?
Pat: What?
Robert: No, no! That was just like for a minute. You see, the first girl I met was when I went to Italy, and it was really just an international mix-up. And- And then the other girl was my ex-wife, which...
Hank: Ex-wife?
Pat: Oh my. You're divorced?
Peter: She was a stripper, wasn't she?
Robert: No, not at all. She- She was a dancer of the exotic tradition.
Peter: You know what, why don't we just cut to the chase here so you can be on your way, okay? Robert took Amy's virginity.
Pat: Oh.
Hank: What? What? [covers the Jesus jigsaw puzzle]

Debra: You are ruining this for Peter!
Peggy: Okay, that's it. I'm just gonna go.
Peter: No, Peggy, don't go yet.
Peggy: You know what? Listen, it was really nice to meet you, but I came here for a drink, not an arranged marriage. But you have all been lovely. Good night.
Peter: Peggy, wait. Don't go yet. Peggy, I'm not like these people. They're freaks.