Debra: Ray, you've got nothing to feel guilty for. You didn't do anything. As a matter of fact, you were defending them.
Ray: That doesn't matter. Guilt is just a way of life for me. I was trained by masters: my mother, my father, the Pope.

Priest: We all have these kinds of feeling from time to time. You know, there was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a bit abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I wanted to get him out of my hair. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. One day, I said, "Frank, I think..."
Ray: Wait, a minute his name was Frank?
Priest: That's unimportant. The point-
Ray: No. Frank Barone?
Priest: You know Frank Barone?
Ray: He's my father.
Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?
Ray: Yes.
Priest: You're absolved.
Ray: What?
Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.
Ray: Yeah? Really? You're sure?
Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

Ray: I'm sorry, Father, I thought this was the confessional.
Priest: This is the confessional.
Ray: uh, where's the booth with the kneeler and the sliding window through which you can't see me?
Priest: You haven't been here in a while have you?
Ray: Uh, about twenty years. I've been good.

Ray: Oh, I start, right? Okay. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been, well, you know, a long time since my last confession. Let's see. Uh, I've cursed about 90,000 times. Ate a lot of meat on Fridays.
Priest: Oh, we abolished that rule a long time ago.
Ray: Wow, you guys are changing everything.
Priest: Now, what really brings you here after 20 years?
Ray: All right, the thing is I think I broke one of the commandments. The one about "Honor thy father and thy mother".
Priest: Really?
Ray: That's bad, huh?
Priest: I just don't get that one a lot. At least not from someone in your age group. You're more in the "Covet thy neighbor's wife" phase of life.

Frank: What are you doing in your pajamas?
Ray: It's a little early for woodworking, isn't it?
Frank: Not for me. I never felt so alive. You know the satisfaction of doing something with your own two hands?
Debra: I'm imagining it right now.

Debra: Now the neighbors want to come over here tonight to discuss your parents.
Ray: Discuss my parents?
Debra: This is so embarrassing. And she actually said "your family", like I have anything to do with it.
Ray: Who are these people to discuss my parents?
Debra: I should have kept my maiden name.

Ray: Okay, all right. I understand. You're talking about the noise: the car alarm, the buzz saw, my mom. I'm gonna handle it. Okay? Good meeting. Thank you very much. You know, take some cookies. My mom made those. They're pretty good.

Mack: You know your father's leaf blower? Last week, he blew everything from his lawn onto mine, including a dead chipmunk.
Ray: You're right. Nobody should blow rodents around.
Arthur: And your mother accepts my packages and then she neglects to inform me.
Ray: Yeah, you're mad now, but when one of those babies explodes you're gonna thank her.

Ruth: We are very serious, Ray. We hope you will talk to your parents about all of these things because we don't wanna have to go to the extreme.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Lilly: We could initiate legal action and get your parents out of the neighborhood.
Debra: ls that possible? I was just asking a question.
Ray: Right.
Arthur: Nobody really wants that to happen. They're older people. Where would they go?
Debra: Florida.
Ray: What are you doing?
Debra: It's warm in Florida.

Ray: All right, listen. Let's back up here a second. They make a little noise and they could be a little irksome sometimes. But come on, let's look at their good points, too. They recycle. They're not cannibals.
Mack: I didn't want have to show this, but I have a tape.
Ray: They are cannibals?