Ally: Do some animals go to hell?
Marie: We don't use those words, Ally.
Frank: Bad animals go to hell, kid. Believe you me, I know. When I was your age, there was this mean old German shepherd named Elsa. I was walking to school one day and I must have crossed too close to her territory. In those days, the Germans were very sensitive about their territory. Well, that's all it took for Fraulein Elsa the Nazi she-wolf to jump out and take a hunk out of my all-American hide. I still have the scar. You want to see it? I'll show you.
Marie: No, Frank!
Ray: What are you doing? Sit down.
Frank: All right! The point is Fraulein Elsa's probably in hell right now dragging her Nazi butt across the devil's carpet.
Ray: Thank you for that heartwarming story.

Frank: For your information, there's a whole separate heaven for animals.
Marie: And just where did you learn that?
Frank: It's in the Bible.
Marie: Like you read the Bible.
Frank: I've read plenty of damn Bibles.
Ally: Do all animals go to heaven or just pets?
Marie: All animals go to people heaven with us, dear.
Frank: People heaven's for people. Your grandma's been hitting the sauce.

Robert: [clears throat] Death... the final goodbye. The ultimate toodle-oo. Or maybe death is not the end. Maybe it's a beginning. Perhaps, it's the ultimate howdy-do.
Ray: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
Robert: What's the matter, Ray, too deep for you?
Ray: Oh, God.
Debra: Go ahead, Robert.
Robert: You know, I have come to the conclusion that when I die, I would like to die like Pumpernickel. Quietly, painlessly, chocolate fudge pop stuck to the corner of my mouth. For that, my friends, must be a happy death. Aloha, which means goodbye and hello.
Ray: All right.
Robert: Same with shalom.
Ray: Shut up. One meaning.

Debra: Ray. What happened here?
Ray: Oh, nothing. Nuh-uh. Why?
Ally: What's that?
Ray: Oh, oh, we gave Pumpernickel a ride in Robert's police car. Yeah, yeah. He liked it, too. Rode the whole way with his head out the window.
Ally: This isn't Pumpernickel. Daddy, where's Pumpernickel?
Ray: Um... Um...
Robert: Pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks.

Ally: Your turn, Daddy.
Ray: Uh, um... I didn't have much contact with... I didn't know Pumpernickel very well. The only thing I remember is when we brought him back from the pet store, and Ally wanted me to hold him, so I reached out to grab him and he bit me on the finger. And it hurt. So Daddy said a bad word. But Ally picked up the Pumpernickel and she showed me showed me how to hold him. Like this. Right? [Ally nods] I never noticed until just now how grown-up you are. The way you were with your friend, and what you said just now, you really, really seem grown-up. I'm proud of you.
Frank: [emotional] Damn hamster!
Ally: Daddy? Can we get a rabbit tomorrow?
Ray: Yeah, guys, whatever you want.
Kids: Yeah! Cool! A rabbit! Whoo! Yahoo! Yeah!
Ray: Rabbit. That's a bigger hole.

Frank: Hey, Ray, you forgot to fill the ice trays.
Robert: Well, then we'll just pack him with fudge pops.
Frank: What about this box of fish sticks?
Marie: Oh, throw them in too. Then when Debra comes home, I'll show her how to cook a real fish.

Robert: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute. He may not be dead.
Frank: What, are you kidding? You could crack a walnut with that thing.
Robert: No, I'm serious. He may be cryogenically preserved in a state of suspended animation.
Ray: He's dead, all right? I have to buy another one now.
Robert: Okay, look, not necessarily, Ray. We may be able to resuscitate him.
Frank: Hey, let's toss him in the microwave.
Robert: All right, that's it. I'm taking over this operation. Ma, get me some towels. Dad, I need some ice. Raymond, a cooler. We're evacuating Pumpernickel to the vet. Let's go. Move, move, move, move, move.
Ray: Robert, the vet is not gonna revive a hamster, okay? These are disposable pets.
What about your daughter's feelings, huh, Ray? Are those disposable?
Ray: All right.
Robert: No, it's not all right! I happen to care about a little girl whose heart is gonna break if she finds out that her daddy didn't do everything he could to save the life of her precious hamster. Now damn it, Raymond, get me that cooler.

Ally: Your turn, Mommy.
Debra: Okay, well, I've always felt very close to Pumpernickel, especially since I did a lot of the feeding and cleaning and, you know, most of the work. So Pumpernickel's passing is gonna leave a big hole in my life. Can't imagine what I'll do with the time. So long, Pumpernickel.

Robert: Hey, Ray.
Ray: Shut the door. Shut it!
Robert: Why, why?
Ray: Shut the door and don't walk anywhere! Don't move!
Robert: You're freakin' me out, man! What's going on?
Ray: I've gotta- I lost the hamster, Ally's hamster.
Robert: Oh, no, he got out?
Ray: Yes, he got out. What the hell? [Robert checks his shoes] Come on. Debra and the kids are gonna be home in an hour. You gotta help me look for him.
Robert: They leave you alone for one weekend, and the only other living thing in the house needs to run away.

Ray: Ma, you're supposed to help me.
Marie: Would you look at these crumbs? The way Debra keeps this kitchen, it's a miracle this place isn't infested with hamsters.