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‘Talk to Your Daughter’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Talk to Your Daughter

619. Talk to Your Daughter

Aired March 18, 2002

When Ray educates himself to have an important talk with Ally, it turns out to be a different talk than he expected.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Will you please stop? It turns out Ally doesn't want to know how we get here, she wants to know why we're here, why God put us on Earth. And she's waiting for Ray to answer her.
Frank: What's wrong with you? It's simple.
Ray: Oh, okay. Yeah. We're gonna learn the meaning of life from a guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.
Frank: That's called protecting your sandwich. Listen to me. Here's what life is: you're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. That's it. That's all. Cannoli, Marie!

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Quote from Debra

Ray: What, you want me to have the sex talk with her?
Debra: Yeah, right.
Ray: What, you don't think I can do it? I'll have the sex talk with her.
Debra: You know what, Ray? You can be there, and I'll explain it to the both of you.

Quote from Robert

Robert: You ever think about space? What is it? Is it really endless? I mean, if you had a spaceship, could you go flying and flying forever?
Frank: Why don't you give it a shot?
Robert: No! I'm not kidding around here. How can space go on forever, and if it doesn't, then what's at the end, huh?
Marie: Stop it, Robbie, you'll give yourself a tummy ache.
Robert: What about the beginning of time? What was there before that, before time? Nothing? I mean, what is nothing? How could there be nothing? This doesn't bother anybody else?!

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, Marie, while you're holding that Bible, I've got a question for you. Did you eat the two missing cannolis?
Marie: Frank, I'm not gonna let you use the Bible like that.
Frank: Answer me, yes or no?
Marie: This is ridiculous! [puts down the bible] No, I didn't eat those two cannolis.
Frank: Did you see what she did? Pick it up and tell us what happened to those cannolis!
Marie: Oh, shut up!
Frank: Thou shalt not eat the cannoli!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Okay, you really want to know why God wants us here first. That's a good question. You see, God is up in Heaven, and... Well, honey it's very crowded up there.
Ally: It is?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah. And you don't want to be in Heaven if it's crowded, right? Remember when we went to Disney World, how crowded that was? I mean, it was fun, but it was too crowded. So God, he sends us down to Earth for a little while to ease the Heavenly congestion.
Ally: What?
Ray: [sneezes] Here we go again! [sneezes] I don't want to- [sneezes] I don't want you to catch this. [sneezes] I'll be back in a minute. [sneezes]

Quote from Frank

Debra: Ally started asking about where babies come from, and Ray was going to talk to her about it-
Marie: Wait, you were gonna talk to a child about s-e-x?
Debra: Marie, if she's asking questions, we have to answer her.
Marie: No, you don't. My boys had all sorts of questions, but I had Frank wait until they were teenagers to talk to them.
Robert: Nobody talked to me.
Ray: Yeah, what? Me neither.
Marie: Frank, you told me you'd talk to them.
Frank: Why? What did they need to hear? No one needs to tell a bee where to go to get the honey. Am I right, Ray?

Quote from Robert

Robert: Do you know the fruit fly only lives one day?
Ray: Huh? What? Are you okay there?
Robert: One day. What's his meaning of life, huh? Maybe there's no meaning of life for any one of us. I mean, really, am I any different than the fruit fly?
Frank: The fruit part's the same.
Debra: Robert, the fruit fly doesn't question why he's here. That's what makes us different. I mean, maybe that's kind of the meaning of life never knowing the answer, but always wondering.
Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?
Robert: Come on!

Quote from Robert

Robert: Never mind the cannolis, Ma. Take this Bible and tell me you don't spend more money on Raymond's Christmas gifts than mine!
Marie: That's ridiculous!
Robert: Fifth grade bike, slippers. Tell the truth!
Marie: Those slippers were very expensive.
Robert: Take the book!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, blubberhead.
Debra: Hi, honey. Don't fill up on too much junk food 'cause I'm cooking us dinner. [goes into the kitchen]
Bernie: You call her blubberhead and get a kiss?
Ray: Yeah. I could call her anything, really, as long as I give it that spin to it. "Hey, blubberhead."
Robert: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You couldn't just call her anything.
Ray: Yeah, yeah. No, I could. She just hears the cute tone. She doesn't really hear the word.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What? What's this?
Debra: It's a book I was reading about this.
Ray: Really? A book?
Debra: Uh, yeah. You have to prepare. You can't just go in there and do a puppet show.
Ray: All right. Yeah. Yeah, this all looks familiar. Although it's been a while. Hey, how do you pronounce that again?
Debra: Fallopian.
Ray: Not "fall-ah-pian"? Right, right. Fallopian, yeah.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What have you got? I'm telling you, it's foolproof.
Robert: Hey, come on, Ray. She's gonna get mad.
Gianni: Smelly. How about smelly?
Bernie: No, no. It's too easy. Trampy. Try trampy.
Robert: Guys. Guys, come on.
Ray: I got it, I got it "smelly tramp."
Debra: [enters] Ray, did you pick up the mail?
Ray: Yeah, it's over there. Nothing but bills today, smelly tramp.
Debra: I know. We always get so much- [stares at Ray] Robert made me do it.

Quote from Ray

Debra: It's just that you're so immature all the time.
Ray: That's not true, all right? It isn't.
Debra: Oh, no? Who made Geoffrey cry at Christmas because Daddy had to try the toy airplane before anybody else?
Ray: Hey, it took two hours to put the damn thing together. I can't get one throw?
Debra: And who does the "hysterical" nursery rhymes for the kids? "Little Jack Horner sat in the corner, something, something, poop and pee."
Ray: You gotta give the people what they want.
Debra: How about setting an example for them?
Ray: Hey, I'm a great example, okay? Yeah, I kid around, but when it's crunch time, I'm right there.
Debra: Oh, yeah, like the other day when Ally was asking you how babies get here, and you suddenly had a sneeze attack and ran out of the room?
Ray: So I should just sneeze on my daughter?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Okay. Here's what happens. When a man and a woman love each other very much, they get married, and then sometimes they decide to make a baby.
Ally: Why are there babies?
Ray: Right, right. Okay, I'm gonna get to that. Okay. What a man and a woman do is...
Ally: No, I mean, I know that the man and the woman have to do something, but why are we born? Why has God put us here?
Ray: Because that's... What?
Ally: If we all go to Heaven when we die, then why does God want us here first?
Ray: Why does God want us here?
Ally: Yeah, why? [Ray searches the book] Why are we here, Daddy?
Ray: Yeah, I heard you, I heard you. You don't want to talk about sex?
Ally: No.
Ray: You ever hear the word "fallopian"?

Quote from Ray

Ray: [sneezes]
Debra: What are you doing? You were only up there-
Ray: I got blindsided!
Debra: What? What do you mean?
Ray: Ally didn't want to talk about sex. She started asking questions about life, why did God put us here, crazy stuff like that.
Debra: Wow! So what did you say?
Ray: I told her we're here because Heaven is crowded.
Debra: You said Heaven is crowded?
Ray: I got ambushed!

Quote from Frank

Marie: And I made cannolis.
Debra: Actually, we're kind of in the middle of something, right, Ray?
Ray: What, you only made four?
Debra: Ray!
Ray: It's just that there's five of us.
Marie: I made six, but your father got at 'em.
Frank: No, I didn't.
Marie: Well, I guess two had wings, 'cause they just flew away.
Frank: Then make another one of those and climb aboard.

Quote from Marie

Marie: This is terrible. You know, Robert, this might explain why you're still single.
Robert: What?
Marie: Sexual relations can be very confusing. I should have never left it up to your father. Do you want to talk?
Robert: You know, I would, but I don't know what we'd do with all the vomit.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Listen, we're not talking about what we do while we're here, Dad.
Robert: Yeah. The big question is why we're here in the first place. You know, I've spent many a night lying in bed thinking about this kind of stuff. Life's imponderables.
Frank: You need to find yourself a broad, and pronto.
Robert: Where are we? Where are we in the big scheme of things?
Frank: Don't got to be a pretty one. Just grab something.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Okay, everybody listen to me. Sit down. Listen. "In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth." Okay, okay, okay, "Let there be light." Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. It might take me a minute more.
Debra: A minute more? Marie, religious scholars spend their lives trying to answer this question. You're not going to flip through the Bible and find the meaning of life.
Marie: O, ye of little faith. That's in here somewhere, too.

Quote from Ray

Debra: If you want to know what's in the Bible, why don't you talk to Father Hubley?
Ray: Hey, that's right. You know what, it's his job to know these things.
Debra: Are you gonna call him?
Ray: Yeah. What are we putting the money in that basket for?

Quote from Frank

Ray: What am I going to tell Ally? She's waiting now.
Frank: Tell her to come down here. I'll set her straight. No more of this nonsense.
Debra: It's not nonsense, Frank! Haven't you ever heard that the unexamined life is not worth living?
Frank: Hey, you know what? [snores]
Marie: You see, that's your problem, Frank. You're so closed-minded.
Frank: No, the problem is, you're so open-mouthed.


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