Ray: He tells me he just found out that his favorite receiver, Ricky Friedman, who also happens to be his best friend, has been with his wife.
Debra: No!
Frank: Women.
Debra: Oh, right, so you automatically blame the woman?
Frank: She's cheating on her husband!
Debra: Well, what about the friend? He has no responsibility?
Frank: Let me tell you something: God programmed man to sow his seed where he may. He programmed women to limit the crop to one farmer. His broad didn't get with the program.

Debra: That is weird.
Ray: It was. It was like he was trying to be a father or something. The last couple of days he's been all pleasant.
Debra: Pleasant? Was he feverish?
Ray: Remember that construction worker in "Ripley's Believe It or Not," the guy who got the metal rod stuck in his brain? You know, he lived but his personality changed?
Debra: I guess he was suddenly more irritable.
Ray: Yes. Yes, but with my father, it's the exact opposite. All of a sudden he's nice. It's weird. At first it seemed fake, but then I don't know. We were talking and he was listening. Yeah. It was nice. I don't know. I liked it.
Debra: You know what I think it might be? Your father's getting older, and this is how he's trying to connect. I mean, Frank's not the kind of guy that would change if you told him to, but maybe he's come around to it by himself.
Ray: Or there's a rod in there somewhere.

Debra: Well, maybe she was unhappy. Did you ever think of that?
Ray: He told me everything seemed fine.
Debra: Well, maybe he was out of touch with her feelings.
Ray: Maybe he had a lot on his mind.
Debra: Maybe she needed somebody to talk to.
Ray: Maybe all her talking was complaining.
Debra: Well, maybe he was on the road a lot.
Ray: Maybe he had to make a living.
Debra: Maybe all he did when he was home was sit on the couch and watch TV.
Frank: When are you going to learn, Ray? You can't talk sports with the wife.

Robert: Ma, I do my own shopping now. I don't need all this.
Marie: I saw your refrigerator in that apartment. All right. Now, this is beef stroganoff and you eat it with the noodles. Ooh, and I got your favorite! Steak and macaroni and ham-and-cheese Alfredo.
Robert: All right, Ma. Well, I appreciate it. You know, with my schedule, it's hard to eat healthy. [picks up a chicken wing] Oh, baby.
Marie: No no no, Robby. That's not for you. Chicken is for Raymond.
Robert: Of course. Raymond gets the chicken.

Ray: Is Dad around?
Marie: No, you just missed him. He's on his way to the barber shop.
Robert: Barber? Why doesn't he just go down to the bowling alley and stick his head in the ball buffer? [Robert & Marie laugh]
Ray: Come on, that's a little rough.
Marie: What?
Ray: Listen, listen. Has Dad been acting different lately?
Marie: You know, now that you mention it, he has been in a very good mood.
Ray: Yeah?
Marie: Yeah. And I notice he hasn't been quite so cheap. Like today, he's not only getting a haircut, he's also getting a shave.
Robert: I think if you're charging Dad for a haircut, you throw in the shave! [Robert & Marie laugh]

Ray: I don't know. Lately, Dad's been acting different to me, like nicer.
Robert: Yeah? Typical.
Ray: So he hasn't been acting nicer to you?
Robert: That's surprising, isn't it, Ray? [takes the chicken wing, eats a bite and holds onto it]
Marie: Robby, chicken doesn't go there. Give me that. Come on. And it's not for you. It's for Raymond.
Ray: I'm good. [doorbell rings]
Marie: Raymond, would you get that for me, please? [to Robert] Give me that.
Robert: Raymond said I could have it. [Marie throws the chicken wing out] You'd rather throw it in the garbage than give it to me?
Marie: It's the only way you'll learn.

Marie: Oh, Robert. I'm glad you're here. I think I figured out why your father's been acting so differently. It all adds up I mean, the pleasantness, the spending and the haircut. He's fooling around.
Robert: Fooling around? Come on.
Marie: I'll tell you something, if that weasel thinks he can stay with me and keep some chippy on the side...
Frank: [enters] Where's Ray?
Marie: Who is it, Frank? Lichtman?!
Frank: Ray!
Marie: Oh, sure sure. You're just a-
Frank: Ray Barone!
Marie: You know, that's a wig she wears!

Marie: So you're not having an affair with Harriet Lichtman?
Frank: Was there an offer?
Robert: See, Ma? I told you it was nothing.
Marie: Huh, you would think I'd be happier. Come on, Robby.
Robert: Dad, if you want, you can use me for stuff 'cause I wouldn't mind the occasional compliment even if it is from your wazoo.

Frank: Hey, you think I like having to do the hokey-pokey around you just to get some information? I mean, if you weren't such a Boy Scout, I could just come right out and say, "Ray, who do you like in the game tonight?" And then we'd bet together, and we'd win together. And then we'd go to one of those restaurants where the girls have the tight tops and bring you the big burgers. That's the real father-and-son stuff!
Ray: That's real nice, Dad, but you know what I do for a living. You know I could never bet with you.
Frank: Hence the ruse! You know, you're out of line if you think that I was faking the part about enjoying whatever, you know, you and me. And if that's how you feel about the betting stuff, I won't do it anymore, okay? [Ray shrugs]
Ray: What are you doing?
Frank: [sits down] How are the kids?
Ray: Yeah, they're good.
Frank: And how do the twins like that new preschool there?
Ray: Yeah, they like it. It's good.
Frank: Good! Okay. [gets up]
Ray: What?
Frank: I think that was a good start, don't you? Let's not push it.
Ray: Yeah, okay. Maybe we'll do some more tomorrow.
Frank: Let's play it by ear.

Robert: Hey, Dad.
Frank: Hey.
Robert: Listen, you know the corner of Hempstead Turnpike and Uniondale?
Frank: Yeah. There's a new speed trap there.
Robert: Good to know.
Frank: Ray already told me.
Robert: Come on! God!