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‘The Will’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Will

405. The Will

Aired October 18, 1999

Debra and Ray consider who they would leave the kids to as they prepare a will.

Quote from Ray

Ray: We should put something in there that if I die you can't marry another man named Ray.
David Atkins: Excuse me?
Ray: Well, 'cause eventually everyone would call him Ray and me "Dead Ray."
David Atkins: I don't think I can-
Debra: Just ignore him.

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Quote from Robert

Robert: I wasn't even asked.
Ray: Well, Robert, we just, you know...
Robert: Who'd you pick?
Debra: Linda and Bernie Gruenfelder.
Robert: Bernie Gruenfelder. Well, let's see: A chubby jet-ski salesman versus a blood-related protector of the people? Yeah, well, that's a no-brainer.

Quote from Debra

Debra: All right, I'm sorry. So the salt didn't stay on your pretzel.
Ray: Yes! All right, so I'm... I'm bending down to wipe the salt off my shirt, and bam, a foul ball comes flying into the booth. It came this close to hitting me!
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Yeah! I felt its wind! And then I turn and Andy, who just got a turkey and cheese sandwich, and the ball knocks it off his tray. The soda, pickles, chips, chocolate cake, everything!
Debra: You get chocolate cake in the press box?
Ray: It was Friday. We get a different cake every Friday. But you're missing the point.
Debra: No, I'm getting the point. A ball bounced into your world and disturbed paradise!

Quote from Robert

Robert: [enters] Ma wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas.
Debra: Robert, you have a will, right?
Robert: Why? What did you hear? Is that why Ma's making frittatas?
Debra: No, Ray and I were talking about wills, and he doesn't want to make one.
Robert: Oh, why not?
Debra: He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.
Robert: No, no, no, silly. If you don't have a will you're tempting fate. "I don't need a will. I'm gonna live forever." Manhole!
Ray: I don't know.
Robert: Raymond, listen to me. You need to have a will and eat a fibrous breakfast every morning and nothing can touch you.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Look, it doesn't have to be a relative.
Ray: No?
Debra: No. The character of the couple is what's important. What are their values? Are they loving? Are they patient? Are they honest?
Ray: If we find people like that, we should give them the children right now!

Quote from Ray

Ray: How are you going to ask them?
Debra: I don't know. I can't rehearse it.
Ray: Well, you just can't say, "Hey, when we die and you go to the funeral, bring the minivan."

Quote from Ray

Debra: He's meeting with us about our wills.
Ray: Wills? No, no, no. I do not want a will. It's bad luck.
Debra: Look, you've been putting this off for years. And I would think you'd want to be prepared, especially after your near-death experience.
Ray: Near-death, I was going for pity sex.
Debra: You know, I don't understand you. You were fine when we did the life insurance.
Ray: Insurance is too dull to be scary. By the way, how much do you get if I die?
Debra: $800,000.
Ray: That was a little fast. Right? Yeah. Your social security number, you got to look that up, but that number, oh yeah. Right there, right on the tip of your tongue.

Quote from Ray

David Atkins: Now all that remains is the issue of who should be granted guardianship of the children.
Ray: What do you mean?
David Atkins: Well, guardianship in the event that both of you die at the same time.
Ray: Wow, party pooper. I guess that would be my parents, Frank and Marie-
Debra: Uh, Ray I don't know if they're really the best choice. Well, I mean, they're over here all the time anyway, right? They know where everything is.
Debra: Just because they're convenient doesn't mean they're the right choice.
Ray: You want your parents? That's not exactly a kid-friendly house. All the pointy metal sculptures. And your father, you know... [makes drinking gesture]
Debra: Ray! We have to discuss this.
Ray: "Discuss!" Here we go! Hey, maybe you'd better take us off the meter.
David Atkins: Take your time.

Quote from Marie

Ray: So we're settled?
Debra: Yeah. So it's Bernie and Linda, we have a will and you're still alive! Yea. I guess we didn't displease any of your vengeful gods, huh?
Marie: [enters] Hi, dears. I saw you had some store-bought pudding and I thought the children might want to try something homemade.

Quote from Marie

Marie: You're leaving the children to strangers?
Ray: Ma, Bernie and Linda aren't strangers.
Marie: Please. Please, you don't owe me any explanation. They're your children. It's your life, isn't it?
Ray: That's been the dream.
Marie: Well, I don't want to keep you. I just came over to try to, you know, help.
Ray: Ma, if Bernie and Linda drop dead, you're on deck!
Debra: Well, thank you. And that's for the children. Tell them it's from... a friend. [exits, returns] You know, actually, this could be a good lesson for me. To learn to be content with what is and not to hope for what could be.
Debra: So what could be is us dying and you raising our children?
Marie: Well, not anymore.

Quote from Frank

Debra: We had to pick guardians for the kids.
Frank: And it's not us?
Marie: No.
Frank: Okay.
Ray: What, you wouldn't have wanted the kids?
Frank: Would you?

Quote from Marie

Frank: Where's the whipped cream?
Debra: Marie, please try to understand.
Marie: I understand. You prefer to give your children to gypsies instead of me.
Frank: Cheer up, Marie, we just dodged three screaming bullets. Hey, did he take the pudding? Hey! Pudding! [exits]
Marie: Oh, I know what it is. It's your father, isn't it? Now, listen to me. If you were to... God forbid, and I get the children, I'm willing to leave him.

Quote from Ray

Robert: [enters] Oh, hello. I noticed you had company. Well what do you know? If it isn't Bernie and Linda Gruenfelder.
Debra: Robert, they're just over for dinner.
Robert: Oh, just dinner? I don't think so. Why is your shirt tucked in tonight, Raymond? This is no ordinary dinner. You're giving away the children, aren't you?
Ray: Robert, don't make a big deal out of this.
Robert: It is a big deal! How could you choose them over me? I'm family.
Debra: We love you, Robert, but there's a lot of factors, okay? We put a great deal of thought into this. Look, you're single and you have a dangerous job.
Ray: And if you were to drop one of them, it's very, very far.

Quote from Robert

Robert: A stuck Cocoa Puff. It's a quandary.
Linda: Does that really happen?
Robert: Oh yes, it happens. Doesn't it, Raymond?
Ray: It happened to me when I was eight.
Robert: And 10.
Marie: So what would you do, dear?
Linda: Tweezers?
Robert: Absolutely never.
Bernie: Emergency room?
Robert: Nope.
Ray: All right, stop. You crunch and blow.

Quote from Robert

Bernie: Give me another.
Robert: Okay, let's say you're driving your seven-year-old to school and she keeps turning the radio louder and louder while you're driving. What would you do?
Bernie: You tell her to stop in a firm but loving manner.
Robert: No. Linda?
Linda: Um... Ignore it.
Robert: Excuse me?
Linda: Well, you let her turn it up loud and then she'll realize how unpleasant that is and then she'll turn it off herself.
Robert: An excellent answer. If you could explain what a seven-year-old is doing in the front seat to begin with!
Marie: My, my, my.

Quote from Ray

Linda: Oh, and we love Ally, Michael and Geoffrey. We love all of you!
Debra: We love you too. That's why we thought of you.
Bernie: Boy! ... I don't think so.
Debra: What?
Bernie: I mean, we're so flattered, but...
Linda: Your family's nuts.
Bernie: Yeah, there's nothing in the books about that!
Ray: Maybe you want to think it over...
Bernie: No, I'm sorry. You know, if there's an accident that takes them out at the same time as you, maybe.

Quote from Ray

Debra: The Wallaces?
Ray: No. Their house smells like feet.
Debra: Well, that's it, 'cause we've gone through everybody.
Ray: How about the Zs?
Debra: "Bronx Zoo."
Ray: I saw that documentary, that kid that was raised by wolves. Right? He's a dentist now.
Debra: No, there's got to be someone, you know? Someone else. Oh please, someone!
Ray: We could always do cold calling.
Debra: Looks like the kids are stuck with your parents.
Ray: I will say this about your father: He is a happy drunk.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Yeah, but the ball doesn't just bounce in there, okay? You don't know what it's like when a foul ball comes at you.
Debra: Don't children catch them?
Ray: Yeah, they catch the ones that come, "Oh look, bally! Ooh!" But this one came in, "Ray Barone!"
Debra: And at the last minute, it said, "Chocolate cake!"
Ray: Yeah. Yeah. All right, make fun, okay? When the ball does take my head off, maybe you won't be so mockulatory.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You know, I almost died today.
Debra: Really?
Ray: That's what you say when I tell you I almost died?
Debra: What am I supposed to say?
Ray: "Oh my God, Ray! Are you all right?!"
Debra: What happened?
Ray: I'm in the press box, I'm watching the game...
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: And I'm eating a soft pretzel. But these pretzels they have, they're not moist. They're bigger than the other ones, but they're very dry. Anyway, the salt doesn't stick to them, it falls everywhere.
Debra: Oh my God, are you okay?
Ray: You gonna mock? You just gonna mock?

Quote from Ray

Debra: Honey, can you be home by 6:00 tonight? I made an appointment with an attorney.
Ray: Well, nine years. I had seven in the pool.

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