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The Will

‘The Will’

Season 4, Episode 5 - Aired October 18, 1999

Debra and Ray consider who they would leave the kids to as they prepare a will.

Quote from Ray

Ray: We should put something in there that if I die you can't marry another man named Ray.
David Atkins: Excuse me?
Ray: Well, 'cause eventually everyone would call him Ray and me "Dead Ray."
David Atkins: I don't think I can-
Debra: Just ignore him.

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Quote from Robert

Robert: I wasn't even asked.
Ray: Well, Robert, we just, you know...
Robert: Who'd you pick?
Debra: Linda and Bernie Gruenfelder.
Robert: Bernie Gruenfelder. Well, let's see: A chubby jet-ski salesman versus a blood-related protector of the people? Yeah, well, that's a no-brainer.

Quote from Debra

Debra: All right, I'm sorry. So the salt didn't stay on your pretzel.
Ray: Yes! All right, so I'm... I'm bending down to wipe the salt off my shirt, and bam, a foul ball comes flying into the booth. It came this close to hitting me!
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Yeah! I felt its wind! And then I turn and Andy, who just got a turkey and cheese sandwich, and the ball knocks it off his tray. The soda, pickles, chips, chocolate cake, everything!
Debra: You get chocolate cake in the press box?
Ray: It was Friday. We get a different cake every Friday. But you're missing the point.
Debra: No, I'm getting the point. A ball bounced into your world and disturbed paradise!

Quote from Robert

Robert: [enters] Ma wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas.
Debra: Robert, you have a will, right?
Robert: Why? What did you hear? Is that why Ma's making frittatas?
Debra: No, Ray and I were talking about wills, and he doesn't want to make one.
Robert: Oh, why not?
Debra: He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.
Robert: No, no, no, silly. If you don't have a will you're tempting fate. "I don't need a will. I'm gonna live forever." Manhole!
Ray: I don't know.
Robert: Raymond, listen to me. You need to have a will and eat a fibrous breakfast every morning and nothing can touch you.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Look, it doesn't have to be a relative.
Ray: No?
Debra: No. The character of the couple is what's important. What are their values? Are they loving? Are they patient? Are they honest?
Ray: If we find people like that, we should give them the children right now!

Quote from Ray

Ray: How are you going to ask them?
Debra: I don't know. I can't rehearse it.
Ray: Well, you just can't say, "Hey, when we die and you go to the funeral, bring the minivan."

Quote from Robert

Bernie: Give me another.
Robert: Okay, let's say you're driving your seven-year-old to school and she keeps turning the radio louder and louder while you're driving. What would you do?
Bernie: You tell her to stop in a firm but loving manner.
Robert: No. Linda?
Linda: Um... Ignore it.
Robert: Excuse me?
Linda: Well, you let her turn it up loud and then she'll realize how unpleasant that is and then she'll turn it off herself.
Robert: An excellent answer. If you could explain what a seven-year-old is doing in the front seat to begin with!
Marie: My, my, my.

Quote from Ray

Debra: He's meeting with us about our wills.
Ray: Wills? No, no, no. I do not want a will. It's bad luck.
Debra: Look, you've been putting this off for years. And I would think you'd want to be prepared, especially after your near-death experience.
Ray: Near-death, I was going for pity sex.
Debra: You know, I don't understand you. You were fine when we did the life insurance.
Ray: Insurance is too dull to be scary. By the way, how much do you get if I die?
Debra: $800,000.
Ray: That was a little fast. Right? Yeah. Your social security number, you got to look that up, but that number, oh yeah. Right there, right on the tip of your tongue.

Quote from Ray

David Atkins: Now all that remains is the issue of who should be granted guardianship of the children.
Ray: What do you mean?
David Atkins: Well, guardianship in the event that both of you die at the same time.
Ray: Wow, party pooper. I guess that would be my parents, Frank and Marie-
Debra: Uh, Ray I don't know if they're really the best choice. Well, I mean, they're over here all the time anyway, right? They know where everything is.
Debra: Just because they're convenient doesn't mean they're the right choice.
Ray: You want your parents? That's not exactly a kid-friendly house. All the pointy metal sculptures. And your father, you know... [makes drinking gesture]
Debra: Ray! We have to discuss this.
Ray: "Discuss!" Here we go! Hey, maybe you'd better take us off the meter.
David Atkins: Take your time.

Quote from Marie

Ray: So we're settled?
Debra: Yeah. So it's Bernie and Linda, we have a will and you're still alive! Yea. I guess we didn't displease any of your vengeful gods, huh?
Marie: [enters] Hi, dears. I saw you had some store-bought pudding and I thought the children might want to try something homemade.

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