Ray: We should put something in there that if I die you can't marry another man named Ray.
David Atkins: Excuse me?
Ray: Well, 'cause eventually everyone would call him Ray and me "Dead Ray."
David Atkins: I don't think I can-
Debra: Just ignore him.

Robert: I wasn't even asked.
Ray: Well, Robert, we just, you know...
Robert: Who'd you pick?
Debra: Linda and Bernie Gruenfelder.
Robert: Bernie Gruenfelder. Well, let's see: A chubby jet-ski salesman versus a blood-related protector of the people? Yeah, well, that's a no-brainer.

Debra: All right, I'm sorry. So the salt didn't stay on your pretzel.
Ray: Yes! All right, so I'm... I'm bending down to wipe the salt off my shirt, and bam, a foul ball comes flying into the booth. It came this close to hitting me!
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Yeah! I felt its wind! And then I turn and Andy, who just got a turkey and cheese sandwich, and the ball knocks it off his tray. The soda, pickles, chips, chocolate cake, everything!
Debra: You get chocolate cake in the press box?
Ray: It was Friday. We get a different cake every Friday. But you're missing the point.
Debra: No, I'm getting the point. A ball bounced into your world and disturbed paradise!

Robert: [enters] Ma wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas.
Debra: Robert, you have a will, right?
Robert: Why? What did you hear? Is that why Ma's making frittatas?
Debra: No, Ray and I were talking about wills, and he doesn't want to make one.
Robert: Oh, why not?
Debra: He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.
Robert: No, no, no, silly. If you don't have a will you're tempting fate. "I don't need a will. I'm gonna live forever." Manhole!
Ray: I don't know.
Robert: Raymond, listen to me. You need to have a will and eat a fibrous breakfast every morning and nothing can touch you.

Debra: Look, it doesn't have to be a relative.
Ray: No?
Debra: No. The character of the couple is what's important. What are their values? Are they loving? Are they patient? Are they honest?
Ray: If we find people like that, we should give them the children right now!

Ray: How are you going to ask them?
Debra: I don't know. I can't rehearse it.
Ray: Well, you just can't say, "Hey, when we die and you go to the funeral, bring the minivan."

Bernie: Give me another.
Robert: Okay, let's say you're driving your seven-year-old to school and she keeps turning the radio louder and louder while you're driving. What would you do?
Bernie: You tell her to stop in a firm but loving manner.
Robert: No. Linda?
Linda: Um... Ignore it.
Robert: Excuse me?
Linda: Well, you let her turn it up loud and then she'll realize how unpleasant that is and then she'll turn it off herself.
Robert: An excellent answer. If you could explain what a seven-year-old is doing in the front seat to begin with!
Marie: My, my, my.

Debra: He's meeting with us about our wills.
Ray: Wills? No, no, no. I do not want a will. It's bad luck.
Debra: Look, you've been putting this off for years. And I would think you'd want to be prepared, especially after your near-death experience.
Ray: Near-death, I was going for pity sex.
Debra: You know, I don't understand you. You were fine when we did the life insurance.
Ray: Insurance is too dull to be scary. By the way, how much do you get if I die?
Debra: $800,000.
Ray: That was a little fast. Right? Yeah. Your social security number, you got to look that up, but that number, oh yeah. Right there, right on the tip of your tongue.

David Atkins: Now all that remains is the issue of who should be granted guardianship of the children.
Ray: What do you mean?
David Atkins: Well, guardianship in the event that both of you die at the same time.
Ray: Wow, party pooper. I guess that would be my parents, Frank and Marie-
Debra: Uh, Ray I don't know if they're really the best choice. Well, I mean, they're over here all the time anyway, right? They know where everything is.
Debra: Just because they're convenient doesn't mean they're the right choice.
Ray: You want your parents? That's not exactly a kid-friendly house. All the pointy metal sculptures. And your father, you know... [makes drinking gesture]
Debra: Ray! We have to discuss this.
Ray: "Discuss!" Here we go! Hey, maybe you'd better take us off the meter.
David Atkins: Take your time.

Ray: So we're settled?
Debra: Yeah. So it's Bernie and Linda, we have a will and you're still alive! Yea. I guess we didn't displease any of your vengeful gods, huh?
Marie: [enters] Hi, dears. I saw you had some store-bought pudding and I thought the children might want to try something homemade.