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‘Someone's Cranky’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Someone's Cranky

421. Someone's Cranky

Aired May 1, 2000

Frank and Marie have had enough of Robert as he's set to spend another three weeks recuperating at their house.

Quote from Robert

Robert: [crying] Sure, I've put on a big show about how Ma loves Raymond better and Dad's an ogre, but they do take care of me!
Debra: Okay.
Robert: I've got a place to sleep, laundry, the food is unbelievable! Her lasagna, her pie, even something as simple as Cream of Wheat, which you wouldn't think would be different from one place to another. I don't know why, but hers is better.
Debra: Robert, l- I didn't mean to suggest-
Robert: Oh, my God! You know, maybe I never wanted to move out of there. What kind of a nutjob am I? Nutjob! Nutjob!
Debra: No, no! Robert, you're not.
Robert: You're right, Debra. You're right. Maybe maybe I don't wanna get better. I must love being the victim. Oh my God, I'm doing it right now! Look at me! I don't think I can stop, Debra. I don't think I'm ever gonna stop! Help me out of this! Please, help me out of this!
Debra: Robert, you're crushing me!

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Quote from Robert

Robert: Well, I suppose you heard my wonderful news.
Debra: Yeah, three more weeks.
Robert: Three more weeks.
Debra: No, listen. [cheerful] Three more weeks.
Robert: Well, if you say it like that... Here, let me try. [cheerful] Bubonic plague.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Robert, look. No, listen. You're not so... Listen, I feel sorry for myself too sometimes.
Robert: Not like me. I got issues.
Debra: No, I have my moments.
Robert: Yeah, you. Like what?
Debra: Like, um, okay. For instance, you know I grew up in a nice, normal family, I was used to people being a certain way. And then I married your brother, which is great, but they are over, every day, a lot! "Hello, dear." "Holy crap!" "Hello, dear." "Holy crap!" I mean, you know, on Friday, your mother was over nine times, in one day! Nine times! And at times like that it's hard for me not to say, "Why me?" You know, "Why me?" Why, why, why, why, why, why?

Quote from Robert

Ray: Hey. Are you stretching?
Robert: No, I dropped a Fruit Loop under the couch.
Ray: So Mom and Dad starting to get to you?
Robert: Starting to get to me? They've burrowed into my head and they sit on my brain, poking the backs of my eyes.
Ray: Yeah, they'll do that.

Quote from Debra

Debra: You know what I think? I think you love that bull. I think you were so happy he found you, because he's a two-ton excuse for your life! That's right. You were a victim before that bull. You've been a victim your whole life, because there's nothing easier than playing the victim, is there, Robert?
Robert: Why are you picking on me?
Debra: See? Again! "Wah wah wah, my mother doesn't pay enough attention to me. I broke up with my girlfriend. Raymond has a better life than me. Wah wah wah."
Robert: I don't say "wah wah wah."
Debra: You're sounding like that right now.
Robert: That's because I just said "wah wah wah!" Listen, bad stuff happens to me, okay? I don't imagine these things, I'm just reporting the facts.
Debra: The fact is, you love to suffer. You were so mad about having to leave your parent's house.
Robert: Are you out of your mind? I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Debra: Oh, really? You don't seem so happy to be here.
Robert: I have a milk situation.
Debra: Admit it, you loved being at your parent's house, because that's the Holy Land of self-pity. You weren't unhappy because you had three more weeks to stay there, you were unhappy because you had only three more weeks to stay there.
Robert: [wails] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Maybe you're right, Debra!

Quote from Marie

Marie: Robert's killing us.
Frank: I can't take it anymore!
Ray: What are you talking about?
Frank: Your brother, he's a jerk.
Marie: No, he's not a jerk, Frank.
Frank: He acts like it's so horrible having to stay with us. It's no pony ride for us either.
Marie: He won't even do his exercises. He just sits around the house insulting us. This morning he told me that my pancakes were... dry.
Frank: And yesterday he told me I smelled like a billy-goat.
Marie: Which wasn't true yesterday.

Quote from Robert

Ray: How do you do it? How do you live with them? If I were you, I would be wiping off my fingerprints and rehearsing my 911 call.
Robert: Oh, you get used to them, you know? It's like an impacted wisdom tooth. Without the wisdom.
Frank: [enters] My "TV Guide" is missing! I left it on the armrest of the sofa, now it's not on the armrest of the sofa! Where is my "TV Guide"?
Robert: Ma had it last.
Frank: Marie! "TV Guide"! [exits]
Robert: Yeah. [takes out TV Guide] Gotta have a little fun, right?

Quote from Robert

Debra: Okay, Robert, listen. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself!
Robert: I'm not feeling sorry for myself.
Debra: Yes, you are. Spouting off at the family and insulting everybody. You just love playing the victim, don't you?
Robert: Okay, thank you. You can go back to being Princess Fabulosa now.
Debra: Hey, you better be nice to me, pal, 'cause I'm the last person in the family that doesn't want to climb up there and strangle you!
Robert: Oh, a height joke. Thank you, Your Majesty. Yeah, it's very refreshing after all the bull-in-the-ass jokes.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Oh, hi, dear.
Ray: Hey.
Marie: You hungry?
Ray: No, I'm good. Debra made lunch. [both laugh]
Marie: Oh, a wonderful sense of humor.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Hey, what do you got? Is that a new cushion? Whoo. Boy, I wish I had one of those. Man, that is sweet.
Marie: Robbie, three more weeks is not so bad. And your father and I will help you with your stretching.
Frank: I just wanna say, if you do the one where you throw your legs over your head, all baggage must be completely stowed.

Quote from Marie

Robert: All right, go ahead and laugh, that's what everyone else does.
Debra: Listen, we were just talking about your birthday.
Robert: Oh, yeah, yeah, my birthday. Happy birthday to the middle-aged man who is back living with his parents.
Marie: [sings] And many more.

Quote from Frank

Robert: I just wanna thank everybody for being such a loving family. I'm in there with a bull hole in me, and you're in here calling me "jerk." That's nice.
Frank: Hey, if you're having such a bad time living here, then don't!
Robert: You want me out?
Ray: Well, you don't have to finish your rehab here, man. Just move out.
Frank: That's right. You're pretty much back on your big clown feet.
Robert: My feet are proportionate to my height.

Quote from Frank

Robert: I'll be back for my personal effects tomorrow.
Frank: Take your time!
Robert: I'm outta here! [exits, returns] You gotta move your car, it's blocking me.
Frank: My pleasure! Marie, move the car.
Marie: I don't have your keys.
Frank: I don't have them. You're always hiding them.
Marie: Nobody hides your keys, Frank. If you just put them on the hook where they belong-
Frank: Don't tell me to put them on the hook. I hate putting them on the hook!
Marie: Are they in your pants upstairs?
Frank: I don't leave my keys in my pants. How about the time you left them in the front door, senile?
Marie: How about the time you had them in your hands. "Where are my keys? Where are my keys?"
Robert: All right, all right, wait, I forgot. I had them. And here's your "TV Guide" and here's your big spoon.
Ray: I hope you're gonna boil that spoon.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Ah, oh God, what the hell is that smell?
Robert: I left a carton of milk out the day I got gored by the bull. Apparently, if you leave milk out for 12 weeks, it goes bad and then explodes. [holds candle] However, this is "lavender bouquet."
Ray: Can we use it to light the apartment on fire?
Debra: Robert, do you have any more candles?
Frank: Or an old sneaker I can bury my face in?
Robert: Make yourselves at home. Or not.
Frank: I say "not."

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh. Is that the cake you made?
Debra: You know, you could have made one, Marie.
Marie: The way Robert's behaving? No, he doesn't deserve one of my cakes. This is perfect.

Quote from Marie

Marie: You know what, Robbie? You need to air this place out overnight. And tomorrow I'll come in and give it a good once-over. So tonight you'll sleep at our house, and I don't wanna hear any argument from you.
Robert: All right, if that's what you want.
Debra: Come on, let's go home and we can have the cake there.
Marie: Oh, no, no, no, no, dear. I have some cake at home. Why don't we leave your cake here? It goes so well with this apartment.
Robert: [to Debra] Hurts so good, huh?


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