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‘I Wish I Were Gus’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: I Wish I Were Gus

103. I Wish I Were Gus

Aired September 27, 1996

Ray has to confront his fear of public speaking when he's asked to give the eulogy at his great uncle's funeral. Meanwhile, Marie refuses to attend the service because her sister will be there.

Quote from Robert

Debra: It's really a shame. Gus was a sweet guy. Remember how he always wanted to read everything you wrote?
Ray: Yeah, and he gave me a gold pen when I graduated. I always felt like I was his grandson.
Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy.
Ray: What?! I hardly knew the guy.
Frank: It was his dying wish.
Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.

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Quote from Marie

Marie: You understand, Ray. I know you do. You're sensitive, artistic... [Robert coughs] You don't have to be sensitive, dear. You're big.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Did your father send you?
Ray: No, I wanted to come. I won the bet to come.
Marie: He hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our wedding night.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Shame, shame, shame.
Aunt Alda: Hello, Marie.
Ray: Isn't this nice, you two? You're back together.
Marie: You can kiss my son, but you can't send a wedding present? Your lips should dry into raisins. Oops, too late.

Quote from Marie

Aunt Alda: Raymond, that was beautiful. Simple and touching.
Marie: It was more than beautiful. It was extremely beautiful.
Aunt Alda: What is your problem, Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.
Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped.
Aunt Alda: You're a bitter woman, Marie. You're a bitter, bleached-blonde woman.
Marie: Oh, you're just jealous of human hair.

Quote from Robert

Frank: [enters] You know your front door is locked?
Ray: Yeah, we thought it would keep out the bad people.
Robert: You think evil cares about a lock?

Quote from Robert

Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this. Your great uncle Gus? Dead.
Ray: Oh, no. I liked him.
Robert: Yeah, me, too. Hey, nuts.
Ray: Deb, Uncle Gus died.
Debra: Oh, that's terrible. What happened?
Frank: He had a heart attack. He was 94.
Robert: We still haven't ruled out foul play.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Get up. I'll take a look. It's not that hard. You just have to know how to put the right spin on things. Just tell me something about Gus.
Ray: What's to tell? For the last 30 years he sat in front of the television with a bowl of baked beans.
Debra: [types] He was a great patron of the arts and a gourmet. Tell me something else.
Ray: He could belch the alphabet to the letter "M."
Debra: A man of letters.
Ray: Hey, you're very talented.
Debra: Thank you.

Quote from Frank

Frank: It's your mother. She won't stop crying about this Alda business.
Ray: So why are you here?
Frank: Well, somebody's got to talk to her.
Debra: Well, you're her husband. What's wrong with you?
Frank: She says I don't understand her.
Debra: Well, why don't you go talk to her?
Frank: Because I don't understand her. Ray, you go.
Ray: No, Dad. I got work to do here. Big eulogy coming up.
Frank: What, you don't care how much your mother suffers? Or if I starve?
Ray: Oh, you're starving?
Frank: Hey, you know your mother. When she gets upset, she doesn't cook. When she doesn't cook, I don't eat. You do the math.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Hey, Ma. Maybe you should come to the funeral. You know, just to say goodbye to Gus.
Marie: Be in the same room with Alda? Not even if it was your own father rotting in that casket. Fruit?
Ray: Hey, Ma, what's with these pictures, Ma? Where are Alda's heads?
Marie: [holding a bag] In here, where they belong.
Ray: Ma! Are you gonna use her heads to coat chicken?

Quote from Debra

Aunt Alda: I'm sorry, Marie. It was my fault.
Marie: Seven years. All that time wasted. So much has happened.
Debra: Oh, my God, they made up?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: You did this?
Ray: I can do things.
Aunt Alda: I had menopause.
Marie: Me, too.
Debra: First the beautiful speech. Now this? Ray, I am completely turned on.
Ray: Oh, sure. At a funeral.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Hey, you know what I think is really sexy?
Ray: What?
Debra: A man who does the dishes.
Ray: No, does nothing for me. You know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes with another woman.

Quote from Ray

Debra: That's my laundry marker. Honey, have you been drawing on the walls again?
Ally: No, I drew on Geoffrey.
Ray: You drew on Geoffrey?
Ally: He asked me to.
Debra: [holding Geoffrey] Oh, my God. It's bad news for Europe, Ray.
Ray: Just relax, I'll take care of it. [wiping Geoffrey's mouth] It's coming off. It's not coming off.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I can't do it, I can't. Get somebody else to do it.
Frank: No. Old Gus wanted you. It was in his will.
Ray: I can't do it. I can't talk in front of people. Even talking to you is hard enough. No, please. Let Robert do it. Robert can do the eulogy.
Robert: [laying out nuts] Peanut, almond, cashew. Peanut, almond, cashew.
Debra: I think you're doing the eulogy, Ray. [Frank nods]

Quote from Marie

Marie: [enters] Oh, this is terrible. It's awful. I just found out that my sister is coming to the funeral.
Debra: Aunt Alda's coming all the way from Canada?
Marie: Uh-huh.
Ray: Oh, that's great if you like Aunt Alda. Who does?
Marie: Go ahead, have your fun. That woman broke my heart.
Frank: Not this again.
Marie: She never even sent Raymond a wedding present.
Ray: Well, that's 'cause she was upset 'cause you put her at a bad table at the reception.
Debra: Aunt Alda did kind of ruin the wedding.
Frank: It was seven years ago, and you're still not talking. I hate this story.
Marie: What am I supposed to do, huh? Our cousin Teresa has cataracts, so she's got to sit up front. Then she shows up with her daughter, Stacy, the 300-pound nutritionist. That's another two seats.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Can Hitler have a juice box?
Debra: Yeah, I'll get it.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Gus. Gus. Gus. Gus. Gus...
Debra: Hi, how's the eulogy going?
Ray: Oh, I wish I were Gus. I can't do it. You know, you should do this. No, you were in PR. You are good at bull... PR.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Is this Gus?
Marie: Yeah.
Ray: He's good looking. Guys can say that now.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Do you know what Alda used to do to me? She'd read my diary. She'd put my dolls in odd poses. She'd wear my clothes. She'd steal my boyfriends.
Ray: Yeah? What kind of poses?
Marie: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who's bossy, demanding, and unreasonable?
Ray: No. No.
Marie: What's that supposed to mean?
Ray: That's a joke, Ma. I'm making a joke.
Marie: Yeah, very funny stuff.

Quote from Ray

Marie: I thought you understood.
Ray: Well, Ma, I'm trying. Look, you're sisters. Family should talk.
Marie: Like you and Robert?
Ray: We talk. A lot of that just goes unspoken.

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