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‘I Wish I Were Gus’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: I Wish I Were Gus

103. I Wish I Were Gus

Aired September 27, 1996

Ray has to confront his fear of public speaking when he's asked to give the eulogy at his great uncle's funeral. Meanwhile, Marie refuses to attend the service because her sister will be there.

Quote from Robert

Debra: It's really a shame. Gus was a sweet guy. Remember how he always wanted to read everything you wrote?
Ray: Yeah, and he gave me a gold pen when I graduated. I always felt like I was his grandson.
Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy.
Ray: What?! I hardly knew the guy.
Frank: It was his dying wish.
Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.

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Quote from Marie

Marie: You understand, Ray. I know you do. You're sensitive, artistic... [Robert coughs] You don't have to be sensitive, dear. You're big.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Did your father send you?
Ray: No, I wanted to come. I won the bet to come.
Marie: He hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our wedding night.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Shame, shame, shame.
Aunt Alda: Hello, Marie.
Ray: Isn't this nice, you two? You're back together.
Marie: You can kiss my son, but you can't send a wedding present? Your lips should dry into raisins. Oops, too late.

Quote from Marie

Aunt Alda: Raymond, that was beautiful. Simple and touching.
Marie: It was more than beautiful. It was extremely beautiful.
Aunt Alda: What is your problem, Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.
Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped.
Aunt Alda: You're a bitter woman, Marie. You're a bitter, bleached-blonde woman.
Marie: Oh, you're just jealous of human hair.

Quote from Robert

Frank: [enters] You know your front door is locked?
Ray: Yeah, we thought it would keep out the bad people.
Robert: You think evil cares about a lock?

Quote from Robert

Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this. Your great uncle Gus? Dead.
Ray: Oh, no. I liked him.
Robert: Yeah, me, too. Hey, nuts.
Ray: Deb, Uncle Gus died.
Debra: Oh, that's terrible. What happened?
Frank: He had a heart attack. He was 94.
Robert: We still haven't ruled out foul play.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Get up. I'll take a look. It's not that hard. You just have to know how to put the right spin on things. Just tell me something about Gus.
Ray: What's to tell? For the last 30 years he sat in front of the television with a bowl of baked beans.
Debra: [types] He was a great patron of the arts and a gourmet. Tell me something else.
Ray: He could belch the alphabet to the letter "M."
Debra: A man of letters.
Ray: Hey, you're very talented.
Debra: Thank you.

Quote from Frank

Frank: It's your mother. She won't stop crying about this Alda business.
Ray: So why are you here?
Frank: Well, somebody's got to talk to her.
Debra: Well, you're her husband. What's wrong with you?
Frank: She says I don't understand her.
Debra: Well, why don't you go talk to her?
Frank: Because I don't understand her. Ray, you go.
Ray: No, Dad. I got work to do here. Big eulogy coming up.
Frank: What, you don't care how much your mother suffers? Or if I starve?
Ray: Oh, you're starving?
Frank: Hey, you know your mother. When she gets upset, she doesn't cook. When she doesn't cook, I don't eat. You do the math.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Hey, Ma. Maybe you should come to the funeral. You know, just to say goodbye to Gus.
Marie: Be in the same room with Alda? Not even if it was your own father rotting in that casket. Fruit?
Ray: Hey, Ma, what's with these pictures, Ma? Where are Alda's heads?
Marie: [holding a bag] In here, where they belong.
Ray: Ma! Are you gonna use her heads to coat chicken?

Quote from Debra

Aunt Alda: I'm sorry, Marie. It was my fault.
Marie: Seven years. All that time wasted. So much has happened.
Debra: Oh, my God, they made up?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: You did this?
Ray: I can do things.
Aunt Alda: I had menopause.
Marie: Me, too.
Debra: First the beautiful speech. Now this? Ray, I am completely turned on.
Ray: Oh, sure. At a funeral.


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